From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Jan 17 10:22:42 2003 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.11.6/8.11.6/IUCS_2.47) id h0HExxm01746; Fri, 17 Jan 2003 09:59:59 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 17 Jan 2003 09:59:59 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200301171459.h0HExxm01746@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1304 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1304 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1304 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 17 Jan 2003 09:59:45 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1304 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1299 58 votes 16hig 3ahk8 2adna 1dgl7 29t99 79cm8 8dgba 65acp 27gkd 33fmf 1299 3.5 mean 3.7 3.3 3.5 3.3 3.2 3.3 3.0 3.8 3.6 3.7 --- 1304-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Frinkity frink And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello, and welcome to another edition of: } } Sounds: Aren't they funny? } ================================ } } New research into the `fr' sounds indicate a hitherto undiscovered } potential. The Human Speech Project (HSP) has reached the `fr', } and several independent tests shows a consideral humoristic } potential such as has not been seen since the `br' sound (classics } as `briibah', `brunch', `broobar' and `braarh'). The unsuspected } surprise `friibah', the first funny `fr'-word to be found, was } also the first hint at the newest breakthrough. Suspicions were } further confirmed when the even funnier `fr'-word `fraarh' was } found, and experts now agree that much of the funniness is to be } ascribed to the otherwise innocent looking `r'. } A new wing in the research has even claimed that this is not a } singular case, but that the funniness of a word can be directly } ascribed to the `r'-density. This rather radical claim is supported } by a number of examples (`ruhr' is funnier than `rooahr' etc.), } but is not widely recognized, and in fact counterexamples exist } (`dimaan' is funny but `drimaan', `dirmaan', `dirmraan' and } `dimaarn' is just noise). } The main stream of the research leans more towards the view that } it is the conjunction of `r' to another consonant that } imbues the other consonant with funniness and the classical } consonant-conjunction-test (see table) seems to support this. } } `r'-conjunction (the `*ii'-test): } } brii (5), crii (3), drii (6), frii (5), grii (4), hrii (4), } jrii (3), krii (2), lrii (-), mrii (4), nrii (5), prii (3), } qrii (-), ------- , srii (4), trii (4), vrii (7), wrii (3), } xrii (-), zrii (2). } } Note especially the all-time highscoring `vrii'. The experts agree } that this is indeed a breakthroug, but also that much is still to } be researched, but already now the amateur has certainly been given } a new powerful way of beginning words. --- 1304-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please, greatest Oracle, tell me: > > How are Oreos made? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } EXTERIOR SHOT: Hollow tree with photogenic forest sprite } peering out of hole. } } CRUSADING INVESTIGATING REPORTER: "Sir! Sir! Do you } confirm or deny the allegations that you're making Oreos } here?" } } KEEBLER ELF: "Wrong brand. You want the Nabisco Elves, } two trees down." } } CRUSADING INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER: "Crap." } } Several BRIGHTLY COSTUMED figures suddenly appear in } MOTORCYCLE HELMETS, brandishing THICK BOOKS and STACKS OF } PAMPHLETS. } } RED FIGURE: "Hi there! We're the Mighty Mormon Power } Rangers! Saying the word 'crap' makes the Baby Jesus cry!" } } CRUSADING INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER stares mutely. } } KEEBLER ELF stares mutely at the Pink Ranger's boobies. } } CRUSADING INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER: "Oh, shit. We'd better } get some help from the Jehovah's Witness Protection } Program." } } CUT TO grainy black and white film of film-noir-ish office } scene. MEN IN DARK SUITS wearing fedoras and carrying } Bibles walk purposefully to and fro, while WOMEN IN MODEST } LONG DARK DRESSES answer the phones. } } WOMAN ON PHONE: "Well, I don't know, honey. *tee-hee* } What are *you* wearing? Oh? That makes me go all } tingly..." She looks up and notices the camera on her, } gives a strained smile, and hangs up quickly. The camera } switches to a HEROIC-LOOKING JEHOVAH'S WITNESS PROTECTION } PROGRAM TEAM LEADER wearing a comically large crucifix and } a bandoleer of bottles of holy water; he has a bundle of } copies of The Watchtower in one hand and a cellular phone } in the other. } } JEHOVAH'S WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM TEAM LEADER: "This } Keebler elf says he needs our help, and asks us, as the } Jehovah's--" } } A MOB of DIRTY BRONZE AGE TYPES bursts in the door, } carrying large stones. } } MOB LEADER points at TEAM LEADER and SHOUTS: "Stone him! } He said 'Jehovah!'" } } SHRILL WOMAN IN MOB: "Wait, *you* said 'Jehovah!' We have } to stone *you!*" } } BRONZE AGE MOB begins pelting one another with stones and } shouting "YOU SAID 'JEHOVAH!'" "YOU SAID 'JEHOVAH' FIRST!" } } EXTERIOR SHOT: OFFICE BUILDING, which now resembles a } small, cheaply made model. A GIANT FOOT comes down from } the sky and stomps on it, accompanied by a loud and juicy } farting sound. The camera tracks up the foot, up the leg, } up to--It's KIBO! } } KIBO: "That was much too silly." } } KIBO then walks away, absent-mindedly eating Oreo cookies } from a bag. } } THE END } } CREDITS: } } CRUSADING INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER: Charlton Heston } KEEBLER ELF: Danny DeVito } LEADER OF THE MIGHTY MORMON POWER RANGERS: Charles Nelson } Reilly } PINK RANGER: JoAnne Worley } WOMAN ON TELEPHONE: Janeane Garofalo } PROTECTION TEAM LEADER: Eddie Deezen } LEADER OF BRONZE AGE MOB: John Cleese } SHRILL WOMAN IN MOB: Eric Idle } KIBO: Christopher Walken } THE USENET ORACLE: Himself } } CELL PHONES provided courtesy of thoughtless drivers. OREO } COOKIES provided courtesy of Nabisco, Inc. } } You owe the Oracle a bag of Oreo cookies and a better } script. --- 1304-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Could you -please- pass the cheese? