From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Oct 4 07:56:04 2005 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.69) with ESMTP id j94Cu3Ia009072; Tue, 4 Oct 2005 07:56:03 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id j94Cu3pv009070; Tue, 4 Oct 2005 07:56:03 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 4 Oct 2005 07:56:03 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200510041256.j94Cu3pv009070@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1393 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1393 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1393 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 04 Oct 2005 07:55:52 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1393 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1388 34 votes 67687 08ba5 12fb5 3676c 115de 45f73 57b65 04ea6 37b85 34i81 1388 3.3 mean 3.1 3.4 3.5 3.5 4.1 3.0 3.0 3.5 3.1 3.0 --- 1393-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: T. Gies The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You are a most spendiferous Oracle. You have frilly cuffs on your > sleeves (surely a mark of erudition) and your hair is done up in > spotted yellow and puce ribbons with silly fishhooks hanging fron the > larger loops, making you look even more omniscient than you have any > right to imagine. How much longer can I keep up this blather before I > self-destruct? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You would be surprised at the lengths to which humans can blather-on } for without self destructing. This is because your built-in } "expire-me-now" chip is directly linked to your own unconscious. } It's quite simple, and quite ingenious. } } The chip is actually a force-feedback negative feedback circuit. } If you feel like you deserve to self-destruct, you actually will. } If you don't feel like you need to stop, it will let you go on for as } long as your brain lets you. The period to which your brain will let } you let talk for is normally reffered to as "blather-stop", and can } be measured in milliseconds. } } Normally this chip also has another prevantative circuit to stop } the self-destruct mechanism from kicking in. This is typically } called "embarassment". This can be observed when you are blathering } on to some woman after 6 beers. Normally you realise that you are } crapping on about a topic that is about as interesting as the queens } underpants, and you go bright red, shut up, and don't explode. } It's quite interesting to watch. The correlation between age and --- 1393-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ------=_Part_3100_25120820.1126276824521 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > Content-Disposition: inline > > Oh wise Internet Oracle, whose mind knows no limits... > Why are some supplicants so irritating as to make repeated demands > for=20 answers to questions they have not asked and fill the queue > with such=20 pettiness? > > ------=_Part_3100_25120820.1126276824521 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Yo! Priests! It's another one of those MIMES! } Prepare the Scorpion pit!" } } > ------=_Part_3100_25120820.1126276824521 } } Thank goodness, I was afraid it was part 1. } } > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 } } Who you calling plain? } } > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable } } That's right, The Internet Oracle is always Quotable (I'm not so sure } about the printable part...) } } > Content-Disposition: inline } } Inline, online and outta line! } } > Oh wise Internet Oracle, whose mind knows no limits... } } Wait, that's not true, The Oracle knows The Outer Limits, the Central } Limit Theorem, (but I sometimes ignore the speed limits...) } } > Why are some supplicants so irritating as to make repeated demands } } 'nuff said. } } > for=20 answers to questions they have not asked and fill the queue } } You want *20* answers??????? } } > with such=20 pettiness? } } Yes, pettiness times 20, how appropriate. } } Oh, by the way, you're repeating yourself. History repeats itself. } You're history. } } Zot! } } You owe the Oracle a 2000 word essay on plain text encoding. --- 1393-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A thought experiment, for your consideration: > > Imagine, if you will, a small room, with a door, a chair, a table, > and, on the table, a closed box. In the chair is sitting a priest > of the Internet Oracle; in the box we have placed a live specimen > of Marmota monax, and several pieces of wood. > > What would the result be if we were to open the box? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } --- #7 in the Oracle Myth Series ---- } } {{ Spamdora's inBox }} } } Long, long ago when lemurs still roamed free and before } commoners themselves had broadband there lived a cute, } though oddly coiffured priestess known as Carmina. This } story isn't really not about her, it's about Spamdora. } Spamdora had a lowly student account, free it was, & slow } as a summer's queue, but as we said free. She had but one } restriction on it, "Do Not Open any Attachments". This } vexed Spamdora, what was in those attachments? She asked } root. He ignored her. So she asked some random geek, and } he got all flustered as he'd never spoke to a RL female } before. And this is what he said, "Attachments can contain, } oh heck, I surrender! Marry me, please!". So Spamdora asked } Carmina. Carmina said, "Look, if you had a box that contained } all the world's woes & you were told not to open it, but you } did then you'd release those woes. And everyone would hate } you. Don't do it." And Spamdora thought and thought and asked, } "But after I released the woes and I looked in the box would } I not find there Hope?" And Carmina corrected Spamdora and } said, "No, all you'd find in the box is woe poop left there } by the woe while it was trapped in the box." And Spamdora } was enlightened. But someone else opened the box anyway and } that's why there's evil spam & woeful crap in your email box. } } >> the end >> } } You owe the Oracle the anvil of Hephaestus. --- 1393-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wisest of Oracles, > > Why is English so confusionful? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because peoples don't taking the timers to making theirselves } intelligentible. } } You owing the Oracle a grammatical-checkering that's work. --- 1393-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Grand and Wise Internet Oracle, who I am not fit to grovel in front > of... > > Suppose for a moment that I put a cat into a closed steel container > with a radioactive material and a vial of hydrocyanic acid, and if a > single atom of the radioactive material decays, the vial will break, > killing the cat. > > When would the ASPCA break down my door and accuse me of cruelty to > animals? