From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon May 31 19:19:59 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/IUCS_2.61) with ESMTP id i510JwfW018216; Mon, 31 May 2004 19:19:58 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.10/8.12.10/Submit) id i510Jw6M018214; Mon, 31 May 2004 19:19:58 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 31 May 2004 19:19:58 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200406010019.i510Jw6M018214@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1361 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1361 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1361 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 31 May 2004 19:19:47 -0500 (EST) @@@ Congratulations to Das Internet Orakel, the German language @@@ Internet Oracle, on its recent 10th anniversary! @@@ @@@ See http://www.olymp.org and newsgroup de.rec.orakel. To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1361 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1356 53 votes 56lj2 1dgi5 5dhe4 4gec7 17fka 05cqa 3fma3 657kf 49fdc deea2 1356 3.2 mean 3.1 3.2 3.0 3.0 3.6 3.8 2.9 3.6 3.4 2.5 --- 1361-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I grovel by taking a giant leap sideways in the course > of History. Suddenly it's 1945, and I haven't been born > yet. My father's just getting home from WWII, and has > yet to meet my mother, who thought she was waiting for > someone else. Unfortunately, the sideways leap has left > Hitler victorious, and my mother is Jewish, and about to > be wiped out. My father, OOPS, he's NOT my father, anyway, > that guy who would have been my father comes to her > rescue, but gets blown up by the guards. Damn! I'm not > able to grovel any further because I don't exist. Damn! > > What's the best way to avoid interacting with the Darwin > Awards on a personal level? Stay in bed all day, maybe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } According to your grovel, you don't exist anymore. Thus why } are you worrying about becoming a Darwin Award Winner? } However, I shall assume that your grovel was more allegorical } than actual and answer your last question about avoiding } becoming a Darwin Awardee. } } Most Darwin awardees typically involve a combination of guns, } alcohol, trucks, and/or explosive materials. They also often } use (or should have used) the old joke about a Redneck's last } words (Q: "What are a the most common 'Last Words' spoken by } a Redneck?" A: "Hey Earl, Watch This!"). } } If you wish to not become a Darwin Awardee, follow these } three simple rules: } } A: Don't be a jerk. It really is a simple rule, but you'd be } amazed at how many Darwin Awardees forget it. } } B: Don't assume the laws of physics will not apply to you. } Newton's laws about falling bodies applies to everybody, } whether you wish them to or not. In addition, the good old } kinetic energy equation '1/2 * m * v^2' also applies. The } 'v^2' is the kicker -- as velocity goes 'up' (a common } problem with Darwin Awardees), the kinetic energy goes } 'way up'. Flesh and bone does not do a good job of } absorbing kinetic energy when the inevitable happens. } } C: Don't fall into the 'more must be better' trap. Igniting } one propane tank in the desert is 'funny and only somewhat } dangerous'; igniting ten propane tanks at once is 'stupid'. } } If you follow these rules you can still 'have a life' and not } worry about becoming famous in an infamous way. } } You owe the Oracle a JATO rocket engine -- I've got to check } that one out. --- 1361-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All the blood drained from my face, and > I stood there, as pail as a bucket. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Sasha, don't!" I cried. "I'll return the toys to the } children!" But it was too late. She had already set } the machine into motion. } } Overhead, the gears and pulleys of the gigantic } contraption wheezed as they moved for the first time } in millenia. } } She began laughing quietly as the blades of the } machine began swishing through the air. I knew it had } detected me, and tried to run - but whither there was } no. Is this the end, I thought, of the anti-Santy } Claus? } } I cried out. I puffed on my pipe. I shook like a } bowl full of terrified jelly. The sharp instruments } whizzed nearer, and began to de-beard me. } } "No! Thousands of years of growth...please, turn it } off! I'd rather die than be clean-shaven!" } } I do not remember the initial trimming, but as I felt } the first swipe of lather on my stubble-only face, I } lost consciousness entirely. } } I awoke in midtown Manhattan, with only sideburns to } my name and a candy-cane in my short pocket. Back to } square one. No beard, no ability to pass for the man } in Red. Check in with me in 4020, I thought, and went } to look for employment at one of the city's many duane } reade drugstores. } } You owe the Oracle a sandcastle. --- 1361-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me about plutonic love. