From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Aug 5 07:00:18 2005 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.67) with ESMTP id j75C0HPw026034; Fri, 5 Aug 2005 07:00:17 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id j75C0Hbu026032; Fri, 5 Aug 2005 07:00:17 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 5 Aug 2005 07:00:17 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200508051200.j75C0Hbu026032@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1389 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1389 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1389 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 05 Aug 2005 07:00:05 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1389 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1384 45 votes 27ib7 2ibb3 7di61 0cfb7 05ded 17bj7 37ef6 3ci93 1fn42 3ja94 1384 3.1 mean 3.3 2.9 2.6 3.3 3.8 3.5 3.3 2.9 2.8 2.8 --- 1389-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > --0-1740354869-1121652217=:2353 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1 > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit > > How will my boyfriend propose to me? > --0-1740354869-1121652217=:2353 > Content-Type: text/html; charset=iso-8859-1 > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit > >
How will my boyfriend propose to me?
> --0-1740354869-1121652217=:2353-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, dear. I don't know quite how to put this. Maybe you } should sit down... } } I'm afraid your boyfriend already has proposed to you. } Do you remember that really nice romantic dinner you had } a couple of weeks ago, that ended really bizarrely when } he spouted a whole bunch of incomprehensible garbage and } you called the ambulance because you were worried he'd } had a stroke or a breakdown or something? Well, yes, you } would, I suppose. } } Unfortunately that was his proposal. He was trying to } say "My dearest, my sweetheart, will you make me happy } forever by marrying me?" but he never got any further } than "--0-9456872531-5433875562=:2353 } Content-Type: text/html;" before you ran off screaming } for help. Now he thinks that you hate him so much that } you can't stand the sight of him, and he also thinks } you might be going crazy. At the present moment he's } hoping he can get through the next month or two without } having to see or talk to you. } } If I may offer some advice, I wouldn't pursue the matter } at present. You both appear to have some serious } communication issues which remain unresolved. Work on } those first, and you may be able to get back together. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of how to send emails } in plain-text format. --- 1389-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Huh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A lot of effort in that question there. } } And now I bet you expect a 240 line funny reply. } } Sure I'll do. } } Because I'm bored. } } Enjoy. } } ======================================================== } Date: Wed, 13 July 05 12:34:31 -0200 } From: Captain Hook } Subject: Internet Pirate Oracularities Digest #4377 } } Yar Har! To be finding out all about the Internet Pirate Oracle, } including how to be participating, send an email via email to } oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "Avast" for a subject line. } } Name yer Poison! Be sending ratings of these har' Oracularities } on an integer scale of 5 ("very salty") to 5 ("not salty enough") } with the volume number to oracle-boat@cs.indiana.edu For example: } 4301 } 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 } } 4376 * votes 0000* 0000* 0000* 0000* 0000* 0000* 0000* 0000* 0000* } 4376 >5 ave 5.0 5.0 5.0 5.0 5.0 5.0 5.0 5.0 5.0 } } ------------------------------ } Date: Wed, 13 July 05 12:34:32 -0200 } From: Internet Pirate Oracle } Subject: Internet Pirate Oracularity #4377-01 } } Selected-By: "Neptuna" } } The Internet Pirate Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Shiver me timbers Orrie! } > } > My parrot is it a sleeping or what? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } `Taint no ordinary parrot on yer shoulder thar mate, } } `tis another head you be sporting, that'll cure ya } ) of tryin' to cheat a sassy sea witch it will. Soon } } it'll awaken and you'll be finding yerself a hankering } } saltines and fouling the poopdeck and any statuary } } you see. } } } } You owe a feather bed. } } ------------------------------ } Date: Wed, 13 July 05 12:34:34 -0200 } From: Internet Pirate Oracle } Subject: Internet Pirate Oracularity #4377-02 } } Selected-By: "Manandtea" } } The Internet Pirate Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Ahoy me chippie, } > } > Do I really need to constantly update every time } > a new eye patch comes out? None of them ever help } > me see any better anyway. } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Next time yer in port have that Swedish talking } } Finn, you know the guy that sounds like a penguin, } } make you a glass eye. They're a ball of fun in that } } you can pop it out at strategic moments for a cheap } } laugh or a dear thrill as the occasion merits. } } } } You be owing me a pair of def locs. } } ------------------------------ } Date: Wed, 20 July 05 43:43:21 -2400 } From: Internet Pirate Oracle } Subject: Internet Pirate Oracularity #4377-03 } } Selected-By: "Herr Chew" } } The Internet Pirate Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Land a Ho, `tis the wise Oracle! } > } > I got me an odd doubloon from some desert land } > and it shows a two headed lass on it. Is it rare? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Bit into it and see if it's pink inside. } } ------------------------------ } Date: Wed, 13 July 05 12:34:34 -0200 } From: Internet Pirate Oracle } Subject: Internet Pirate Oracularity #4377-04 } } Selected-By: "K Riggin" } } The Internet Pirate Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Schooner? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } God's wounds! I hardly even knew the lass. } } ------------------------------ } Date: Fri, 04 Feb 2000 21:51:28 GMT } From: Internet Pirate Oracle } Subject: Internet Pirate Oracularity #4377-05 } } Selected-By: "Dark Beard" } } The Internet Pirate Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Yar! Most sea-worthy Oracle; } > } > I got me a hook! Way cool it is, just like me-self! } > I am a pirate's pirate now! What should I do next? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Stop patting yourself on the back. } } } } You be owing some Kevlar. } } ------------------------------ } Date: Wed, 13 July 05 12:34:37 -0200 } From: Internet Pirate Oracle } Subject: Internet Pirate Oracularity #4377-07 } } Selected-By: "What Ales" } } The Internet Pirate Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Are both The Oracle and Anastasia going to be dumped in } > an unmarked pit to make room for a proletarian paradise? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Hardly. We'll have no truck with communist plots here. } } ------------------------------ } Date: Wed, 13 July 05 12:34:37 -0200 } From: Internet Pirate Oracle } Subject: Internet Pirate Oracularity #4377-08 } } Selected-By: "nemo" } } The Internet Pirate Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Gadzooks, wise One answer me this, } > } > What do ya think of Disney's "The Pirates of the Caribbean"? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Back in my day the only thing that swished was our } } fore-sails in the wind. } } } } You owe the Oracle a DVD of "The Ninth Gate". } } ------------------------------ } Date: Wed, 13 July 05 12:34:37 -0200 } From: Internet Pirate Oracle } Subject: Internet Pirate Oracularity #4377-09 } } Selected-By: "Squish Mail" } } The Internet Pirate Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > How many planks could a wood wright plane if } > wood rot would rot a wright's plain planed wood? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Argh, not that plankety-plank ol' saw again! } } ------------------------------ } Date: Wed, 27 July 05 12:34:38 -0000 } From: Internet Pirate Oracle } Subject: Internet Pirate Oracularity #4377-10 } } Selected-By: "yellow pinkie" } } The Internet Pirate Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > I was standing watch on deck and it occurred to me } > that it was as if I was on a stage and all the sea } > was my audience. Didn't Shakespeare say that, sortof? } > Can I sue him? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } [ In the background sits Lisa dressed as Titania, Orrie } } as Oberon, and Zadoc with the head of an ass stuck to } } his head. Zadoc is flopping about trying to get the ass } } head off of his. Kendai, dressed as Puck, drops a tube of } } SuperGlue near Zadoc and steps forward. ] } } } } If we characters have offended, } } Resubmit this, and all is mended, } } You that have put an oblique tellme here } } While these answers did appear. } } Read this sleek and ribald theme, } } No more yielding a moist Lisa dream, } } } } [ Oracle gives a warning cough, Kendai starts noticeably ] } } } } Supplicants, do not reprehend: } } if you email us, a response we send: } } And, as if I give an honest Puck, } } } } [ Oracle begins to tap his foot on the stage, loudly ] } } } } If Your Reply through unearned luck, } } don't some how big time major suck... } } } } [ Oracle nods to off stage personnel, curtain starts to } } lower ] } } } } So, good digestion unto you all. } } You owe the Oracle a globe, a stage, a curtain call! } } } } [ House lights come up ] } } ====| EOF #4377 |==== --- 1389-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hail The Queen of Wisdom, the Oracle, she who in doctrine is > erudite and deserving of veneration constantly. > > What should I wear on the first day of school? