From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jan 20 16:51:23 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/IUCS_2.60) with ESMTP id i0KLpMDi002729; Tue, 20 Jan 2004 16:51:22 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/Submit) id i0KLpMGf002726; Tue, 20 Jan 2004 16:51:22 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 20 Jan 2004 16:51:22 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200401202151.i0KLpMGf002726@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1349 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1349 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1349 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 20 Jan 2004 16:51:11 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1349 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1344 60 votes 4klb4 2apj4 1ahkc 18mm7 4bjfb 46kge 27dt9 dfcf5 4jja8 19ilb 1344 3.3 mean 2.9 3.2 3.5 3.4 3.3 3.5 3.6 2.7 3.0 3.5 --- 1349-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can a prostate exam be made more unpleasant? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A ten foot pole. } } As in I'm not touching this question with one. } } You owe the oracle a very long rubber glove. --- 1349-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Behold the Oracle, though he has lived for eons he has the mental > skills of one three times his known age! The wisdom of the Oracle is > such that he could do nothing which will lower our regard for him! > > What happen to the -other- dinosaurs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Morning Carl. } } Hey Bob. } } Hmm. Anything in the classifieds this morning? } } What? No, sorry haven't read them. Sorry, having a brain the } size of a walnut tends to limit ones literary endeavours. } } Well, someone's been watching PBS. } } Fine. I couldn't figure out how to change the channel. I } wound up missing last night's Survivor. } } Eh, that show's boring. There's barely any chasing or bloodshed. } Dammit! } } What happened? } } Dropped the freaking butter knife again. You mind getting it? } } No, hang on. Geez, you'd think that after several billion } years you'd stop dropping things you can't pick up with } those spindly arms. } } Oh, ha-ha. Look, just hand me the knife, will you. } } So, where's Artie anyway? } } Down at the gas station, remember. } } Oh yeah. You know, I always thought he was a regular kind } of guy. } } Nice to see they put him in the supreme tank, isn't it? } } Yeah, it's sweet. } } Sure beats hanging out at the mini-golf course doesn't it? } } It's a living. Besides, the wrinkly ones taste like jerky. } You should try it. } } I'll pass. Bob, do you ever get the feeling that we should be } doing more with our lives? } } How so? } } Well, here we are, millions of years old. Heck we managed to } survive the asteroid thing... } } What can I say, I'm a heavy sleeper. } } and then have managed to live until now. I don't know, we -- we } should be doing something else. } } Hey, we tried out for that Spielberg movie. "Sorry, we're } looking for someone easier to work with." } } You ate the production assistant. } } You ate the catering truck! } } Sorry, look I like donuts, ok? } } Worse thing is that they steal that idea and use it in the } movie. } } Would you let that go? I dunno, look, there was that guy that scored } pretty big. He hung out with us in the late Cretaceous. } } Strom Thurmond? } } Yeah, him! He turned out ok. } } He's in the tank next to Artie. } } Ok, so maybe not. } } As fascinating as this conversation is, I gotta go. The carpool } is here. } } Criminy, look at the size of that thing. Don't you feel bad about } riding around in an SUV that big? } } Nah, gives me a chance to hang out with old friends. } } You're sick, Bob. } } -- You owe the Oracle 30 gallons of Harold. --- 1349-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "T. Gies" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most lovely Oracle, > > Can we have our pirate back now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I dunno kids, last time I gave the pirate back, you - CHARLIE PUT THAT } DOWN! - immediately threw it down the toilet and I - CHARLIE DON'T EAT } THE CAT! - had to call a plumber to get it out. This was after I } specifically told you not to bring it into the bathroom - SALLY SPIT } THAT OUT! - because of all the damage that happened in there last time. } I only *just* got the tiles cleaned. } } I don't know if - BETTY GET YOUR CLOTHES ON! - I should give it back } quite yet anyway; Charlie is still a bit afraid of it since - BILL } DON'T CHOKE YOUR SISTER! - the time Sally sharpened - JASON DON'T START } A WAR AGAIN! - its little knife and used it to sign her name on his } hand. It didn't help that she gave him some acid first and he - CHARLIE } WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THAT CAT?! - thought he was a bread roll at the } time. He's still nervous around colourful birds, - SALLY TURN THAT DOWN } YOU'LL BLOW SOMETHING UP! - and can't say the letter "arrrr". } } I should have - JASON GIVE THAT NICE MAN BACK HIS EXPLOSIVES! - } listened to the neighbours after they called the cops on you kids. Poor } old Mrs Belvefloop. At least she - BETTY STOP TAKING DIRTY PICTURES AND } SELLING THEM ON THE INTERNET! - didn't suffer too much. We were all } lucky that Mr Belvefloop was too senile to press charges, and - SALLY } STOP MAKING THAT BEEPING NOISE! - I can't believe they gave you back } the pirate - it was in remarkable shape, considering where they found } it. } } So, no, I don't think - KIDS STOP FILLING THE KITCHEN WITH DEAD TUNA!! } - it's time to give you back the pirate. } } You owe the Oracle some Prozac and a babysitter. --- 1349-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise, helpful, and omniscient Oracle: > > Your advice has been of great financial advantage to me. Therefore, I > send you this piece of my revenue as thanks: > > +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ > | T. Grateful Supplicant | > | Bloomington, Indiana 47405 | > | _12/17,_2003__ +---------+ | > | Pay to the | 1000.00 | | > | Order of __T._Internet_Oracle_____________________ +---------+ | > | | > | __One_Thousand_and_00/100__________________________________ Dollars | > | | > | Bank of Usenet | > | 127.0.0.1 | > | | > | For _Services_Rendered_______ Signed _T._Grateful_Supplicant___ | > +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ > > Use it as you wish, and thank you once more for your advice! > > With regards, > T.G.S. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mere mortal, did you think that the mighty oracle sells it's wisdom and } is capable of darken the pristiness of the Truth by accepting money in } charge, as if The Oracle were a bitch rowling around corners, a bitch } of truth, a mere vehicle for the lowest form of human interaction that } are the economical transactions? } } did you? } } Then you are right. } } You do not owe the Oracle anything. Come back soon, darling. --- 1349-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > WR ## WKn # WB ## WK ## WQ ## WB ## WKn ## WR ## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ## WP ## WP ## WP ## ## WP ## WP ## WP ## WP > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## WP ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > -BP- ##-BP-## -BP- ##-BP-## -BP- ##-BP-## -BP- ##-BP-## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ##-BR-## -BKn- ##-BB-## -BK- ##-BQ-## -BB- ##-BKn-# -BR- > ######## ######## ######## ######## > ######## ######## ######## ######## > > Your move. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } WR ## WKn # WB ## WK ## WQ ## WB ## WKn ## WR ## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ## WP ## WP ## WP ## ## WP ## WP ## WP ## WP } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## WP ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## -BP- ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## -BP- ######## ######## } ######## ######## -BP- ######## ######## } ######## -BP- ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } -BP- ##-BP-## -BP- ######## ##-BP-## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ##-BKn-# ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ##-BR-## ##-BB-## -BK- ######## -BB- ##-BKn-# -BR- } ######## ######## ######## ######## } ######## ######## ######## ######## } } Damn that cat! Give me a moment, I'll set the pieces back up. --- 1349-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Omniscent Oracle, that knows all languages, > > have you ever been stuck in the middle of a sentence because the word > you need only comes to your mind in a different... linguaggio? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nein, uno af the grande things ved being omniscent is das you nie } have problemen finding das word du suchst. Regardless von el language. } } You owe the oracle to teach yourself esperanto. --- 1349-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We love you Oracle, > Oh yes we do... > We don't love anyone > As much as you! > > When you're not with us, > We're blue > Oh Oracle, we love you! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He's got ninety thousand questions in his in-box } He's got forty thousand tellmes in his queue } He's got supplicants a-plenty whom he answers by the twenty } And his IQ is a million forty-two! } } There is no one quite as wonderful as Orrie! } There is no one quite as brilliant or as wise! } So everybody grovel and be sure to make it novel } Or he'll ZOT you right between the eyes! } } There is no one quite as wonderful as Orrie! } There is no one who has knowledge as profound! } He's wiser than all sages and he shines throughout the ages } It's the Oracle who makes the world go round (round, round) } } So renounce your w**dch*ck ways and give Orrie all your praise } For it's Orrie, Orrie, Orrie makes the world go round! } } (Orrie, Orrie, Orrie, Orrie } Orrie, Orrie, Orrie, Orrie } Orrie!) --- 1349-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, knower of things that can't be known, seer of > things that can't be seen, doer of things that can't be done: > Some people like to believe that if John Lennon hadn't been > murdered, the Beatles might have gotten back together. But > I have to wonder if it would really have been the same. If > the Beatles *had* gotten back together, say about 1995, what > would it have been like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In order to answer this question, I must probe down into the deepest } recesses of knowledge so ancient that it loops back around and into } the future again, and then back to just 9 years ago on an alternate } timeline. I could explain the scientific principles behind this, } but that's alot of math and you are obviously a music historian, } so you most likely don't give a damn. } } Truth be told, I was never a fan of their late music and their } reunion album, "Purple Submarine," (after John's description, while } on painkillers, of the bullet removed from his leg) was an overall } dissapointment. The rise of Hiphop and badly mixed techno had not, } at this point, completely worn off, so instead of fighting it they } decided to take what they had each learned from the years of separation } and put it to good use. The result was mind blowing, but only sounded } like music if you were on several thousand mics of LSD. } } This should serve as a warning, first and foremost, against tampering } with history. The simple question of "What if" is harmless on its own, } but when you go around looking for a timeline in which John Lennon } not only lived, but actually reunited the beatles, that's just asking } for trouble. } } You owe the oracle an apology for making it listen to that crap. --- 1349-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You wake up with a start. You set your alarm clock wrong again, and it > didn't go off. Now you're two hours late for work, and the boss > told you if you were late once more, you'd get fired. And your > parents told you if you got fired once more, they'd throw you out. > "Right, that's it," you think, "time to genocide the human race!" > > You see: > a desk > some clothes > an alarm clock > Exits: West > > > i > > You are wearing: > some pyjamas > You have: > nothing > > > undress > > You take off your pyjamas. > > > get clothes > > You get the