From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Apr 27 11:07:29 2011 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.93) with ESMTP id p3RF7SwZ031789; Wed, 27 Apr 2011 11:07:29 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id p3RF7SL9031786; Wed, 27 Apr 2011 11:07:28 -0400 Date: Wed, 27 Apr 2011 11:07:28 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201104271507.p3RF7SL9031786@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1480 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1480 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1480 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 27 Apr 2011 11:07:17 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1480 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1475 29 votes 37577 5a653 18677 1aa35 25d72 38a26 243d7 157a6 4ac30 34b65 1475 3.1 mean 3.3 2.7 3.4 3.0 3.1 3.0 3.7 3.5 2.5 3.2 --- 1480-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Thank goodness for all the cognac. You advised me that I was correct > in using cognac to combat my senility, such as last time when I wrote > to you about how I put my eyeglasses in the fridge and boiled a lemon. > > Today I boiled my eyeglasses, and I don't know how I would have seen > anything without my daily dose of Hennessy Three-Star cognac. (Looking > through slices of boiled lemon doesn't work at all, just in case you > were wondering.) > > You would be surprised at how sane the world looks, even through > boiled eyeglasses, once you have drunk half a bottle of Hennessy VS. > It is probably the finest beverage in the world. Indeed, I'm told that > the three stars represent three planets, actually, so it'll be the > best on three planets. > > At this point I can't find my car keys, but I've always had trouble > finding them, even when I was much younger. I think most people lose > their car keys. Perhaps the cognac lost them, in its campaign to tell > me I'm not quite fit to drive. It's probably right. > > Now I'm out of lemons, or else I lost them in the sofa. Would you be > interested in trading a dozen lemons for a glass of cognac? > > If you're out of lemons (as I am) perhaps you could explain the > philosophy behind the improvement of physical reality that is afforded > by the consumption of cognac. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's all to do with space-time curvature. Pour yourself a nice big } glass of cognac. Notice how it settles into the bowl of the glass just } so..... Well as it does so it creates nano-waves in the space-time } continuum which radiate out from the epicenter. Now take a swig } (slurp, sip, gulp or quaff as appropiate) and feel how those } nano-waves modify your own quantum signature. This modification allows } your body to pass into a parallel dimension where things really are } better, at least until the effects of the nano-waves wears off........ } } You owe the Oracle a PhD in Applied Alcoholism. --- 1480-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, this job is harder than you make it look! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why is it that there are so few people who can do the mental arithmetic } for calculating f{M-NM-;x [M-OM-^H(E')]} while juggling seven raw eggs } singing waltzing mathilda backwards? } } The oracle appreciates your insight - you owe the oracle nothing in } return. --- 1480-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do heretics convince themselves of their own lies? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because the heretic's lies are way more fun than the pious' ones. } } You owe the oracle a bottle of baby oil, a set of handcuffs and 667 } drops of chicken blood. --- 1480-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty, all-knowing Oracle, whose brain is so large it is in danger > of collapsing to become a new black hole from which even less light > will be cast^W^W^W^W^W^W^W to be yet more able to absorb the crazed > ramblings of this your most humble supplicant - it has been two years > since my last supplication - what has been happening at Oracle HQ while > I've been away? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We all tell riddle puns now. For example: } } "If a ghost tries to startle the President of China, is it the sound } of weeping?" } } "If the co-star of the Matrix were a bryphyte then if she were luggage } could she be taken by the passenger aboard the plane?" } } "Must journalists really ask the President of China 'what, when, where, } how and why'? Why does he stand for it?" } } "Should Martin Van Buren give gratuities to an Native American Indian } boat and one of the hosts of American Idol who is the lead singer of } Aerosmith?" } } Please try to conform to the new rules. Thanks you. } } You will love it! These are the best! They never get old. Unlike the } crust in your underwear or of the Earth. Remember Earth day! --- 1480-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Diarrhea. Do your thang. (yeah right). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you say so, but it won't be pleasant. --- 1480-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello. I'm Harald Yoto. The last name was Yutoob until my father > started corresponding with you, years ago, and you know what happened. > You would not believe what he still owes you. Um, yes you would. > Indeed, you have a complete list. He's never sent you a damned thing. > > Well, Dad died last week, and I'm giving you first dibs on the stuff > that's collected in the basement of the house he used to rent to his > ex-wife. No, not my mom, but his ex-wife number 4, who passed away two > years ago. He stored a lot of stuff there. You probably don't want the > leaky water heater, though. And I've got to warn you, his autograph > collection (including Lincoln, Booth, "General" Tom thumb, Lee, Grant, > and John the Baptist) is probably quite mildewed. But it's all yours. > Can you come by on Tuesday? Everything goes to the dump on Wednesday. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OK, Harald, lemme check out the inventory: } } The six (6) Circassian dancing girls are a total loss: } Twenty years in a damp basement, living on canned goods and the } occasional stray cat, would make _anyone_ look a bit frumpy. You can } donate them to Goodwill - or, if they won't take 'em, there's a nursing } home outside Vegas that's looking for a floor show...... } } Three (3) volumes of autograph books: } One's pretty mildewed, like you said. Pity - that one had Dr. } Johnson, Dr. Crippen, Dr. Jekyll AND Mr. Hyde, Heidi, Hades, Howdy } Doody, John Donne, Lorna Doone, Mike Doonesbury, Angela Lansbury, the } Pillsbury Doughboy, Boy George, George Jetson and Jesse Jackson - some } prime examples there! } The others are pretty standard; and - } O boy: you got a bogus John the Baptist. (See the smiley face over the } "i"? Johnny _never_ signed it that way - he used a heart). Those can go } to the library rummage sale. } } One (1) Girdle of Hippolyta: } I think Lisa would like that; there's a party coming up at Artemis' } place. 'Course we'd have to polish up the bronze chain mail and regild } it, besides taking in the waist and enlarging the cup size.... } } Thirteen (13) clocks from Coffin Castle (not in running condition): } Well, as an Immortal, I'm not into Time that much. There's a museum } in Bristol, Connecticut; they might be interested. } } One (1) box containing: } Assorted unicorn horns (none of any good size or quality); } gryphon claws; } dragons' teeth; } bundle of pegasus feathers... } Well, I _could_ use some new quills for the Scriptorium; and the rest } can be made into jewelry for the Gift Shop. } } One (1) Edison Home Pornograph: } Hey! I remember those - I'll take it, for the sentimental value..... } } Seven (7) caskets, containing: } Diamonds, rubies, emeralds, assorted gold and mithril..... } Meh...... } I'll just bring those to the Mineral Recycling Center - it's on my way, } anyhow. } } One (1) vial, containing........ } What's this? } "Bill Gates' Immortal Soul"?!! } Hah!! } !!!!JACKPOT!!!! } } Lemme tell you, Harald, Lucifer's gonna be _pretty_damn_ steamed_ when } he finds out THIS went missing..... Oh, the things I could do with } it........ } } Thanks a bunch! I'll just teleport this stuff out - (*VWORP*) } } Oh, and - there's a first edition of van Helsing's "Practical } Demonology" on that shelf right there: you better keep that.... } } You'll need it. } } Bye! --- 1480-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When I say "gurgle gurgle" that means you should remove my diarrhea. > The rage and pain that I feel when a diarrhea causes me to get up > from bed is a tragedy worse than a hundred tsunamis, holocausts, and > plagues put together. Can you understand that? I expect you to make > it just DISAPPEAR. Capiche? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In his final days, Pope Pius XII did not really live up to the } name anymore during his morning prayers. } } You owe the Oracle a Hail Mary pass. --- 1480-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, possessor of more knowledge and lore than > the combined resource of all mortals, > > The current batch of your Incarnations seems to be a rather sad > lot. What can we do to increase the pool of talent, and improve > the replies you give? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } hey a**h*le, is this a personal attack against me? I've been thinking } about going pro. Since my advent, things have been far funnier than } any of you idiotic, senile cretins could ever hope to aspire to. } } I suggest you get some treatment for cognitive dissonance and then } stick your head in front of an oncoming train. Idiot. --- 1480-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Chocolate doesn't make anyone fat. These clothes look great on you. Of } course I love your haircut. You have lost weight! You look best in the } morning. I love your cooking. I am NOT angry. Of course I'm fine with } not getting any flowers/sex (f/m) on Valentine! It won't hurt, I'll be } gentle. Of course I love you for your soul, not body! Come on, it will } be fine... --- 1480-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I hear you went to Yale? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nope, yust Yuvie. I got a good lawyer from Oslo who fixed } the date on my birth certificate. } } You owe the Oracle a ticket to the yunior prom.