From owner-oracle-archive@kinzler.com Thu Dec 29 08:43:08 2016 Return-Path: Delivered-To: oracle-distrib-2l2NeBl@internetoracle.org Received: by kinzler.com (Postfix, from userid 65534) id B17DD100453; Thu, 29 Dec 2016 08:43:07 -0500 (EST) To: oracle-list@internetoracle.org Subject: Internet Oracularities #1569 Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be used with www.kinzler.com/ftp/faces Message-Id: <20161229134307.B17DD100453@kinzler.com> Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2016 08:43:07 -0500 (EST) From: oracle-request@internetoracle.org (Internet Oracle) === 1569 ================================================================= Title: Internet Oracularities #1569 Compiled-By: steve@kinzler.com (Steve Kinzler) Date: Thu, 29 Dec 2016 08:42:56 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1569 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1564 24 votes 14865 12b55 0aa40 23865 36573 143a6 05874 033b7 15873 27555 1564 3.3 mean 3.4 3.5 2.8 3.4 3.0 3.7 3.4 3.9 3.2 3.2 --- 1569-01 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle who knows which products will give you the rash, > > Why is it that Gene Wilder never collaborated with Sean Connery? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How soon they forget. Alice in Highlander, The Woman in Red October, } The Little Prince of Thieves, Rising Sunday Lovers, The Name of the } Rhinoserose, The Red Woman of Straw, and my favorite, The World's } Greatest Train Robbery Lover. --- 1569-02 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh? Who was the first? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Correct. Who's on first. } } You owe the Oracle a well-executed performance of the } Abbott-and-Costello Hebrew Lesson. } } ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson. } COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn. } A: Now, the first thing you must understand is that Hebrew and } English have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean } the same thing. } C: Sure, I understand. } A: Now, don't be too quick to say that. } C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's simple-some } words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean } the same. } A: Precisely. } C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew? } A: No, no. Precisely is an English word. } C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So } make with the Hebrew. } A: Fine. Let's start with mee. } C: You. } A: No , mee. } C: Fine, we'll start with you. } A: No, we'll start with mee. } C: Okay, have it your way. } A: Now, mee is who. } C: You is Abbott. } A: No, no, no. Mee is who. } C: You is Abbott. } A: You don't understand. } C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who? } A: Yes I did. Mee is who. } C: You is Abbott. } A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee. } C: Well, you're a nice enough guy. } A: No, no. Tell me about mee! } C: Who? } A: Precisely. } C: Precisely what? } A: Precisely who. } C: It's precisely whom! } A: No, mee is who. } C: Don't start that again-go on to something else. } A: All right. Hu is he. } C: Who is he? } A: Yes. } C: I don't know. Who is he? } A: Sure you do. You just said it. } C: I just said what? } A: Hu is he. } C: Who is he? } A: Precisely. } C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who? } A: No, precisely hee. } C: Precisely he? Who is he? } A: Precisely! } C: And what about me? } A: Hu. } C: me, me, me! } A: Hu, hu, hu! } C: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me? } A: No, hu is he! } C: I don't know I maybe he is me! } A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT) } C: Do his parents know about this? } A: About what? } C: About her! } A: What about her? } C: That she is he! } A: No, you've got it wrong-hee is she! } C: Then who is he? } A: Precisely! } C: Who? } A: He! } C: Me? } A: Hu! } C: He? } A: She! } C: Who is she? } A: No, hu is he. } C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she? } A: No, that's not right. } C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I } said it, and I know me. } A: Hu. } C: Who? } A: Precisely! } C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me! } A: No, hee is she! } C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little } Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review. } A: Go ahead. } C: Now first You want to know me is who. } A: Correct. } C: And then you say who is he. } A: Absolutely. } C: And then you tell me he is she. } A & C: Precisely! } C: Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he. And he } is she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she? } A: Who? } C: She! } A: That is he! } C: Who is he? } A & C: Precisely! } C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home. } You know what I want? Ma! } A: What. } C: I said Ma. } A: What. } Q: What are you, deaf? I want Ma! } A: What! } C: Not what, who! } A: He! } C: Not he! Ma is not he! } A: Of course not! Hu is he! } C: I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he, } he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and } play with my dog. } A: Fish. } C: Fish? } A: Dag is fish. } C: That's all, I'm outa here. --- 1569-03 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are you still answering questions, and if so, why not? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it's one for the grovel } Two for the dough } Three so I can ZOT you } and I'll do it NOW! } } But don't you } ask 'bout the brown w**d ch*cks } Well you can do anything } But stay off those brown w**d ch*cks } } Well, it's } Brown, brown } brown w**d ch*cks } Brown, brown } brown w**d ch*cks, yeah! } Brown, brown } brown w**d ch*cks, baby! } Brown, brown } brown w**d ch*cks } Well, you can do anything } But stay off of those brown w**d ch*cks! --- 1569-04 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are there monsters in my closet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All the monsters in your closet are totally imaginary. You can get out } of bed and go and look if you doubt me. } } You are so fortunate to have a helpful Oracle available to save you } from Dark and Fearsome Horrors. I live underneath your bed, } composing answers while you sleep, which is why you never } see me. And rarely if ever do I cackle, snort, or reach out } to grab your ankles. } } Cackle. } } Snort. --- 1569-05 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the symptoms of high libido? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Great excitement at any hint of a glimpse of a Freudian slip. --- 1569-06 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You said, perhaps in haste, > } That's not how keyboards work. > } That's also not how jokes work. > > But, but, they DID. They did so! They DID!!! > > Every time I ask you a question I am so absobumptly THRILLED to get > some sort of answer that is not one of Milton Berle's jokes, but > instead something partially different. Do you do that with partial > differentials? I think my car needs one. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We're going to need a bigger bad pun jar, Zadoc. --- 1569-07 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it me or you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am you. --- 1569-08 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: twchew The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Good plural for a mongoose please. All I've been able to figure out > is, "Please send me a mongoose. While you are at it, please send > me another." It's probably not mongeese or digoose. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, supplicant, you've missed the key point. The reason that } there's no linguistic plural for "mongoose" is because there's no } *physical* plural for "mongoose". There is always, and has only ever } been, one ophiophagous herpestid -- the trick is, it goes back and } forth through time so as to exist in multiple places at once, like } with electrons (or rather, like with *the single electron*). } Therefore, we cannot send you mongooses, mongeese, mongice, mongices, } mongen, mongoosen, mongi, mongii, mongiii, mongiv, mongeeth, mongeet, } monga, mongae, digoose, digeese, trigoose, trigeese, polygoose, } polygeese, polygoosen, or polygooses. We can only send you the } mongoose. If you need more, we can send it to you again. } } You owe the Oracle a chemistry textbook that explains molecular } bonding in terms of mongoose exchange. --- 1569-09 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is best in life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That would be Henry R. Luce, who was also the best in Time, Fortune, } and Sports Illustrated. } } You owe the Oracle a time-travel luncheon expedition to Carbur's } Restaurant in Hadley, Massachusetts. It was famous for having booths } with strange names. There was of course the John Wilkes booth and } (appropriate to our purposes right now) the Clare Luce booth. } } I realize that we are far into the has-to-be-explained in-joke } territory, but that's one of the hazards you encounter when you ask a } question of a Wise Guy who is tremendously smarter than you are and } whose immortality allowed him to see 1975 first-handedly. } } Explanation: Clare Boothe Luce was Henry's wife. --- 1569-10 -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oops again. By mistake I'm asking about Yakaturian V. Parmenter. It's > not a person, but instead a legal case. Yakaturian and Parmenter want > to hate each other, so they have filed a lawsuit. > > Please tell me how to sweep up lawsuit filings. Steel filings you can > get with a magnet. These don't. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You can create a new magnet to pick up steel filings by rubbing a } piece of steel against a magnet for several hours. } } Similarly, you can create a new lawyer to pick up lawsuit filings by } rubbing a piece of steel against a lawyer for several hours. } } Sorry, let me try again: } } You can force a lawyer to pick up lawsuit filings for a tenth of their } standard fee by rubbing a piece of sharp steel against them for } several hours. } } You owe the Oracle a clean joke about legal briefs.