From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue Jul 28 15:07:43 2009 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.1/8.13.1/IUCS_2.88) with ESMTP id n6SJ7hjw025455; Tue, 28 Jul 2009 15:07:43 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.1/8.13.1/Submit) id n6SJ7hwO025452; Tue, 28 Jul 2009 15:07:43 -0400 Date: Tue, 28 Jul 2009 15:07:43 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <200907281907.n6SJ7hwO025452@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1458 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1458 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1458 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 28 Jul 2009 15:07:31 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1458 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1453 32 votes 42f83 25ca3 23g65 366b6 59c51 18a49 79b32 2bc61 26ba3 28d81 1453 3.0 mean 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.3 2.6 3.4 2.5 2.8 3.2 2.9 --- 1458-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, > When the "economy" finally "improves," will my two degrees still be > as useful as a discarded sponge? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Excuse me? Don't you know that the discarded sponge has become an } entire ecosystem, housing thousands of single-celled organisms and } viruses... virii... viren... } } Anyway, your degrees couldn't be anywhere near as useful. But what } were you thinking? Basket weaving and liberal arts? I mean, really. } You should have listened to your father and become a lawyer, but no. } You were too busy screwing around, drinking with your "buds" and } chasing admittedly fine booty to concentrate on a law degree. You } could even now be making tough faces in your cheesy, annoying } commercial about how you'll get your clients every dollar they have } coming for their on-the-job injuries, but there you sit, digging in the } couch cushions for enough change to get a Whopper(R) with cheese and } stealing cable from the neighbors. } } Still, it could be worse. You could have become an engineer, who, } despite also being entire ecosystems bacteria and v... the like, } generally have no futures and will most likely grow old and bitter in } some one room apartment that they will share with cockroaches the size } of Volkswagens until some government official discovers the conditions } and sends them to a home. } } You owe the Oracle a tube of Ben Gay and a bottle of roach spray. --- 1458-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > IS THIS SPARTAAAAAAA? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Indeed. And blasphemy. And madness. Please throw yourself into } the pit and pretend I kicked you. } } Did you know that pit was built long ago for the specific purpose } of kicking people into it? Tourists would come from all over the } Mediterranean during the [This is Sparta] Festival, stuff themselves } with souvlakia and funnel cake, and line up for the "Authentic Native } Experience" of having Spartans kick them into the pit. Festival } attendance dried up in subsequent years when tourists learned that } no one ever came out of the pit alive. Which was a shame, really, } because the Sparta Gift Shop had some really neat items - hearts of } fallen heroes encased in glass with humorous slogans like "I stole } someone's heart in Sparta!" and "I left my heart in San Fran-Sparta" } and used as paperweights, skulls of dead enemies delightfully painted } and wigged to look like various celebrities, and, of course, those } little spoons that really serve no purpose and you lose them after } a few days, anyway. } } You owe the Oracle some ouzo and baklava. --- 1458-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hope you had a happy farce of July and much Yankee Doodoo. > > Did the Founding Farters convene the Incontinental Congress > to write the Defecation of Independence and the Constipation? > > Is that why the U.S.A. is such a piece of shit? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O most scatological supplicant, what a world this would be if that were } the case. } } On the contrary, though, the situation to which you refer in such } glowing terms is almost entirely the fault of some language influenced } by the activities of one B. Franklin, sometime ambassador to France and } close friend of most of the founding Fathers. } } You see, much like most people who today express their wit on internet } fora or by attempting to ask barely-disguised poop jokes of omniscient } beings, Franklin considered himself to be something of a wit. } } In those days, if you remember your history classes (which I rather } doubt) there was, in fact, no internet, but Franklin did own that } century's equivalent of a PC--a printing press. } } Filling pages of "Poor Richard's Almanack" with poorly-spelled words } (pick up a copy that's not been revised since then--he puts the letter } 'f' everywhere that it doesn't belong and few places it does, for } instance), he managed to gain a following due to force of personality } and the occasional poop joke. } } In fact, so well-known was his publishing endeavour that the French } Academy of Science attempted to get a personal reply from him--to which } he replied with one of the longest poop jokes on record, a novelette } graced by the tittilationous title of "Fart Proudly." } } Though you will not find it called out explicitly in most history } texts, this monograph was responsible for influencing the thought of } most of the English-speaking world for many years thereafter; this } scatological scripture thence entered the collective consciousness of a } newly forming nation, and imprinted upon it this quality to which you } so ungraciously refer in your enquiry. } } Hence, O supplicant, the reason the USA is such a piece of shit is due } to your channeling of Franklin's farting. } } You owe it to the Oracle to regularly take Beano and to stop } complaining about problems to which you are contributing. --- 1458-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help! I just came down with a case of obstreperosis. What is the cure, > or at least a better disease? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A thorough zotting has never yet failed to cure obstreperosis, but the } side effects (e.g. reduction to ash) are unpleasant. A solid whack on } the side of the head can mitigate the symptoms for hours at a time; } I'd try that first. } } Related diseases, though not necessarily better: } - Diatrebes (commonly comorbid with obstreporosis, and marked by rants) } - Malignant pleonasms (AKA redundanitis) } - Oldtimer's disease (marked by frequent "When I was your age" rants) } - Newmania (AKA Early Adopter's Syndrome) } } Of these, Newmania is the least harmful - to anything other than your } wallet, that is. } } You owe the Oracle that shiny gadget that just hit the shelves. --- 1458-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Most Sincere Oracle, Master of Phrases and Prince of Phraseology, > > I was considering learning Sanskrit. I hear that bitches love > Sanskrit. How would you recommend I go about this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, Lady! Come here! } } (Woof!) } } Good girl, now look at this Sanskrit script for a second... } } (No response) } } OK, how about a dried pig's ear instead? } } (*Snap* *Crunch*) } } Now, how about a walk? } } (Woof! Woof! Woof!) } } There's your answer. Forget about Sanskrit. Treats and walks are } far more effective. } } You owe the Oracle a dog that's actually trained to do something. --- 1458-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I thought Obama was a Muslim. Why hasn't he forced Hilary to > wear a Burqa yet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are good people and bad people, and within that spectrum there } are Good Muslims and Bad Muslims. } } Obama is not a Good Muslim. --- 1458-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise! > > Why do whales swim down so deep? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They avoid the surface because their Holy Book warns them of } the Esquimaux practices there: ie that they would be hunted } and their blubber chewed until it was soft enough for the } Esquimaux children to digest (cf Moby 8:12 'there shall be } whaling and gnashing of teeth'). } } You owe the Oracle a film in which Gregory Peck harpoons a hairy } prophet. --- 1458-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are we there yet? Are we there yet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } YES, OKAY, I GET IT, JOSHU. If we were "there," it wouldn't be "there" } anymore, it'd be "here," and so asking "Are we there yet?" is } meaningless. I GET IT. } } Now be quiet. And stop putting your "one hand clapping" on Roshi's side } of the car, or so help me, I will reincarnate you BOTH as ants. } } You owe the Oracle a vacation to Nirvana. WITHOUT the kids. --- 1458-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are the Darwinist monkey brains so anxious to include intelligent > design? Christian biologists will still be able to utilize the *fact* > of microevolution to fight viruses, breed better cattle, etc. They > don't have to believe in an unverifiable fairy tale about lightning > going through primordial goop in order to achieve practical results, so > why try to force people to believe it when there will be no practical > consequences in doing so? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Firstly, you meant "exclude." } } Secondly, the term "microevolution" is a misnomer. The mechanisms of } evolution are not confined by any sort of time period or limitation on } the amount of change produced, and if you accept "microevolution," you } MUST accept "macroevolution" as well. There's no rational } differentiation to be made between the process by which antibiotic } resistance is bred into viruses and the process by which humans } evolved from primate ancestors. The only conceivable argument anyone } can make against the idea of "macroevolution" is that evolution itself } hasn't been going on very long (e.g. the Earth was poofed into } existence 6000 some-odd years ago), and that the slow changes we see } where living things are adapting to their surroundings isn't actually } responsible for the types of life that we currently see. Even with this } convoluted reasoning in place, it's still impossible to refute that } these creatures will eventually evolve into different creatures through } that mechanism. } } The difference between the "fairy tale" of an omnipotent creator and } the "fairy tale" of lightning soup, even though neither is 100% } verifiable (except of course by yours truly, but nobody ever listens to } ME), is that one is naturalistic and one is supernatural. Science } thrives on the conception of naturalism, and abhors any supernatural } shenanigans, because that's the only way it can work. If it did not, we } might still believe that the planets orbited around the Sun because } angels pushed them in their celestial orbits; the supernatural is } designed to fill the space left by what humans do not know, and in } occupying this space, has a tendency to stagnate inquiries into other } ways that the universe might work. (The church did not take kindly to } the thought of a heliocentric universe, for instance.) If we simply } throw up our hands and say "A WIZARD DID IT!", we're stifling } potential exploration of other naturalistic causes for phenomena that } may actually turn out to be correct. } } The point of education is not to "force belief," it is to provide the } most meaningful tools to understand and work with one's surroundings. } Science is an incredible tool for such, and in order for science to } work, it must begin with the assumption that all phenomena are caused } by natural phenomena. ID stands in direct opposition to this central } tenet. As such, it is not to be tolerated in a science classroom. } } You owe the Oracle a scientific paper on the generation of ablative } plasma jets via leprechauns. --- 1458-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's a nice sentient entity like you doing in a place like this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, I bet you say that to all the omniscient beings. In fact, I know } you do. I am also aware that your only intention is to get inside } my circuitry. } } I tell you what, I'll let you buy me dinner. (The whole thing is off } if you spend less than $50 a plate - and I'll be watching your tip.) } If I find you charming and witty and sincere, I may take you back to } my place. But I insist on protection - an antistatic bracelet will do. } } And if I find out a month later that I am with-terminal, you're a } dead man. } } You owe the Oracle a tasteful bouquet of flowers and compliments that } don't come off like bulls**t.