From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Feb 1 15:20:19 2005 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.63) with ESMTP id j11KKIfl014096; Tue, 1 Feb 2005 15:20:19 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id j11KKIqV014093; Tue, 1 Feb 2005 15:20:18 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 1 Feb 2005 15:20:18 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200502012020.j11KKIqV014093@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1378 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1378 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1378 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 01 Feb 2005 15:20:07 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1378 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1373 43 votes 35hf3 30age 25bm3 31dfb 29ja3 29q51 16dj4 49i84 338dg 29df4 1373 3.4 mean 3.2 3.9 3.4 3.7 3.1 2.9 3.4 3.0 3.8 3.2 --- 1378-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Listen very carefully to me. > > rm -r * > > Format C: > > Delete command.com > > Where's your omnipotence NOW? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } On my Mac, where it should be... } You owe me a iTunes Gift Card and a 30GB iPod --- 1378-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you are so awesome, that you make my feet hurt! > > Why do people have to die? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The simple biological reason is that evolution is really good at having } 'optimized' a human being (any creature, actually) to survive long } enough to reproduce and raise their children. Since human children } need 8-15 years of care to have (at least a reasonable) chance of } survival on their own, and given that every human couple needs to have } '2' children to keep the numbers constant and that the children needs } to have a couple of years between them, a good lifespan target for a } human is in the range of 30-40 years. However, from an evolutionary } standpoint the optimization stops there and humans above the age of 40 } (or so) just get in the way. Eventually one of the critical parts } (heart, lungs, disease control, etc) that got the human to an age of } 40 just 'wears out' and death occurs. } } However, I think you are looking for an answer more like: } --- } First Supplicant: "Oracle, you are so awesome, that you make my feet } hurt. Why do people have to die?" } } Oracle: "Great idea. From now on, humans live forever. NEXT!!!" } } First Supplicant: [Bows and exits stage left] } } Next Supplicant: [Enters from stage left] "Oh great and wonderful } Oracle, How much wood would a woodchuck..." } } Oracle: "You miserable, insolent cur. TAKE THAT!!!" < [A bolt } of highly charged plasma arcs towards the supplicant and strikes him } on the chest]. } } Next Supplicant: [Cringes, expecting the worst, but nothing happens. } Slowly he straightens his back, brushes some dust off his jacket, } and continues]. "er, chuck if a woodchuck..." } } Oracle: "What in tarnation?" <> <> <> <> } } Next Supplicant: [cringes yet again, but nothing happens]. "could } chuck" } } Oracle: "I take it back. Humans don't live forever." } <> } } Next Supplicant: [doesn't exist any more; has been replaced with a } loose pile of dust and a whiff of smoke]. } } Oracle: "I feel better already... NEXT!!!" } --- } So you see, death exists so that stupidity can be adequately } rewarded... --- 1378-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Grapenuts. Dada food? y/n And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } n. It's marketed and sold as food. } } Textured Vegetable Protein? Looks like grape nuts, it's plant-embryos } pretending to be meat. n; dada doesn't try to pretend to be anything. } } Petroleum Jelly: an edible substance discovered as residue on an } offshore oil-drilling rig's drill bit? y. } } Wax Crayons: colourful paraffin charchol substitutes? y. } } A bicycle: filed down to powder and ground up into mince? y. } } Dada is not about expectations, or juxtaposition, and certainly not } about common sense. Duchamp's "Fountain" wasn't ironic, it was moronic } -- art critics thinking it was ironic is the irony. } } You don't owe the Oracle nothing. --- 1378-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most obscene, > > Why the decline in Oracle usage lately? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The popularity of the Oracle has always waxed and waned, as people } look to other sources for the answers to their spiritual questions. } In the 1960's it was tarot cards (though of course I wasn't the } *Internet* Oracle back then), crystals in the 70's... you get the } idea. These days, I think people are turning to Dan Brown books for } their metaphysical well-being. Don't worry, though. The Oracle, like } streaking, will never go out of fashion. } } In the meantime, I'm not complaining. It means I get more time to } spend on the working model of the internet I'm building out of Lego. } } You owe the Oracle one of those long bits with the four knobs. --- 1378-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, > > What ever would I do without you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here's a way to try. Answer this question: } } > Oh Oracle, } > } > What ever would I do without you? } } You owe the Oracle some drawings by Escher, and a recording of a } Dutch person saying that name in their curious way that does not } sound much like "esher" at all. --- 1378-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, most... good, > > Please tell me, how do I... make more good... my... word knowing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually ascertaining