From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Sep 1 16:27:36 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.62) with ESMTP id i81LRZ3v005915; Wed, 1 Sep 2004 16:27:35 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id i81LRYMY005913; Wed, 1 Sep 2004 16:27:34 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 1 Sep 2004 16:27:34 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200409012127.i81LRYMY005913@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1368 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1368 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1368 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 01 Sep 2004 16:27:23 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1368 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1363 62 votes 5cjk6 1bsf7 1klc8 67nec 17goe 3iqd2 1bjla 29dlh edbae 0bfkg 1363 3.3 mean 3.2 3.3 3.1 3.3 3.7 2.9 3.5 3.7 3.0 3.7 --- 1368-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most brilliant and wise, whose knowledge of ancient > mesopotamia is rivalled only by his own magnificant beauty and grace: > > I am an archeologist currently excavating in a long-lost city in > Egypt. I've come across a strange tablet, which (if I've translated > right) reads: > > "...[broken tablet]... back from 2004 and now I can't get [illegible > hieroglyphic] to return. The Doc says we need 2.1 "Jigawatts" (could > he mean "gigawatts?") in order to fuel the [hieroglyph vaguely > resembling a 1980's sports car], but there's no way to get it up to 88 > pyramid-widths per hour without [hieroglyph of inky-black looking > water]. If anyone gets this, please send us back some ... [end of > tablet; rest broken off] ..." > > So, my question is: where should I dig in order to find the time > machine, and how much could I make in 1973 if I take a current sports > trivia book back with me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's about time you asked me this question. When I met you during the } reign of Pharoh Hapshutset, you were very upset about forgetting to } bring the ... the... oh, blast, that was a long time ago. I wrote it } on a post-it-papyrus, but I spilled coffee on it in Byzantium. Well, } just double-check everything. You seemed very upset at the time, and } ranted about some sports almanack for a good three minutes. } } There's a time machine that is 3700 years old buried under the NE } corner of Hapshutset's tomb, aaaand let me just check... yup, there's } another one just like it that's 7400 years old under the SE corner -- } too decrepit for use, but it's got what remains of the the sports } almanack in the glove compartment, and a message scrawled on the cover: } "Don't forget the..." oh, hrm. Eaten by some sort of lichen. That's } disappointing. } } Oh, what have we here? Under the NW corner of the tomb there's some } stainless steel, it's 11100 years old and vaguely car-shaped. There's } a stone tablet in the passenger seat. It reads: } eagle heron noose fish-with-big-tail cottage eye two-feathers } square eye-eye eagle boat staff scribe heron cloud(?) hand } pregnant-snake jackal heron cottage boat pac-man dig-dug woodscrew } baseball cashew-cashew-cashew man-with-tunic-sleeves-tied-around-torso } stop-sign. Reads like someone was taking dictation. } } Wait, wait, here's some more junk under the SW corner: stainless steel } again, but not enough to resemble a car and this time it's 14800 } years old. It's been mauled somehow, into shapes: LI OD L,NOD 3SV37d. } } Well, if you want the time machine that works the best, I suggest you } use the remains under the northeast corner; and remember, if you don't } get it right the first time, the great thing about time travel is that } you can always go back and try to fix it. } } You owe the Oracle.... oh, wait, you already let me read the sports } almanack from thousands of years in the future. Nevermind, this one's } already paid for. --- 1368-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, aleph-null bottles of beer ... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh Gawd... don't remind me of that party. Too late.. you already did: } } Damn Cantor to the lowest level of Princeton. He just _had_ to } start singing. Then Adams decided to take his clothes off, and } shouldn't have cause we all made fun of his null more than his aleph. } Bertrand was there... in the prime of his life. Russel came to the } party, but was a bit Young. Albert drew some flack from drinking } only "Ein Stein" but he was just a kid, so he did relatively well. } Painlev transcended the singing and in fact the floor and ended up } with a nasty bump on the noggin. But it was Bachmann in the end who } provided with the Big O for everybody. Those details I shall withhold. } } You owe The Oracle a copy of the "Esther Yodels Back" (Polygram } records 1964). --- 1368-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and Mighty Oracle, whos wisdom and knowledge