From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jan 9 09:21:41 2007 Received: from moose.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/IUCS_2.80) with ESMTP id l09ELfCv001860; Tue, 9 Jan 2007 09:21:41 -0500 (EST) Received: (from daemon@localhost) by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.6/8.13.6/Submit) id l09ELfPG001858; Tue, 9 Jan 2007 09:21:41 -0500 (EST) Date: Tue, 9 Jan 2007 09:21:41 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200701091421.l09ELfPG001858@moose.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1415 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1415 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1415 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 09 Jan 2007 09:21:29 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1415 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1410 41 votes 23add 68ca5 4de73 38e97 11dfb 16l76 5cb94 37f97 109eh 0ebd3 1410 3.3 mean 3.8 3.0 2.8 3.2 3.8 3.3 2.9 3.2 4.1 3.1 --- 1415-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, wise, true. > What have I to say to you? > Do you like Haiku? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A supplicant writing one time } Tried making some haiku with rhyme. } The Oracle said, } "You'd be better off dead, } And your poetry's nothing but slime." --- 1415-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ------ ------ > | | | | > | | | | > | A o| | B o| > | | | | > | | | | > ------ ------ > > Behind one door is a juicy cheeseburger, which you would kill to have. > Behind the other door is a tiger. He is starved and in a bad mood. Don't > chance your luck with a guess. > > Which door? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, if you would kill for the cheeseburger, it doesn't really } matter, does it? What they fail to mention is that the door with the } tiger also has a tranquilizer gun, a knife, a grill, a spatula, } cheese, ketchup, buns and a plate. The only difference between the two } doors is what kind of meat you end up with on your burger. } } You owe the Oracle a tigerburger. --- 1415-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Some there are, Wise Oracle, who want to learn many things. I > too have this goal and am occupied with questions whose answer is > lacking. If I could, with your help, succeed with learning one > thing, I would think very highly of myself. Help me Wise Oracle! > > Why does Santa only hire elves? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Question-bearing mortal- } } At first glance, Santa's decision to only hire elves and not a } diverse selection of Caucasian, black and asian workers would seem to } be in direct conflict with many of today's commonly held ideals of } multi-culturalism. However, this is easily explained when one } realizes the following positive factors about Elves: } } 1. They work for nothing but maple syrup } 2. They are excellent at firing bows and arrows, as well as defending } santa from Orks and Demons } 3. Whenever you need more, you simply feed them after midnight and } pour water on their backs, or something. } 4. They wear pointy hats. How awesome. } 5. They lay golden eggs. } } Thus the Oracle has spoken. --- 1415-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Head transplant?? You're joking, right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No John, I'm not. Having the toilet right off the } formal dining room is tacky. } } Why I let Lisa talk me into remodeling the } Temple even I'll never know!!! --- 1415-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are in a courtyard. Statues of centaurs line the walls. In the } centre, an archway leads to a small enclave. There is a sign next to } the archway. Passageways lead out of the courtyard to the east, west, } and northwest. } } You hear bubbling water. } } > x sign } } The sign reads, "The Oracle is IN." } } > in } } A voice calls, "Hello, supplicant, welcome to Delphi!" } } You are in the Oracle's enclave. The Oracle sits here, surrounded by } four fountains. The Oracle watches you carefully. } } > orrie, hello } } "'Hello'?! Is that what passes for groveling these days?" The Oracle } sighs. "Never mind. You here for a consultation?" } } > yes } } "You want a major or minor one?" } } > major } } "All right. You're supposed to get the Amulet of Yendor, but let's face } it, that's about as likely as Dubai hosting the 2018 Winter Olympics. } You barely remember which end of the sword to poke monsters with. If } you want my advice, you'll bugger off home while you have the chance. } Your lucky number is 11. } } You owe the Oracle 850 zorkmids." } } > give 850 zorkmids to orrie } } "Thanks. Have a nice day. And stop calling me Orrie." } } > dip sword in fountain } } You dip your long sword in one of the fountains. Your sword rusts } somewhat. The Oracle says, "Hey! Those fountains aren't cheap, you } know!" } } > dip sword in fountain } } You dip your long sword in one of the fountains. Your sword rusts some } more. The fountain dries up. The Oracle says, "Oh, sure. Use up all my } fountains. You adventurers are all the same. You waltz in acting like } you own the place, and pick up everything that isn't nailed down." } } > dip sword in fountain } } You dip your long sword in one of the fountains. Your sword rusts some } more. The fountain dries up. The Oracle says, "Look, buddy, you do that } one more time and I'll ZOT you. I don't