From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Tue May 31 07:45:09 2011 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.93) with ESMTP id p4VBj8Pq015353; Tue, 31 May 2011 07:45:09 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id p4VBj842015350; Tue, 31 May 2011 07:45:08 -0400 Date: Tue, 31 May 2011 07:45:08 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201105311145.p4VBj842015350@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1482 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1482 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1482 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 31 May 2011 07:44:57 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1482 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1477 29 votes 378a1 28757 37883 38945 43886 65783 1279a 19865 37766 57953 1477 3.1 mean 3.0 3.2 3.0 3.0 3.3 2.9 3.9 3.2 3.2 2.8 --- 1482-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well, Orrie, I didn't think it was possible, but I got a handwritten > response from you. But now, I can't decipher your handwriting. Help? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, sorry. Through a slight mixup your question was handled } by the I-Ching Oracle (a wholly owned subsidiary of Oracular } Enterprises) and your reply was sent as pictograms written } on rice paper. I hope that you at least found it beautiful, } if indecipherable, and that the laxative-laced cookies tasted } good. Here is a translation: } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > When I say "gurgle gurgle" that means you should remove my } > constipation. } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } All your hard work will soon pay off. } } Allow yourself time - you will reach success. } } Contentment will come to you. } } Desire for success will be achieved through effort. } } Every truly great accomplishment is at first impossible. } } Good things come to those who wait. } } If there is no struggle there is no progress. } } In solitude we are least alone. } } Patience will overcome adversity. } } Sitting toward the South may bring you good luck. } } You will experience changes for the better. } } You will pass a difficult test that will make you happier. } } } } The Oracle thanks you for your question, and wishes you blessings. } } You owe the Oracle twenty bucks. --- 1482-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A few moments earlier... } } > O wise and powerful Oracle, } > } > Is this gun loa-*BANG* } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } Yes, and WATCH OU- ... oh no. Zadoc! Go set up the time } machine. No no, the ultra-light-duty one, just a few seconds } will be enough, there's a good lad. I'll handle a couple } hundred new questions that just came in, while I'm waiting ... } Hm, hm, so what could be taking him? A few seconds should } take only a few, well, seconds, though it's not linear - ah, } here we go. } } > > /usr/games/fortune oraclewisdom-o } } No no, Zadoc, that was from almost an hour ago, just a FEW } seconds, ten at most. Try again. } } > Hm, hm, so what could be taking him? A few seconds should } } No, you numbskull, not ten seconds ago from NOW, ten seconds } before the FIRST time I asked you. If you'd done it properly } in the first place... oh bloody zot, I really need to get } around to placing that help-wanted advert. Hm, hm, ... here } it comes, is this it? } } > O wise and powerful Oracle, } } There, that's the one. WATCH OUT, POINT THAT THING AWAY FROM ... } } > Is this gun loa-*BANG*-ded, HOLY CRIPES, I could have hurt } > someone ... gee, thanks, Oracle! } } Don't mention it. To answer your question, yes it is. And } to answer what you didn't ask, that "someone" was almost you. } } You owe the Oracle some spackling compound for the new hole } in his wall, and a book containing the rules of Russian } Roulette. } } > Say, wise and powerful Oracle, as long as I have you on } > the line, can I ask you another question? } } May. Obviously you can, but yes, you may. } } You owe the Oracle a nickel, since it was an easy question, } though improperly phrased. } } > But I ... oh, all right. O wise and powerful Oracle, MAY } > I ask you another question, NOT COUNTING this one? } } Yes, but no. } } You owe the Oracle another nickel. They ALL count. } } > Argh! OK, OK. O wise and powerful Oracle, my other question } > is this, how many bullets does this gun hold? } } Just one. } } You owe the Oracle a new computer with a spreadsheet program, } to help keep track of bullets and so forth. } } > A computer?!? Why is that a fair price for an easy question } > when the other times you charged me a nickel??? } } The Oracle decides what's fair, and what's easy. Not you, } Supplicant. } } You owe the Oracle a nickel. Another easy one. } } > Then how do I go about applying for a refund? I would have } > just looked for myself, to find out, if I knew it would cost } > me a computer! I can't afford a new computer even for myself! } } No refunds. } } You owe the Oracle a nickel. } } > YOU JERK! Okay, so you answer questions? Yeah, that's one, } > and here's the followup, try it on for size, doofus: How much } > wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood??? } } Here, let me see that. } } *BANG* } } Well, will you look at that, now it holds zero. } } The Oracle owes you last rites. --- 1482-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, what happened to the Rapture on the weekend? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I have no idea, I was Camping at the time. } } You owe the Oracle a Harold angel. --- 1482-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All your base are belong to us! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yeah, I know. Look, there's some lemon juice in the fridge, and umm, oh } yes, there are three huge jugs of vinegar under the sink. } } Be more careful with that stuff next time. --- 1482-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I can dream, can't I? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Finally, one of the priests came up with a more realistic demand than } just whining about a rise. --- 1482-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Welcome to Theoretically Possible; may I take your order please? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd like two un-scrambled eggs and a cup of grass, air, water, and } sunlight that used to be cow's milk, please. } } You owe the Oracle the check. --- 1482-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You're mighty brave in cyberspace, man. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What's on your mind, if you will pardon the overstatement? I } don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard for you } to pronounce. You are obviously suffering from delusions of } adequacy. Did your parents have any children that lived? Tell } me, what do you, as an outsider, think of the human race? (Don't } worry, I'm fluent in weirdo.) You're not my type; for that matter, } you aren't even my species. Scientists will study your brain to } learn more about your distant cousin, Man. Millions of years ago, } man climbed out of the slime - want to join the party? They broke } the mold BEFORE they made you, and when you were born the doctor } slapped your mother. There are two kinds of people in this world, } and you are not one of them. You are a pimple on the face of } humanity; somebody please come and pop you. You are like some ... } gigantic robot nerd assembled from the parts of lesser nerds. I } try never to forget a face, but I'm willing to make an exception } for you. In fact I'm considering memorizing your name and throwing } my head away. } } You're all basket and no eggs, all booster and no payload, all foam } and no beer, all hat and no cowboy. You've got your paddle, all } right, but no canoe. } } Being good at being stupid doesn't count. Were you born that way, } or did you have to study? Yours is a titanic intellect... in a } world full of icebergs. Too bad stupidity isn't painful. You're } about as sharp as a bowl of jello. You may be stupid, but you sure } aren't clever. You've got a mind like a steel trap - rusty and } closed. What's the height of stupidity? I'm not sure... how tall } are you? I'd try being nicer if you tried being smarter. Everyone } has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege. } Even an unplugged clock is right twice a day. Been short on oxygen } one time too many? When you go to the mind reader, do you get half } price? Do you run air conditioning year round to keep your IQ above } room-temperature? You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding } through peanut butter. Your brain is so small that if you put it } on the edge of a razor blade, it would look like a pea rolling down } a 4 lane highway. Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to } be let out alone. The proctologist called; they found your head. } The dentist said your wisdom teeth are retarded. The gates are } down, the lights are flashing, but the train just ain't coming. } Someone blew out your pilot light. Ever stop to think, and forget } to start again? The way things go over your head, you'd be a champ } at mental limbo dancing. It takes you two hours to make minute rice. } It takes you a week to watch `60 Minutes'. Anything preying on your } mind would starve to death. If brains were dynamite, you couldn't } blow your hat off; if money, you'd be six pesos in debt; if taxed, } you'd get a rebate; if water, you'd be a walking desert. If you had } one more neuron you'd have a synapse. If you had one more ounce of } brains, you'd be half-witted. If idiots could fly, your house would } be an airport. If stupidity was a crime, you'd get a life sentence. } If you were as tall as you are stupid, you'd make the NBA All Star } team. If you can find a village without its idiot, you'll be set } for life. Stupidity is not a handicap -- park elsewhere. In a } battle of wits, you are the pacifist. If what