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Kind of like uranic love, but with more radiation. --- 1361-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, I'm sending this from a Yahoo! account... > > Hmmm... Strange, I have an overwhelming urge to submit > an obscene question for consideration. But I will > fight it... I will, I must... > > Anu... > > NO! I refuse to type anything obscene. Oracle, can > you help me out here? How can I fight this malady? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ha ha ha ha! I will PUKE on you! *I* am the Oracle now! } Zot! Zot! Zot! Zot! Zot! Zot! Your grandmother PUKED } on me, too! Ha ha ha ha! Zot! } } All you computer nerds and geeks may as well give up. } This is free speech, you can't make me stop, not even } if you are a NetKKKop. If you are allowed to put things } in the queue, I'm allowed to drain it. Or you drain it, } I fill it up, with MY questions, which today will all } be about PUKE, and are funnier than the poindexter ones } you all submit about string theory and partheno-whatevers. } } Nuff said, tuff luck, boo hoo, game over. Zot! And } Zot! again. PUKE on you, puker! Ha ha ha ha! } } Zot! } } __________________________________ } Do you Boohoo!? } } There. That's the last of that batch. I think there's } time to fire up the 'bot and do one more batch, before } I have to get out to catch the schoolbus. Just wait a } fe- Mom, is that you? Oh, I forgot to tell you, the } big kids broke my inhaler yesterday and I need anoth- } *rumble* hey, YOU'RE not Mom, who are you? Get outta } my- *crack* ow! hey! *ZOT* owwwwww!- } } *rumble* *ahem* Sorry about that, Supplicant. I had } been meaning to track down this little twerp for quite } a few weeks now, but never quite made the time. I see } now that I should have taken steps sooner; he has left } quite a mess in his wake. } } He owes the Oracle a cleanup. I'm thinking hands/knees } and virtual toothbrush, until every byte of every message } he sent is cleaned up on the screens of his unlucky } recipients. --- 1361-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle who can make anyone hear him, > > How long an antenna would Kevin need so that I could hear the radio > he's broadcasting in my house? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Kevin's friend, } } The string has to connect ALL the way between BOTH cans. } } Hope this helps! } } Orrie --- 1361-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Fact is Stranger than Fiction > > Man, the craziest thing happened to me yesterday. I had to work > late, and then pick something up at the Mall for my Mother's Birthday. > I was rushing to get home so I could catch my favorite show, Fear > Factor. I was walking quickly and as I turned a corner in the Mall I > bumped in to some guy coming the other way around the corner. I almost > dropped the my Mother's Birthday gift, but managed to hold on to it. > I apologized to the guy and pressed on, but before I could take two > steps he started yelling at me... > > Guy: "Hey buddy, watch where the hell you're going! What's the matter > with you? You stupid or something?" > > Me: "Oh, sorry." > > Guy: "That it? You're sorry? Well... that doesn't cut it! Do you > think its okay to go around bumping in to everybody, breaking all their > stuff? Look what you've done! You made me drop my ice cream cone. > How would you like it if I broke your stuff?" > > With that he grabbed my Mother's gift and smashed it on the > floor. > > Guy: "How did you like that? You didn't, did you?" > > Me: "Now, that wasn't necessary. It was an accident, and I'm sorry, > but I don't feel I'm any more at fault than you were. Besides, my > gift was expensive, and your ice cream cone was only worth a dollar." > > Guy: "Not your fault? Look mister, it was ALL your fault. You got > some kind of death wish or something?" > > About this time I realized that this guy was quite a bit bigger > than I was, and he was getting angrier and angrier by the second. > > Me: "I still feel I wasn't any more at fault than you, but how about > if I buy you a new ice cream cone anyway?" > > I fumbled through my wallet, but only had a twenty dollar bill. > I pulled it out to ask if he had any change, but he knocked it out > of my hands and it fluttered to the floor. Clearly