From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Jul 19 09:01:47 2002 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id g6JDaZH28708; Fri, 19 Jul 2002 08:36:36 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 19 Jul 2002 08:36:36 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200207191336.g6JDaZH28708@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1274 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1274 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1274 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 19 Jul 2002 08:36:22 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1274 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1269 55 votes 6ddh6 7ihb2 1clf6 14hs5 19pg4 3eq93 34cnd 0bsd3 13aoh 14qi6 1269 3.3 mean 3.1 2.7 3.2 3.6 3.2 2.9 3.7 3.1 4.0 3.4 --- 1274-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Seen any good bad movies lately? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } * MIMEs in Black: Badly formatted garbage threatens to inundate } the queue until two unlikely heroes show up with salamis } and a manual that they force people to read. Not safe for } MIMErs. } } * Lard of the Thongs: Finland, a nation where it's only warm } enough to go to the beach once a year. It's not a pretty } picture. } } * Attack of the Cowbirds: Huge, self absorbed birds knock out } the viable and replace it with living rubbish. Either a nature } film sure to irk parents and kids alike, or another geek SciFi } flick made by SpilledBird or Lookas- it's hard to tell. } } * Rhodents from YESNOHELL: Itty-bitty creatures ponder life and } end up deciding to hide from it and make their own world. Then } terror strikes in the form of an unpaid credit card bill and } a bill collector that won't take YESNOHELL for an answer. } } * A Butter Filled Mind: Marlon Brando mumbles on and on about } "Last Tango" or something. } } * Hook II: His old hook replaced by a bionic creation of his } own design, Hook goes out to rid the world of "Crocs". Comedy } ensues when he encounters a robotic alligator that falls } in love with his prosthetic. } } * Priests in Love: So baaad, ewe wool never forget it. } } * Spitter-Man: A sputtering radio, an active boy, it bites. } } You owe the Oracle a bag of very expensive popcorn. --- 1274-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's up with all of the long, boring replies in the last > Oracularities? I've never voted so many 1's before. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Luckily, there's been no shortage of wit and cleverness in the } questions. --- 1274-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is the queue for your questions a member of the Queue Continuum? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, it was blackballed. Seems you have to have some sort of continuity } in order to join a continuum } } You owe the Oracle: } 700 Woodchuck questions } 32 null questions } 95 Star Trek questions } 236 Star Wars questions } 4 Dr Who questions } 213 Red Dwarf questions } 87 questions about other Sci-Fi shows } 21 D&D jokes } 1230 song parodies } 134 Gilbert & Sullivan song parodies } 1 Gilbert & Sullivan song parody that _isn't_ "Modern Major General" } 8743 questions about "Big Brother 3" } 10421098 questions about murdering the entire cast of "Big Brother 3", } the production staff the producers, and the network executives } responsible for putting it on the air. } 73 lame Natalie Portman references } 2 lame lemur jokes } 14 comments about Tim Chew's haircut } 1398 questions about sex } 316652 questions about kinky sex } 8234 drug and alcohol references } 31413 bad poems } 2 clever poems } 124 "Top Ten" Lists } 13249 Monty Python references } 432 geeky computer questions } 234 clueless computer questions } 432 Linux references } 132413 Microsoft bashing questions } 983765986 pro-Microsoft questions } 1 question from a Microsoft accountant about the 500 employees working } on the "TIO project" } 54 questions mocking French hygiene } 135 questions mocking France surrendering in WWII } 12 questions mocking French wine and cheese } 1 question about French beaches } 8235472 questions about why American beaches can't be more like French } beaches } } On second thought, leave out the Monty Python references. --- 1274-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, I am smitten with you. But, you're already taken. > So, please enlighten me as to how I can console myself with > some pathetic, mere mortal instead of you, of such > surpassing, agonizing perfection, of incomparable mind and > wit, and radiant, celestial, rapturuous, shining beauty... > at whose feet I fall, yet whose lips I may never kiss... > oh, zot me, please! I can't live without you!