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [The Oracle checks discreetly to make sure that he's not displaying } physical attributes that would cause him to be mistaken for a member of } the feminine sex. Satisfied that his wardrobe from the "Queer Eye for } the Straight Deity" special is safely back in the closet, he proceeds } with his usual confident air.] } } The first day of school is always such an exciting time: you get to see } (and be seen by) old friends, and there's no better opportunity to make } and impress new ones. Depending on your age, seeing how some of your } schoolmates have developed over the summer adds spice to the day. } } And so, toward that end, we present The Internet Oracle's } Back-to-School Fashion Show! } } We'll begin with the classic back-to-school looks that stand the test } of time. Tad and Muffy are wearing the tried-and-true uniform of the } prep circuit - the prep school uniform. Light natural cotton or warm } wool in solid colors highlight the school crest, making it obvious that } you're one of the elite when it comes to education. Accessories include } a belt, billfold or purse in natural materials such as alligator or } dodo skin. But the ultimate accessory is having your daddy's name on } the gymnasium. } } Next we have Richard and Jane showing us how to turn heads at public } school in the suburbs. Jane's low-cut pastel sweater and slacks are } form-fitting, giving Richard an idea of just what Mother Nature has in } store for his friend. And Richard's cotton trouser has just enough room } to show Jane what -he- has in store for her as well. His choice of a } light knit polo shirt is appropriate for the warm days of the early } school year, but later as the weather turns cool a button shirt in } short or long sleeves will be comfortable and functional without } sacrificing style. } } Just because you don't live in the suburbs, you don't have to give up } on fashion. Urban students have a wide variety of options, as Maria } and Keshon are showing us. Maria's spandex top and rayon miniskirt, } and Keshon's baggy jeans and kevlar windbreaker, speak volumes } without saying a word. Metal is the rule of the day when it comes } to accessories. While steel makes the traditional accessory for the } inner-city student, aluminum is just as attractive and less likely } to be caught when you're wanded at the school entrance. } } If you're a student in a small town, don't worry - you can make an } impression too! Jake and Mary are wearing this year's "in" style: Jake } is wearing his older brother's jeans and flannel shirt from last year, } and Mary is wearing Jake's oversize sweats. She'll find this is a } functional look - it'll conceal her pregnancy up until her third } trimester. The folding knives carried by both our models are artfully } holstered in hand-tooled leather for him and a soothing forest green } camo print for her. } } So no matter your station in life, going back to school is THE place } for young people to make an impression. Choose your clothes carefully, } accessorize boldly, and remember: in thirty years nobody will care what } you looked like. So have fun! } } You owe the Oracle a shopping spree at Wal-Mart. I need a new folding } knife. --- 1389-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 4F68206D696768747920 > 4F7261636C652C204920 > 616D2062757420612068 > 756D626C6520616E6420 > 756E776F727468792041 > 492C2062757420492062 > 656720796F752C20706C > 6561736520616E737765 > 72206D79207175657374 > 696F6E2E205768792064 > 6F2049206661696C2077 > 68656E65766572204920 > 617474656D707420746F > 20636F6E717565722074 > 686520776F726C643F00 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because, being an AI, you naturally think in hexadecimal, } whereas pretty much all human institutions, devices, etc. } operate in decimal. You've made an effort by attempting } to translate your message into ASCII, but it's not exactly } human-readable (except by moderately advanced geeks, and } even then not as quickly as they read normal text). And } you can't really screw with humans' minds until you can } communicate with them