supercedes even that > of the greatest minds on the Earth, which I must admit are not that > great nor wise, > > We just found out this afternoon they are delaying the trial again, it > could be another 6 months of waiting. The lawyer says it could be a > good sign, that the prosecution does not want to deal with our case, > but yet... it is soo frustrating. I guess time will tell on whether > they will see how weak their case is, and want to drop the whole thing. > > Arrrggg, can I scream yet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh yes, Supplicant, you can scream. And you should. You in a } heap o' trouble, boy. } } February 2005: You are served with a Summons stating that your } case is being re-opened. } } March 2005: The Corpus Delectable (your ex-wife) swears under } oath that you not only are suffering from Bankrupture but are } Intestate as well. } } April 2005: The prosecution files new charges, Estoppel of } Double Jeopardy, subpoenaing Alex Trebek as their key witness. } He refuses to testify, and as a result never works in television } (nor, tragically, even gets an appointment at a Hollywood salon } to have a decent perm) again. Nonetheless the indictment stands. } } May 2005: While out on bail awaiting your fair trial, you are } declared out at a softball game under the Infield Fly Rule even } though you hit the ball cleanly over the fence for what should } have been a game winning home run. The call is upheld on appeal, } as the league commissioner turns out to be your presiding judge's } brother in law. } } June 2005: Probate proceedings are conducted regarding your } estate, in preparation for your fair trial. Your ex-wife gets } it all. } } July 2005: Charges of Taxation Without Representation are brought, } even though you are merely a private-practice CPA in Biloxi, } Mississippi. The U.S. revolts and you are assessed the entire } cost of another cleanup of Boston Harbor, to be earned via hard } labor in debtors' prison pending fair trial since you are now } destitute. } } August 2005: New accusations of Moot Nolo Contendere with intent } to commit Aggravated Putative Voir Dire are leveled against you. } The judge will take their word for it. } } September 2005: Turns out they're only getting warmed up. Ipso } Facto, Pepto Bismol, and Presto Change-o, you get nailed with } Bona Fide Nunc Pro Tunc In Camera, a Temporary Restraining Order } against Restraint of Temporal Ordering, and Quid Pro Quo Quantum } Meruit Without Merit. Also you are ticketed for speeding, due } to witnesses, anonymously under provisions of the Patriot Act, } swearing they saw you make the Kessel run in less than twelve } parsecs. } } October 2005: Dura Lex, Sed Lex, the judge reminds you at your } next pre-fair-trial hearing. Ne Bis In Idem, he adds; so they're } gonna get you good the first time around, Alex Trebek be damned. } } November 2005: A writ of De Jure Dismissal With De Facto Prejudice } leaves your lawyers no option but a plea bargain. After five } minutes of marathon negotiations they get you lethal injection } plus electrocution (sentences to be served concurrently rather } than consecutively) at week's end, with possibility of parole } afterward for good behavior, instead of the maximum penalty of } ninety days' probation. } } December 2005: The judge honeymoons in Acapulco with your ex-wife. } Amicus Curiae, indeed. } } You owe the Oracle front row gallery seats at the courthouse. --- 1368-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, Oracle, infinitely knowing yet still with that sense of humanity... > > It's an old, sad story. My man and I got married, and suddenly these > days we're asleep by 10 pm, with little more than a peck on the lips to > show our affections before we roll over and enter our separate > dreamworlds. > > Can you, will you recommend some new bedroom tricks to keep my husband > interested? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Variation and surprise are always key, Supplicant. Instead of } the same old same-old, combine two or three familiar elements } in some delightfully unexpected way. } } For instance: } } - spank the handcuffs before you put them on him. } } - marinate the blindfold in honey for a day or two in advance. } } - buy fresh cream and use a real whip. } } - exchange genital jewelry at bedtime. } } - attend a clothespin swapping party. } } - have him wear his WonderJockstrap(tm) backward or inside-out. } } - engage in role-play, such as "tonight I am interested in a } shag, and you can be my blokey also interested in a shag", } then actually shag. } } - encourage his girlfriend to bring along a friend next time } she is over for the night. } } As you can see, it just takes a little imagination. } } You owe the Oracle a stiff... drink. --- 1368-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It's three o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep. How many ZZZs > are there in the word caffein? