From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Feb 5 10:13:05 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.44) id g15Edsv24593; Tue, 5 Feb 2002 09:39:54 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 5 Feb 2002 09:39:54 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200202051439.g15Edsv24593@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1247 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1247 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1247 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 05 Feb 2002 09:39:41 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1247 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1242 48 votes 3ek74 il621 0akc6 25ih6 4cic2 25ddf 2aee8 7f8d5 efb44 37kc6 1242 3.0 mean 2.9 1.9 3.3 3.4 2.9 3.7 3.3 2.9 2.4 3.2 --- 1247-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Illustrious Oracle most monumental and comely, > > If global warming is for real will the world reach a state > where everyone goes naked all the time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course not. Humans will always find some way of covering themselves } without overheating. } } After all, if we were meant to go around naked, we would have been born } that way. } } You owe the Oracle a global air conditioner. --- 1247-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey buddy... still there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Socks the Cat, not known for his empathy thought it was real } funny to call up his former owner and ask. . . --- 1247-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Right, Oracle, get down and give me twenty, now! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Twenty quotes for your .sig file? Well, okay. But to do this } right you need to understand what makes for a good .sig . . . } } The main reason to have a .sig is to fool others into thinking } you are far more ironic than they are. The .sig that does this } best is one that is so dang cryptic that no one can figure out } what it means while at the same time sounding as if it is } saying something profound. First let's look at some pitfalls of } .sig selection. } } Newbies often use sayings from TV shows: } } 1) } "I won't wear my button that says, "I'm a Slayer. Ask me } how!" -- Buffy } } 2) } Monica: "It's not a date; it's just two people going out to } dinner and not having sex." Chandler: "Sounds like a date to } me." } } 3) } At least it tells us they understand our language, they're just } not willing to speak to us in it. Who knew they were French? } [Ivanova looks at him.] Sorry. (Cmdr. Ivanova and Marcus Cole, } B5 "Voices Of Authority") } } See how dorky those are? These type of .sigs are not for you, } the discerning .sig master! Quotes from TV shows aren't ironic, } they're moronic. They're from TV! This is too shallow a source } for the noble minds that use USENET to dip from! } } Slightly more savvy users use quotes from sources that others } have already deemed officially cool. These includes: } } Zippy the Pinhead quotes: } } 4) } YOW! The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a } VEGETARIAN! } } 5) } I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors } d'oeuvres. } } or Monty Python lines: } } 6) } The human brain is like an enormous fish - it is flat } and slimy and has gills through which it can see. } } 7) } He's not the Messiah! He's a very naughty boy! } } and Steve Wright jokes; } } 8) } You can't have everything, where would you put it? } } The Oracle likes those quotes, so do you, so does everyone, } that's why they just aren't ironic enough for the more } advanced .sig master. } } Now be careful of the sophomoric trap of using pretentious } .sigs, this includes quotes in Latin and statements by } philosophers. True, they meet the 'no one can figure } them out' requirement, but that's about it. } } Famous thinkers: } } 9) } A categorical imperative would be one which represented } an action as objectively necessary in itself, without } reference to any other purpose. } - Immanuel Kant, Fundamental Principles of Morals, 2 } } and Latin: } } 10) } "Silent leges inter arma." - Marcus Tullius Cicero } } 11) } "Vir prudens non contra ventum mingit" - Anon. } } So what to use? Draw the shades, and delete this post as } soon as you read it as I am about to tell you the top three } sources of -truly- ironic .sigs. } ------------------------------------------------------ } } The last words of Dutch Schultz. As you know Dutch was } a mobster whose dying words were faithfully recorded by } the police, The trouble is that no one is quite sure what } he was talking about, yet it is clear he was indeed trying } to convey a message. Here are some samples: } } 12) } "Cut that out, we don't owe a nickel; hold it; instead, hold } it against him; I am a pretty good pretzler." } } 13) } "There are only ten of us and there are 10,000,000 fighting } somewhere of you, so