From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Thu Dec 30 00:14:41 2004 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.63) with ESMTP id iBU5Ag6U012801; Thu, 30 Dec 2004 00:12:35 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id iBU5Agfg012799; Thu, 30 Dec 2004 00:10:42 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 00:10:42 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200412300510.iBU5Agfg012799@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1375 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1375 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1375 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 30 Dec 2004 00:10:31 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1375 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1370 50 votes 49bh9 48hk1 06hed 3ebca 3dn65 3amd2 aafb4 05bp9 3dha7 16me7 1370 3.2 mean 3.4 3.1 3.7 3.2 2.9 3.0 2.8 3.8 3.1 3.4 --- 1375-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, please tell me: > > How do I recover data from a hard drive? I deleted my 30GB of warez, > pr0n and p1r4t3d mp3z when I tried to create partitions for installing > UNIX, so I could be a l33t h4x0rz! What tools do I use? A hammer? > (I think a small hammer will be need, then). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are partially correct there, use the hammer on the second row } down of you keyboard. That's right, the one with all the numbers. You } should also firmly hammer the number keys on the right side of the } keyboard. Make sure to place the keyboard on a flat surface first. } } Now, that will remove any ion static from the environment so that } you may start working on the hard drive directly. For this, you will } need a band saw, a screwdriver, a cardboard box, and an assistant, } preferably blond. } } Remove the hard drive from the case carefully! You don't want to } damage any of the contents any more then they already are. Take the } hard drive over to the band saw, and carefully saw the drive into 1 } inch thick strips. Place the hard drive strips into the box and mail } the box to: } } Disk Doctor Labs, Inc. } 5355 Mira Sorrento Place } Suite -100 } San Diego, CA 92121 } } Then drink the screwdriver, and do something fun with your } assistant! --- 1375-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who would win a fight between Superman and Jesus? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it depends on the era, doesn't it? } } Golden Age [dawn of time-about fifteen years before you started } collecting comic books]: Superman uses a Kryptonian chrono-ray to go } back in time to foil the world's first supervillain, the Pharisee, and } his plot to steal Bethlehem's supply of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. } A grateful Joseph asks the strange blue-robed man how he could possibly } repay the debt he now owes. Superman (whose super-hearing allows him } to understand all languages) tells him to raise his son to love all the } people of the world, and that will be more than enough. As Joseph asks } "But... my child hasn't been born yet! How do you know I have a son!?" } the chrono-ray returns from orbiting the moon to bring Superman back to } the present. Later, Clark Kent attends the Daily Planet's Christmas } party, where he remarks to Lois Lane that while Superman is a great } hero, he can think of AN EVEN GREATER ONE. Cue the full-page image of } a glowing crucifix atop the office tree, overlaid with "Read more } exciting adventures of Texas 'Two-Gun' McCallum -- Roy Pinkster, } Two-Fisted Detective -- and Superman in Action Comics!" } } Silver Age [ten years before you started collecting comic books-that } time you smoked weed in your cousin's basement]: On the coldest } December night in Metropolis history, Superman comes across a bearded } man wearing red-stained gloves breaking into an electronics store. } Upon swooping down to arrest the evildoer, the man (who identifies } himself only as "J.C.") begs forgiveness. He wanted to steal the } latest hi-fis and sell them on the black market solely to obtain money } to buy blankets for the orphans in nearby St. Christopher's Orphanage } in the Poverty Alley neighborhood of Metropolis. He is willing to } "render unto Caesar what is Caesar's", but asks only that Superman find } some blankets for the orphans. Moved by J.C.'s message of social } justice, Superman decides that maybe, just maybe, on Christmas it's } more important to respect the needs of vulnerable orphans than the } property rights of an electronics store owner who turns out to be evil } anyway because in the last three pages we learn he's working for Lex } Luthor and building mind control rays into the stereos. On the last } page, Superman asks J.C. when he will see him again. J.C. replies, } with a wistful smile, that he is "closer than you think". Cue the } full-page image of a church, overlaid with "Merry Christmas From Your } Friends At DC Comics!" } } Image Age [the Batman movie that sucked-Todd McFarlane sells his first } Spawn action figure]: Superman. Duh. } } Modern Age [you realize every single comic book out there is complete } and utter garbage and wonder how you wasted so much money on them-you } discover this Alan Moore guy]: Superman and Jesus are actually the } same person, and Metropolis is in a giant underwater dome, and also } dogs are the emperors of Saturn, because it's a homage to the Golden } Age or something. Besides, what are the last three Superman readers } left in the world going to do, huh? If they haven't stopped yet } obviously they'll accept anything. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the one where Green Lantern feeds the } multitudes. --- 1375-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most omnipotent and knowledgeble Oracle... > > The Internet is boring. Where can I get the expansion pack? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because the Internet is open-source, many people have written } extensions for it, as well as themes or "skins" that give it a whole } new look. } } For example, you can help older relatives get familiar with the } Internet by installing the popular Classic TV theme, which punctuates } email and Web pages with commercials every few minutes, replaces } confusing URLs and Web bookmark bars with a simple 13-channel VHF dial, } and converts all graphics to 256-color grayscale with snow and } interference effects. } } If you're a parent who wishes to protect your children from the seamy } side of the Internet but has found commercial filter programs like Net } Nanny too cumbersome, you might try the fabulous Rot13 extension, which } translates all Web and email text into undecipherable gibberish using a } sophisticated, uncrackable algorithm [*], and converts all graphics } into upside-down negative images (a Harvard Medical School study of } online pornography use found that an astonishing 99.8% of 14-year-old } male subjects found it impossible to achieve an erection while viewing } a slideshow of images converted this way!). } } ============= } [*] Vs lbh pna ernq guvf, lbh zhfg or Xvob! } } You owe the Oracle a singing nun. --- 1375-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, of whom I am not fit to lick the boots, > > Why 3.14? Why isn't pi 3? It would make math so much simpler, and > circles would be nicer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We tried that right here in Indiana. We gave it up when } we found that our belts would no longer buckle. (The } Oracle knew all along it wouldn't work, but no one wanted } to believe him, a situation that still obtains.) --- 1375-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help I feel like the government is monitoring all my e-mails @ work... > Is this true? > > *********************************************************** > * E-mail correspondence to and from this address may * > * be subject to the Public Records Law and may be * > * disclosed to third parties. * > *********************************************************** And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, supplicant, it's good that you asked that. After examining the } entire Internet (which is a task grand beyond your feeble imagining) I } can tell you that without a doubt } } THERE IS NO GOVERNMENT SURVEILLANCE OF THE INTERNET. THERE IS NOTHING } TO WORRY ABOUT. YOU ARE BEING KEPT SAFE AND SECURE BY THE GOVERNMENT. } CONTINUE TO WORK AND PAY YOUR TAXES. EVERYTHING IS NORMAL. DO NOT } QUESTION THE GOVERNMENT. ANYONE QUESTIONING THE GOVERNMENT WILL BE } SHOT. TRUST IN YOUR ELECTED OFFICIALS TO PROTECT YOU. THE WAR IS GOOD. } TIMES ARE BETTER NOW THAN EVER BEFORE. ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM. --- 1375-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O omnipotent Oracle, who can burn the foolish with a tap of his > feet, who can ZOT the sacreligious with a wave of his staff, who > can destroy a brick wall with a toss of a mite of dust, who can > paint pictures with a blast of inspiration, who can write novels > with a flick of his fingers, who can open doors with a tap on > his wrist... > > How would you feel if any of the grovels people presented to you > were actually true? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wait... } } You mean they're not? --- 1375-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Now I am more pervious than I was. Are you ready yet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, I've been pervious (and ready) for longer than you've been } alive. } } Please allow me to introduce myself } I'm a man of wealth and taste } I've been around for a long, long year } Telling many a man 'bout his fate } } I was 'round 'fore Og was born } Delivery way past two weeks late } Made damn sure that ol' prim-i-tive } Tamed fire, and sealed his fate } } Pleased to meet you } Hope you guess my name } But what's puzzling you } Is the nature of my game } } I hung out in St. Petersburg } When it came time for Spring break } Got some sun, and I met some