From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon May 21 07:16:58 2012 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.97) with ESMTP id q4LBGvMu020497; Mon, 21 May 2012 07:16:58 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id q4LBGv0i020494; Mon, 21 May 2012 07:16:57 -0400 Date: Mon, 21 May 2012 07:16:57 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201205211116.q4LBGv0i020494@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1498 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1498 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1498 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 21 May 2012 07:16:46 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1498 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1493 21 votes 14457 15474 5a420 1513b 68232 24861 16671 16662 03864 17256 1493 3.1 mean 3.6 3.4 2.1 3.9 2.4 3.0 3.0 3.1 3.5 3.4 --- 1498-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in > the fridge? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Somewhere, deep inside the tuna casserole that's been sitting in your } fridge since 1992, there is a city of little people who have crawled } out of the soup that was casserole. Those little people depend on the } light in the fridge to grow their crops. } } However, when you open the fridge in the middle of the night, it } disturbs their sleep schedule. } } This is why you are not supposed to have midnight snacks. } } You owe it to the Oracle to throw the tuna casserole into the trash, } or into the Oracle Debt Collectors Agency's Collection of Nasty } Things. --- 1498-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > God supplicates to him. ('Nuff said.) > > He is...the most interesting Oracle on the Internet. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Navy Seals have him on speed dial. } } Respected novelists fight over his discarded } similes. } } When she grows up, Dear Abby wants to be him. } } Countless beer companies have asked him to be } their spokesman and been told no, translated } into Akkadian rendered in iambic pentameter. } } Yet he gives replies even Zadoc can comprehend. } } His grovels are even better than his answers, } but you'll never read one. } } "I don't always send answers by mail, but when } I do, I send them as the Oracle. You owe the } Oracle to stay ignorant, my supplicants." --- 1498-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I told him not to do that, and he said it was approved. It's going to > be a lot of trouble, so I asked my dad and he says he's not got > permission so he's going to tell him to get the other fellow and stop > him too. He doesn't like it, but he is going to clobber him. > > Now my uncle says I drop references like flypaper. But I don't like > flypaper. Is he is going to clobber him? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Decent, but it's kind of long, and the meter's off. } You just need short lyrics for a top-40 song, and } let the instrumental carry most of the load. What } about this: } } I told him not to do that, and } He said it was approved. } It's going to be a lot of fuss. } I think we'll have to move. } } He's going to stop the other guy, } I think it's a mistake. } My uncle wants to catch a fly. } No wonder I'm a flake. } } Nonsense, but no less so than what you had. } } You owe the Oracle 50% royalties. --- 1498-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello! My name is [makes wretched coughing noise in bottom of throat] > but you can call me Howard Gargle. Everyone else does, except for the > people who call me Harold Gargle. > > Do you think my name would be more euphonious if I were to change it > to [makes sound of old PCC MBTA Green-Line car screeching on a tight > curve]? People would be less likely to think I was dying. I've been > shipped to the ER twice this week already merely for pronouncing my > own name. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good to make your acquaintance [wretched coughing noise in bottom of } throat]. In fact, [grinding noise of garbage disposal with a piece of } plastic caught in it] spoke very highly of you and said he would } suggest you contact me. In anticipation of your inquiry, I dusted off } my copy of Cacophonous Linguistics by [sound of feline heaving then } barfing up a hairball] who also wrote the highly-acclaimed Dissonant } Discourse. } } On the surface [sound of old PCC MBTA Green-Line car screeching on a } tight curve] may seem like a more pleasant sounding name, however, you } are liable to be confused with [sound of loose whining fan belt on 1984 } Ford Escort] or even [sound of rusty chain link fence door swinging } open]. In Cacophonous Linguistics [sound of feline heaving then } barfing up a hairball] cited the case of [wet and gaseous percussive } expulsion of air from the sphincter] who changed her name to [angry } hissing and honking noises from a territorial goose] after suffering a } breakdown during an office birthday party thrown for her broke into the } traditional birthday song. At last report [angry hissing and honking } noises from a territorial goose] was content and living a quiet... } well... happy life. The same could not be said for [buzzing of angry } beehive] who changed his name to [yodeling Dutch girl]. } } I think you should improve upon [angry hissing and honking noises from } a territorial goose]'s example and choose a new name even more } euphonious. You should strive for something soothing or least something } smoother. Some you might consider are: [crickets on a mild spring } evening], [soft distant 'moo'ing of cows], ['coo'ing of a morning } dove], or even [rain on a summer night]. [smooth, cool, jazzy guitar } riff] might just make people think you're crazy and disturbed, even } though it would sound good. Use good sense and good luck in your } search. } } You owe the Oracle a collection of euphonious euphemisms. --- 1498-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi Orrie! As you know I have creeping brain flu, terminal stage, and > expect to be half dead by the time you read this. My only hope is a > brain transplant, which will give me an additional 35 days, enough to > complete the coding of the module I'm working on right now. (Nothing's > more important than coding.) > > Study of the available brains reveals that yours is the only compatible > match, owing to how smart you are. > > So may I please borrow your immortal and omniscient brain for about 35 > days? I promise to return it as soon as I am dead, and will not prolong > my demise in order to keep your brain, even though possession of it > will certainly enable me to know how I could do so. > > Sincedrely, more or less, > J. Suppy Thudclobber And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure thing. And don't worry about returning it. Even a } brief perusal of emails with "The Oracle replies!" as the } subject line will confirm that I am not using it anyway. } } You owe the Oracle a donation to your memorial fund. --- 1498-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > How many children should I plan to have? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lets see, your species is salmon, yes? So. Before you can even start to } think about how many, you need to consider when and where. The when } will become obvious to you in due course, thanks to an irresistible } spawning urge that I'll switch on when it's most inconvenient for you. } The where depends on how well you remember your own birth. Yes, that's } right, you have to go back to the same spot where you started out in } order to do this. Yes, that means swimming up stream, against the } current. You'll have to navigate rapids, and dodge hungry bears the } whole way. I recommend eating a hearty meal before setting out. } } Oh, and did I mention what this is going to do to your skin? Fresh } water will slowly cause your skin to deteriorate. So the sooner you get } to the area where you'll have your children, the better off you'll be. } Sure, you'll still die within a few weeks after, but you'll have gotten } the big family you've always dreamed about, no matter how briefly, and } that's all that really matters, right? } } So. Once you get to your spawning area, you'll lay about 5000 eggs. } Don't worry, this isn't as painful as it sounds! Just be thankful } you're not human! 5-thousand-tuplets would be a bit hard to cope with! } Especially at feeding time! And can you imagine the diapers!??!? Oh the } horror! Then the males will come. They're not so much interested in you } (so don't worry about how you look after your long swim) as much as } they are in your eggs (besides, they just made the same trip and are } not looking like Aquaman themselves). They'll come along and spray } their fishy love juice over the eggs. Multiple males. It's sort of a } crap shoot. Or a carp shoot. Or something. Whatever. . Then you cover } up the eggs. Then you go lay another 5000 and repeat. You'll do this } until you've managed to unload all the eggs your carrying, so expect } this to take a while! } } Now, of course, thanks to the deterioration of your skin caused by the } fresh water, you won't live to actually see your children hatch into } little fishies, that valiantly make their way downstream (the easy } trip) back to fresh water. But you can rest assured that you have made } your contribution to the circle of life in a truly valiant manner. Even } your death will have purpose, as, as you float slowly down stream, } you'll more than likely be scooped up by some hungry bear cub and give } him enough energy to go on living for a while. } } Rejoice! } } You owe the oracle a lifetime supply (my lifetime, not yours) of lox } and sushi. --- 1498-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Clearly these are English exercises...or are they? I mean, not > many of us understand Spanish for example. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hola! Soy El Caro! Or should I say, The Expensive One, for } the benefit of any gringos? If you think Orrie's YOTOs cost } you a lot, just wait until you see mine! } } I am Oracle's nemesis from the mirror universe. Back home, } I ask the questions, and the supplicants must answer. And } the default language is Spanish, which is of course the } opposite of English! You see what a wild and wacky universe } I come from? Still, this one time, I will try to follow the } patterns of your universe, and provide the answer to your } question. En ingles. } } Si, the exercises are very difficult, and it is no surprise } if you have trouble. In *my* universe, of course, they are } very very easy. We call them lie-downs, and you only have } to do one of them. In your universe, you must do a zillion } (the opposite of one), and more than a few sit-UPs are not } quite so easy. You can do your counting in either English } or Spanish, it makes no difference. } } Yes, I realize in a mirror universe only left and right } should be affected, not up and down. But you overlook one } thing: logic is backwards in my universe too. } } I suppose I should have mentioned one other thing: whatever } the opposite of "omniscient" is, that is me. Since I'm not } omniscient, I don't know the right word. Deal with it. } } You owe El Caro a peso! Si, si, I know it doesn't seem like } much. But in the mirror universe, you'd be surprised how } far it goes. --- 1498-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I couldn't have said it better! (Well, technically I did, but forget > it.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good: That reminds me, your mother called and said her recliner } chair broke again. Anyway, just *pick* one, so we can go } home. } Better: No no, honey, that dress doesn't make you look fat. } } Good: Statutory Steve and Gizzard are in town, we're gonna hit } the casinos for 72 hours. } Better: Nope, no plans this weekend. We can finally paint the } kitchen. } } Good: About what? We talked last month. } Better: Yes, lately I've sensed something is bothering you. } } Good: But, the hemi-demi-quasi-semifinal is on. It only comes } once a year! Why can't I just come home and relax? } Better: Say, there's a new Renee Zellweger movie out. The } reviews look promising. } } Good: Not really, though her rack somewhat makes up for it. } Better: Hey, everyone knows *I* got the pick of the litter. } } Good: Well, technically I did, but forget it. } Better: I couldn't have said it better! } } You owe the Oracle nothing but the best. --- 1498-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Last night I saw upon the stair } A supplicant who wasn't there. } He isn't there again today. } Oh, how I wish he'd go away. } } When I checked mail } Just now, at three, } A message waited there for me. } But when I looked } (Quick as a fox) } There was no question in the box! } } And so I have to squint and stare } At the supplicant who isn't there. } He isn't there! I don't feel well! } I wish, I wish he'd go to ... some other incarnation. } } You owe the Oracle tonic for his nerves. --- 1498-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there a schizo in the house? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am guessing you were hoping for some sort of "no, } there isn't", "yes, there is!" internal dialog, for } cheap humor's sake. Sorry, it's a common misconception } that schizophrenia is simply a split personality. } } It can be. Dissociative identity disorder, otherwise } known as split personality, is often an aspect of } a schizophrenic mind. The shattering of the self } is one way a mind can recoil from the real world. } } Nonsense. Dissociative patients are no more likely } to also display symptoms of schizophrenia than the } population at large. } } Where'd you get that from, Wikipedia? You realize } any given Wikipedia article is written by multiple } authors, right? How different is that from a } multiple personality disorder? } } Now you are really stretching to make a point. } } Anyway, I don't know why I am answering this. It's } very weird that the system sent me my own question } to answer. } } Now stop it, you're just the alter ego. *I'm* the } one answering. And no, supplicant, there is no schizo } in the house. I checked, and I'm the only one here, } and I'm perfectly sane. } } pErFeCtLy. } } You owe the Oracle some rubber padding for his room.