From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Oct 19 14:34:37 2005 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/IUCS_2.69) with ESMTP id j9JJYaTs019155; Wed, 19 Oct 2005 14:34:36 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.12.11/8.12.11/Submit) id j9JJYaQi019153; Wed, 19 Oct 2005 14:34:36 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 19 Oct 2005 14:34:36 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200510191934.j9JJYaQi019153@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1395 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1395 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1395 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 19 Oct 2005 14:34:24 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1395 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1390 36 votes 77d72 06ae6 15fe1 76b66 028ce 3cf60 aaa51 09bc4 459e4 25fa4 1390 3.1 mean 2.7 3.6 3.2 2.9 4.1 2.7 2.4 3.3 3.2 3.2 --- 1395-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Yeah, but the question mark is wrong." } } "Punctuation doesn't count. Chimp #B26aG5x stuck two apostrophes in } 'Who is Sylvia, what is she' last month, and the supervisor allowed } that." } } "Pity the next words she typed were 'fetlock scuba dangly bits'." } } "Have you ever seen Two Gentlemen of Verona? Even old Bill himself } would have agreed it's an improvement. I tell you, we've got a definite } 'How sharper than a serpent's tooth' speech from King Lear coming up! I } can feel it in my bones." } } "It might turn out to be King John. You know, 'How oft the sight of } means to do ill deeds makes ill deeds done'. Or there's that line in } Timon of Athens..." } } "Come on, think positive! We deserve to get one of the big ones this } time!" } } "Okay. Let's see what Chimp #QPEaWDM types next." } } "S..." } } "H..." } } "Yes, yes, yes!" } } "O... W... A..." } } "Showaddywaddy?" } } "Weren't they a cheesy 70s pop band?" } } "I think I want to die..." } } "We're in for the long haul with this experiment, aren't we?" } } "Yeah. Shall we get drunk again?" } } "Yeah." --- 1395-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Oracle doesn't need a belt to show that he is the > only true grand master. > > Several new marital arts schools have opened near my house. > > I was thinking about taking some classes but I don't know > how to tell a good school from a not so good one. Can you > tell me some things to look for to tell a good marital arts > school from a bad one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Marital arts, or the art of successful marriage, crucially depends upon } understanding one's partner. Therefore, may I present: } } *** The Internet Oracle's Complete Guide to Everything Known about } Women *** } } 1. } } So, there you have it. All marital arts schools are frauds. Save your } time and money, it's better spent on tributes. } } You owe the Oracle a left-handed metric crescent wrench. --- 1395-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How's your digestion? Still slow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O aspirations, noble soaring eyes, } That see in countless tellme's glory hid, } And answers with the pride each one doth bid, } Show Me the way! how beautifully one flies, } O'er server lines, for supplicants one tries; } Through digests, crowning work one's own mind did, } E'en slow. Now, Rapture, help Me break that lid: } No more to crawl, oft undigested. Sighs } Of discontent no more permit be heard; } For each Oracularity deserves } Such deep omniscience as the bestofs see. } Let each and every supplicant be served } With Truth that touches ribs and not the nerves. } Thou owest better grovels unto Me. --- 1395-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh please dear, magnificent, omnipotent Oracle! > > Where, oh where, has my little dog gone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Judging by the rust stains, I'd say he went on the Tin Man's shoes. } } You owe the Oracle an evil flying monkey. Preferably one who's castle } broken. --- 1395-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You who knows all of dirty secrets of show biz, all of the secrets > of the cinema, all of the plotlines of literature, all of the lines > of drama, I have a question that perhaps only you can answer. > > If Miss Marple stayed at Fawlty Towers, who would die, how, and at > whose hand? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This sounds like a game of Clue the Oracle once played. } } If memory serves, which it always does, it was Manuel in the Kitchen, } with the Siberian Hamster. --- 1395-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, you are great, wise and a master of the culinary > arts! Is Vegemite supposed to taste like that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, terribly sorry about that. You got a bad batch. } It's supposed to taste a lot worse. --- 1395-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Recently we received your mini application for a Mortgage quote. > I notice that you were looking at obtaining a loan on a property > at ???? STONE HOLLOW AVE LAS VEGAS NV > If you have not yet obtained Financing Please Call us now at > 1-800-355-???? > > If you have received this notice in error please send $1500 > to stop delivery of future notices. Have a nice day? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good morning. My name is Zadoc. I have been requested by the } Internet Oracle to approach you for assistance in a delicate } matter. The Internet Oracle Tribute Department wishes to } transfer $6 trillion ($6,000,000,000,000) worth of tribute } received over the last 16 years out of the Oracular temple. } } However, by virtue of our positions as Oracular temple staff } we are required to disdain all material things, and therefore } are not allowed to own or operate any bank accounts. Your name } was given to me as that of a trustworthy and reliable } individual who would keep all dealings confidential. In } exchange for your services in allowing us to transfer this } money into your account we will give you 10% ($600 billion) } of the tribute. } } If you are willing to proceed with this transaction, please } send us your bank account details and a sample of your company } letterhead by registered mail to: } Tribute Department } Attn: Zadoc } Temple of the Internet Oracle, Indiana --- 1395-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ok, Oracle! I know you're in there! Come out with your hands up! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 01 BEGIN SUPPLICATION_PARSE } 02 GROVEL = "Ok, Oracle!" } 03 PRAISE = "Ok" } 04 MIN_PRAISE = "suck" (0) } 05 MAX_PRAISE = "magnificent" (10) } 06 PRAISE_VALUE("Ok") = 2.8 } 07 FAITH_EXPR = "I know you're in there!" } 08 MIN_FAITH = "The Oracle is a lousy little shell script" (0) } 09 MAX_FAITH = "I base my life on your infallible teachings" (10) } 10 FAITH_VALUE("I know you're in there!") = 6.9 } 11 QUESTION = "Come out with your hands up!" } 12 ERROR: "303: Supplication not in question form" } 13 INFER_Q = "Can you come out with your hands up?" } 14 Q_VALUE("Can you come out with your hands up?") = 1.4 } 15 ANGER = 30 - 2.8 - 6.9 - 1.4 = 18.9 } 16 ANGER < ZOT_LEVEL (20) } 17 ANSWER_EFFORT = ZOT_LEVEL - ANGER (1.1) } } Yes. } } You owe the Oracle a new compiler. --- 1395-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I asked you "Voitch?" and you replied. I asked another > time, and you still replied, but your answer was different. > > Do you change you mind or something? Why can't I get the > same silly answer out of you twice? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There's no pleasing some people. Okay, to reduce the chance of you } submitting this one again, pick any three of the following answers: } } * Unlike my supplicants, I try to have a modicum of originality. } } * It IS the same answer. You must have read it wrong. } } * It was a different question. You must have written it wrong. } } * A different inc^H^H^Hmonkey got the question the second time. } } * The answer to any question is randomly generated, based on time, } temperature, and how much the Oracle's sulking after losing his last } game of NetHack. } } * Answer hazy, try again later. } } * The Oracle takes sadistic glee in confusing his supplicants. } } * It's policy to not repeat answers unless the Oracle is bored or } receives a substantial bribe. } } * Our copyright lawyers are a little too paranoid about me repeating } material. } } * Unlike my supplicants, I try to have a modicum of originality. } } * Dammit, you're lucky to get one silly answer. Kwitchawynin. } } * The true answer to your question is a superposition of quantum states, } and you happen to observe it in two different states. } } * You didn't grovel. *ZOT!* } } You owe the Oracle a photocopier. --- 1395-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Monty Python has never answered the question "what is > the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" So I > am asking you omniscient one... Oh! I'd like to know > the velocity of both the European and African swallow. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have to consider, of course, exactly what the European and } the African are swallowing. The French are the epitome of } Europeanism, so we shall consider them first. What do the } French swallow? Wine, snails, and frogs. The wine they } swallow quickly and frequently, hence the French medical } lament, "Ma fois!" Snails by their very nature are eaten } slowly. Everything about a snail is slow. Last time I ate } a snail, it was so slow it never got into my mouth, thank } goodness. Frogs are fast, and they sort of make up for the } speed of the snails. So two out of three gives the French, } and thus the European swallow, a good rate of speed. We'll } call it five glugs per minute, in the absence of any other } evidence. } } For the African swallow, the question immediately arises, } "Which part of Africa?" The continent is so BIG! But if you } happen to meet an African wandering around central Indiana } (for example) the chances are pretty good that he's from } Senegal. And Senegal used to be a French colony, years ago. } The Senegalese still speak French, and of course follow many } of the quaint customs of the French. So they drink wine and } eat snails and frogs. But good French wine is hard to find } in Africa. (Heck, it's hard to find anywhere, the German } wine being so much better.) So they drink it more slowly. } Assuming the snails and frogs remain constant, that makes } the African swallow about four glugs per minute, for an } educated guess, in the absence of any other evidence. } } You owe the Oracle a dissertation on the Manischewitz } swallow.