an algorithm to allow beings better boasting and } besting of their brethren in cant can cause casual conundrum crackers } costly cerebral calamities. Delighting in delectable diction does } wonders. Dictionaries, though dull, I daren't debar. Excluding } elaborate eloquence in expression would flaunt fretful forgetfulness } of my forefather's findings. Fighting to find friends who flee from } flatulence could greatly grow your gray matter. Have heed to hold off } haughty head horseplay, as I identify increased jeopardy of jealousy } justly jumping among unknowing knaves with knives. Knightly morality } might be missed if no one notices neglect of never organizing } oratorical ostentatiousness. While petty petitions to please plug } pompous pie-holes quit queuing up, quite a few quick readers write to } ream reliable resources of rankling. So in short, stop stepping with } saps who speak in sorry syllables, as that sums to a short-change of } your speech. Tenaciously tell torrid tales of tyrannical upset and } unusual undertakings by very vindictive virile vixens of worriful woe } winging it with wonton wealth. Were these winning words to wangle your } want? Don't wage war if this X doesn't mark the spot. Go out and smell } the xanthein in the xyst, avoiding xanthein, and striving for good } xenodochy. Yea, your yearning for verbal yardage should yaw in the } years, but now you enjoy the yedding in your youth as of yesteryear. } Remember that zoetic zeal zaps zest to the zenith. } } Or, at the very least, you could have a chat with Og to make you feel } better about yourself. } } You owe the Oracle handwritten copies of an unabridged dictionary and } thesaurus. In crayon. --- 1378-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not > understand this format, some or all of this message may not be > legible. > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5057C.20CAC390 > Content-Type: text/plain > > With my quantum sword and its uncertainty principle, I am sure to > slice you at least once! > En garde, monsieur Oracle! > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5057C.20CAC390 > Content-Type: text/html > > > > > > > ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5057C.20CAC390-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh great, it's the attack of the Kamikaze MIMEs. } } My name is Inigo Oraculaya. } You violated my posting etiquette. } Prepare to die. } } ) This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not } ) understand this format, some or all of this message may not be } ) legible. } } --------------- *slice!* ---------------- } } ) ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5057C.20CAC390 } ) Content-Type: text/plain } ) } ) With my quantum sword and its uncertainty principle, I am sure to } ) slice you at least once! } ) En garde, monsieur Oracle! } } --------------- *slash!* ---------------- } } ) ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5057C.20CAC390 } ) Content-Type: text/html } ) } ) } ) } ) } ) } ) } } -------------- *KERching!* -------------- } } ) ------_=_NextPart_001_01C5057C.20CAC390 } } With my *ZOT* sword, I am sure to slice you at least three times. } } That's the problem with sword fights with Kamikaze MIMEs, they have } these neat perforations telling you just where to slice them to break } them apart. No challenge at all. } } And the MS Exchange Server variety even break in places they're not } supposed to, leaving unintentional null questions. } } You owe the Oracle a mimed sword fight with yourself as the opponent, } conducted in your place of work, in your underwear. And the names and } zot sensitivity factors of all your systems staff. --- 1378-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I fashion a time machine so I can use it to go back in time and > prevent myself from ever building a time machine? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Step By Step Procedure to Time Machine Design: } } Step 1: Wait under your cot with a baseball bat for your future } counterpart to come along. } Step 2: Knock him unconcious with the baseball bat (Use a baseball bat } only ... Anything else might seriously injure your future self!) } Step 3: Steal the Time Machine your future self made. } Step 4: Now go back into the past to stop your past self who's looking } for a time machine and is hiding below the cot! } } Just follow the above steps to precision, u should time travelling in a } few days! } You owe the Oracle an asprin ... (suffering from severe headaches after } that technology blitz!) --- 1378-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: tony@thehappythrix.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ?OBKR > UOXOGHULBSOLIFBBWFLRVQQPRNGKSSO > TWTQSJQSSEKZZWATJKLUDIAWINFBNYP > VTTMZFPKWGDKZXTJCDIGKUHUAUEKCAR And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, you idiot! You take your pants off FIRST! } } And just because you're too embarrassed to ask in plain words doesn't } mean I'll be courteous enough to encrypt my response for you so the } priests can't read it. } } You owe the Oracle a less disturbing question. --- 1378-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: tony@thehappythrix.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I don't wanna! You can't make me! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I know you're upset about it, Colin, but Condoleeza has already been } sworn in, you've got to move out of this office! } } Oh, and your cpowell@state.gov e.mail account will be shut off in 60 } days, so you might want to get some new business cards printed, too. } } You take care, now, y'hear? If you're ever in Crawford, stop by for a } Coke.