From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Wed Dec 12 13:15:52 2012 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.97) with ESMTP id qBCIFqIO008914; Wed, 12 Dec 2012 13:15:52 -0500 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id qBCIFq5I008911; Wed, 12 Dec 2012 13:15:52 -0500 Date: Wed, 12 Dec 2012 13:15:52 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201212121815.qBCIFq5I008911@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1509 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1509 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1509 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 12 Dec 2012 13:15:40 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1509 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1504 21 votes 17661 58242 35841 56721 56631 25950 21765 2a423 86331 28731 1504 2.7 mean 3.0 2.5 2.8 2.4 2.5 2.8 3.5 2.7 2.2 2.7 --- 1509-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the entomology of the word bug? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A bug is what you encounter when you try to use } a computer to look up the etymology of the word } etymology and find yourself in a recursisegmentation fault (core } dumped) } } You owe the Oraclsegmentation fault (YOTO dumped) --- 1509-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If bats could think and they created a superhero called Manbat, what > would he look like? Would he shave his body? Cut off his wings? Affix > his ears against his head? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Is this a joke, or a riddle? Or are you just being catty? How do I } know you don't have two faces about this? Is this just a story about } Red Riding Hood? } } Man, Simon says coming up with all these puns Hurts. } } You owe the Oracle issue #400 of DC. --- 1509-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Oracle vs. Sonic the Hedgehog: who wins? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Internet Daily - Unix Epoch 1355032800 } } *** SONIC THE HEDGEHOG AND THE ORACLE IN EPIC BATTLE *** } } The Internet's oldest and wisest prognosticator, known colloquially as } the Oracle, faced a pitched battle against the fastest of all blue } Erinaceinae, Sonic the Hedgehog, in a series of contests today. The } competition was held in a best-of-seven format, with events chosen by } asking random Internet users via unsolicited commercial e-mail to } suggest games of chance and skill. Users were promised an entry into a } raffle to win a free iPad, although no iPads were actually given out } and the entire survey was a ruse to collect personal information. } Contest suggestions were placed into a large bowl, which was promptly } thrown in the trash, and the organizers of the competition picked the } games they most wanted to see. } } The seven selected games were: } } 1. Trivial Pursuit } 2. Naked Twister (with Crisco) } 3. Underwater Basket Weaving } 4. A Footrace } 5. Hangman } 6. Skee-Ball } 7. Chess } } *** THE COMPETITORS *** } } Throughout the history of mankind, there have been many Oracles who } have been consulted by many mortals, and some immortals. The great } Hercules was told by the Delphic Oracle to serve Eurystheus, king of } Mycenae, for twelve years to atone for the murder of his own children. } It was the Oracle of Ammon who told King Cepheus to chain his daughter } Andromeda to the rocks of Joppa to appease the terrible sea monster } that was ravaging the coasts. That solution was never tested, though, } as Perseus saved the girl in the nick of time. } } With the advent of the electronic age, and especially high-speed e-mail } communication, the spirit of the Oracles found a new outlet, and we now } recognize another great Oracle, the Internet Oracle. } } The Internet Oracle is most famous for two things. First, he is never } wrong. Second, he cuts & pastes from the Internet liberally, without } ever attributing his sources. Wikipedia editors hate him. } } Sonic the Hedgehog is a drifter who lives as he wants. He hates } oppression and staunchly defends freedom. Although he is mostly } easy-going he has a short temper and is often impatient with slower } things. Sonic is a habitual daredevil hedgehog who is honest, loyal to } friends, keeps his promises, and dislikes tears. } } Sonic is known as the world's fastest hedgehog. Sonic's greatest } strength is his running speed, which is faster than the speed of sound. } Many of his abilities are variations on the tendency for hedgehogs to } roll into tight balls for protection with the addition of spinning his } body. Sonic's only weakness is that he cannot swim, sinking like a rock } if plunged to a deep body of water. } } With the seven Chaos Emeralds and fifty golden rings, Sonic can } initiate a Super transformation into Super Sonic, a faster and } invulnerable version of himself that can fly. He slowly loses rings in } this form, however. } } *** TRIVIAL PURSUIT *** } } The Internet Oracle took an early and commanding lead. Although Sonic's } answers came quickly, he rapidly lost ground to the slower Oracle who } consulted Wikipedia on a regular basis. The game was closer than } anticipated, however, thanks to the unusual inclusion of a "mealworms" } category, which Sonic excelled at. In the end, Sonic failed repeated } questions in the Sports History category, and conceded eventual defeat } at the hands of the Oracle. } } Oracle: 1 } Sonic: 0 } } *** NAKED TWISTER (With Crisco) *** } } The Naked Twister competition was delayed for several hours while the } Oracle argued with the judges over the requirement to be naked. The } Oracle argued that his clothing did not provide a material advantage, } but that requiring him to disrobe provided a material advantage in that } Sonic was already naked and thus did not require