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My digestive system can't be rushed. You'll just } have to wait until nature takes its course. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of what you're } planning to do with the cheese when it appears. --- 1304-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > One woodchuck, > Two woodchucks, > Red woodchuck, > Blew woodchuck. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Can you zot him in the can? } Can you zot him in his hand? } Can you zot him in a car? } Can you turn him into a blob of bubbling tar? --- 1304-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wonderous and all knowing Oracle, > > What should Garfy do about his teeth? > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Morsh Limited > Registered in: England > Registered Office: The Morsh Centre, London > > Morsh Ltd is a member of the General Insurance Standards Council. > > Morsh Ltd conducts its general insurance activities on terms that are > set out in the document "Our Business Principles and Practices". > > This message and any attachments are confidential. If you have received > this message in error please delete it from your system. If you require > any assistance please notify the sender. Thank You. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm sorry, but the message you sent is confidential, and the answer } cannot be supplied to anyone at the Morsh Centre. Please resubmit } your query in the form of a ten-pound note. --- 1304-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise one, who's ear wax contains more wisdom that the entire > population of the Earth; > > Will Lealani and I be together for eternity? > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Morsh Limited > Registered in: England > Registered Office: The Morsh Centre, London > > Morsh Ltd is a member of the General Insurance Standards Council. > > Morsh Ltd conducts its general insurance activities on terms that are > set out in the document "Our Business Principles and Practices". > > This message and any attachments are confidential. If you have received > this message in error please delete it from your system. If you require > any assistance please notify the sender. Thank You. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Make that a twenty-pound note. --- 1304-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Guten Tag, Great Oracle, > > Please to tell me vhich ist ze best mezzod fur vorld domination. Mein > r-r-research indicates zat secret orbital veapons are perhaps ze most > cost-effective, but I haf always had a soft spot fur ze stolen nuclear > devices, ja? I am in somezzink uff a hurry, so I am villink to cut a > few corners undt execute a few henchmen if necessary. Should I be > vorried about British secret agents? > > Mua-ha-ha! > > Herr Doktor von bo:ser Geist > Hauptwissenschaftler, > Weltherrschaftgesellschaft And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sigh... evil geniuses... now there's an oxymoron. It's always the } "big kablooie" and the "laser this" and "laser that", never the } subtle "bishop to king's rook 3 that sets up the game for a win 32 } moves down the road" for you guys. Sigh. } } Here's a few plans you could try: } } 1) Hoard pennies. Just pick up a few industrial size vats of pennies } and watch the North American economy crumble as the U.S. mint produces } more at the cost of 1.5 cents for every penny. The beauty of it is } that it turns 99% of Americans into co-conspirators. I can see the } posters now "Save a penny... for evil! America needs your pennies." } } 2) Launch an ad campaign for SUVs. Doesn't matter which brand just } encourage more people to buy them. Combined with a pathological } loathing of the Kyoto accord you can run away rich with real estate } speculation (think "Superman: The Movie" without the nuclear devices... } STOP THINKING ABOUT NUCLEAR DEVICES... AARGH... evil geniuses). } } 3) Low grade biological warfare. Cough on someone. I know it sounds } small but it's like that "she told two people" commercial with } the inevitable fall of civilization due to missed work days and an } insufficient supply of Kleenex. Cough often, cough strategically. } } As for British agents, what's to worry? They're terribly easy to spot } (with their publicists working 24/7) and have a habit of falling } into the easiest of traps if you bait them with a blonde, brunette } or redhead. No, no, Doktor von Poser you should fear the Romanian } agents those guys are bloodthirsty and batty. } } You owe the Oracle an orbital platform for no reason at all... --- 1304-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most practical, > > How can I wash up my cheesegrater without shredding the sponge? