From oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu Mon Jan 7 18:19:23 2013 Received: from newman.cs.indiana.edu (localhost [127.0.0.1]) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/IUCS_2.97) with ESMTP id r07NJNdL004948; Mon, 7 Jan 2013 18:19:23 -0500 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by newman.cs.indiana.edu (8.13.8/8.13.8/Submit) id r07NJNSC004945; Mon, 7 Jan 2013 18:19:23 -0500 Date: Mon, 7 Jan 2013 18:19:23 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <201301072319.r07NJNSC004945@newman.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #1511 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.cs.indiana.edu/ftp/faces === 1511 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1511 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 07 Jan 2013 18:19:12 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line, or go to http://www.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/ or http://www.internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1511 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1506 21 votes 42843 25a31 33474 78321 36723 17292 16b12 26463 47721 07752 1506 2.9 mean 3.0 2.8 3.3 2.1 2.8 3.2 2.9 3.1 2.5 3.1 --- 1511-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I was writing to you last year about problems with my house, where the > paint keeps falling off. Only I wrote "horse" and it's only one letter > different. What an idiot I am. You never spell anything wrong because > you are too smart. Except once you spelled my name "Fred Mouse" instead > of Fred Morse. > > Anyway, so the paint falls off. To complicate matters I do have a Paint > horse, which is of course a Quarterhorse with too much white color on > it to be registered under the old AQHA rules. So the people with those > horses said, "Fine. We'll make a new association, the APHA. We'll call > our houses Paint Horses." And yes, sometimes I do fall off my Paint > horse. But that's not a problem. I just get back on again. > > The paint on my house does not get back on again. > > What should I do? > > What would you do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } Your house paint is peeling because you did not prepare } the surface before applying the most recent coat. Indeed, } "Prepare The Surface" is wise counsel in any endeavor. } For instance, I started out this reply, first with your } missive as written, but before typing anything fresh I } sanded it down to this: } . } } It still contained the pith of what you were saying, and } it made a good basis for what I have written here. As } you'll see, the words are sticking nicely to the surface } of your monitor or viewscreen or teletype machine. And } even when you come back to this Oracular gem a month or } a decade from now, the words will still be as legible as } when I typed them. } } Now, just to make my point clear, here is an example of } what a reply to you would have looked like if I had not } scraped your inquiry properly: } } >> DearsSupplicant, you last year about problems with my house, where } >> the Yourthousespaintiis peelinglbecause youhdidnotaprepare only one } >> letter thefsurfaceWbefore applyingatheYmosterecentecoat.ytIndeed,ong } >> because you "PreparesThetSurface" } >> iscwiseucounseldinyanymendeavor.ouse" instead of } } Do you see? Portions of your message have already bled } through. I expect by the time the Priests see it, it will } be in even shabbier shape, like this: } } >> De sSup li t, you last year about problems with my house, where } >> the Y urth sesp ntiis el glb au e yo h idn tap e re only one } >> letter } } There's no subsitude for taknig pried in won's werk. } } You owe the Oracle a new paintbrush. --- 1511-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I came up with an interesting idea for a skit or sketch (I'm not sure > which). I got the idea from my seminary class. A guy is playing Let's > Make A Deal with host Monty Hall and is offered $100 million. He can > keep it, or trade it all for what's in the box. But first he gets to > see what's in the box: absolutely nothing! No, wait, it's NOT nothing. > Upon looking closer, he realizes it's (symbolically, after all) eternal > life in heaven. Does he make the trade? > > And that was as far as I got. What happens next? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Guy: So I'd get a bunch of angel figurines, one of which has a picture } of my face taped on it?? } } Monty Hall: No, no, of course not! What's in the box is just symbolic! } The real prize is eternal life in heaven! } } Guy: Which heaven? } } Monty Hall: Huh? } } Guy: Well, yeah, I guess the assumption would be that I'd go the } Christian heaven, but aren't there a ton of other heavens out there? } } Monty Hall: Well, yes, I suppose, but- } } Guy: Are we talking about eternal life in Valhalla? That's nice, I } guess, but I don't think I'd really fit in... } } Monty Hall: Really, you're thinking too much about- } } Guy: Or Elysium? Wouldn't everybody there speak ancient Greek? } } Monty Hall: Please, just- } } Guy: Or maybe this "heaven" we're talking about is really some hellish } afterlife that you created for the specific purpose of torturing me for } all eternity? } } Monty Hall: I really- } } Guy: And how do I know that this whole "eternal life in heaven" thing } is not a hoax? What's to say that you have power over afterlife } placement? } } Monty Hall: Alright, Guido, what's it going to be? } } Guy: I'll take the money. --- 1511-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > He ran away??