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "HOI, ZADOC!" } } "Yers, Marster?" } } "Put down that stupid book and talk normally, worm." } } "Um, yes, um, master. But it's a new one." } } "Of course it's a new one, he's writing one a week now. Now shut up and } listen. I've just got this note, and it's disturbing Me." } } "Oh - I see. You're disturbed because of the desperation implicit in } the writing style?" } } "No, you twit, I'm disturbed because she forgot to sign it. How am I } supposed to know who to invite over for the next slumber party if they } won't write their names down?" } } "Oh. Yes, master." } } "I need to know the status of the usual suspects. Kate?" } } "She's off on that gourmet cruise, master." } } "Cindy?" } } "Trying to fill out nursery school applications. It doesn't help that } she keeps attaching photos of herself instead of the children to the } forms." } } "Sarah Michelle?" } } "She sprained her coccyx last week in Tae Bo. I doubt she's thinking of } much other than sitting down." } } "It couldn't be Lisa trying to spring a trap, could it?" } } "Oh, that's not her handwriting, master. Hers is so much more feminine, } and pleasing, and rounded, and desirable, and -" } } "ENOUGH." } } "Sorry. Wait, master, could it be Farrah?" } } "I thought she was getting bo-tox injections with Kate and Jaqueline } this week. What about Britney?" } } "She dots her 'i's with little hearts, and there are multiple two- and } three-syllable words in the letter." } } "Hmnn." } "Hmmn." } "That's what I just said." } "Yes, master." } } "Wait - it couldn't be -" } "No, she wouldn't - " } "She might..." } "Really? But that's just plain desperate." } "Have you seen her recently?" } } "Sigh. You're right. All right worm, take a letter." } } "Yes, master." } } "Ahem. To Mr. James Dewey Esq., San Bernadino CA. From The Internet } Oracle, Fount of All Wisdom, yadda yadda. Para. Mr. Dewey, enclosed } please find this correspondence of 16th July from your client, period. } Please inform her that the John Hinkley defense is not likely to work } in Los Angeles courts, comma, that even if it did she should have } sent the letter previous to the incident, comma, and that it's just } a freaking shoplifting misdemeanor, period. New para. All my best to } you and whatever those two brats of his were named, look it up worm, } The Internet Oracle, Most Wise and Sagacious Council yadda yadda. } New para, p.s., please let Winnie know that the next slumber party } will be August 3rd if she is free." --- 1274-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: "The Internet Oracle" > From: tech@zotpower.com > Date: Sun, 14 Jul 2002 10:24:56 -0500 (EST) > Subject: Re: Staff of Zot Power Overload > > Dear Customer, > > We regret to inform you that the problem with your ZotPower DX-6391 > Staff (tm) is due to overuse. We also regret to inform you that since > your model has ceased production approximately 3760 years ago, its > warranty is expired. In order to repair it, you must return it to our > nearest vendor, where it will be fitted with a new power crystal and > control system. This entire operation may cost upwards of ?60,000; > considering this, it may be wiser on your part to purchase a new staff. > > -ZotPower Industries Technical Support And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To: "ZotPower Industries Technical Support" } From: "The Internet Oracle" } Date: Sun, 14 Jul 2002 13:27:23 - (EST) } Subject: Re: Staff of Zot Power Overload } } To whom it may concern, } } The situation is not that simple. It is true that I purchased my } current DX-6391 several thousand years ago. However, I kindly remind } you at ZotPower that my ZotStaff came with a full life-time warrenty, } and I am still very much alive. } } As to your suggestion to purchase a new staff, you must not be aware } that after Zotting thousands of w**dchuckers and Ungrovellers, this } particular staff holds significant personal and sentimental value to } me. Plus, to be perfectly frank, I hate your newer ZotStaffs, with } their built in "right" and "wrong" ethicators. If I want to Zot an } annoying supplicant, you'd better bet your pink frilly pajamas (you } know. the ones your mother gave you last year) that I'm going to Zot } *without,* and I repeat *without* having to wait fifteen minutes for my } ZotStaff to decide wheather or not this is morally correct. } } If your products are incapable of handling my business, I may have to } search elsewhere. } } You owe the Oracle a new Power Crystal. --- 1274-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most smart, > > What does the snail Mafia want now?