girls } Anastasia was my date } } Some beer I drank } From a septic tank } While the coeds cheered } And my mind went blank } } Pleased to meet you } Hope you guess my name, oh yeah } Ah, what's puzzling you } Is the nature of my game, oh yeah } } I watched with glee } Through the centuries } While chaos reigned } All throughout the state } } I shouted out, } Who killed the woodchuck joke? } When after all } It was you and me } } Let me please introduce myself } I'm a man of wealth and taste } I never rest, and I never sleep } I answer all who supplicate } } Pleased to meet you } Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah } But what's puzzling you } Is the nature of my game } } Sure as Zadoc is despicable } And ev'ry priest rots in jail } As spam is spam, just call me Oracle } 'Cause I'm in need of some e-mail } } So if you meet me } Have some courtesy } Have some sympathy, and some class } Use all your well-learned politesse } Or I'll zot you with my staff } } Pleased to meet you } Hope you guessed my name, oh yes } But what's puzzling you } Is the nature of my game, uh huh } } You owe the Oracle some fresh-grown moss. --- 1375-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderful Oracle, > > I challenge you to a duel.. Now will you duel or are you a coward?! > > *Gets ready to duel!* And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alright, Hamilton, I'm game. As soon as you finish of that Burr fellow } we'll duel. } } You owe the Oracle a $20 bill --- 1375-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I get girls to have massive sex with me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hang out outside of a Weight-Watchers' Club. } } You owe the Oracle an industrial strength water bed. --- 1375-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are there any nude photos of me on the Internet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ } | Google - Mozilla Moonimpala -\X| } +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ } | File Edit View Go Bookmarks Tools Help | } | <= => <@> {X} /\ [http://www.google.com/ v] | } +---------+--------+----------+---------+---------+---------+----------+ } |Lisa.jpg |Google |Bob the An|Clan of t|Thag the |Gmail-Ans|Zadoc Blog| } +---------+ +---------------------------------------------------+ } | | } | | } | | } | | } | | } | G o o g l e | } | | } | Web Images Groups News Froogle more>> | } | +-----------------------------------+ | } | |nude photos of me | | } | +-----------------------------------+ | } | [Google Search] [I'm Feeling Lucky] | } | | } | | } | | } | _Advertising_Programs_ - _Business_Solutions_ - _About_Google_ | } | (c)2004 Google - Searching 8,058,044,651 web pages | } | | } | | } | | } | | } | | } | | } | | } +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ } |Done | } +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ } } +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ } |Wating for www.google.com... | } +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ } } +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ } | Google - Mozilla Moonimpala -\X| } +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ } | File Edit View Go Bookmarks Tools Help | } | <= => <@> {X} /\ [http://www.google.com/ v] | } +---------+--------+----------+---------+---------+---------+----------+ } |Lisa.jpg |Google S|Bob the An|Clan of t|Thag the |Gmail-Ans|Zadoc Blog| } +---------+ +---------------------------------------------------+ } | Web Images Groups News Froogle more>> |^| } | +-----------------------------+ | | } | G o o g l e |nude photos of me |[Search] _Advanced_ | | } | +-----------------------------+ _Preferences_ | | } | "of" is a very common word and was not included in your search | | } | ------------------------------------------------------------------ | | } | Web Results 1-10 of about 4,070,000 for nude_photos_of_me | | } | Tip: Looking for pictures? Try _Google_Images_ | | | } | |_Buy_Mirrors_ | | } |_Me's_Radiance:_a_fansite_ |Find out what |#| } |...for her role in /Dancing Lady, Ugly Sword/. |everyone else is |#| } |Forum Links Photos Webring Testimonials |seeing! |#| } |www.geocities.com/DeadendAlley/3291/index4.html |www.mirrors.com |#| } | | |#| } |_Nude_photos_of_me_ |_Hot_Pictures_ |#| } |...single ladies. Well, here they are! Want more?|Steam, volcanoes |#| } |"Male" me at luver_dan45@hotma...com ... |molten steel pix |#| } |www.angelfire.com/mi/ldan45/forthagirls/index.htm|Free Access $5.00 |#| } | |www.volcanoes.com |#| } |_"BlackMul"der_ | |#| } |isn't what you think it is. Scully: Mulder, this | |#| } |is not an alien! Why do you have nude photos of |#| } |xfiction.xfans.com/blackmulder/index3.html |#| } | |#| } |_Oracle_supplicants_bare_all_ |V| } +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ } |Done | } +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ } } Yes. But, dear God, sometimes even an Oracle just does not want to } know. } } You owe the Oracle a spoon suitable for gouging out the Inner Eye.