From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Jul 25 20:22:53 2012 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.97) with ESMTP id q6Q0MrSY005534; Wed, 25 Jul 2012 20:22:53 -0400 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id q6Q0MqjB005531; Wed, 25 Jul 2012 20:22:52 -0400 Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2012 20:22:52 -0400 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201207260022.q6Q0MqjB005531@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1502 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1502 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1502 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 25 Jul 2012 20:22:41 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1502 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1497 23 votes 26357 75731 13658 14882 2a641 15665 45824 16691 23855 05747 1497 3.2 mean 3.4 2.4 3.7 3.3 2.7 3.4 2.9 3.1 3.3 3.6 --- 1502-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How is Justice best defined? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Justice is made of several things, mixed by centuries of ideologies and } social pressure. To successfully analyse these individual components } and thus get a better idea of the whole, it is necessary to "crack" } Justice in a suitable laboratory of sorts. This is done by taking every } reference to Justice in a single pile of books and papers and applying } heat. The taller the pile, the better. } } After a few hours, if heat was applied correctly, the lighter } components should be at the top and the heavier at the bottom. To } sample properly, select a random height of the pile and extract two or } three pages out of it. Read the keywords and most repeated words of } them and jot them down somewhere (preferably not on your pants). Do the } same thing at least 5 times and you'll have your first rough draft of } the components of Justice, listed by relative weight. Once you have at } least those five components, you... } } ...what? Oh, you said _define_... Well, this is awkward... Anyway, you } owe the Oracle three Kjeldahl Nitrogen Analysis kits. --- 1502-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it called a deca-cards? I thought deca was 10. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It still is. } } The origins of cards dates back to 59 B.C. Switzerland, then } called Confoederatio Helvetica, where the heads of the lead tribes } Tigurini, Poseidonios, Verbigeni and Toygenoi had eaten lunch and } dinner consecutively, resulting in a debate on how much cheese each } had had, the beer and how the former influenced the latter. (Their tab } being $65 and 46 cents, service not included) } The debate lasted until the fatigue caused by blood-loss became } so severe that none of the tribe leaders managed to stand, much less } swing anything. They then ordered something to keep the blood on the } inside and something to restore that which had already leaked out. The } bill then grew to about $97, 40 cents, not including service, damage } to property, and support to the widows and orphans created during the } altercation. The agenda then changed to a friendly discussion on how } to decide who owed what, relative to what they wanted to pay, what } they had wanted to eat, what they've got to pay, what they had eaten } and drunk, and the personnel's view on these matters. By the time they } had chosen to use small square cards to represent the individuals } financial burden towards the establishment, the bill had risen to $211 } nil. } Finally the general design was agreed on, with the notable } exeption of Toigenoi representative (who had fallen into light daze, } talking to his late fathers late uncle about which colour of cheese } would look good both in his ears and twixt his toes); ten cards of } ascending value from 1 - 10 were to stand for the debt to the } establishment, each card of each stacked marked by the icon of it's } representative tribe. then one could add up to three cards depending } on the quality of the service, as well as a wild card (called a } jester) if there was something noone claimed they had ordered. The } method of the system the cards would serve were never finalized nor } their final tab never calculated as the Romans invaded before they } could finish) } The tradition was carried on by the invaders however, and spread } out through the Roman Empire, and became the standard resturant-bill } settling tool with a variation of rules. In fact, in his epic "The } History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire", Edward Gibbon } states that: } } "...one of the main reason behind their [the Senate] condemnation of } Domitian's memory, were the fact that they never came out in favor } after a session of cards. The accumulation of complex, even } contradictory in some cases, rules were rapid due to Domitian's } autocratic nature and habit of saying 'You can't do that, it's against } the rules I just made!'. However, the incomprehensibility surrounding } the rules of cards helped Domitian maintain a ruthless but efficient } rule over the state, whose cultural, economic and political program } provided the foundation of the peaceful 2nd century." } } It's due to tradition therefore, it is called a deka(10) cards, } refering to each colour rather than the stack (consisting of four } deka). But feel free to add more when determining what to pay, as } waiters frequently have to live on jacks, queens and kings. } } You Owe the Oracle 135 points, 20% service and 12.5% tax to the } Glorious Roman Empire. --- 1502-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, please tellme how I can work with an IMPOSSIBLE > co-worker, one I despise and wish under dirt more than under my thumb. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I thought at first this was a duplicate submission, } but I checked the mail headers and the earlier one } came from your co-worker. Sorry, I already gave a } reply; replying to you now to would only counteract } the advice I already gave. } } You owe the Oracle greetings at your next job. --- 1502-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most Ornitological and Hydrodynamically Aware, > pray tell me and enlighten me: > > - How come the chicken drinks but does not pee? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well... you know... } } It's beca...... } } Owww what was it? } } Hang on... } } Yes! 42! } } No, no... } } does not pee... hmm..... } } So the chicken drinks.. and then..... } } noooo.. can't be that.... } } how strange.... } } Oh! I know! } } Because there is no 'P' in 'Chicken'! } } You owe the Oracle an line content checker. } } (P.S. Really? over 600 lines, lucky you didn't get got! Now that } really does remind me! *ZOT*) --- 1502-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Amsterdarn. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, we get off the plane at the next stop, Hecksinki. --- 1502-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew@mindspring.com The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that some people program computers for the hack of it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, the same way some incarnations answer questions just for pun. --- 1502-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Plus one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hardly. For proper golf, one wears plus fours and argyle socks. Nothing } else. --- 1502-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My brother sent me an e-mail note and says he wants to tell me all > about his cow orkers. Do I really want to know? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, his entire staff is full of bull. --- 1502-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I was trying to save things and gain some time by making it all > different, but it didn't work. Now I have a huge pile of junk, stuff I > really don't need, all mixed in with the critical items for tomorrow's > trial, where I have to show evidence. Where can I find some evidence, > fast? Nixon's tapes have an 18-minute gasp, so they won't do. > > Oh, and this time I spell checked everything so I won't look like and > idiot like last time. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello, you've reached the Oracle's Evidence Production Hotline. We can } meet all your needs from photographs of flags on the moon to birth } certificates from the state of your choice. Whether you want to prove } the existence of Bigfoot or cold fusion, we'll be happy to help. Please } listen to all our options as choices may have changed: } } If you'd like to place a new order, press 1. } If you have a question concerning an existing order, press 2. } For support for orders already delivered, press 3. } For all other inquiries, press 0 or stay on the line. } } *1* } } Thank you. The Oracle's Evidence Production Hotline will be happy to } assist you in placing your order. Please listen to all our options as } choices may have changed: } } Press 1 for evidence for mythological creatures. } Press 2 for evidence of supernatural events. } Press 3 for evidence for or against global warming. } Press 4 for evidence involving major political figures. } Press 5 for concerning the 9/11 attacks. } Press 6 for evidence admissible in a court of law. } Press 7 for evidence of WMD. } Press 8 for evidence of the superiority of various operating systems, } hardware, or programming languages. } Press 9 for evidence of activity on Google+. } For all other evidence requests, press 0 or stay on the line. } } *6* } } Thank you. The Oracle's Evidence Production Hotline reminds all users } that evidence used in a court of law should have the Oracle's Evidence } Production Hotline stickers removed prior to introduction as evidence. } Failure to comply may result in reduced confidence in the evidence from } the jury. Please listen to all our options as choices may have changed: } } Press 1 for fingerprints. } Press 2 for DNA. } Press 3 for deeds, wills, suicide notes, and other documentation. } Press 4 for murder weapons, spent casings, or ammunition. } Press 5 for gloves. } Press 6 for illegal narcotics. } Press 7 for photographs. } Press 8 for expert testimony. } Press 9 for witnesses. } For all other evidence requests, press 0 or stay on the line. } } *7* } } Thank you. The Oracle's Evidence Production Hotline's Photoshop } division is closed for a religious holiday, but will re-open the day } after tomorrow. Please call back between the hours of 2AM and 3:42AM } and we will be happy to take your order. Have a nice day! } } You owe the Oracle a grainy photograph of a man using Gimp on a grassy } knoll. --- 1502-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have prepared to meet my doom. Why is my doom taking so long to > come? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We are sorry to keep a priority customer like you waiting, but it's } all for the good of the environment.. } } You see, as part of the Oracle's "Going Green"-process, we have } connected the Staff of Zot to a giant hamster-wheel, operated by the } current Priest on Duty. (The "Green" part is when exhaustion makes } the priest throw up.) Anyway, since the priests aren't among the } fittest and strongest, recharging takes a bit longer than planned. } And I can't even zot them for it, because the we would have to start } all over again. } } We hope your doom will soon be ready. } } You owe the Oracle a bullwhip. That should speed things up a bit.