he didn't care > about the money. > > Guy: "I don't want your money! I want revenge! I'll take it out > in blood and broken bones! It's about time you learned a lesson, > and I'm just the guy to teach it to you!" > > I could see he was getting very angry now; his nostrils were > flaring, veins were bulging on his temples, sweat was running down > his forehead, he was breathing quickly, and he was taking a fighters > stance. > > Me: "Calm down, it's not that big a deal." > > Guy: "Look Buster! You're worthless piece of crap! People like you > ought to be tortured and killed; severely tortured for a VERY long > time, then shot and left for the buzzards. You don't deserve to live; > you shouldn't even have been born! Why didn't your mother do the > world a favor and kill you before you could come in to the world?" > > About this time I was thinking that I hate cops sticking their > nose in my private business, but I'd really like to see one now. > > Me: "Uhmmm" > > I was about to respond, but decided it would probably be best > if I didn't say anything. > > Guy: "You are the scum of the earth! The lowest form of life on > the planet! Lower than low!" > > I was getting kind of scared now; this guy was really loosing > it. His arms were starting to flail around, and he was making punching > gestures with his fists. > > Guy: "I'll kill you for this! Rip you apart, s_l_o_w_l_y, piece by > piece, so it hurts like nothing you've ever felt before! I'll tear > flesh from bone, pull your guts out and strangle you with them! > I'll beat you to a pulp and drink your blood!" > > Somebody must have called, because I could see a cop was > running up to us with his night-stick drawn. Boy did I feel better > seeing that. > > Guy: "When I'm through with you, they won't even recognize you as > human; you will just be a pile of pulverized meat and broken splintered > bones sitting in a puddle of blood!" > > Policeman: "John, what's the matter? Did this man do something?" > > The guy's voice suddenly went from raging to calm. > > Guy: "This idiot deliberately smashed in to me and threw my ice cream > cone on the floor. Now he refuses to pay!" > > Me: "No, I offered to..." > > Before I could finish the cop whacked me with his night-stick, > tackled me to the hard Mall floor, twisted my arms behind my back till > it hurt like hell, and cuffed me. "Damn! These guys are friends. > Of course the cop is going to take his friend's side." I thought > to myself. > > Guy: "I tried to work it out with him, but he threatened me with > bodily harm. You can bet I'm going to press charges. I don't care > how much it costs me, I'm going to get the best lawyer money can buy > and have this low life put away where he belongs for a long, long, > LONG time!" > > I started to say something, but the cop whacked me with the > night-stick again. Wow, I didn't know it could hurt that much! > > Policeman: "Shut the hell up, you are in enough trouble already." > > [Time lapses.] > > So, now I'm sitting here in a jail cell with a bunch of smelly > drunks wondering how all this could have happened. I've never been in > any kind of trouble before. There were lots of witnesses at the Mall, > but no one brave enough to come forward. One of the witnesses must > have even made off with the twenty bucks that fell to the floor. Man, > what a lousy day! I'm out that twenty bucks, the expensive Birthday > gift for my Mom, I missed my show, my car was towed and I have to > pay that plus storage fees, I have to hire a lawyer, and pay bail. > > So, Mr. Oracle, let me ask you - How could I have avoided this, > and what was that guy's problem anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, just come clean and tell your mother you forgot about Mother's } Day and didn't buy her a thing. It's not like she isn't used to it } by now. } } You owe the Oracle a calendar. --- 1361-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oranges and Lemons say the bells of St Clements! > > What do the bells of your temple say, Oh wonderful and spectacular > Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Kinzler's top banana," say the bells of Indiana } "Decent jokes do we seek," say TIO's trusted Priests } "Few will meet that contingence," says the Voice of Experience } Mostly "Zot!"s and ">"s, from Incarnations thick of skull } "Why am I not digested!!!" say the Newbs most dejected } "Priests must be heavy boozers," say the Sorest of Losers } "Not again," must say those who are reading this rhyme, } "Obscure little ditties are far from benign; } "I could search the internet, but who has the time?" } } You owe the Oracle an extension on her thesis paper. --- 