care if it isn't in the rules." } } > out } } As you leave, the Oracle mutters, "Good riddance." } } You're in the courtyard. } } > w } } You walk through the passageway into another room. There is a staircase } down here, and exits to the east and south. } } There is a food ration here. There is a glass wand here. } } > get all } } Food ration: taken. Glass wand: taken. } } As you pick up the glass wand, the floor suddenly gives way and you } fall through. You are deposited on the next level in a heap. } } "Hello, supplicant, welcome to Asidonhopo's general store!" } } You are in a small store. Various items are dotted about the room. } Asidonhopo stands by the door. } } There is a scroll here. There is a spellbook here. There is a slime } mold here. There is a suspicious-looking chest here. } } > x asidonhopo } } Asidonhopo scowls at you. He holds a forked wand in a vaguely menacing } manner. } } > asidonhopo, hello } } "You going to buy something, or are you just going to stand around all } day and get your grubby hands all over my merchandise?" } } > get scroll } } Scroll: taken. "That'll be 300 zorkmids." } } > out } } "You're not thinking of leaving without paying, are you?" } } > no } } "Good. Because then I would have to hurt you. Hand over the cash." } } > pay asidonhopo } } "Pleasure doing business with you." } } You are in a darkened passageway outside the general store. The } passageway leads to a room to the south. There is a newt here. } } > kill newt } } With a vicious swipe, you dispatch the newt. You feel strangely tough. } } > s } } You are in a dark room. A staircase leads down, and passages lead north } and west. } } > read scroll } } You hear a rumbling noise. Out of nowhere, a boulder appears and lands } on your head. Ouch. } } > d } } In a slight daze, you clamber down the stairs. } } You're in another room. They all look pretty much the same by this } point. Blah, blah, exits northwest, east, southwest, up. } } > nw } } Someone says, "Pilgrim, you enter a sacred place!" } } You are in a temple. A blood-stained altar sits in the middle of the } room. Beside it, a priest slouches surlily. } } > x priest } } The priest is dressed in faded, worn robes that identify him as a } priest of the Church of the Oracle. His demeanour gives the distinct } impression he wants to be somewhere else. Looking closely at his robes, } you can barely make out the word "ZADOC". } } > zadoc, hello } } Zadoc mutters something about the In-Joke Retirement Fund and holds out } a tin cup. } } > give 50 zorkmids to zadoc } } Zadoc says, "Whoop-dee-do. I'm rich. That'll buy me half a potion of } booze." } } > s } } This room features a large pit in the centre. Doorways are to the north } and east. A wood nymph is here. } } > x nymph } } The wood nymph is a paragon of feminine beauty. Long dark hair drapes } over her shoulders. She quietly hums "Hit Me With Your Best Shot". She } advances on you, larceny in her deep brown eyes. } } > nymph, hello } } "Hello, sailor." The wood nymph makes a lunge at your backpack. } } > kill nymph } } The wood nymph easily dodges your clumsy attempts to hit her with your } rusty sword. She says, "Look over there, a three-headed monkey!" As you } turn to look, she grabs a glass wand from your backpack. } } > kill nymph } } The wood nymph skilfully ducks under your swing. She grabs your wrist } and wrenches the sword from your grasp. She gives it a disdainful } glance before concealing it somewhere on her person. } } > kill nymph } } With what? Your bare hands? } } > yes } } The wood nymph effortlessly evades your blow. She zaps a glass wand at } herself and vanishes. } } > e } } You enter a large room. A sink is in the corner. A staircase leads } down. Doorways lead to the west, north, and northeast. } } A cockatrice is here. } } > x cockatrice } } An ugly little thing. A sort of cross between the least appealing } aspects of a chicken and a lizard, but considerably worse. } } > kill cockatrice } } With what? Your bare hands? } } > yes } } As you score a direct hit on the cockatrice, it occurs to you that } attacking it bare-handed was not a very clever thing to do. You make a } very surprised-looking statue. } } You have died. } } Do you want your possessions identified? } } > yes } } Your inventory: } 1729 gold pieces } a +2 leather armor } a +1 elven cloak } 4 food rations } a wand of wishing (0:3) } a blessed magic lamp } a magic marker (0:42) } an uncursed potion of full healing } 3 pieces of worthless green glass } } You scored 11 points out of a possible 1000. This gives you the rank of } Newt. } } Would you like to (R)estart or (Q)uit? } } > q } } You owe... never mind, I'll just send Zadoc over with a pick-axe and } take what I can find. --- 1415-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > P Mighty Oracle, O is unworthy of thee! > > Tell me: what do you make of Hegelian influences on latter dialectical > materialism - specifically of their expression in modern Marxist > theory? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fear not, humble (if rather direct and to-the-point) supplicant; O has } been...dealt with. The price was fairly reasonable, and the mess was } minimal. The cost of the concrete seemed rather inflated, but are you } gonna argue with a set of very burly, very short-fused men with an } interesting and expansive collection of medieval implements of } torture? Come now, my humble and inquisitive little supplicant--even } an Oracle dare go only so far. } } By the way, if you ever need somebody rubbed out, might I recommend } the services of.... Oh. Sorry. Shouldn't give their names. Don't } want to end up like poor O, do I? There'd be no one left alive to } clear up the ungodly mess } } Now then. To your question. I don't make much of either Hegel or } Marx at all, really. Their performance in the football match versus } the Greek team led by Heraclitus in the 1972 Munich Olympics was } abominable. And as for old "Nobby" Hegel, well. Arguing as he did } with the referee, Confucius, that "the reality is merely an a priori } adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics" was a weak attempt to circumvent } the convincing nature of the royal thrashing that the Germans were } handed by the Greek triumvirate of Socrates, Archimedes, and } Heraclitus in the 88th minute of the match. } } Hegel, indeed. Hmph. --- 1415-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You got nuthin' --- 1415-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, when I was 10 years old I was curious about the vagina so I > touched a little girl and felt a slit. Does that make me evil? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, } } You have clearly violated section 3.02, Chapter 63 of The International } Convention of Former Ten Year Olds constitution. As punishment you are } required to submit to the Oracle 10 additional questions of subtantial } merit and good moral conviction. Have them on my desk at 8:00 Monday } morning, with *appropriate and sufficiently humble* grovels. Enjoy. } } -The Internet Oracle --- 1415-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most wonderfully overworked and underpaid Oracle, > > Last night something happened which I did not expected... But it proved > to me one thing, that there is hope. > > What can you tell me about this hope which I have been given? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: Here, let me take a look at that for ya. } } [ The Oracle screws a jeweler's loupe onto his eye, } snatches the hope out of the supplicant's hand & } gives it a long good look. Then tosses it into } the trash. ] } } Supplicant: !!!! } } Oracle: It was just a wish with a glazing of despair. } } Supplicant: ! Despair ! } } Oracle: Yeah, it gives things a tragic glint and when } it's got something gaudy like a wish under it } it magnifies it. Mole hill into a mountain and } all that. Fool's Hope we call it here in the } trade. } } Supplicant: But, it helped me to carry on. } } Oracle: Oh yeah, at first a wish borne out of despair } seems like a vine hanging over the quicksand, } but grasp on to it and it'll snap off in your } hand like the tail of a monkey with leprosy. } } Supplicant: OH.MY.GOD! That's awful. I, I want my hope } back. [ Digs in the trash can ] } } Oracle: Fine. Suit yourself. By the by, you owe the } Oracle an emotional moat. And a well tailored } suit of armor. --- 1415-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "J. Avedon" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There's one thing I never got Orrie, why is it that in really > scientific writings everything is to the negative somethingth power? > > Like they will say kilograms per cubic metre but with a -3 exponent. > > How is this is supposed to help? How the hell can you put meters to the > negative third power? That's like saying this pot holds negative 3 > liters! > They also have the idiosyncrasy of writing the implied one in unpowered > units (which of course comes out as negative) > > Does it like make some equations work or something? > > It gets really excessive when you have a unit with alot of subunits, > like visual photons per second per square centimetre per steradian > > (V) phot^-1/sec^-1/cm^-2/str^-1 > > Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, my dear supplicant, it looks like you're out of luck. Sorry, } but according to a recent study, only 3 out of 22% of scientists } don't use confusing numbers in their so-called "findings". } } I shall now attempt to elaborate on why the system doesn't work. } } To use one of your examples, kilograms per cubic meter is expressed as } } kg * m^-3 } } One thousandth equals 1*10^-3. } } So, one thousandth of a kilogram per cubic meter is } } 1*10^-3 kg*m^-3 } } A slightly different way to write it contains both negative and } positive exponents: } } 1*10^-3 kg/m^(+3) } } Simplifying: } } 1*10^(-3) kg/m^(+3) --> 1*10^ kg/m^ (-3 and +3 cancel } each other out) } } 1*10^kg/m^ is read as "One times ten to the kilogram power, divided } by meters raised to the power of." By deduction we know that this is } equal to kilograms per cubic meter, because that's what we started } with: } } 1*10^kg/m^ = 1*10^-3 kg * m^-3 } } Multiplying both sides by m^, we get: } } 1*10^kg = (1*10^-3 kg)(m^-3)(m^) } } Simplifying: } } 1*10^kg = (1*10^-3 kg)(((m^)^2) - 3m^) } } As you can see, the simplified expression is more complicated than } the original. This is mathematical proof that mathematics and } logic are useless, unless you are dealing with power measured in } kilograms rather than watts, or a dump truck with a capacity of 10^-17 } microkilometers per second squared. I probably didn't need to write } that last sentence because you seem to already understand the concept. } } You owe the Oracle your math books so he can correct them, and some } headache pills.