From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon May 20 11:17:56 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.46) id g4KFjnQ14845; Mon, 20 May 2002 10:45:49 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 20 May 2002 10:45:49 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200205201545.g4KFjnQ14845@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1263 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1263 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1263 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 20 May 2002 10:45:35 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1263 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1258 55 votes dkh23 aig56 6sd80 bfgc1 hde92 ioa30 4cld5 5dfac 3elb6 74hi9 1258 2.7 mean 2.3 2.6 2.4 2.6 2.4 2.0 3.1 3.2 3.1 3.3 --- 1263-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O oracle who apparently resides in Indiana and yet still manages to be > quite wize beyond my wreckoning, > > What does the University Administration think of all this coming and > going to the oracle@cs.indiana.edu address? Or have they just not > noticed yet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hah! Give me a break. Have you ever known an administration to notice } anything that was going on right under their noses? However, the } committee meeting regarding the high traffic on the mail servers has } been going on for almost a year now, so they may soon be ready to begin } investigating. } You owe the Oracle a grovel that a) Doesn't insult anyone (except } supplicants) and b) is correctly spelled. --- 1263-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > Are dung beetles magic? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's see: } } > X dung beetle } } The dung beetle is approximately 1/2 cm. long and a mottled brown in } color. It is perched on a small ball of hyena dung. } } > Pick up dung beetle } } Taken. } } > Turn over dung beetle } } The dung beetle is now upside down. Its legs are waving frantically } in the air, and the ball of hyena dung has fallen on your shirt. One } of the dung beetle's front legs seems slightly longer than the others. } } > X dung beetle with magnifying glass } } Through the glass, you can see that the dung beetle is holding a tiny } magic wand. } } > Take tiny magic wand from dung beetle } } The tiny magic wand is too tiny for you to hold. } } > Take tiny magic wand from dung beetle with tweezers } } The dung beetle struggles mightily, but with your superior strength } you wrest the wand from its grasp. } } > Wave tiny magic wand } } The tiny magic wand is too tiny for you to hold. } } > Wave tiny magic wand with tweezers } } You are buried in hyena dung. } } Yes, it looks like the dung beetle had all the magic it needed. --- 1263-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > *ZOT!* > > Ha - the supplicant finally gets the last laugh! A pre-emptive zot, and > the temple of the oracle lies in ruins! > > Nice knowin' ya, Orrie. The supplicants are running the show now. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification. } } Delivery to the following recipients failed. } } oracle@cs.indiana.edu } } You owe the Oracle an apology. --- 1263-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Paul Kelly The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle who is downright spiffy, I have a question > to ask of thee: > > I forgot my watch again today, and the whole day > I didn't know what time it is. I'd like to prevent > such tragedies in the future, but I don't know > how to consistently remember my watch. > > P.S.: On occasion, I have the same trouble with my > PocketPC and my pants. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The scene: the rain-swept deck of a galleon. The sky is black with } clouds, the light vanishing further beneath the watery horizon each } minute as gusts of briney wind and spray wet the deck and cause the } ghostly canvas sails to billow deeply and whip and crack. Huddled in } the lee of the fo'c'sle against the shrieking gale are two shadowy } figures. As one glances skywards to predict the muderous weather, } lank black hair barely held back by a sodden bandana drips salt water } down his scarred and unshaven face. The other, taller and skinnier } keeps his face downturned beneath the protection of a tripoint hat. } } Black-Hand Gus: Aarrgh! The boy be'en late for 'is shift agin, capn! } Captain Orrie: Aye, mate. That'un needs a keelhaulin'. Never'n cin } be rememberin when its time for his watch, that 'un. } Black-Hand Gus: A good keelhaulin', aya capn!. That'd see the } scallwags brains a good fixin'. } Captain Orrie: A head full'o dreams has that lad. Dreamin' in his } hammock o' pockets full'o PC's o' eight, no doubts. } Black-Hand Gus: Eh ? What'n you say, capn ? } Captain Orrie: Urm .. dreaming .. hammock .. pieces'o'eight ? } Black-Hand Gus: Ah, that'n be right then. I thought me ol' ears be } hearin talk o' PCs. Daft ol' me, eh? } Captain Orrie: Ah, yes. Silly old you yes, none of them around here. } Not even a VAX. } Black-Hand Gus: A va... } Captain Orrie: Avast! Thar be the lad now, and he's forgotten his } pantaloons! Keelhaul 'im afore this gets too silly! } } You owe the Oracle a nautical computing device. --- 1263-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > > How does the bunny view of the world differ form that of an armchair? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's slightly different, but an important difference. } } The bunny gets to walk around the mansion, eat whatever food it wants, } do whatever it likes, has free access to the pools and hottubs, gets } free invites to all the parties, and can use the game room whenever it } pleases. } } The armchair just gets sat on by Hef' all day while he pops Viagra. } } You owe the Oracle the armchair's view of the bunny. --- 1263-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gyaaaah! Lisa, how many times have I asked you not to turn on the } bedroom light in the middle of the night? Geez. I can't see a thing } now. But hey, if you're up, would you get me a sandwich? --- 1263-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and wise Oracle, > What happens to a person if they do not ever sleep? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well they become irrational, start doing and saying things that } make sense only to them (often thinking they are funny or at least } amusing). The start losing the ability to seperate reality from } fantasy, living in a twilight world of confusion. They forget how to } use the simplest of objects, making up ridiculous and tedious new uses } for the mundane. They also start to grate on the nerves of others, } often to the point where others want to commit acts of violence on them } to make them go away or stop their behaviors. } } In simple terms, its pretty much like being Carrot Top. } } You owe the Oracle some quality time (not on the phone) with Sela Ward. --- 1263-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, you are more powerful than a top of the line > secret device and wittier than W.C. Field's uncle Zeke, > > Why do we need to buy more chairs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The number of chairs required increases by a factor of x*(5/3) where } x is the number of people who need chairs. This is easily explainable. } } Envision a doctor's waiting room with three chairs, in a row. } Patient A walks in and picks chair 1, on the far left. Patient B } walks in and picks chair 3, on the far right. If a third patient, } patient C, were to walk in, that patient would see the obvious lack } of seating space, and be forced to stand. } } Imagine the same scene with four chairs. There are three options: A1, } 2, B3, 4 (where A1 and B3 mean patient A is in chair 1 and patient } B in is chair 3); 1, A2, 3, B4; A1, 2, 3, B4. In each case, there } would be insufficient seating for C, who would again have to stand. } } Only with five chairs can C have a place to sit: A1, 2, B3, 4, C5. } Even this solution requires social engineering; you must force A } and B to sit exactly one empty chair apart, with one of them taking } chair 3. To ensure proper seating for C, you would need 7 chairs. } With 6 chairs, you could arrive at: 1, A2, 3, 4, B5, 6. Only by } adding one chair can you ensure a seat for C. } } This is why we need so many chairs. It is a problem that has plagued } man of centuries; modern humans falsely believe that gladiatorial } combat was held between prisoners or the oppressors, when it really } came about because of the poor bench seating of the Coliseums. } } You owe the Oracle a detailed mathematical explanation for required } seating at a Phish concert with 5,000 attendees, taking into } consideration hygiene habits of the typical Phish listener. --- 1263-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. > ter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppe > T r Piper picked a peck of pickled pe R > he iper picked a peck of pickl ed > play r picked a peck of p Rove > 's the ked a peck r, Red > thing where d a pe Orrie Rover, the > in I'll catch a Am I quick red fox > the consci lay mad? jumps over > ence of o play mak the quick > the nd no play makes J and the > Kin k and no play makes Jack a dead > g ork and no play makes Jack a dul . > . ll work and no play makes Jack a dull bo > All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > 's the ked a peck r, Red } ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ } Beavis: Hurh hurh .. hurh hurh. He said, like, pecker! } Butthead: Hurh hurh, hurh hurh. Hurh hurh, hurh hurh. } Oracle: Zadoc! Turn that off you snivelling cur! } } (*click* - the goggle-box is silenced in he next room. Zadoc enters } on hand and knee, grovelling in a way only a priest of his years can) } } Zadoc: Yes, your Oracleness. May your wisdom never shrivel up and } fall off. } Oracle: Really, sometimes I wonder why I bother! Supplicant, in } answer to your question regarding your loopiness: } } (TIO makes a facial expression that would curdle milk. If you didn't } know better you you swear tongues couldn't move through that many } dimensions at once) } } No, } ch fr y } mu ee o } o t u } o emi uj } t e ts } vah } } Oracle: Loo woah da olly-curl.. } } ( Brief pause as TIO attempts to straighten tongue with hands ) } } Oracle: Woo oab guh wovvy-buhl.. } Zadoc: Umm .. } Oracle: Bweth ? } Zadoc: Shall I fetch the tongue straightener again, your wiseness ? } Oracle: Bahm 'n glast. *sigh* Bweth, scphweth it, hkur. } Zadoc: Watch it, sir? Oh thank you! } } (Zadoc departs, a brief snicker crossing his downturned face. A } *click* emanates from the next room) } } Beavis: Hurh hurh .. hurh hurh. He said, like, tongue! } Butthead: Hurh hurh, hurh hurh. Hurh hurh, hurh hurh. } } Bwoo woah buh bwolly-wull wa twung sptwait .. pwrait .. thrpwait .. } nwoo pweest. --- 1263-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Jar-Jar Rulez!!!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ A busy street in an eastern seaboard megalopolis, our hero } stands on the corner near a box. ] } } Hero: Jar-Jar Rulez! } } Passerby: Ha! } } Hero: Buy a Jar-Jar for your kid. He'll love you for it. } } Passerby: My kid would die of embarrassment if I even took } a Jar-Jar action figure into our home. } } [ A lady with child in tow walks by ] } } Hero: Battlefield Earth Doll? } } Lady: I beg your pardon. } } Hero: Look, it even comes with its own kooky cult text. } } Kid: Battle what? } } Hero: . . .Field Earth. A truly great film, it. . . } } Kid: Yech! What is that? } } Hero: Jar-Jar Binks. } } Kid: Huh? } } [ A cop walks up ] } } Cop: You got a permit to sell stuff here? } } Hero: Come on, gimme a break. } } Cop: What the heck, Jar-Jar Binks? How many of those do } you got in there? } } Hero: 50, and I have 700 back in my apartment. I, I thought } I'd corner the local market on them. And, , I did. } } Cop: Bummer.