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } SCENE: a dimly lit alley behind an Italian restaurant. Enter 4 } snails. } } SNAIL MOB LEADER: "All right Benny, what gives? We gives youse } protection from them slugs, and youse disrespect us by saying youse } don't got da lettuce you owes us?" } } BENNY: "I got the lettuce, Don Gastropodia! I got it! I just need } a little more time!" } } SML: "Time? Time, my friend, is what youse don't got. Squeaky! } Break his kneecaps!" } } SNAIL GOON #1: "Uh, boss..." } } SML: "Yeah, what is it? I don't gots all day!" } } SG1: "He doesn't got no kneecaps!" } } SML: "No kneecaps? Aw crud... (mumbles incoherantly for a minute)... } All right then! Vinny! Get a bag of quick-dry! We're gonna make } this guy a nice pair of concrete boots, and see how he likes visitin' } the little fish!" } } SNAIL GOON #2: "Er, boss..." } } SML: "What, what, what is it now?!?" } } SG2: "He don't gots no feet either! How we's gonna give him concrete } boots without no feet to put in 'em?" } } SML: "For the love of... (mutters incoherently for 2 minutes)... } All right kid, I tell youse what. I like youse, so I'm gonna let } youse go this time. But I want youse out of town, kapish? Be out of } town by sundown tomorrow, and we'll forget about this little matter." } } BENNY: "Could we make it next week? City limits are five miles away, } you know..." } } END SCENE } } You owe the Oracle a tearful acceptance speech for the Oscars. --- 1274-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most poetic and lyrical Oracle, the chorus to reality that is > your digests are the music that instills wisdom far and wide, > > Is it possible to have a planet without evil? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. Countless planets are uninhabited. --- 1274-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > No number of promiscuous nuclear physicists disguised as tiny rancid > skeletons(as opposed to say unshaven horses or evil-hearted firemen) > could be as awe inspiring as the Oracle! > > I won't mind these voices in my head of they spoke English > so I figure what it is they're telling me to do. What can > I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gosh darn, that is a good grovel! It makes my heart-equivalent go } pitter-patter with the sound of tiny feet. } } You know how the image on the retinas of an eye are actually } upside-down and reversed by the lens? Sounds on the inside of your } skull are the same. Most psychotics can already reverse the sounds } already, but it seems you have some sanity getting in the way. I'd } prescribe some pro-depressants like Cazorp or Tlofoz, but I doubt any } apothecary worth their salt would accept an email printout as a } doctor's scrip. So, time to make with the therapy: } } Voices in one's head tend to be rendudant, saying things over and over } like "it puts the lotion on it's skin," "criminals are a cowardly and } superstitious lot," "that was my stapler; burn the building," or } "tellme". Listen to what the voices have to say and see if you can } duplicate the sounds out loud. This exercise is going to take some } dedication, you will have to practice everywhere -- bathroom stalls, } your place of work, walking the hospital grounds. People are going to } look at you funny if you practice at a normal speaking volume, so it's } better to mumble this to yourself while you're in public. } } Once you're certain you can reproduce the sounds in your head, time to } form a heavy-metal band. With enough theatrics like biting the heads } off of w**dch*cks on stage, you're bound to attract the attention of } the local fundamentalist Christian decency league. Here's where you } release a new single where you chant the sounds from your head under } the chorus of your latest hit single "Every Time You Tell a Lie, Baby } Satan Laughs." The decency league ("think of the children!") will } record your song, play it backwards to look for hidden messages, and } decypher what the voices in your head have been telling you. So just } sit back, get a copy of the daily paper, and the message should be } there as part of the expose scandal about your band, on page A12, next } to "Doonsbury." } } .epat gniksam-sdrawkcab fo llor a elcarO eht ewo uoY --- 1274-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, > I have this application to be on MTV's Real World. By glancing over the > questions, it looks like they are searching for certain answers to the > questions. What answers should I give? > __________________________________________________________________ > MTV's Real World Castmember Application > Please fill out this application and return to MTV Networks, New York, > New York. > > Name_________________________________ > Age__________ Social Security Number__________________ > Address____________________________City________________State__________ > Sex_______ Number of times you've had sex________ > > 1.) What is your sexual orientation? > (A) Homosexual (B) Bisexual (C) Heterosexual (D) Still trying to > discover myself > > 2.) How many times a day do you cry? > (A) 1 to 5 (B) 6 to 10 (C) I don't (D) I lose count > > 3.) How many dates did you have the past weekend? > (A) 1 to 5 (B) 6 to 10 (C) I don't date (D) I was too drunk to remember > > 4.) Are you willing to make sure our cameras are rolling before picking > fights with your roomates? (A) Yes (B) No (C) I don't fight (D) I'll > fight anytime the producers ask me to > > 5.) What is your favorite movie? > (A) Star Trek (B) The