From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jan 7 10:23:02 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id h07EtOj09699; Tue, 7 Jan 2003 09:55:24 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 7 Jan 2003 09:55:24 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200301071455.h07EtOj09699@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1302 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1302 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1302 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 07 Jan 2003 09:55:11 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1302 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1297 62 votes 27pfd 3qn82 1dvc5 34tl5 7hjg3 7bel9 17pm7 2aml7 0cnj8 04enl 1297 3.3 mean 3.5 2.7 3.1 3.3 2.9 3.2 3.4 3.3 3.4 4.0 --- 1302-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Brilliantest Oracle! Your wisdom is renowned throughout the cosmos! > > What's the best way to take apart a VCR? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Leave the VCR in a room with a seven year old boy for twenty } minutes. --- 1302-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most methodical and precise Oracle, > > What can I do as an individual to help cause another Ice age? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We all know that your vote counts. The best thing you can do } is to vote. Any of the following parties is acceptable for } causing another ice age: } } Republican, because they don't know what they are doing } Democrat, because they think they do know } Tory, because they caused all the other problems } Whig, because nobody understands them } Conservative, ready to keep the heat in, letting the ice form } elsewhere } Liberal, because they support the Socialists } Christian Democrat, the modern Holy Roman Empire } Labour, who are Marxist at heart, even if not in action } Socialist, because central planning helps keep everyone cold } Communist, because they have experience in Siberia } Marxist, because a good theory always wins over cold facts } Trotskyist, because there's a hatchet buried somewhere in all that } ice } Green, because they used to be Red, but green's a cooler } colour } Wobbley, because the IWW members could use a bit of support } } Avoid the Libertarians, the Liberians, the Librarians, and the } Libertines. They are all facets of the same party, and they just might } know how to prevent an ice age. Personally I'm going with the Libation } Party. --- 1302-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle most penetrating and equitable, > > How bad will it be this time compared to last year? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well - this time you won't be a *virgin*... --- 1302-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle of oracles, Sage of sages, Scribe of scribes and > Teacher of teachers please take a moment to speak > wisdom to a humble supplicant. Why are students of > Ancient Chinese Secrets always called Grasshopper? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Cockroach" didn't exactly work too well. } } You owe the Oracle a live grasshopper. Then, you will be enlightened. --- 1302-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Could I have fries with that? > +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ > > NOTICE: Please note that this eMail, and the contents thereof, > is subject to the standard eMail disclaimer which may be found at: > http://www.eMail.com/disclaimer.htm > > If you cannot access the disclaimer through the URL attached and > you wish to receive a copy thereof please send an eMail to > disclaimer@eMail.com. You will receive the disclaimer by return eMail. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure. Here you go. } } +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ } NOTICE: Please note that these fries, and the ingredients thereof, are } subject to the standard McDonald's disclaimer which may be found at } http://www.mcdonalds.com/legal/index.html } } If you do not wish to read this disclaimer but you wish to eat the fries } anyway, you lose all right to sue us over anything at all, related or } unrelated to fries, McDonalds, disclaimers, or the Internet Oracle. } } And yes, we knew you were going to try to sue us for selling you fries } which make you fat, you bastard. --- 1302-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, so flexible and obliging ... > > I'm tired of you being an internet gimmick. I want a daily "The > Internet Oracle" comic strip. Get right to it. Chop chop. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Chop chop? } } Gimme, gimme, gimme. --- 1302-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Scientists are always giving conflicting reports as to what is the > correct best diet for healthy living. Wise Oracle what do you > suggest we humans dine on so that we may live longer and healthier > and thus have more time on Earth so that we can have more time > to worship Your Wisdom and Knowledge? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A wise man said "you are what you eat," so for a longer lifespan I } recommend you eat the elderly. } } You owe the Oracle some Great-Grandpa Sauce. --- 1302-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > happy new year ! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not likely! Wait until you SEE the changes to the last part } of "The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King" that Peter } Jackson has implemented! } } --The Most Startling Changes in the film version of RotK -- } } 10. Tom Bombadil!! Tom has relocated! He now lives between } Osgiliath and Cirith Ungol. He provides shelter for } Gollum, Sam and Frodo as events unfurl in Minas Tirith. } The images of him dancing around like a fool with The } Mountains of Shadow in the background are disturbing to } say the least. "Fans wanted Tom, so I gave it to them!" } says Jackson. } } 09. Merry kills the Witch King with a wet towel! The Witch } King has Eowyn by the hair, his evil steed is munching } on Theoden's head. Then SNAP! Merry knocks the Witch } King's crown off with a sodden banner he finds in the } midst of Pelennor Fields which somehow kills the undead } lord, go figure. This is made all the worse by a creepy } flashback Merry has right before the deed of a wet towel } fight with Fatty Bolger and the lads back at Crickhollow. } } 08. Legolas gets a finger cut off by Gimili's ax by accident. } Using 'Elf Magic' he makes the missing digit regrow like } some high speed lizard tail. This is supposed to be some } kind of foreshadowing. "Viewers like foreshadowing," said } Jackson. } } 07. Gimli falls in a latrine pit at Minas Tirith. The Oracle } doesn't want to say anymore about this. Yeech. } } 06. When Pippin looks in a palanti'r and sees a waving New Line } Cinema logo, -then- the Red Eye. } } 05. A red headed woman of extraordinary beauty sees the Hobbits } at Aragorn's Coronation and says aloud "Hobbits! Well, what } is next? I have heard of strange doings in this land, but } I have seldom heard of..." then her lines get drown out } by the blare of horns. Peter Jackson explains, "I got } more email asking to include that line that you can imagine, } so I put it in. It's details like this that make my film } so true to the spirit of Tolkien." } } 04. On the Paths of the Dead, Aragorn meets up with the ghost } of Christmas 2001, 2002, and 2003. All of which are played } by Peter Jackson. "Hey, these ARE holiday films too, what } says that better than an allusion to Charles Dickens?" } explains Jackson. } } 03. The Dance of the Pumpkins. Trust me, you don't want to know } anymore about this. } } 02. Faramir gets killed. For reals. Gandalf marries Eowyn in } a double ceremony with Aragorn and Arwen. } } 01. Sam SHOVES Gollum into the Crack of Doom. "Die Stinker! } And here's a finger from me!" a line and a accompanying } gesture that will live in film infamy. } } You owe the Oracle some very expensive popcorn. --- 1302-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty oracle, who laughs at all the wisdom of humans, please help > me understand. > > Is it just coincidence that digest 1294-08, wich dealt with Homer > Simpson, had a distribution of 07doh? How did Homer's quote match the > distribution? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hee, hee. The Oracle was wondering when someone would notice } that one. Many of the other 'joke' scores have been found and } commented on in the various tomes about The Oracle. } } For example: 1051-01 score: Dog34 } Was about Cerebus, though it's implied that no one got the joke. } } And 1133-04 score: 7god9 } Gives info on how to deal with pent up evil from the advantage } of someone playing God as a doctor. } } And 813 score: grAte } Tended to rub one's sense of humor raw in a painful way. } } 842-10 score: drmop } Was an insider joke and tip of the hat to the head janitor } here at the temple. } } While 912-06 score: nEwb1 } was a joke score at the expense of the obvious newbie that } wrote it. } } Often such messages are spread across two scores, and } use the time honored B1fF writing conventions: } } * If you're over 18 years of age check out 782-9 and 10 } to see why they were listed as: 8hotj 3cuum } } * 1astg 1funf ( Last 1 Fun ) are two answers about the } joys of game playing in 778-06 and 08, only one of } which was amusing } } This whole silliness reached it's zenith with the entire } sentence joke answer of end of an era digest #999 with } it's long "Paul/Zadoc is dead" theme carried out through } all the answers in landmark digest number 999. The hilarious } score that with it requires no explanation, one because } it's so obvious, and two the tongue in cheek channel PZS } documentary on that digest explains it in detail. } } pBq79 oophe 5cqBo agAse hqFf5 fhnpo 7aqFk uupd6 9rCo6 bvzn4 } } The Oracle still laughs when he hears some one read that } out loud for the first time and sees the expression on } their face when they finally get it. } } You owe the Oracle a fan. --- 1302-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Internalnet Oracle, I humbly ask you for help in my > quest for knowledge. I am trying to learn how to become an > Oracle myself. Surely you'll approve of such a task. > > So please tell me, how did you get to be an Oracle? Is there > a special school, or a magic powder, or a secret handshake? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually you need to be a manifestation of the will of Apollo, } at least that's what I did.