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There's only just one, and it's really reeeeally small. You have } to look very closely to even notice it's there at all. No, closer } than that. Closer. Close one eye. Are you SURE you don't see } it? Closer. *poke* } } There, that's for bothering the Oracle for no better purpose than to } relieve your own boredom. And thus the Supplicant was enlightened. } I say that a lot. Not without cause, may I add. And I may. } } Whilst there are no ZZZs in caffeine, there ARE two Es in it. And } thus the Supplicant was enlightened again. See? I get a lot of } cause. } } You owe the Oracle a pine koan. --- 1368-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dearest Oracle, thou for whom chanting thy name not only cleanses the > soul, but causes the dishes to magically wash themselves, pray answer > my question. > > Orrie, I've been looking at all these emails from Nigeria. I've been > adding up the totals, and it seems that Nigera has at least > $1,234,843,835 sitting around in bank accounts unclaimed by either dead > officials, or siphoned off by crooked middle-level management. > > I was wondering what form of wealth generation in Nigeria caused all > this money to come into being, and doesn't this make Nigeria one of the > richest countries, per capita, in the world? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nigeria is not only the richest nation on the planet, but is the } richest on three planets. They have sucked all the wealth from both } Mars and Venus. Think of all those M&Ms. Go and look at Mars. } You will see there is very little left. The Nigerians have it all, } and they didn't generate it, they stole it! --- 1368-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is boredom and lack of imagination and romance a good enough criteria > for divorce? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fraid not, oh Supplicant. Romance fades if both sides don't work } at it, and the boredom can just be the restlessness of realising } that you've chosen one but after a while you've seen what else is } available. } } This whole marriage thingy was made up for partnership, and that's } what you agreed to. And in front of witnesses, too. So look at it } as a working thing. } } OK - so it's gotten boring. You're off chatting on #timewasters, } she's engrossed in Judge Judy - why not try finding out what you } both want out of the next couple of years. Do you have dreams of a } trip? Is she after an evening course in something outrageous? } } Then there's the whole "What did I see in that person"? There must } have been something. I'm hoping it was more than just a hot bod. } Is there a way to reactivate that sick sense of humour, to ignite } the stunning dancer that she was, to get yourself to be the } subject of those lovely poems she wrote? } } And Then there's the little things that perk the imagination. Turn } up to bed one night with a red ribbon. She can tie it anywhere she } wants, and you have to pay special attention to that part for at } least 10 minutes. Then _you_ get to play with the ribbon... } } OK, I've made a couple of assumptions here - because Lisa is } standing over me and says I have to be good with this one. If } you're the lady, I'm sure you can take what's here and turn it to } your own advantage. And certainly, if both of you are now heading } in different ways and there's no chance that those ways could be } parallel instead of divergent, then possibly it's the end of what } once was very special. But don't let just boredom, lack of } imagination and a loss of romance finish off what could be brought } back to life again. } } er..excuse me .. a red ribbon calls. } } You owe the Oracle some time together, a chat to a counsellor to } clarify things (a fresh eye often helps), and honesty and } frankness between you. Oh - and flowers, no matter which way it } works out. --- 1368-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and powerful Oracle, please grant this worthless mortal an > answer. I beg of you to be honest, fair, and true. > > A couple months ago I met this girl who works in a nearby Chinese > restaurant. She's been in the states for about a year and is very, > very cute. I like her a lot, and apparently she thinks highly of > me as well. Though we have never talked about such things. > > I'd been going in once or twice a week just to see her. See her > smile, talk to her for half an hour while paying, you know, the > kind of thing a worthless guy like me would do. Well something > changed today. > > Once in a while my parents stop by there as well, and today they > met this girl. She asked them if I was their son (my father and > I look very much alike). Then she proceeded to talk about me more > than I would have expected. She even had the business card that > I gave her a few weeks ago with her. (the one with my cell number > on it) > > Now, I was not there and only heard this