From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Wed Mar 2 15:21:28 2016 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-8z2BfBl@internetoracle.org Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id C601D100608; Wed, 2 Mar 2016 15:21:27 -0500 (EST) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1561 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20160302202127.C601D100608@kinzler.com> Date: Wed, 2 Mar 2016 15:21:27 -0500 (EST) From: oracle-request@internetoracle.org (Internet Oracle) === 1561 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1561 Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler) Date: Wed, 02 Mar 2016 15:21:16 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1561 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1556 20 votes 41762 24743 15590 45371 16454 21854 11468 30863 12755 24842 1556 3.2 mean 3.0 3.1 3.1 2.8 3.2 3.4 4.0 3.3 3.5 3.0 --- 1561-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did the Good Lord invent women? They're such dangerous creatures. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One fine day around the Beginning of Time the Good Lord was bored. } It's really boring when everything you have Created is Good. } He said to Adam, "May I borrow a rib?" } } Adam handed him the jawbone of an ass, and the Good Lord said, "We } won't be needing that until Judges 15:16. Why don't you just } take a nice nap?" } } So Adam lay down to sleep, and God Created Woman. } } Nothing's been the same since. --- 1561-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does the after before thing whenever if in when her the age > question does cheese and if when neither so lemon curry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sometimes a question is so unique that it contains its own answer. Your } question (congratulations!) is one of those. It's more than unique, } even more than doubly unique!!! It is so unique that it flew out the } window, bounced off the "gazing ball" garden globe next to the cabbage } shredder, and returned inverted, where an astonished Zadoc took it to } be half of a micro-droid. } } Valiantly, Zadoc attacked it with his flyswatters. All of them now lie } shredded on the floor, mixed with what is left of the cabbage. } } Your impossibly unique question is victorious, and has won the Grand } Prize for Multiple Uniqueness. } } You owe the Oracle a question that is 16 times as unique as this one } was. Wait! The competition is gaining on us. Make that 64 times as } unique. --- 1561-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Buy your watches here- http://goo.gl/8xMcwz > > a fy iphei ikp vxr ys > > ohnh jmp c y az jrt > > h zoln gej lhfpi q hd > > mesz w jxoh be tbi ls > > ylkjo bw vbtb qexlf wttnx vemg > > awa plrmi k sgm gx nz > > xizp i m fy ffvwg bqxo > > at uvta r am tuqp hndod > > anq lqksx zj ohe ufehc kx And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's not what I meant when I said I wanted you to answer "in your own } words." --- 1561-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Don't you hate it when a sentence doesn't end the way it octopus? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No it does not bother me at cranberry. In fact sometimes its quite fun } to nose. Anyway, fetch me the staff of enjoyment. } } You owe the Oracle a circle. --- 1561-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me how I can stop Donald Turnip. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Perhaps Celery Clinton can Beet him. --- 1561-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Enough already! I asked you about the French word "soupcon" > and finally, FINALLY I figured out that it has NOTHING TO DO > WITH SOUP. Mostly. Or soup-spoons neither. Mostly. It means (get > this!) "suspicion"!!!!!! > > As if THAT had something to do with cooking. > > Harrumpph! > > NOW I am suspicious!! > > Why would the French use the word for suspicion as if it was a > cup-full or a soup-spoon-full? "Add" (the recipe said) "a SOUPCON of > tabasco sauce." > > So I put in a soup spoon full. > > Whooo-wheeeee! You don't need that much. The godddam recipe lied to > me, it did. My eyeballs were on fire!! > > What's with this suspicion? > > As I said, it makes me suspicious. Especially about anything French. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, young sir, it has EVERYTHING to do with SOUP! } } Las Vegas, NV January 2017 Reserved seating still available. } } SOUP CON '17! } } With all the latest gadgets, gizmos, toys and flavors available to any } connoisseur. } } That's right, get your soup on! Featuring these vendors! } } Apple, Microsoft, BMW, Campbell, Oreo, Marlboro, Hershey, Disney, Franco } American to name just a few! } } See, the world's LARGEST Cup-O-Soup! } } Come taste new sensations. Cabbage & Pear, Musk, Ketchup & Mustard, and } let's not forget Mort-Aux-Rats! } } Tickets on sale NOW! } } You owe the Oracle a smidgen of hot sauce. --- 1561-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dang it, I got a $1300 refund (actually $800 from one and $500 from > another), and now I feel rich! What should I do now! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are various ways to use up extra money. The most common are drugs } and alcohol, but playing the lottery is right up there, along with } investing in some enticing scheme for which a Former Nigerian Prince } has selected YOU ALONE as his partner in recovering lost wealth. } } All those paths are for losers. After the money runs out you still need } more drugs or alcohol, and you end up hovering around supermarket } parking lots, "Hey, buddy, can you spare $2 so I can buy a hamburger? I } haven't eaten in three days?" Worse luck if you use that identical line } on the same guy two days in a row. } } The lottery? You get back only $60 for every $100 you put in, if that } much. } } And you already know all about the Former Prince. (NO, not THAT Prince, } not the unpronounceable sign, but instead the one who asks for your } bank account number.) } } So what to do? } } Invest in ORACULAR ENTERPRISES instead. Here at our headquarters in } Former Bloomington we (that's Zadoc and I) have a multitude of } businesses that should get going Real Soon Now, and all we lack is } sufficient start-up capital. But don't just send off your $1300 without } a plan. Instead, get all your friends to pool their money together for } you, promising to pay each of them $7 at the end of the month for each } $5 they put in now. Pay off the current investors with the new money } coming in. You can easily see that as long as you have a good and } growing number of friends you will soon be rich enough to invest not } just $1300, but $130,000 or more in my businesses. Maybe even } MILLIONS!!! } } What do I promise you in return for your money? Omniscience! I will } grant you the power of knowing EVERYTHING!!! Including HOW TO BE } RICH!!!!!!! Yes, that's within my ability, because (as you already } know) I already know everything, including how to teach you how to know } everything. } } Now I can understand that you may doubt me. DO NOT DOUBT ME, this is my } true area of expertise, and you can be sure that the correct was to } succeed is to bring in somebody who knows success. } } I can tell you are still doubting. You are thinking, "Why doesn't this } so-called omniscient idiot just use his smarts to get money without } bothering me? And WHY ME" } } Ahh, but there's the beauty of it. I know how to appeal to your innate } greed, and that's what I am doing. Alone we would both fail, but } together, with your greed and your ability to gather your friends in } helping, you will further all our goals, and I will, I mean WE will } become unspeakably rich. You are UNIQUELY QUALIFIED for this task. No } other person has what you have, and it's exactly what I need, hence my } invitation to you. } } Simply send me your back account number, and don't forget to get all } your friends (and THEIR friends) involved in investing, the more the } faster, and the faster the quicker. --- 1561-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I know about the board game called The Game of Life, but what if there > was a Game of Death? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are playing it right now. If you'll just hold still for a moment... --- 1561-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do people say 11/10? The scale stops at 10. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Try rating my omniscient knowledge that way. You can't even begin to } imagine the difficulty of mapping an infinite set of numbers to a } finite scale. You would not even get up as far as zero and you would } already be wrong, while I'd be out there way ahead of you in the } frumptillions or beyond. } } As you also should have already known, a similar difficulty arises when } you make a naive attempt to accomplish differential calculus on a } computer, because your epsilon/delta definition of limit fails at the } discontinuity at the boundary between zero and the smallest } representable non-zero number. } } You owe the Oracle (just for the point of illustration) a teensy-weensy } portion of eleven tenths of a frumptillion pennies. --- 1561-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We know what'll happen if we invent the better mousetrap. > > What are the consequences of inventing the worser mousetrap? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } More mice.