acclimation as the } Oracle did. The head judge, Lisa, eventually decreed that the Twister } would be played naked, and to ensure fairness she would personally } apply the Crisco to the participants. } } Once that issue was resolved to the satisfaction of all, the actual } game was finished within a few spins. Sonic the Hedgehog was discovered } to be allergic to the Oracle's aftershave, and engaged in a fit of } sneezing that nearly knocked him to the ground. He managed to stay } upright, however, his spines pressed into the Oracle's naked flesh, } drawing blood and causing him to crash to the ground in a splash of } Crisco. } } Oracle: 1 } Sonic: 1 } } *** UNDERWATER BASKET WEAVING *** } } Another potentially unfair contest, Sonic the Hedgehog suffered dearly } in the underwater basket weaving. Unable to swim, Sonic chose to hold } his breath and create his basket as quickly as possible. The resulting } creation was barely recognizable as a basket, and curried no favor with } the judges. } } The Oracle elected to use scuba gear, and spent several hours weaving a } four foot basket in the shape of a series of tubes. He demonstrated to } a panel of impressed judges that you could insert intelligence into one } end of the tubes, and receive complete drivel and cats out the other, } proving that he had indeed created a basket working replica of the } Internet. } } Oracle: 2 } Sonic: 1 } } *** FOOTRACE *** } } There were early objections to the inclusion of a footrace into the } competition, as it was viewed as pandering to the strengths of Sonic } the Hedgehog. The contest organizers agreed to make the footrace } global, requiring each competitor to run around the globe, thus } ensuring that a mix of both land and water running were required to } win. } } Sonic took an early lead, utilizing supersonic speeds to get off the } line early. There was some concern about his ability to swim, but it } proven inconsequential as he ran across the surface of the water. } } Meanwhile, the Oracle remained at the starting line, seeking rule } clarifications from the judges. Specifically he asked if a great circle } route was required of participants, or whether any circle of a sphere } would be permitted. There was confusion amongst the judges as to what } the Oracle meant by this, so a demonstration was made through the use } of a map, where the Oracle showed that a route from North America to } Japan, through Russia, to Europe and through Spain, and eventually } across the Atlantic back to North America clearly circled the planet, } but was actually a shorter path than a trip around the equator. The } Oracle made extensive mention of a previously undisclosed skin } condition, and undocumented doctor's orders to avoid prolonged exposure } to direct sunlight, while pleading his case to be allowed to take a } more northern route. } } The judges eventually permitted the Oracle's definition of a "run } around the globe", at which point he proceeded to walk in a small } circle, of no more than four feet diameter. There was much booing from } the spectators, but after an instant reply review, it was determined } that the walk had indeed met the definition as set forth by the judges, } and the win was awarded to the Oracle. } } Oracle: 3 } Sonic: 1 } } *** HANGMAN *** } } Sonic the Hedgehog went first at Hangman. The Oracle presented a } four-letter word, which Sonic immediately guessed JAZZ. When asked how } he was able to determine the word without guessing any letters, Sonic } replied "Easy! Before the game I googled 'Hardest Hangman Words', } knowing that the Oracle would choose the hardest word possible." } } Flush with confidence from his success, Sonic put a three letter word } out. The Oracle led with the letter A, which was the second letter in } the word. His second letter was an odd choice at B, which matched no } letters. He then chose C, which matched the first letter in the word. } At CA_, the match seemed destined to go to a second round. The Oracle } continued his alphabetical strategy, however, subsequently guessing D, } E, and F. He was eliminated from the game, at which point Sonic } revealed the word to be "CAT". } } Oracle: 3 } Sonic: 2 } } *** SKEE BALL *** } } There are no words to describe the calamity that occurred during the } Skee Ball match. The Department of Sanity in Press will not permit a } full retelling of the events, although this statement was offered: } } We sincerely apologize for the events that occurred this afternoon } at the Skee Ball tournament between The Internet Oracle and Sonic the } Hedgehog. Our lawyers have advised us to say that the outcome of the } game was not a foreseeable result of the actions taken by the contest } organizers, and we are in no way legally liable for damages, physical } or emotion, suffered by anyone present or viewing the contest. } } However, in the spirit of a greater humanity, we will voluntarily } pay all expenses related to the rebuilding of the arcade, as well as } the pier on which is was built. All spectators to the event will be } provided free Twinkies for life, or until Hostess ceases producing } them, whichever comes first. The families of those who deceased will } be provided a one month free trial to America On-Line as our way of } saying "Sorry." } } The contest organizers would also like to congratulate Sonic the } Hedgehog on a well-deserved win at Skee Ball. } } P.S. Shame on you, Oracle. There were families present at this } competition! } } Oracle: 3 } Sonic: 3 } } *** CHESS *** } } The final chess match was much anticipated by both Sonic and Oracle } followers. Sonic had said before the game that he believed it would the } fastest chess match in history, and chess fans from around the world } flew in to watch this epic pitched battle. The game was