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I dub thee the Stupid Question Troll. Why do you bother? All you're } doing is showing everyone what a witless dullard you are. We know. } Mission accomplished. --- 1511-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Trading the euro is easy! Start your free trial today! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay, I'll trade you Norway and Belgium for Austria and that little bit } between Germany and France. } } I will pass on the trial, however. The last one I had ended costing me } $5,000 and my drivers license was suspended for a year. } } You owe the Oracle a can of spiced ham from Hormel foods, with a } pineapple garnish. --- 1511-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear asshole, why did you allow the roof to leak today in my apartment > complex. You inconvenienced a lot more people than me, I can assure > you. Was it really worth it to harm them just because you were so > spiteful that you wanted to hurt me? The location you chose was not > even the one that would have maximally inconvenienced me. > > So even when you try to attack me, you show yourself to be an inept, > unjust piece of shit. Do you really think you will be able to get away > with this act? People are on to you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why do you think I was attacking you? I assure you that I did no such } thing, and you were not the target of my attack. When I strike, it is } swift, just, and merciless. } } In this case, there was a dust mite who had been quite rude to an } elderly dust mite, and I drowned him for it. The inconvenience to you } and your neighbors was an unfortunate side effect of justice. But } still, the mighty wheels must turn, wrongs must be righted, and so } forth and so on. So go on happily, knowing that you were not actually } in trouble at all, but merely a hapless bystander afforded the rare } opportunity to personally witness justice being swiftly delivered. } } You owe the Oracle retribution for your foul language. Bring a mop. --- 1511-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wise and Powerful Oracle, > > Do fat-bottomed girls really make the world go round? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not always. When they sit down, they make it go concave. --- 1511-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I weighed a bottle of regular beer and a bottle of light beer, and you > know what? They weighed the same! > > What other lies have those marketing guys been telling us? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Silly supplicant! You have to DRINK some of the light beer before you } weigh it. Otherwise you cannot be sure that it really is light beer. } Drink until you see a faint glow around your nose. That is the light. } } Now consider for a moment the regular beer as it is usually sold, in } cans in a case. There are 24 cans in a case, and there are 24 hours in } a day. What does that suggest to you? Get busy!!! --- 1511-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wow. Talk about irony. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here in the oracular business I see a lot of borony (too many borons), } a lot of mercury (when overheated incarnations start insulting } supplicants contrary to my suggestions) and not enough silvery. } } You owe the Oracle plenty of silvery coins, 90% Ag, 10% Cu. --- 1511-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There's also the question of how to interpret the AFR. > > a) Is it one argument, or a bundle of distinct arguments? > > Reppert divides the argument into six subarguments, but are > these six distinct arguments from reason, or are these six supporting > arguments for the same basic argument? > > b) For instance, is dualism essential to the AFR? Take an > idealistic version of atheism like McTaggart's idealism. Everything > would be mental. > > Yet that would still be vulnerable to the AFR. Mentality is > not interchangeable with rationality. Take the clinically insane. > > c) Likewise, some people I've read think this is about the > determinism/indeterminism debate. That if our beliefs are determined, > then our beliefs are arbitrary. But I think that objection misses the > point of argument. > > Seems to me the AFR isn't targeting the general principle of > determinate beliefs, but beliefs determined by a mindless process. > > By the same token, the AFT would also target accidental > beliefs. Beliefs which result from a stochastic process. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Rather than answer your questions directly, Sergeant Paine will help } you out. I will now step out and have a drink, and return when he is } finished. Have fun! } *** } } Interpret the AFR? Are you MENTAL? You should have the Air Force } Regulations MEMORIZED, Airman! } } No, the AFR is not a collection of arguments! It's a collection of } rules, rules for how to live your life! Rules on how to get dressed, } how to talk, what to do at work, even how to brush your teeth! You do } brush your teeth, don't you Airman? You do? It sure smells like you } don't! I think you need to read the AFR again! } } Reppert? I don't know nobody by the name Reppert! Sounds like a wimpy } name to me! Is he from Texas? Because you know there's only two things } that come out of Texas! Which one are you? What? I couldn't hear you! } Speak up, you wimp! } } The Air Force Regulations are not about atheism! In fact, I know for a } fact that you have a God! You're looking right at him! Now get down } into a praying position! } } What? That's not a praying position! Maybe that's how you prayed in } your church back home in Texas, but in the church of Sergeant Paine, } you pray in the forward leaning rest position! Back straight, toes and } hands on the floor, arms straight, head