From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Dec 24 08:28:24 2012 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.97) with ESMTP id qBODSOvo000915; Mon, 24 Dec 2012 08:28:24 -0500 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id qBODSOPW000912; Mon, 24 Dec 2012 08:28:24 -0500 Date: Mon, 24 Dec 2012 08:28:24 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201212241328.qBODSOPW000912@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1510 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1510 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1510 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 24 Dec 2012 08:28:13 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1510 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1505 23 votes 14891 25565 18761 235a3 14378 28850 76622 24854 16745 16547 1505 3.2 mean 3.2 3.3 2.9 3.4 3.7 2.7 2.4 3.2 3.3 3.4 --- 1510-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It's trash day today. What should I throw out? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your wife just asked me the same question, and if she follows up on my } advice, you won't have to worry about that much longer. --- 1510-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do new computers still have hard drives? SSDs are cheap enough > now. And if your junk won't fit on 64 to 256 GB then buy an external > hard drive. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Too many people look at price per gigabyte instead of "price per what I } actually need," and aren't really aware of the performance hit imposed } by latency. } } None of that cheap junk compares in any way to my omniscience. I don't } have to worry at all about obsolescence or disk } craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa } aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa } } <<<<<<>>>>>>>> } } Oops. Sorry about that. At least I have a recovery system. } } You owe the Oracle a better error-trapping system. --- 1510-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that the Oracle supports private massaging? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. This new app is explained in a forthcoming pubic } service announcement. } } You owe the Oracle a towel. --- 1510-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Greetings, > > I am Zlorg, from the planet Chromiax Five. We were passing through your > solar system, when we struck a strange object that appeared to be a > malfunctioning satellite recently launched from your planet, tumbling > out of control. It struck the rear space thrust deflector, limiting the > speed of our craft to no more than one parsec per hour. > > Could you please direct me to the nearest spacecraft repair facility, > or, if there is none within walking distance, at least let me borrow an > interplanetary communicator to dial planetside assist? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Certainly. First, let me apologize for our North Korean } friends who caused this problem for you; they recently } graduated from Roman candles, and still have a kink or } two to work out in their satellite delivery processes. } } Planetside Assist has yet to set up a suitable contract } station nearby to deal with needs such as yours; they } were recently in negotiations with a site on the outskirts, } when suddenly Pluto was entirely decommissioned as a } planet, a manifestly political move that outraged many. } Haven't heard much from Pluto since then, come to think } of it - I think they may have pulled up stakes and } relocated somewhere, maybe Alpha Centauri, which doesn't } do you any good of course. } } Fortunately, there is an option. I can recommend a garage, } named Area 51, that has highly trained engineers who will } take apart and put back together your vessel. If they } can't repair your deflector, I'm sure they can replace it } with something that will work just as well; they operate } the best interstellar "pick and pull" lot on the planet. } They see a lot of spacecraft like yours, although they } operate basically by word-of-mouth and without any } advertising. } } While in their waiting room, be sure to ask them for a } complimentary vivisection - beings such as yourself } assure me it is to *die* for! Actually you shouldn't } find it necessary to ask, they never forget. } } You owe the Oracle a phone call home. --- 1510-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Very funny. Now give me back the batteries to my hearing aid. } } You owe the Oracle a set of spare batteries too. --- 1510-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I owe the Oracle WHAT? Are you crazy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course I'm crazy. It's the only thing that's kept me from going } ins... wait, that's a cliche. Here is a list of disorders from the } DSM-IV, and what the Oracle demands if he's suffering that disorder } on a particular day. } } Disorder Payment } -------- ------- } Amnesia Spare car keys } Anorexia nervosa A stalk of celery } Antisocial personality disorder A video game } Attention deficit disorder Sorry, wasn't listening } Bipolar disorder Glitter!! or, meh, nothing } Cocaine dependence Cocaine } Delirium tremens A good single-malt } Delusions of grandeur Every single YOTO, ever } Dissociative identity disorder At least two of something } Exhibitionism A camera } Gender identity disorder A change of clothing } Hypochondria Penicillin } Insomnia Another question from you } Kleptomania Nah, I'll get it myself } Narcissistic personality disorder A mirror } Obsessive-compulsive disorder $10,000, stacked and sorted } Paranoia And just who wants to know? } Pica A jar of paste } Post-traumatic stress disorder A helmet and ear plugs } Premature ejaculation A bedsheet and a kind word } Premenstrual cramps Just shut UP, ok!?!?! } Psychosis CoLoRlEsS gReEn IdEaS } Sadomasochism A date next Saturday night } Seasonal affective disorder A sunlamp } Sleepwalking Steel toed bedroom slippers } Stuttering M-m-m-m-mo-mo-mon-money } Testosterone poisoning A TV remote and a beer } } You owe the Oracle one of each - we've had a tough week. --- 1510-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > They say too much TV or computer can lower your testosterone. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: What do sports enthusiasts claim? } Alex Trebek: That is correct! The Internet Oracle takes the lead with } $400. } Oracle: I'll take "End of the World" for $200, Alex. } Alex Trebek: "The immediate cause of the end of the world." } Johnny Lingo: Does this have something to do with cows? } Alex Trebek: That is not correct. } Thor: What are ice giants? } Alex Trebek: That is not correct. } Oracle: What is Kim Jong Un's hair? } Alex Trebek: That is correct! The Internet Oracle now has $600. } Oracle: I'll take "End of the World" for $400. } Alex Trebek: The Amundsen-Scott Station } Thor: What do I get when I whack my radio? } Alex Trebek: That is not correct. } Johnny Lingo: Where does Mahana want to go on vacation this year? } Alex Trebek: That is not correct. } Oracle: Where is the end of the world? } Alex Trebek: That is correct! The Internet Oracle now has $1000. } Oracle: I'll take "End of the World" for $600. } Alex Trebek: October 21, 2011 } Johnny Lingo: When did I officially slide into obscurity? } Alex Trebek: That is not correct. } Thor: When did I officially slide out of obscurity? } Alex Trebek: That is not correct. } Oracle: On what date does the end of the world occur? } Alex Trebek: That is correct! The Internet Oracle now has $1600. } Johhny Lingo: Hey, wait a minute! Are you saying that the world } already ended? } Thor: Yeah, how come we didn't notice then, huh? } Alex Trebek: You're fictional characters. It didn't affect you. } Thor: Then how come it didn't affect YOU, huh? } Alex Trebek: Oh, look, it's time for a word from our sponsors! } } } You've worked all your life to provide a good home, a good education, } and lots of cheesecake to your loved ones. And now the Mayan } Apocalypse is threatening to take all that away. } } } } But don't worry! We here at KaiserMetFlac of Omaha have a plan for } you! For a small fee, we will insure your lives and all of your } property against destruction by Mayan zombies. Don't let the Mayan } zombies ruin your day! Call the number on your screen right now, and } have some peace of mind. Ask about the low-cost robot rider on the } insurance policy! } } } Thor: Oh, yeah? Well, all it would take is one good whack with } this hammer and NONE of your cows would ... uh ... } Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Jeopardy! The Oracle is leading with } $1600. Thor and Johnny Lingo both currently have $0. } Oracle: I'll take "End of the World" for $800, Alex. } Alex Trebek: An asteroid. } Thor: The cause of the end of the world! } Alex Trebek: Please state your answer in the form of a question. } Thor: What is the cause of the end of the world? } Alex Trebek: That is not correct. } Johnny Lingo: What formed the Pacific islands? } Alex Trebek: That is not correct. } Oracle: What do many people incorrectly believe will cause the } end of the world? } Alex Trebek: That is correct. The Oracle now has $2400. } Oracle: I'll take "End of the World" for $1000, Alex. } Alex Trebek: I'm sorry, but we've just received word that a large } asteroid is about to enter Earth's atmosphere, and its } probable point of impact is, in fact, this studio. We } need to evacuate immediately. } Johnny Lingo: What is an ironic statement? } Alex Trebek: No, I'm not kidding. We've got to get out of here, fast! } Thor: What is an unbelievable statement? } Alex Trebek: Seriously, guys. We've got to go, now! } Oracle: What is a deus ex machina? } Alex Trebek: That is correct. } Oracle: Alex, I'll take "Self-Referential Questions" for $100. } ... --- 1510-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zadoc and I were at the barbershop the other day. Two } chairs, no waiting, you know, so we both sat down. Asked } for the full treatment, shave and a haircut. } } When almost finished, my barber reached for the bottle of } aftershave lotion. "No no, none of that," I commanded, "if } I come home smelling like that, Lisa will think I've spent } all afternoon in some whorehouse." } } "What about you," the other barber asked Zadoc. "You want } any aftershave?" } } Zadoc thought a moment. "Why not," he said, "my girlfriend } doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like." } } You owe the Oracle two bits. --- 1510-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I hate my nose. I look in the mirror and tell my nose, "I hate you. > There is no uglier nose on the planet. On three planets. In the Entire > Universe. Or even in Hoboken." > > Does my nose hate me for this? Does it want me to say I love it even > though I hate it irregardless? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nah, noses are like dogs; both love you unconditionally, and both } smell. --- 1510-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What does my Oracle want for Xmas? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The same thing he's wanted for Thxgiving, Hal'ween, Lab Day, Indy Day, } Mem Day, Mom Day, E-er* (such as a choc'l't E-er bunny), St. Pat's Day, } and Val's Day. With int'rest.