clothes. > > > wear clothes > > You wear the clothes. > > > examine desk > > The desk has junk on it, and a drawer. > > > examine junk > > You see: > a rubber chicken > > > get chicken > > You get the rubber chicken. > > > open drawer > > You open the drawer. > > > examine drawer > > You see inside it: > a portable mini thermonuclear device > > > get device > > You get the thermonuclear device. > > > look > > You see: > a desk > an alarm clock > > > i > > You are wearing: > some clothes > You have: > a rubber chicken > a portable thermonuclear device > > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > examine device } } The thermonuclear device is about the size of a baseball. It is } powerful enough to obliterate a large city. There are two buttons on } the device; one is red and one is green. } } > push button } } Which button do you mean, the red button or the green button? } } > red } } You push the red button. The device begins emitting a soft beeping } noise. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in five minutes. } } > attach device to chicken } } You attach the thermonuclear devise to the rubber chicken. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in four minutes, fifty seconds. } } > stretch chicken } } You stretch the rubber chicken as far as it will go. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in four minutes, forty seconds. } } > release chicken } } What direction do you want to fire in? } } > w } } You release the chicken toward the door. The thermonuclear device } shoots across the room and into the hallway. You hear it hit the far } wall and roll to a stop. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in four minutes, twenty seconds. } } > w } } You walk into the hallway of your house. Your bedroom is east. Your } parent's room is northeast. The dining room is south. The bathroom is } west. } } You see: } a portable thermonuclear device } a piece of paper } Exits: East, South, Northeast, West, Out } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in four minutes, ten seconds. } } > get device } } You pick up the thermonuclear device. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in four minutes, five seconds. } } > get paper } } You get the piece of paper. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in four minutes. } } > out } } You are in front of your house. A garden and lawn lie in front of the } house. To the east you see the garage. The front door is south. There is } a mailbox here. } } Exits: North, East, In } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in three minutes, forty-five } seconds. } } > attach device to chicken } } You attach the thermonuclear devise to the rubber chicken. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in three minutes, thirty-five } seconds. } } > stretch chicken } } You stretch the rubber chicken as far as it will go. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in three minutes, twenty-five } seconds. } } > release chicken } } What direction do you want to fire in? } } > n } } You release the rubber chicken. The device flies across the street and } lands in a neighbor's lawn. In the distance, you see the neighbor's } vicious dog rush toward the device and begin chewing it. You begin to } ponder the wisdom of detonating a 100 megaton thermonuclear device in } your immediate vicinity. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in three minutes, five seconds. } } > open mailbox } } You open the mailbox. } } You see inside it: } a pile of junk mail } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in three minutes. } } > get mail } } You get the large bundle of junk mail. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in two minutes, fifty seconds. } } > read mail } } You leaf through the junk mail. There's nothing much to catch your } interest, until you see a flyer with a magic marker attached. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in one minute, twenty seconds. } } > read flyer } } The flyer is an advertisement for a stationery company. It announces } that one of the magic markers it has sent out has real magical } properties. Could you be the lucky one? } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in fifty-five seconds. } } > get marker } } You take the magic marker. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in fifty seconds. } } > examine marker } } It doesn't look very impressive. It's covered in garish colors. There is } a cap on one end. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in forty-six seconds. } } > use marker } } What do you want to write on? } } > paper } } You scrawl on the piece of paper. } } What type of scroll do you want to write? } } > genocide } } It worked! You have written a scroll of genocide. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in fourteen seconds. } } > examine scroll } } The scroll reads "DAIYEN FOOELS". If you've done it right, it will } genocide any species once read. } } The thermonuclear device will detonate in ten seconds. } } > read scroll } } You have found a scroll of genocide! } } What monster do you want to genocide? } } > humans } } Wiped out all humans. } } You wipe out the entire species, one second before the thermonuclear } device creates a twenty-mile crater around you. So only all those poor } animals in the area get obliterated in the explosion. } } You have died. } } Do you want your possessions identified? } } > y } } You were wearing: } some clothes } You had: } a rubber chicken } a pile of junk mail } } You scored a total of 46 points, out of a total of 500. } This gives you the rank of junior terrorist. } To earn the next rank you need another 29 points. } Play again? (y/n) } } > n --- 1349-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OK Orrie, lets play a little Russian Roulette.... > > /me places a single live bullet into the revolver and spins the wheel. > /me puts gun to head and pulls the trigger > > *..click..* > > Your turn! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *..click..* } } *..click..* } } *..click..* } } *..click..* } } Your turn. } } You owe The Oracle an brief speech on why it is not a good idea to play } Roulette with an Oracle.