From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Fri Mar 16 09:57:51 2012 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.97) with ESMTP id q2GDvoSf018606; Fri, 16 Mar 2012 09:57:51 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id q2GDvovk018603; Fri, 16 Mar 2012 09:57:50 -0400 Date: Fri, 16 Mar 2012 09:57:50 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201203161357.q2GDvovk018603@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1494 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1494 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1494 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 16 Mar 2012 09:57:39 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1494 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1489 25 votes 4b460 15c52 19951 33667 006b8 13a56 35c23 445b1 19861 16972 1489 3.1 mean 2.5 3.1 2.8 3.4 4.1 3.5 2.9 3.0 2.9 3.1 --- 1494-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > must i buy a lexus? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Absolutely! You don't want to buy the Oracle a second-rate station } wagon, do you? --- 1494-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Know any good CAPTCHAs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your question is incorrect. Please refresh the answer. --- 1494-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why was Chuck Norris singled out when Chuck Norris joke paradigm was > implemented? He doesn't seem all that macho, which is probably why he > had to learn martial arts. Wouldn't a better choice have been > Sylvester Stallone, or Arnold Schwarzenegger? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, a better choice would be yours truly. } } Chuck Norris is undeniably as strong as an ox. } The Internet Oracle is even stronger than a skunk. } } Chuck Norris is a smart cookie. The Internet } Oracle is a miraculous creme brulee. } } Through rigorous physical training, Chuck Norris } has climbed the stairway to success. The Internet } Oracle single-handedly lifts the express elevator } to Easy Street (which, as you know, is the network } I built of skyways connecting the 50th floor of } every skyscraper in the world). } } Chuck Norris is so limber he can kiss his own } elbow. Lisa once caught The Internet Oracle } having an affair with the back of his knee. } } Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice. The } Internet Oracle created an infinite number of } Aleph numbers, an infinite number of times. } } Chuck Norris is a meme. The Internet Oracle has } existed since before cats lol'ed at their first } cheezburger and before Rick ever got rolled - } and btw, ugh, Hipsters only using the Oracle's } service ironically are soooo mainstream now. } } You owe the Oracle a round house. --- 1494-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the secret to Habu's success? You just don't get that good > overnight, like in that one sci-fi story I read once. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The shogi champion? He worked at it, from a very } early age. That's the usual secret. Very little } is ever overnight. } } I know the story you are referring to. Here it is } again, to refresh your memory. } } Flowers for Zadoc } A True Story } By The Internet Oracle } } Chapter 1. } } orrie says i shud rite down what i think and evrey } thing that happins to me from now on, i dont know } why but he says its importint so thay will see if } thay will use me as a inkarnashun, i hope thay } use me, miss lisa says maybe thay can make me } smart, i want to be smart, my name is zaaaadok, } i am 333333337 years old, i have nuthing more to } rite now so i will close for today } } Chapter 2. } } Wow! The powder I snorted worked fast! I dashed } off eleven replies to supplicants in eleven minutes, } on topics ranging from Quantum Mechanics to literary } deconstruction - each with a twist - none involving } NetHack. One of them has already been Oracularized, } whilst the other ten were a bit over the heads of } the priests; maybe I'll start a Sore Loser page. } } Chapter 3. } ops, teh medasin wor off alredy, please tell mr og } not to be such a grouch when pepul laff at him and } he would have more frends, i wish i cud make pepul } laff agin } ps pleeze if you get a chanse put some flowrz on } zaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadoks brekfust tabul, thay tast gud } } You owe the Oracle Cliff Robertson's autograph. --- 1494-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does computer programming have to be done in English? Indeed, why > do I have to write to you in English if you're so delightfully > omniscient? > > What I mean is, my native language is Ruthenian, or it would be if I > were born under the correct sign. My mistake is probably that my mom > says I was born under a sign that said NO SMOKING. She was really > frustrated, trying to light a secret cigarette, and suddenly I > appeared. My mom is weird. > > Still, I would be much happier if I could write functional specs in > Ruthenian. > > What would have been a better sign? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 'scanf("%s",xpr);' looks like English to you? } } The Oracle can of course read in any language; } however, Zadoc screens the questions as they } come in, and the priests review the answers } as they go out, and together they seem a bit } limited in their comprehension. So my answers } to non-English questions rarely see the light } of day. Blame Babelfish. } } Since your grovels resemble an opening bit for } open-mike night at the local comedy dungeon, I } suggest "STOP" as a better sign for you. } } As for the functional specs, you can write them } in Ruthenian if you wish to. The coders are } all multi-lingual - they will ignore the specs } in any language equally. } } You owe the Oracle una sigaretta del mentolo } und eine Mentholzigarette. --- 1494-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Internet filtering system now filters out nothing! Should I be > pleased, now that it no longer filters out words like "institution" or > "title" for no reason, or alarmed that I might stumble onto something > bad by accident? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Seems to be working OK. The text had "intercourse" } and "tittie" originally, but the filter fixed it up } for you good and proper. } } You owe the Oracle a menagerie at Troy. --- 1494-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most technically knowledgeable: As Your omsicience is spread > across so many Incarnations, how do you ensure that Incarnations > recieve the question they are meant to answer, and not someone else's? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } FAILURE NOTICE. Sorry, we were unable to deliver } your message to the following address: } make_money_fast_yes_for_real@yahoo.com } Remote host said: 554 delivery error: This user's } account has been removed. --- 1494-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Have you ever considered experimenting with being un-omniscient, just > to discover what it would be like? > > I mean, that would be the ultimate in testing your omniscience, like if > you didn't know but then you found out, and you learned that there > really was something you didn't know, and it was about not knowing. Are > we convoluted yet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I didn't know such a stupid question was possible. Yep, } I think you've done it. Thanks, it was interesting to } learn the limits of omniscience. } } You owe the Oracle a return ticket for a Mobius trip. --- 1494-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I hope I don't come across as being too anal but I'd just like to > deep-throatedly support Rick Santorum and his campaign. > Here's hoping he doesn't hit bottom or pull out too soon, and > instead thrusts us deeply into the AMERICAN FUTURE And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Giggity. } } Say, how come all the good double-entendres are about sex? } I like sex as much as the next registered offender, but I } also enjoy a good hike in the mountains. How come (no, } not a sexual reference) we rarely see something like this? } } I hope I don't come across as some kind of bushwhacker, } but I'd just like to blaze a trail in support of Rick } Santorum and his campaign. Here's hoping he doesn't } rappel to single-digits again, or overdo it on the } Gorp, and instead follows the cairns to his destination } and scales the heights for all of us into the AMERICAN } FUTURE. } } Now, wasn't that a breath of fresh air? } } You owe the Oracle a Boy Scout merit badge. --- 1494-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi, what are the main pros and cons to our current most popular > presidential candidates? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you for your question, Comrade. Here they are: } } Candidate Pros Cons } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } Vladimir | Gained vast experience | Served third term posing | } Putin | during first two terms | as a man named "Medvedev" | } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } Gennady | Stands firm against | Widely suspected of being | } Zyuganov | aggressive imperialists | a dirty Commie | } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } Mikhail | Rich as stink; can pay | Owns a NASCAR team, two | } Prokhorov | for military by himself | Cadillacs, and a mafia | } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } Vladimir | Leader of Liberal- | Is neither liberal nor | } Zhirinovsky | Democratic Party | democratic | } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } Sergei | Basically the Dennis | But not quite as | } Mironov | Kucinich of Russia | influential | } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } Ivan | Proponent of peace | Knocked out by Rocky | } Drago | through strengthsky | | } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } Mister | Not bound by our | Running mate Mister | } Mxyzptlk | physical laws | Kltpzyxm drags the ticket | } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } Ron | Advocates free market, | Viewed as a bit of a | } Paul | international restraint | dyedooshka here too | } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle a hanging chadsky.