you don't know can't } hurt you, you're invulnerable. If ignorance is bliss, then why on } EARTH aren't you happy? } } The Idiot Store called, they said they're running out of you. } } I wonder how many angels could dance on your head? It's unclear } which of Newton's 3 laws of motion keeps your ears apart. You } suffer from aviary neurology, birdbrain. Not even Hercules could } knock out your brains, you don't have any. You have a rare but } serious case of cerebellum nonexistium. It didn't take much } reductio to get down to absurdium from where you started. Sorry } about your rectocranial inversion. } } Roses are red, violets are black; you'd look better with a knife } in your back. I always wanted to be rich, and while I'm dreaming, } I wish you weren't so ugly. The weather is here, wish you were } beautiful. It's okay to be ugly, but aren't you overdoing it? } You must have fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on } the way down. You must have had your cosmetic surgery performed } by Picasso. Why don't you give yourself a treat - paint all your } mirrors. You're so ugly, Peeping Toms ask you to pull down your } shades. You're so ugly, the psychiatrist makes you lie face down. } You're so ugly, you could scare a pitbull out of a meat locker. } You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on a glass of water to get } a drink. You're so ugly, you'd cause a train to take a dirt road. } If looks could kill, you would be an Uzi. } } Your lips aren't saying anything and your eyes are saying "read } my lips". You qualify for the witless protection program. There's } a few dots missing from the dice of your life. There's a few } sunflower seeds missing from your trailmix. You've got too much } yardage between the goal posts. Your fence is missing a few pickets. } You're not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, nor the sharpest } knife in the drawer. You couldn't get a clue even in the middle of } clue mating season if you were standing in a field full of excited } clues with your body smeared with clue musk dancing the clue mating } dance. } } You're a few beers short of a six-pack. You're a couple of tacos } short of a combination plate. You're a few french fries short of } a Happy Meal. You're a few peas short of a casserole. You're a } few hot peppers short of an enchilada. You're a few sandwiches } short of a picnic. You're a couple of volts below threshold. } You're a few bytes short of a K. You're a few clowns short of a } circus. You're a few green stamps short of a free toaster. You're } one wave short of a shipwreck. You're a few kittens short of } a litter. You're a few shingles shy of a roof. You're a few } wheatbags short of a silo. You're one card short of a full deck. } You're a few neurons short of a brain. You're about 4 cents short } of a nickel. You're about 12 shy of a dozen. } } You're diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You're half a } bubble off plumb. Your bait can is a few minnows short. Your } elevator doesn't make it to the top floor. Your receiver is off } the hook. Your antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. Your } dipstick isn't touching oil. Your lugnuts are rattling in your } hubcaps. Your mouth is in gear, but your brain is in neutral. } You're knitting with only one needle. Your family tree doesn't } fork. You're not so much a has-been, as a won't-be. You're } skating on the wrong side of the ice. You're meandering to a } different drummer. } } You're about as useful as a braille speedometer, as a revolving } basement restaurant, as a screen door on a submarine, as a see- } through mirror, as a snake charmer with a deaf cobra, as a } stowaway on a Kamikaze plane, as an ejection seat in a helicopter, } as microwave popsicles, as a fork in a soup bowl, as a lead life } raft, as a solar powered foghorn, as roll-on hairspray, } } You have fallen off Mildly Crazy Plateau and right into Loopyville } Canyon, after reaching the apex of Mount Clueless. You are the } mayor of Loserville. Here's your crown, King Nothing. } } You always cease to amaze me. Whether you can hear it or not, } the Universe is laughing behind your back. Why don't you do us } all a favor and pull your lip over your head and swallow? You } are one of the least minimally unintelligent organic life forms } it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid } meeting. Keep taking those stupidity pills, they're working. } You are no longer beneath my contempt. } } Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. If I } promise to miss you will you please go away? I've enjoyed just } about as much of you as I can stand. I like your approach, now } let's see your departure. You really should go far, and the } sooner you start, the better. I'd be glad to help you out, which } way did you come in? Support your local rescue squad - get lost. } I want to go back to how things were before we knew each other. } When the phone don't ring, you'll know it's me. I'm already } visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. But burying you would } be the waste of a hole. Guys like you are a dime a dozen - on } second thought, I'll keep my dime. As the Bard put it, I dote } on your very absence. Now go have a nice day, somewhere else. } } Just kidding. } } You owe the Oracle a clever comeback. --- 1482-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The connection to your site took so long, I forgot what I wanted > to say. Oh well. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We at The Oracle are new to this internet service provider business. } You see many years ago there was this revolutionary concept -- } you actually had to GET OFF YOUR SORRY TAIL and haul yourself over } to Delphi. So simple. So easy. } } Then about 35 years ago-- } } Zadoc: Dude, did you KNOW they distribute PORN on computer tapes? } Oracle: Awesome, if we can get PORN on tape, we could serve supplicants } answers by program. I could answer questions in bed (while watching } PORN). } } Of course, when you're THE Oracle, you have better technology than } everyone else, but not that much better. Laptop computers weren't } really in vogue yet, so it was hard to watch PORN. But it was better } than Delphi eh? } } Then a little more than twenty years ago-- } } Oracle: ZADOC YOU IMBECILE, YOU SCREWED UP THE COMPUTER AGAIN!! HOW } CAN I ANSWER SUPPLICANTS? } Zadoc: But dude, there's PORN! On Usenet! } Oracle: Really? Let me get a look at that--oh that's AWESOME! What? } You've got MORE! This is a great idea, we should get on Usenet too. } } PORN on Usenet -- I mean, Supplicants on Usenet -- was a great deal } for us. I didn't have to be at The Oracle to get my PORN tapes -- } I mean grovels from Supplicants. I got to travel for the first time } in years. } } But then it became a bit of a nuisance. Waiting half an hour to } download all the binaries for my PORN -- I mean, clearing out all } the spammers from our Usenet group -- was getting to be a nuisance. } It used to be that if you showed up at The Oracle, it was PRETTY } DARN IMPORTANT. Now -- well, I was a bit embarassed. } } Then about 15 years ago-- } } Oracle: ZADOC, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE COMPUTER?!?! } Zadoc: But dude, there's PORN! On the Internet! On the World Wide Web! } In one download! It's AWESOME! } Oracle: What? Really? Oh gosh, look at the resolution on that thing? } You got that in 30 seconds? Well 3 cheers for the Internet. } } And so I knew then that we HAD to go to the Internet. We got setup } and were .com certified (well .org, but what's the difference)? } It was great--got rid of the spammers, got more PORN, didn't need } any computer, got more PORN, got more supplicants, got MORE porn--you } got the idea. } } But just a few days ago: } } Oracle: ZADOC? THE WEBSITE IS SLOW AGAIN!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO } THE SERVER?!?! } Zadoc: But dude, there's -- } } You owe The Oracle an IPv6 conversion manual and a new source of porn. --- 1482-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Smoking is very glamorous, debonair, and sophisticated. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Indeed. For example, anything ordinarily done using two hands } is far cooler with only one hand plus a cigarette in the other: } } - driving a car } - playing the trumpet } - cracking an egg } - shuffling cards } - changing the oil } - opening a blouse } - unhooking a bra } - performing CPR } - whacking weeds } } And if it's too tricky, you pair up two people and get them to } do it together with one hand each, so they don't drop their } smokes. As above, respectively: } } - a nail } - the french horn } - a lobster } - paperwork } - a diaper } - a jar } - a fish } - surgery } - off } } Still cooler, with two people plus the cigarettes, than one } person alone. } } Note how the coolness factor drops off considerably if these } activities are done with a broken arm in a sling, or if an } opponent has you in an armlock. It's the cigarette that's key. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of menthols and a carton of shades. --- 1482-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Tim Chew" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I can use some help I am a English teacher eighth grade, an my student > don't proofread what they write. They done even spell check anything! > They should learn grammar (that's with two A and no E but they don't > getting that none too good). I always use the smell check so I don't > make stupid mistakes like them do. > > How can I get them to be better students? Every year they are just as > bad as before. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sad to say, this advice will be lost on you, most likely, but } there may be hope for your students. Tell them to do a web } search on the terms Safire Fumblerules. } } Those who show appreciation for this masterpiece may be ready } for Strunk and White. } } You owe the Oracle, a correctly placed comma.