From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Wed Sep 23 12:57:42 2015 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-8z2MfBl@internetoracle.org Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id 28D3C1008DE; Wed, 23 Sep 2015 12:57:42 -0400 (EDT) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1556 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20150923165742.28D3C1008DE@kinzler.com> Date: Wed, 23 Sep 2015 12:57:42 -0400 (EDT) From: oracle-request@internetoracle.org (Internet Oracle) === 1556 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1556 Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler) Date: Wed, 23 Sep 2015 12:57:30 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1556 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1551 17 votes 14480 24560 26711 01844 14624 23624 53171 02582 06731 23660 1551 3.1 mean 3.1 2.9 2.6 3.6 3.2 3.2 2.8 3.6 2.9 2.9 --- 1556-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Would you mind re-explaining for me the difference between apoplectic > and apocalyptic? You used both of theose words in an answer as if > they were synonyms for each other or at least for something, and as > a result I am even more confusticated than I was perviously. > > I don't want the dictioonary definitions, but instead by what YOU mean, > Humpty-Dumpty and all. > > Oh, and you will be pleases to know that this time I left the > auto-corect truned off, so that my typographiucal errors won't get > changed into things I didn't moan to say. that sort of thing has > ruined my questions in the pass. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Being apoplectic } can be quite hectic } } whereas apocalyptic } can be quite cryptic } } With auto-correct } one must genuflect } } on questions most terse } or worse, figuring out how properly rhythm a bad verse. } } You owl the Oracle a Stanza. Nissan preferred. --- 1556-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is a cow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The old answer is, "Mu." } } But you want the New Answer: "Yes. Why is a cow. Moo is on } first, and Cud's on second." } } You owe the Oracle a book you write yourself, entitled, "Abbot & } Costello is the new Zen." --- 1556-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do you give me such difficult questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Truth be told, it's a systematic problem. We run out of easy questions } several years back and have been forced to create increasingly complex } questions, with all the cost that comes with that. We've exhausted } all the venues - sports questions, cat questions, dog questions, } questions about sandwiches, and so on. Our business area projects that } by 2019, 90% of questions will relate to particle physics, pre-Sumerian } archeology and financial derivatives (the only subject matter whose } complexity grows faster than our questions about it). Unless there's a } significant technological advance in daytime tv that creates more inane } subjects to ponder, we'll be out of business in 2021, if not sooner. --- 1556-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please introduce me to the Dark and Stormy Knight. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I can't; he's too involved with Lady Gingerbeer to be bothered. --- 1556-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please helo me. I qan't fignre out how to wrote code in Java or > script. N0thing works.here is a exsample. > > int j==1; > cout < "J is"", } "how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a } woodchuck could chuck wood", } "duos that girl like me", } "Why", } "I love you", } "Tell me something, and make it really funny, and } really long", } "Is it going to rain tommorow", } "What dye do you use for your hair", } "When is the next digest coming out?", } "Why is the sky blue", } "Please helo me. I qan't fignre out how to wrote } code in Java or script. N0thing works.here is a exsample." } --- } "]), } print "?" } print "thanx" } ------------ } } you owe the oracle the result of this program. --- 1556-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm all about the whether today. What is the percentage chance of > probability? 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And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, now this IS an interesting question! Thank you, mortal, for making } my otherwise dreary day more enjoyable by giving me such a devious and } well devised cryptogramic question. } } Now, lessee... first, run this through a sanitizing program to remove } the fluff meant to misdirect those who might try to decipher such a } message without truly knowing how. } } C:\Utilities\Defluff.exe question.txt /lvl=1 /attempts=15 } /crypto=DES4096 } } processing... } 10% complete } 20% complete } 22% complete } 84% complete } Completed. Results in answer.txt } } Ok, great. Now, to take answer.txt and convert that to binary. } } C:\Utilities\TxtToBin.com answer.txt -o binary.txt } Processing...complete. } } Ok, now to take THAT result, and switch back to EBCDIC. } } C:\Utilities\Bin2EBCDIC answer.bin } processing... complete. } } Great! Ok, now let's read the REAL question: } } Dear Oracle, } Help! I'm being held captive by a Nigerian Prince with a large supply } of cheap Viagra alternatives! How can I escape?? } Love, Bill Nye, The Science Guy } } Great Scott! Ok Bill, calm down. The answer is easy if you take it } logically. Next time he approaches, discuss the graphic qualities of a } nude Hillary Clinton. Once the shock hits him, overpower him and } escape through the window on your left. NO, your other left! Once } free and before you leave the compound, look for and destroy every } single computer you find. Then, relay your coordinates to the United } States Missile Command. Explain your situation, then run like hell. } You'll have about 23 minutes. } } You owe the Oracle a more advanced operating system. --- 1556-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Some teachers grade on a "curve"; do others grade on more a "straight > ball"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Some teaches grade on a straight ball, but mostly they have different } types of curves.Here is a small sample of most common methods: } } The most common curve is the "Trick question." The teacher throws the } ball right at your hands where you studied hard for and are sure to } catch it, but when she grades you, you find the ball for some reason } ended up bouncing around the far side of the court. The technique } here involves twisting the ball towards the top right, making it go } left and down at the same time. } } A second method is the "Not on study guide". In this move, the teacher } throws the ball way out into the stands. You give up, thinking it's } out, just when it crashes hard into your jaw. The technique here is to } throw it at a light post, so it can bounce back into the stadium. Other } methods exist also. } } The third method is the "Both answers work." In this method, the ball } bounces left and right in such a random fashion that you will always } grab on your wrong side, except you never notice until the grading } is done. Trick is a spin to the left, and then using the force to } change the spins direction in mid air. } } The most common straight technique that actually works is the "T/F } disguised as a essay question" This technique involves aiming right } between the eyes, or right at the eye, of the student. The ball has } to be really fast, and is supposed to make you blink at just the } wrong moment. } } Be sure to be prepared for these techniques! Your grade could depend } on it. } } You owe the oracle that you and 20 friends take the SAT in November } and get a bad grade so mine is relatively higher. --- 1556-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ---- > | | > * * And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That is a pie table. The model shown rolls about on casters, providing } greater value but less precision. Although the view you presented shows } only two wheels, there are actually four, which is the usual } approximation if the pie is evenly rounded. (The usual rounding of pie } to three (or more vulgarly to three and a seventh) is odd, and gives } rise to the euphemism of "swearing the circle.") } } The value for pie (or four pie, for purists) is useful when computing } "pie are square". } } You owe the Oracle four pie: Blueberry, Apple, Custard, and Pumpkin. --- 1556-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me why it is impossible to speak the Polish language. (It > would seem that blending Hawaiian into Polish would give a less > troublesome Sprachkunst.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, on the South Pole, there are only penguins, and they don't say } much. On the Northpole, you would be attempting to communicate with a } polar bear - be aware that this is a crime in Norway - and promptly } get eaten. } } Hawaiian seems like a much bette choice. } } You owe the Oracle an OS replacing Tux the Penguin with some much less } nerdy Hula Hula girls.