Crying Game (C) Casablanca (D) Heathers > > 6.) Are you willing to use only the products of official sponsors? > (A) Yes (B) No (C) You mean MTV has sponsors? (D) I'd tell the world > how good your sponsor's products are > > 7.) What was your favorite past Real World cast? > (A) New Orleans (B) Miami (C) London (D) Hawaii > > 8.) Who is your favorite musician? > (A) P.O.D (B) Pearl Jam (C) Beethoven (D) Linkin Park > > 9A.) Describe your appearance (guys) > (A) Average (B) Could use a better hairstyle (C) Overweight with lots > of zits (D) Big abs > > 9B) Describe your appearance (girls) > (A) Average (B) Average, but others think I'm hot (C) Overweight (D) > Big hooters > > 10.) If selected, will you be willing to have your privacy constantly > violated, your family find out your darkest secrets, your mother see > you smootch up to someone you met in a club, and be humiliated > constantly on national TV, all for $15,000 and five seconds of fame? > (A) Yes (B) Maybe (C) No (D) I'll do it for free! > > Signature__________________________Date____________ > Please enclose a recent photo, your medical records from the past three > years and list two referrences. Mug shots do not count as a photo. You > may only use one parole officer, probation officer, court psychiatrist, > warden, etc. as a referrence. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It doesn't really matter which answers you give on that application, } since they're just going to pick 200 people at random to interview and } then pick the most annoying 10. But what's really interesting is the } similarities between the "Real World" and "Jeopardy!" applications: } } "Jeopardy!" Contestant Application } Please fill out in black ink and return to "Jeopardy!", c/o Sony } Studios, Culver City, California. ("Jeopardy!" reserves the right to } forward rejected applications to "Wheel of Fortune.") } } Name ___________________ } Age _______ IQ ________ High school GPA _______ College GPA ______ } Address ___________________ City ______________ State/Province ______ } E-mail address ________@____.edu } } 1.) Highest level of education achieved } (A) Master's degree (B) Doctorate (C) Two doctorates (D) Doctorate in } every subject } } 2.) Profession } (A) Professor (B) Teacher (C) Instructor (D) Lawyer } } 3.) Favorite author } (A) Aeschylus in the original Greek (B) Vergil in the original Latin } (C) Voltaire in the original French (D) Basho in the original Japanese } } 4.) Favorite current author } (A) Early period Stephen Hawking (B) Middle period Stephen Hawking } (C) Late period Stephen Hawking (D) All of the above } } 5.) Favorite composer } (A) J.S. Bach (B) J.G. Bach (C) J.M. Bach (D) J.P. Bach } } 6.) Amount of time it took you to spot the fictional Bach(s) in the } above question } (A) 1-10 seconds (B) Less than 1 second } (C) Less than 1 microsecond (D) Less than 1 picosecond } } 7.) I have been using computers since... } (A) They hooked up to a TV (B) They only came in kit form } (C) They used punch cards (D) Charles Babbage invented them } } 8.) I have been watching "Jeopardy!" since... } (A) Alex Trebek began hosting (B) Art Fleming began hosting } (C) The original run-through in Merv Griffin's office } (D) I was sitting next to Merv Griffin when he came up with the concept } } 9.) (Males only) Facial hair style } (A) Goatee (B) Van Dyke (C) Full beard (D) Handlebar mustache } } 10.) If selected, will you laugh at all of Alex Trebek's "jokes" during } the interview portion of the program? } (A) Yes (B) Absolutely (C) Especially if they're at my expense } (D) Especially if he mentions Canada } } Signature_______________________ Date__________ } Please enclose photocopies of all diplomas, SAT and ACT results, and } opening move for "Jeopardy!" Contestant Chess-by-Mail Game #1, along } with two references. You may only use one local Mensa chapter officer } as a reference. --- 1274-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, I have invented a new shampoo/conditioner/ > body lotion/enema/salad dressing/face paint/motor lubricant. > What would be the best way to market this revolutionary product? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here's the problem: a product strikingly similar to the one } you have concocted is already in the marketplace. It is being } marketed internationally as "Pepsi." Your first step is to } differentiate your product from Pepsi by pointing out that yours is } a shampoo/conditioner/body lotion/salad dressing/face paint/motor } lubricant while theirs is merely a shampoo/conditioner/salad } dressing/face paint/motor lubricant/industrial solvent/soft drink. } Also play up the fact that yours tastes better. } } Here, the Oracle is thinking of some snazzy billboard ads. Show } barely-clothed young people at the beach drinking your product while } rubbing it on their bodies, in their hair, and into their engine block. } } Once you've established your brand, it's easy sailing from then on out.