get you onions up and we will throw } up the truce flag." } } And the truly famous final four sentences of Dutch's life: } } 14) } "Max, come over here. French-Canadian bean soup. I want to } pay. Let them leave me alone." } ------------------------------------------------------ } } Lines from the works of Samuel Beckett. Beckett left his } native Ireland and moved to France to write, saying that only } the French language could convey his thoughts. So you have a } sodden mick's babblings translated into French then into sober } English. Read these .sig quality quotes & smile smugly: } } 15) } "You always bury a dog under a tree, I don't know why. But } I have my suspicions." } } 16) } "But a sheep's psychology is far simpler than Miss Dew } had any idea, and the lettuce masquerading as a natural } product of the park met with no more success than when } presented frankly as an exotic variety." } } 17) } "And yet it is not unpleasant, before setting to work, to } steep oneself again in this slow & massive world. where } all things move with the ponderous sulleness of oxen." } } ------------------------------------------------------ } But now the cream of the crop... Meta-irony. } } Go to a search engine site that has a voyeur feature that } lets you peek at what your fellow netizens are searching } for, the combinations are truly amazingly insightful, yet } puzzling and detached. } } 18) } "debt AND management prescription drug addiction } pain AND peeling safe AND cracking" } } 19) } "wedding invitation phrase } Pamela Anderson mummy pictures " } } 20) } "strap on movies east coast, USA } military academies in North Carolina } stardraft butterfly wings } Bedroom Furniture " } ------------------------------------------------------ } } You owe the Oracle an obligatory reference and a well } executed headstand. --- 1247-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is this love? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } $ uclisp } loading Uncommon Lisp V 3.1415926535897932 } [1]> (load 'ora) } loading Oracle v 1.4142136 (Artificial Impertinence v. 2.7182818) } [2]> (eq 'this 'love) } NIL } [3]> (subset-p 'this 'love) } NIL } [4]> (superset-p 'this 'love) } NIL } [5]> (intersection-p 'this 'love) } T } (exit) } Bye. } $ } } Part of this is part of love. --- 1247-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where did my life go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You think you don't have a life, just because you work 16 hours a day, } and then just get to sleep the other 8. Luxury ! I work 24 hours a day } without sleep. You work in an office with air conditioning. I'm stuck } here at this old ruined temple at Delphi in all conditions with this } lousy old computer terminal. You try being a super omniscient being who } has to answer the questions of insignificant fleas like you. Young } mortals like you don't know how good you have it. Why when I was your } age I was working 28 hours a day in Zeus' zot bolt factory. Without } meal breaks. I had to fight my way up to this position, and what do I } get. I have listen to whingers like you, Why I should .... } } Lisa : Orry you should calm down. The supplicant just has a problem } which he needs to you to solve. Let me give you a massage. } } Oracle : OK. Go ahead. Oooooohhhhhhh that feeeeels reeeeally goooood. } } L : Why don't you come and play. You've been at that terminal for } almost an hour. Let's go to the hot tub. } } O : Ok. I'll just finish this. } } Supplicant you don't owe me anything. You just need to get out more. --- 1247-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You must supply a fax number in order not to receive faxes. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bloody bureaucracy. I should have seen this coming. Ask to be placed on } the do not call list, and they want to know what number not to call. I } now that I think about it, they are going to have to fax a sheet over } to make sure that I get things at that fax, and thus have some } entitlement to not get stuff there. } } Well, I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more. } } I'm going to circumvent your red tape, for once and for all. } } I may not be omnipotent, only omniscient, but I am not without some } powers. No, no, nothing as simple and mundane as a ZOT. This calls for } the big guns. } } My friends, the Old Gods. Not the weak, playful Gods of Earth. The } Other Ones. And I know just how to sweet talk and cajole them into } paying you a visit. Don't consider it a threat, I don't expect you, } personally, to waive your moral principles over a few words I say. } } I do expect you, your immediate family and pets; your organization, the } immediate families and pets thereof; your clients, their immediate } familes and pets thereof; your lawyers, their extended families, pets, } and friends; and the politicians and bureaucrats who created and funded } your organization, their extended familes, pets, and friends; I expect } all of you to die of horror or go mad with the knowledge of the chaos. } } You owe the Oracle the placement of Hastur's name on the Do Call list. --- 1247-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Keeper of Wisdom and Mirth, > > Where are my keys? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ray Charles' favorite gag line... --- 1247-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is nethack the greatest game ever or is there something better and if > there is something better, what is this something better than nethack? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There's a single word that applies here: } } Sex. } } You owe the Oracle a daily walk in the daylight so you can break down } some of that bilirubin. --- 1247-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise Oracle, > > I'm having no luck at all with Microsoft Technical Support. Maybe it > will go better if I ask you. > > We have a release due out this next week. We need to be able to write > binary data to an "image" column in an MSSQL table. It seems that the > Microsoft JDBC/ODBC bridge for Java is changing some of the codes > corresponding to eight-bit characters into their seven-bit ASCII > equivalents, usually an apostrophe. > > Do you have any clue as to how we can fix this, or at least, what the > proximate cause is? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (Loudly and into fern in corner) } Silly, foolish software engineer! There is no way to fix it. This is } a question you should not be asking. Go away. Why must you waste the } Oracle's time with such silly questions? } } (nervous pause) } } ::The Oracle turns up the stereo really loud:: } } (hushed whisper) } Okay...I heard a rumor the other day from someone who's brother's } friend's cousin works at Microsoft that their JDBC/ODBC bridge for Java } is deliberately written to change those codes to prevent outside } software developers from developing any piece of software that can to } interface with Microsoft products, thereby ensuring their } Rockefeller-like straglehold on the industry while simultaneously } saving face with the antitrust case prosecutors by showing that they } are encouraging competion! } } And it goes deeper than that, man. You wouldn't believe the } information that your OS is collecting and sending to Microsoft. They } know everything, man. Your daily habits, the amount of porn sites you } sneak at work, your shoe size, the secret names you and your buddies at } work have for your boss, whether you...you name it, they know it!!! } } And don't that you'll stop it by unplugging your modem, man. They got } a secret deal with Intel and AMD where they install mini cellular } modems inside the power supply. You think a computer needs a } transformer that big? Wake up man. They know EVERYTHING, man. And } they're coming for you. They know what you're up to. At least they } will once you read this. } } Switching to Linux won't help either, man. The guys who wrote Linux } have been secretly working with Steve Jobs in a conspiracy to hypnotize } you into watching Pixar movies, man! You think I'm crazy? Well, have } you ever noticed how much that grinning Linux penguin resembles Wheezy } from Toy Story 2? That was their big mistake, man. When that penguin } showed up on that shelf coughing up dust in the first act I suddenly } realized the awful truth! It was no coincidence that I had switched to } Linux a scant seven months before I suddnely had a burgeoning desire to } go see that movie! } } You've gotta get out of there, before it's too late! Burn your } computer! Burn your servers! Run for the hills! The computers are out } to get us! They're after us! Tell no one! } } ::turns stereo off:: } } (loudly and into fern again) } What are you still doing here! Get out! You stupid person! Don't you } know anything about software engineering! } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Microsoft Windows for Dummies"! Now get } out! --- 1247-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Cassie, wherefore art thou, Cassie? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ Zadoc crumples up the page and tries again... ] } } Cassie! Go fetch help! Little Timmy has fallen in the well! } } [ Zadoc crumples up the page and tries again... ] } } You can get on that plane and Leave Cassieblanca, but... } } [ Zadoc crumples up the page and tries again... ] } } I just want to say one thing to you - 'Cassie-tics' } } [ Zadoc crumples up the page and tries again... ] } } I love the smell of Cassie in the morning. } } [ Zadoc crumples up the page and tries again... ] } } Remember, you're fighting for Cassie's honor, which is } more than she ever did. } } [ Zadoc crumples up the page and tries again... ] } } Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Cassie anymore } } [ Zadoc crumples up the page and tries again... ] } } Cassie la vista, Baby.