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I must confess, Supplicant, that I do not have a great deal of } experience with these "cheese graters" of which you speak. I mostly } have ambrosia, manna, and Herr's Old Bay Seasoning potato chips at } mealtime, with the occasional supplement of lovingly peeled grapes. } But luckily for you, not only do I care about your picayune problems, I } have sources of information direct from the world's greatest gourmands. } Following are the recommendations that I have received: } } From MS, Connecticut, US: } If you find that your sponges are not lasting as long as you feel they } should, give the pot-boy a thorough thrashing and fire one or two of } your sous-chefs, pour encourager les autres. Be careful, though, to use } high-quality rubber or leather lashes so as not to break the skin. } } From EL, New Orleans, US: } You put in a little garlic, maybe eight or nine cloves, and half a } gallon of Tabasco with some crawfish. They get so spazzed out they } thrash around like crazy and knock all the cheese off the grater. BAM! } } From CK, Tokyo, Japan: } If memory serves, the cheese grater and the sponge serve as opposites } in the great game of dining, with the one needing the other and yet } leading to its destruction. As the old saying goes, "If the sponge is } seen in the full moon, the grater will never surrender." } } So there you go, Supplicant - it all seems pretty simple. Please do let } me know how it works out. } } You owe the Oracle a good table at Morimoto. --- 1304-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle: when i came home from work today, my landlord, who > lives in our four-plex, had carpeted the garage. He lives in #1, i > live in #2, and we share a double garage to which we each have assigned > doors. The entirity of our double garage has been carpeted, > fetchingly, in a mid-length champagne brown acrylic. The landlord has > parked his Mercedes in his usual space, which is now carpeted. I ask > you, oh great Oracle; am i to do the same? I fear hot engines sparking > flames in the fibres, i fear reversing wheels spinning up the > un-mounted carpet, and yet i also fear complaining - as it may be > percieved as a rude rejection of an offering, a gift. If i am not to > park upon the lovely fibred field, lest i enjoy treating with the > visitation of firefighting professionals and the insurance claims > adjustors, what words may i use to gently, kindly, and politely request > the removal of same? I am at a loss; am i insane, or is this situation > "a bit much" in truth? Thank you!, great Oracle. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, this is the problem with which you are faced: } } Your landlord is insane. Anyone who would carpet a garage would also } attempt to hydraulicize a cat, would dress up as the word "Umlaut," and } would watch and enjoy the hit series "The Bachelor." Clearly, } therefore, he is not well. } } Now you may decide that the smartest thing to do is to out-insane him, } so as to cause him to break your lease so that you can go live with } someone who has more than 3 of his eight cylinders firing. But honestly } that won't work. If you try to install a Kelvinator, barcalounger, } skittles table, and an orange ironing board on "your" side of the } garage he will simply decide that you are his kind of person, and will } start being more blatantly obvious about watching you through your } blinds at night, possibly by coming into your room and sitting on the } bed. } } Probably the simplest thing for you to do is to have constructed an } iron frame, with ramps, over which you can have mounted a large patch } of asphalt a slightly bigger than your car. You can then have this } installed in the garage and explain to your landlord that the carpeting } was so lovely that you could not bear the thought of dripping motor oil } upon it. Offer to have one made for him as well. } } You owe the Oracle an Astroturfed garden plot. --- 1304-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > Why are we spending billions hunting some terrorists to the ends of > the earth, while we spend even more billions supplying other terrorists > with the latest in advanced weapons? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, a common misconception about money is that it does good if it's in } a big heap somewhere. Aside from Scrooge McDuck staying in shape with } his swimming, money that is stationary will stagnate, and foul anything } near it. } } The real value of money is when it moves. Any budding economist will } tell you that a recession is when people stop spending money. Some } money will always change hands, as it is exchanged for consumable goods } needed for survival, but if the money doesn't move from the purveyors } of consumable resources, then it won't get to the people who exchange } it for replacing consumed resources. A more concrete, simplified } example: } - computer programmer gets paid (Money -> nerd) } - computer programmer buys a coffee so she can code long hours } (programmer -> starbucks) } - coffee vendor buys beans (starbucks -> Juan Valdez) } - bean farmer buys marching powder so he can farm long hours } (Juan Valdez -> drug czar) } - marching powder seller buys luxury item (drug czar -> nintendo) } - game company pays computer programmer if she works long hours } (nintendo -> nerd) } ...and so it goes. So long as the money moves, everyone's happy. If } any part of this cycle is interrupted, even for ethical reasons, then } even the benevolent parts of this cycle will stop. "The spice must } flow," as Paul Atreides once said. } } So remember, if you're going to interfere with the economics of } warfare, you have to make sure that the money and goods keep moving } around. Ammunition, a consumable, is a vital part of this cycle that } mustn't be ignored; money and ammunition *must* move for our continued } health. } } If it were up to me, I'd move the all ammunition into the sun's corona. } } You owe the Oracle an olive branch.