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So long as you remain really, really, still, and concentrate on the } fact that you're not moving, they'll never be able to find you. --- 1393-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where the red fern grows And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } REFRESHED NEWER GROWTH } FEEDERS GREW THREW HORN } } and most importantly } } NERD REEFER HEWS GROWTH } } OK, that's it. Do your own anagrams from here on out. --- 1393-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most extra credit worthy, I have a problem with my teacher. > On Friday's math quiz she asked how many gills are in a hogshead. > I said zero because hogs don't live in the water and don't have gills. > > She said I'm wrong. I said she needs to stick to teaching math > because she obviously doesn't know squat about biology. She said > I need to stay for detention every afternoon until I can come up with > the correct answer. > > So I come to you for help. How many gills are in a hogshead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Silly Americans. Are you still using that antiquated system? Okay, } let's see. Take the number of drams in a stone, and add the number of } ropes in a league, subtract the number of hours in a fortnight. Take } all that and divide by two, add the number of boards in a cord, } subtract ells in a furlong. Oh, and I think there's an eight in there } somewhere too. You work it out from there. Unless it's an Imperial } hogshead, and then everything's all screwy. } } You owe the Oracle implementation of the metric system. --- 1393-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > > What's the word for 2006? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracularisation. } } As to the import of this word for 2006, well, you'll just } have to wait and see. But I'm looking forward to it! --- 1393-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Excuse me, are you there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Her voice was like an angel's. And I could tell she was a looker just } from the shape of her shadow on the frosted glass of my office door. } That's my name on the door: Orrie Cull. I find the answers to } people's questions. Sometimes what I do isn't pretty, but I do it } well. } } "Yeah, doll, come in." } } She opened the door and came in. Like anyone in my business, I give } her a good once-over. She had a figure that wouldn't quit, just like } my eyes wouldn't quit looking her over. } } "Oh, I'm so glad to find you in, Mr. Cull." } } "I'm glad you found me, too, Miss . . . ?" } } "Cant. Miss Supp Leigh Cant." } } "Well, Miss Cant, what can I do for you?" } } "I've heard a lot about you, Mr. Cull. They say you know all the } answers." } } Then she hesitated and looked around my office. A lot of my clients } have to work up to telling me what they need. I handle some delicate } business and it's not always easy to tell it to a stranger. Some } almost grovel before they work up the courage, but I could tell she } wouldn't be one of those. } } She was distracted by what she saw. I'd acquired some pretty odd } items in my years in this profession. They were scattered around my } office like pepper on a baked potato. They'd even make you sneeze } like pepper if you disturbed them because most were covered in a nice } layer of dust, like newspaper on a sleeping hobo. She suddenly } remembered herself and looked back at me. } } "I have a rather delicate situation. Are we alone?" } } "Yes, Miss Cant, we are. I always work alone. My only partner is } named Smith & Wesson and half the time we're both loaded." } } Some people say I'm too forthright with my clients. I say I just tell } it like it is and how they react is their problem. } } "I see. Well, I have a very . . . special question I need the answer } to." } } She sat on my desk and leaned across. } } "You see, I need to know . . . ." } } "Yes?" } } "How much woodcouldawoodchuckchuckifawoodchuckcouldchuckwood?" } } Bam! She got me. I'd left myself wide open like a door on a tenement } house on a hot summer day. I fell out of my chair on to a floor that } was cold like a morgue. I figured it wouldn't be long now until they'd } cart me off to one. } } She peered over the desk at me to make sure she'd gotten the job done. } There was no question that she had. } } "Sorry, Orrie, it's nothing personal, just a job." } } She turned and started to walk out. I tried to ask her who hired her, } but trying to talk felt like trying to breathe in a sandstorm. Then, } just as she got to the door she stopped. } } "Oh, the rodents of unusual size say 'hi.'" } } Then she walked out. I'd made a lot of enemies over the years, but } most of them knew better than to try anything with me. I should have } known it was that gang that had hired her. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of why they call it "black and } white" when it's really all shades of grey. --- 1393-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > What are my chances of winning a gazillion dollars and never > having to work again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Depends on how you go about doing it. } } Method: Buy a lottery ticket } Chances: 1 in 146,107,962 } } Method: Start with 10 gazillion dollars and invest in Pets.com } Chances: About 2% } } Method: Head to Vegas. 13 Red, baby! } Chances: You might think 1 in 36 or 1 in 37, but you'd be wrong. 13 is } black. } } Method: Goof off at work sending questions to the Oracle } Chances: 0.00000000000003% } } Method: Work for Halliburton during the Iraq reconstruction } Chances: About 98% } } Method: Get a government post and accept "favors" from Halliburton } Chances: Entirely by coincidence, 98% } } Method: Collect aluminum cans for recycling } Chances: 100%, if you can collect 50 cans a day for 0.02 gazillion days } } Method: Help that Nigerian businessman with his SUM OF TEN GAZILLION US } DOLLARS. FOR YOUR KINDNESS WE RESERVE 10% FOR YOU. } Chances: WE HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU. THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS. } } Method: Bet against the Boston Red Sox } Chances: 83 out of 84 } } Method: Ask the Oracle for tomorrow's lottery numbers } Chances: 100%. In fact, here they are. 5, 8, 17, 23, 42. } } Enjoy! Oh, you owe the Oracle one gazillion dollars.