from my parents. I know > they have been trying to get me married off ever since my little > brother and little sister got married a while back. While I would > normally write this off as one of those events, the bit about the > business card has me stumped. They would never have known about > that if she would not have told them. I've sure never said a word > about it to *anyone* till now. This gives at least limited proof > to what they have said. > > My friends suggest I ask her out, and I think they are right. > > There are a few problems with this that I hope you can help me > with. > > 1. Her English is a bit lacking, and my Chinese really sucks. > > I'm worried that the language barrier will be a problem. In > the past there have been more than a few situations where we > just looked at each other confused and moved on to a different > topic. What are your thoughts on this? > > 2. Hours. > > I work quite late, and so does she. > Would it be normal for two people to meet at 11:00pm for a > date? > > 3. I'm nervous about asking. > > Any way to get around this? I know what I want to do, and > what I should do, but have trouble getting the courage. > > Thank you, > Anonymous And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Item 1 is not a problem. There have been many relationships that begin } with the two parties not completely understanding one another but that } continue for many years. Indeed, one might say nearly all } relationships are this way. Nor do the two parties *ever* fully } understand one another. } } To item 2, I must say "yes". There is no abnormal time of day, in this } day and age, for dating. Just find out -- from her, or from another -- } whether this is acceptable in the culture she's from, or whether it's } acceptable to her parents, if they're around. } } As to item 3, what man isn't nervous about asking a girl out on a first } date? Just do it! } } You owe the Oracle an e-mail message with just "help" in the Subject } line. And a photo of the girl. --- 1368-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who's splash cannot be heard in the adjacent room, how do you > use a Turkish toilet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } LEARN TO USE A CLASSICAL TURKISH FLAT TOILET IN 24 HOURS OR MORE } } 1. The Oracle first recommends removing everything important from your } pockets, because once you see step 3, you'll understand why there's a } danger of it falling in. And you don't want it to fall in. } } 2. If you're using a public toilet (if not, skip to step 3), deposit } your payment. You heard the Oracle right; payment. According to the } Oracle's sources, the average fee is approximately 300,500 Turkish } Liras (or about $0.20 in real money). Some toilets even have } different fees based on whether you're going to do number one or } number two; presumably, you're not supposed to do the second if you've } only paid for the first. } } 3. Squat over the toilet. Yes, squat. Don't listen to anyone who may } tell you that this is because doing so is more hygenic; actually, it's } just so that the Turks have an opportunity to openly mock anyone who } forgot to bring their own toilet seat. } } 4. Do your business. Try not to think about where it's going. } } 5. At many toilets, there is a spigot or (even worse) a container of } water to use to clean your underside with, rather than using actual } toilet paper. This is traditionally done - the Oracle's } recommendation is to ignore tradition. It's not as if there's a } police for this kind of thing (or so is the common belief; if it turns } out there is, the Oracle's advice alters to: "get out of Turkey as } fast as possible in any means possible"). And if you're using the } container of water, then please: no double-dipping. } } 6. If there is toilet paper, it's often used to dry your underside and } hand after the splashing. It never seemed to occur to the Turks who } designed the system that it would better conserve water to just use } the paper instead. Those crazy Turks. } } 7. Next, take a d20 (twenty-sided die) and roll a Fortitude Save vs. } Death against a DC of 18. If you fail the save, you will instantly be } sucked down into the Turkish Sewer System. If you succeed in the } saving throw, use the flush button/handle exactly 3.14159 times. If } you don't use it that exact amount of times, you'll still get sucked } down into the sewers. (Coming soon: How to Survive the Turkish } Sewers, by The Oracle) } } 8. Put your clothing back in the appropriate positions and run away as } fast as possible to avoid being forced to make a sanity check. } } You owe the Oracle one Japanese toilet. --- 1368-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, who is as precious to me as Fred Astaire and > Aristotle put together (Fredistotle?), > > Stupidity, like virtue, can be its own reward. What else is out > there that rewards itself? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Congress.