looking forward! There you go! } } What on earth are you prattling about with this } determinism/indeterminism stuff? Your world is deterministic! I } determine what you do, and you do it? Any more stupid questions? No? } Good! } } Now take this toothbrush and scrub these toilets until they're clean } enough to eat out of. And get a hurry on, we're going for a short five } mile jog at zero four hundred! } } *** } } Ah, I see Sergeant Paine has left. Why are you on the floor? And why do } you have my toothbrush? Oh my god, are you putting my toothbrush in the } toilet? What is wrong with you? You owe the Oracle another toothbrush. --- 1511-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are you enjoyning the new year? What does it have in store? > Particularly what new veggies at Wal-Mart? I'm getting tired of > broccalli or however you mispelll it. How about Persion Mellons? Or > Canadian Pineapples? > > Or over in the wine department they could start carrying Newfie > Screech rum. Imported from Newfoundland or St. Pierre or China or > somewhere. Hmmmm, eh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 2013 will be a banner year for new vegetables at Wal-Mart, as Wal-Mart } discovers that manufactured foods are cheaper than those grown the } old-fashioned way, with farms. Let's look at how this plays out over } the year: } } January: Building off "designer foods" introduced by other companies, } Wal-Mart begins sales of skinless apples and rindless watermelons. } Fruit sales increase, as do the sale of napkins and napkin-like } products. } } February: Moving beyond minor modifications to existing fruit, Wal-Mart } begins creating new crossbreeds. Among the more popular new foods are } the coconut grape, the BBQ rib lettuce, and the bacon banana. } } March: After the success of the crossbreed foods, Wal-Mart introduces } completely new foods. The first is the seafood patty, although others } follow in rapid succession. This patty is grown on a vine in hydroponic } farms, and forms in the size and shape of a hamburger patty, but has a } flavor that resembles fresh grilled swordfish. Caviar popsicles, on the } other hand, become an Internet meme as they flop in the marketplace, } and are withdrawn within a week. } } April: Wal-Mart begins sales of completely engineered meals. Resembling } bento boxes, these meals contain an appetizer, a main course, and a } desert, but are not separate foods packaged together but rather a } single complex fruit grown by a genetically engineered plant. } Complaints arise that the skin over the dessert portions can be } particularly hard to remove, especially with the provided wooden knife } that grows in the box but often has dull serrated teeth. } } May: Wal-Mart introduces the first fully synthetic food, other than } Hormel Spam, by introducing synthetic steaks. Priced cheaper than } regular meat, and without any fat, it proves surprisingly popular. } } June: Wal-Mart rapidly swtiches out most food products for synthetic } versions. Wal-Mart food factories spring up across the American } midwest, converting petroleum products into cheese, potato chips, and } fruit salad. } } July: Wal-Mart announces that they now sell 85% of all food sold in } America, and 90% of that food is fully synthetic. Hormel stock } plummets. Farms across America cease farming activities, leaving } already planted crops in the ground to rot. } } August: Wal-Mart stops all sales of any product derived from a plant or } animal, citing safety concerns. Through intense lobbying, they convince } Congress to pass a new law prohibiting the possessing, manufacture, } sale, or ingestion of any "natural" food. Exemptions are made for } Native American reservations, federal prisons, and anyone named Larry } who lives at 35 Elm Street in Brooksville, IN. A minor scandle erupts } when it is discovered that the chief food scientist at Wal-Mart is } coincidentally named Larry Fitzgerald, and he does indeed live at that } exact address. For the most part the public accepts the explanation } provided that it is a pure coincidence. } } September: Various left-wing groups unite to stop Wal-Mart from taking } over the entire American food supply. Environmentalists, animal rights } activists, anarchists, socialists, and performance artists join forces } to create Occupy Wal-Mart's Stores (OWS). Thousands of protesters camp } out in front of the main entrance of Wal-Marts across California for } two weeks before Wal-Mart's specially trained SWAT teams conduct a } massive coordinated sweep of all affected locations, rounding up the } protesters and taking them away in unmarked vehicles. They are never } seen again. } } October: Realizing that people will buy anything if it's cheap enough, } combined with a new supply of raw materials, Wal-Mart introduces } soylent green. Thanks to its low price, it immediately becomes a best } seller. } } November: Responding to strong demand, soylent green is made available } in different colors and flavors. Purple soylent boysenberry quickly } outsells all other soylents combined, and by the end of the month, } constitutes 73% of all food sold in America. } } December: Wal-Mart introduces Bacon Wine, imported from El Paso, Texas. } Wal-Mart is unable to keep up with demand, most stores are sold out } within minutes of opening, as agents of a mystery buyer purchase all } the wine as soon as it hits the shelves. As supply dwindles, bottles } sell for thousands of dollars each on eBay. The identity of the mystery } buyer is not discovered, but in unrelated news, the Internet Oracle's } responses become increasingly slurred and unintelligible. } } You owe the Oracle an effective hangover cure.