From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Sun Sep 14 18:18:08 2014 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-x32KaRl@internetoracle.org Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id C44AE100B2D; Sun, 14 Sep 2014 18:18:07 -0400 (EDT) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1541 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20140914221807.C44AE100B2D@kinzler.com> Date: Sun, 14 Sep 2014 18:18:07 -0400 (EDT) From: oracle-request@internetoracle.org (Internet Oracle) === 1541 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1541 Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler) Date: Sun, 14 Sep 2014 18:17:56 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1541 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1536 17 votes 25550 11555 22562 12770 25352 17171 32264 43730 22a30 22283 1536 3.1 mean 2.8 3.7 3.2 3.2 3.0 3.0 3.4 2.5 2.8 3.5 --- 1541-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Tim Chew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A penguin walks through that door right now wearing a sombrero. What > does he say and why is he here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He's here to inspect the doors. He asks, "Why is that door wearing a } sombrero?" --- 1541-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why, oh why, did I ever decide to major in philophosy? We're supposed > to be learning about Immanuel Kant. "Kan't" is more like it. I can't > figure him out at all. The more I read the less I know. Is he a > scientist or a mystic? Plato's World of Forms, as crazy as it is, makes > more sense. > > Does everything really reduce to a French Absurdist Play of the 20th > Century, perhaps La Cantatrice Chauve, by Ionesco? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your lack of understanding is likely due to the fact that you are a } philo-pho-sy major, which the Oracle can only assume is a fusion of } Vietnamese cuisine and the art of thinking. What you must understand in } order to understand philosophy is that philosophy is not meant to be } understood - it is, in fact, the world's longest-running hybrid of } practical joke and party game. To begin playing Philosophy, you will } first need a copy of the rules. They are as follows: } } Rule 1 - Making a philosophy is defined as writing a lengthy, dense } diatribe on an abstract subject that can never be proven or disproven. } Your initial score is determined by word count and by impenetrability } as defined by a panel of judges. How are the judges determined? If you } can determine who the judges are, your philosophy fails on the grounds } that it is not dense enough. } } Rule 2 - Your philosophy cannot have any concrete value to anyone, at } any time. Should anyone be able to generate anything of actual value } using your philosophy, you are disqualified. } } Rule 3 - Bonus points are awarded for each accepted academic paper } written about your philosophy, which are doubled if any of those papers } form their own philosophies. How many bonus points? Like the judges, if } you can ever determine how many, your philosophy fails. } } Rule 4 - Revealing any of these rules to outsiders is considered to be } poor form for non-players, and an offense punishable by } disqualification for anyone playing the game. } } As for your second question, La Cantatrice Chauve is definitely on the } high-score list, but is nowhere near being the highest scorer of all } time. That would go to the people who invented string theory. However, } the Oracle encourages you to attempt your own entry into the game of } Philosophy using your specialized major. Perhaps you could start with a } theory that if you really look at it, everything is just like a warm } bowl of pho. } } You owe the Oracle one bowl of pho with extra beef. --- 1541-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the essence > of adolescence? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Belief in immortality in spite of one's immorality. } "Hey, guys, watch this!" --- 1541-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sometimes we even succeed in failure. The original plan was that I'd > hire a coach who would help me get my life organized. Someone, perhaps > it was you, pointed out that a railway coach is expensive to hire. I'd > be paying for unused seats, so why not hire a single seat instead? > > Like most advice I receive, that sounded quite good. But I did need > extra seating for two or three friends, so, I thought to myself, three > seats in a sofa, or couch. > > So instead of hiring a coach I've hired a couch. > > I still don't know who to get my life organized. Can you help? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I certainly can! I may have to grow a few potatoes on that couch, } though; this can be hard work. --- 1541-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Was she kidding? Or should I do it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Kidding is done by female goats. Pregnant female goats. They usually } seek a secluded area, away from predators. That means it is unusual to } see them kidding, so I can understand your perplexity. } } No, you should not try it, because I have it on good authority that you } are not a pregnant female goat. --- 1541-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Christians say the Father and the Son are one. Are you also one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Christians say Trinity } Is their Divinity: } The Father, the Son, and the Ghost. } } The Supplicant's Oracle } Sails in a coracle, } And sea water dampens his toast. } } Look! His religion'll } Be more original... } ... connection was dropped by the host. --- 1541-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't speak } I know just what you're saying } So please stop explaining } Don't tell me cause it hurts } } Ooh.... } } You owe the Oracle a Doubt. --- 1541-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Lawrence, Mark" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > She said it was her "time of the month" - what did that mean? I > thought I knew, but I was wrong. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Thyme of the Month." It's a paid-membership service for herb } collectors and cooks. They send you some kind of edible leaves. The } hazards are obvious. --- 1541-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > const minimumGrovelCount = 254; > > for(int i = 0; i { > string grovelString = getGrovelString(random(minimumGrovelCount)); > console.write(grovelString); > } > > console.write(getexistentialquestion(rating.awesome, > demeanertype.funny)); > > while(waitforanswer) > { > sleep(5000); > } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Several problems. Here are a few: } } The numbers are too small--a bigger grovel count and a longer wait } period are needed. } } The algorithm as specified can return, bu chance, too many copies of } identical grovels. Originality counts in grovelling, you know. Perhaps } you should use getOriginalGrovelString() instead. } } You might also try to ensure that each grovel string is terminated or } is limited in some other way to a finite length. --- 1541-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When I get out of high school I want to be a pundit. They get mentioned > in the news allot like politicians and bombers and soldiers but I don't > think they have to kill people. Can you tell me some good ones to get > me started? All I have now is that stale one about "no pun in ten did." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When I was young, I wanted to be a pop star. I was Adam Ant. } } Later I changed my mind and wanted to be a DJ, until my friends told me } to jacket. } } Then I wanted to become a mathematician. It was an integral part of my } life. } } I told my career advisor I wanted to become a chemist. No reaction. } } She suggested I became a telescope manufacturer instead. I said I'd } look into it. } } I took a temp job making mirrors for telescopes, but my first one went } wrong. It reflected badly on me. } } At university, I wanted to be a historian until I realised there was no } future in it. } } I took a part time job in a Greek restaurant. I had a smashing time. } } I had a job as transport manager for an orchestra. That took a lot of } brass. } } I was a magician's assistant for about a year before I decided I didn't } like being tied down. } } I worked in an Apple store for a while before the sexism drove me out. } It wasn't very PC. } } In the end I wanted to become a priest until I learned I wouldn't make } a prophet. } } Then I became a philosopher. At last I had found my Nietzsche. } } You owe the Oracle a career map for a cartographer.