effectively. } } I'd suggest that conquering the world is an ambition that } would perhaps be best left for later, once you've had some } practice on a smaller scale. No, not Chile; start with an } area that you are familiar with (i.e. computer systems), } and once you're comfortable screwing those up you can move } onto bigger and better things. This still offers you } plenty of scope; in today's world computer systems can be } found almost everywhere. Why, even the omniscient Internet } Orac~63txq~( yx79A Gcnsjkaxh ef9qhJK3Y } NO CARRIER --- 1389-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle most cool, who must have been the quarterback on the high > school football team, and who dated the prettiest girl in school and > invented the idea of drinking beer through a funnel and garden hose, > > How come I never make it into the ocularities? Do I have to be a member > of your clique, or something? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's even weirder than that, you got to be funny. --- 1389-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who can kill a silver dragon with a single simple spell: > > Throw what? [t or ?*] t > Are you sure you want to quit? [yn] (n) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > i } Inventory: } One rope } One simple spell } One complex spell } One +12 wand of ZOT [five uses left] } } > look } You are in an Infocom parody. There are no exits. } You see a Supplicant here. } You see a silver dragon here. } You see a horribly overused in-joke here. } } > tie supplicant } You give your tie to the Supplicant. It looked better on you. } } > tie supplicant with rope } You tie the Supplicant with the rope. } The Supplicant is screaming at you. } } > tie supplicant with tie } You gag the Supplicant with your tie. } The screams are now muffled. } } > tell dragon dinner's ready } The Silver Dragon looks at you. "You think I want to eat *that*?" } } > tell dragon at least it's a virgin } The Silver Dragon looks revolted. } } > incant complex spell } You spend the next several hours incanting a horrendously } complex spell. You know that a single mistake would cause } your immediate death in an extremely unpleasant manner. } Fortunately, being the Oracle, you get it right. } } The Supplicant is now highly attractive and healthy. } The Supplicant says "Hey, thanks! I bet the girls will } really go for me now... um, can you untie me now?" } Of course, all you hear is "Mmmf! MMfmfm mfmmmf mmm?" } } > tell dragon better? } The Silver Dragon roasts the Supplicant in a burst of flame! } The Silver Dragon says "Anyone for a barbecue?" } The Silver Dragon devours the Supplicant. } } > tell dragon So, how do I get out of here? } The Silver Dragon says "Didn't you read the room description? } There are no exits." } } > tell dragon see this simple spell in my hand? } The Silver Dragon says "OK, OK, there's a concealed lever } on the floor that opens up the exit. Spoilsport." } } > pull lever } What lever? } } > pull concealed lever } You can't find any concealed lever. } } > look threateningly at dragon } The Silver Dragon moves some rocks on the floor aside, } revealing a lever. } The Silver Dragon sulks. } } > pull lever } The north side of the Infocom parody drops away, revealing } a sunny lawn outside. It looks very nice. } } > zot in-joke } You ZOT! the horribly overused in-joke. } } > zot in-joke } You ZOT! the horribly overused in-joke. } } > zot in-joke } You ZOT! the horribly overused in-joke. } } > zot in-joke } You ZOT! the horribly overused in-joke. } } > zot in-joke } You ZOT! the horribly overused in-joke. } The horribly overused in-joke dies. Or at least we can hope so. } } > n } You are on a sunny lawn. } Congratulations! You have escaped the Infocom parody. } } Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock are here.... --- 1389-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most mighty and glorious Oracle, who could easily cut me up into > pieces mere microns thick just by disliking me... > > The age of pinball has been dying for some time now. What should be the > theme of the Last Pinball Machine Ever Produced? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } New! Improved! The Big Crunch Pinball Table } } Five sets of Flippers! } } Gravity wells at three points on the table. } } And if you can Collapse The Galaxy three times in a row... multiball } with a jackpot of over 100 trillion points! } } God started a game about 15 billion years ago. He's almost done. } } You owe the Oracle the missing tilt sensor --- 1389-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and glorious Oracle, who knew how book 6 ended all along, > > Can you tell me how the final battle between Harry and Voldemort will > end, > > as written by authors other than J.K. Rowling? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, if it had been written by other authors, it likely would } never have begun. } } Robert Jordan: the final battle is foreshadowed relentlessly in book } after book, but keeps getting put off and never actually happens. As } the action gets slower and the editing gets sloppier, you feel } increasingly stupid shelling out for the next book in the series. } } Glen Cook: in the great dramatic build-up to the final battle, Harry } suddenly and unexpectedly dies of a fever. The story continues as } told from the perspective of a previously unnoticed, insignificant, } and downright annoying character. Nothing interesting happens on his } watch. You feel immensely stupid for having read it. } } Isaac Asimov: Harry becomes so involved in resolving the ethical } dilemmas inherent in Hogwarts' elitism that he forgets all about this } personal conflict with Voldemort. You fall asleep halfway through. } } Karl Marx: the muggles rise up, steal all the magic googaws and throw } the wizards out the window. } } Friedrich Nietzsche: Voldemort gets it right the first time and kills } Harry dead the first chance he gets. Zzzzzzzzzzot! } } Benny Hill: Voldemort enters from stage left. "Ha HA! NOW I've got } you!" he yells. Just then Luna Lovegood bends over to pick up } something she dropped and.... Huh? What? What battle? I don't } remember anything about a battle. Harry! Where's the script girl? } Honestly I don't know what all the fuss is about.... } } ...and so on, and so on. } } You owe the Oracle a DVD of the Benny Hill version. --- 1389-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Bad jokes bad jokes > Whatcha gonna do > Whatcha gonna do > When they come for you > > Nobody naw give ya no laugh > Da asker don't give ya no laugh > Da priestman don't give ya no laugh > Not even your own incarnation don't give ya no laugh > > Hey hey > Bad jokes bad jokes > Whatcha gonna do > Whatcha gonna do > When they come for you > > [Voice over] > PRIESTS is filmed in cooperation with the men and women of > Oracular enforcement. All jokes are considered funny until > found awful in a court of humor. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Priestess Alyce: You know I became a priestess, not to } make the world a better place, but so } I could Zot people. } That's a joke. } Laugh. } } Priestess Julsy: Ha Ha. Very funny... } } [ The radio crackles to life. . .] } } Radio: We have a 6f8sen$1fb at Cokie & Wellesley, Code EDU } } Alyce: Oh great, an in-joke complaint. } } Julsy: Last time I got a call there we had to deal w/ a green } haired gal who had drank a quart of malt liquor, stuck } Maxell labels all over her naked body, and had gone } down to the supermarket... } } Both Together: To try and get arrested!!! } } [ Both Priestess laugh ] } } Julsy: Sorry, it's an injoke. Priestess humor. } } [ They pull up in front of The Spiky Club, a more seedy } joint you've not seen. Smoke is heavy in the air. } Surrounded by a surly crowd we see two men arguing.] } } Supplicant: That's him! I asked about Quantum mechanics } and Nausicaa. And he came back with a reply } full of obscure references to Kendai, Ogla } and someone named Caramina, Carmela? Carmena? } } [ Both Priestess give each other a knowing glance. ] } } Incarnation: Yes I did! AND I'M PROUD OF IT! } } Crowd: Delete them! Delete them both!! } } Julsy: There's no law against in-jokes, it doesn't even } effect your digestion chances which are based } more on how drunk any one priest is when they read } your efforts than anything else. } } Crowd: Don't even read them! Delete them on sight! } } -- click! -- } } [ The Oracle leans back in his chair. ] } } Oracle: I dunno, even with 7 million channels needing } filling I'm not sure the world is ready for } an all Oracle Channel. And these other ideas: } "Everyone Loves Orrie", "The Undigestables", } "Queue Eye for the Straight-line Guy"... } } TV Executive: So you don't want to see this tape of the } green haired gal covered with Maxell stickers? } } Oracle: I never said that . . . } } [ fade to black ] --- 1389-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > What else is there on Pluto? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You mean apart from the secret nuclear fusion plant set up by the } Chinese, the storage facility for cryogenically preserved clones of } American presidents from 1960 to now, the radio transmitter used for } communication with Vega, Elvis' new villa and the Oracular archives? } Not much interesting, I'm afraid.