played with } people in costume serving as figures on a large board, while the } participants stood in a raised platform overlooking the board. } } Sonic lead the game off as white, moving pawn to f3. This elicited some } murmuring from the audience, and is still considered a risky move that } provides few options for white. } } The Oracle responded by moving king's pawn to e5, immediately } establishing dominance over the center of the board. } } Sonic responded immediately with a very quick move, moving pawn to g4. } It is still not clear what Sonic's intention was here, but he may have } mistaken his king for his queen, and was looking to move her to the } side of the board. } } The Oracle thought deeply before ordering 2..Qh4#, thus ending the game } on his second move, and recording the fastest chess game in history. } } Oracle: 4 } Sonic: 3 } } *** CONCLUSION *** } } The Internet Oracle would beat Sonic the Hedgehog. You owe the Oracle a } working replica of the Internet. --- 1509-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > At work, they want me to **** for ***** because ***** ***** *****. > Of course, this is all secret, so if you see ***** instead of what > I actually asked, just answer the question as if it hadn't been > censored. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Damn well better keep it secret. ******* ****** ******** is illegal and } immoral, and if you get caught you'll spend the rest of your short life } in the slammer getting **** ****** by people you'll wish you didn't } ever meet. } } Oh well, it's your life. It's your *. --- 1509-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does my water tap keep leaking and makning noises that keep me > awake And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have it supplying tap water, so you hear that annoying, "Tap, tap, } tap." } } Arrange for it to supply spring water instead. "Boing, boing, boing," } is much more mellow. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Scotch for his drinking water. --- 1509-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Let's roleplay. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Great. I'll be the strict but good-looking teacher, and you } can be the naughty student who has to serve detention, and } you ask me how you can earn some extra credit for that class } of mine that you are failing, and I casually suggest... wait, } there's been too much of that sort of thing in the news lately, } people have gone to jail, I'm not comfortable. Let's don't do } that. } } OK, I'll be the doctor. You're the patient who comes in with a } nagging sore throat that just won't go away. I insist that there's } only one way to cure the problem properly, and you're a little } bit shy at first but soon decide to go along with it, and... } wait, if you're sick, then won't I eventually get an infection } too? I'm sorry, that just spoils it for me, even if it's all } just fantasy. You understand, right? } } How about you be the pool cleaner, who comes inside to take a } break on a hot day, and I'm the owner of the house and I offer } you a pitcher of lemonade, and I'm wearing a swimsuit that } reveals my assets, and I suggest you and I go upstairs and... } no, no. Those workers are on a tight schedule laid out by the } home office these days, there's no way to work in some games with } all their cellphones, and GPS devices, and probably neighborhood } spies too. } } Oh, let's keep it simple. I'll be the Master, and you'll be } the lowly slave. You know what I am about to ask you to do is } degrading, but you know you have no right to object, and you're } somehow excited and repulsed at the same time, and I... oh wait, } there's that pesky Emancipation Proclamation of January 1, 1863. } No can do. } } I know. We'll just be two gamers, and we'll play Dungeons & } Dragons. That'll work. It'll be better anyway - those other } ideas don't really lend themselves to D&D anyway, and they } sounded kind of suggestive now that I think about it - you } always have such a dirty mind, why didn't you say something? } } You owe the Oracle a course of treatment for Obsessive-Compulsive } Disorder. --- 1509-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can two really live as cheaply as one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, if the one is Donald Trump. --- 1509-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Shouldn't the Bestofs be in reverse order, so as to save the best for > last? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } .daer ot woh wonk t'nod tsuj uoY .era yehT --- 1509-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It has been said that colleges are places where pebbles > are polished and diamonds are dimmed. If so, then what > is graduate school? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Expensive. --- 1509-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi, I'd like to report something. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Begin typing on the top left of your paper. Use 12 point Times New } Roman font. } } 1. Place your name, your teacher's name, your class, and the date. } Double space between each item. } } 2. Next, double space down and type your title. Center the title. } } 3. Double space below your title and begin typing your report. Indent } with a tab. Note: MLA standard format for the title of a book has } changed from underline to italics. } } 4. Remember to end your first paragraph with a thesis sentence! } } 5. Your name and page number will go in a header at the top right } corner of the page. You can insert this information after you type your } paper. To do so in Microsoft Word, go to view and select header from } the list. Type your information in the header box, highlight it, and } hit the right justify selection.