1361-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most supremely cunning, who could outmaneuver Alexander, > outfox Caesar, outsail Nelson, outwit Clausewitz... I am in need of > your infinite wisdom: > > How do you keep the barbarian hordes from overrunning the temple? > I know your Staff of Zot is a weapon powerful beyond the human > imagination, but still: you've got to aim, fire, etc., and after > a while that's got to get boring; and your minions (Zadoc and the > others) don't seem bright enough to handle things on their own. So I'm > guessing that you've got other strategies at work to keep things > nice and quiet so that Lisa and you can enjoy your time together. > What tactical advice can you pass along to this struggling tyrant? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O, supplicant most martial and strategic, the oracle has little need to } worry about barbarian invaders. The usual discussion between prospective } rampagers usually goes something like this: } } "Let's attack that temple." } "That one over there, which is defended only by a single priest?" } "Yes." } "That one, which is the only unlooted building for forty leagues in any } direction, with the unarmed *smiling* priest defending it?" } "Yes." } "The priest who is unconcerned that we outnumber him fifty to one, is } totally relaxed and is holding up a sign saying 'temple of the oracle- } completely harmless' whilst chuckling slightly under his breath?" } "Oh." } "Sod that. Let's do something a bit less dangerous, like insulting the } thunder gods from the top of a hill whilst wearing wet armour." } } This will probably not work for an aspiring general such as yourself so } here are a few more general tactical tips. } } Incoming fire has the right of way. } If your attack is going well, it may be an ambush. } If you have an impregnable defensive line, the enemy will go round the } side. } supply lines are boring, but essential. } Charging directly at enemy lines is brave, but really stupid. } Don't invade Russia. It's big, cold and has a habit of surprising } invaders. --- 1361-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hawwright! This time I'll dispense with the faulty Acme > grovelling equipment, and get right down to the basics of > the art. These 10,000 cave bats will pick me up and fly > me over the parapets of your abode. > > FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP > FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP > FLOOP FLOOP FLOOP > > As you can see, I'm waving a banner that says ORRIE IS > TOTALLY SPLENDID EVEN IF IT IS MONDAY. > > Then they'll drop me into the driver's seat of your new > BMW controvertable. > > THUDSQUISHHHH > > Oops, I got guano all over the leather seats. Sorry, I'll > clean it up later. > > So, I'll just shift into first gear, > > GRNNNGCGCGHHGHGDDCH-ping > > And then I'll let up on the clutch and vroom the engine. > > VROOM -URRRK-VROOM VROOM VROOOOM KER-SPLATSCHH! > > Blub-blub could you please rescue me from the bottom of > your moat? And I guess this means I don't have to worry > about the guano, right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Despite myself, I'm rather impressed. Groveling before the oracle by } crawling around in my moat whilst covered in bat guano is impressively } subservient, and the manner in which you did it takes guts. } Surprisingly enough, you're also spared a zotting for totalling the } convertable, as this gives me a chance to get even with that dratted } insurance company. I hadn't even touched the thing, so let them write } that one off as an "act of god". Even their twisted imaginations } haven't yet excluded "destruction of vehicle by ariel bombardment with } guano and subsequent immersion in water". In fact I'm feeling in such a } good mood today I'll give you more than one answer. } 1. Put those bats back. They're a protected species and removing them } from their natural habitat could cause damage to another endangered } animal (the Wumpus) } 2. Use the clutch before shifting gears. You'll wear out the gearbox in } no time doing that sort of thing. } 3. It's Wednesday. confound that blasted queue. } 4. No. I'm not going too rescue you from the moat. I'm not in THAT much } of a good mood and you should be able to make it out before the } crocodiles...... Hello? Supplicant? } Oh. } Well, I guess he won't have to worry about the guano. } } Your estate owes the oracle a question prioritiser. --- 1361-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most gifted Oracle, wiser than 700 poignant cats, > > We had those vikings by the HORNS! What HAPPENED? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Fat lady sang.