From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Wed May 29 18:30:05 1991 Path: news.cs.indiana.edu!widener!iggy.GW.Vitalink.COM!lll-winken!uunet!looking!funny-request From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Steve Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Best of Usenet Oracularities #251-275 Keywords: various Message-ID: Date: 29 May 91 23:30:05 GMT Approved: funny@looking.on.ca === 251-275 - 4.0 ======================================================== Title: Best of Usenet Oracularities #251-275 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 29 May 91 23:30:05 GMT Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants. This collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #251 through #275 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as among the funniest. To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup alt.humor.oracle. --- 270-10 01239 4.3 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great and manly/feminine (depending on the incarnation) Oracle, what > is it that she thinks of me, this firm blonde woman I love so dearly? > Moreover, why can I get my finger to stop bleeding ever since I took a > small divot out of it trying to open a can of mandrine oranges? It'll > seem okay for a while, but then it starts bleeding again? Where is > Mister Rogers when you need him, and is he going to be in Maddona's next > video? Why is it that men like the curves on women? Why is the sky > blue? Why is the wall blue? Why is my terminal screen -- oh, just a > second, got my sunglasses on. Anyway where is Kermit the Frog now, > after Jim Henson died? I heard he got into a pretty bad crowd. Why is > it that there is dried blood on my keyboard? Why is the world spinning? > Why ask why? Try Bud Dry. My god, it's full of stars! What does MC > Hammer call his personal organ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > What is it that she thinks of me, this firm blonde woman I love so } > dearly? } } I shall ask her subconscious... [hiatus] ... I can see why you } feel the way you do, and from the little tingle I sensed within her when } I mentioned your name, I know she has strong desires. Of course, it may } simple have been the sound of my blessed voice that excited her. } } > Moreover, why can I get my finger to stop bleeding ever since I } > took a small divot out of it trying to open a can of mandrine oranges? } > It'll seem okay for a while, but then it starts bleeding again? } } Mandrines have very long, sharp teeth. Next time, make sure you } buy known brand products, and then the cans will more likely to have } been irradiated to kill the little blighters. To stop the bleeding, dip } your finger in the syrup from the can, and say the words `It's full of } stars'. } } > Where is Mister Rogers when you need him, and is he going to be in } > Maddona's next video? } } Kenny will no longer be appearing live in concert, he will } however, appear quite dead in a video clip with Maddona for her latest } hit "Once, Twice, Three times a Virgin". } } > Why is it that men like the curves on women? } } The male fascination with female curvature arises, basically, from } early childhood experiences with the curves and straights in toy train } sets. All young boys quickly learn that you need curves to make } anything that's worth putting your choo-choo near. A few souls discover } a slight variation, realizing that you can't go round with straights. } } > Why is the sky blue? } } All of the universe is made up of the primary colours Red, Blue } and Green in equal quantities (thus, the Sun produces white light, a } perfectly mixed combination of these colours). Unfortunately, when } earth was forming, most of the Blue component (which is lighter, and as } such rises) bubbled to the top of the atmosphere. This gives rise to } the unusual colouring on the earth: Green and Red living things. Man, } for example, is a Red creature. A grape is a green creature (although } red ones do exist). The only Blue creatures are a few birds and fish, } which worship Blue, and so try to make themselves Good in its light. A } similar occurence happens with humans, where many try to look white or } black, or some other colour, each believing their Colour to be greatest. } } > Why is the wall blue? } } Take off your sunglasses. } } > Why is my terminal screen -- oh, just a second, got my sunglasses on. } } The Oracle is truly all-seeing. } } > Where is Kermit the Frog now, after Jim Henson died? I heard he got } > into a pretty bad crowd. } } Kermit, the poor Green One (he was high in the Priesthood here), } was so distressed at Jim's death, that he left his world of good } friends, and turned to the Dark Toads to seek a reason for his loss. } Unfortunately, during the initiation ceremony, where frog stand in the } sun for 4 weeks to turn themselves all dry and warty, Kermit simply } crumbled to a mass of felt fibres with two little plastic eyes on top. } } > Why is it that there is dried blood on my keyboard? } } You are SUCH a slow reader! Put your finger in the syrup NOW, you } are losing blood. } } > Why is the world spinning? Why ask why? } } HURRY! } } > Try Bud Dry. } } No! The syrup! } } > My god, it's full of stars! } } Okay, phew, now on with the questions... } } > What does MC Hammer call his personal organ? } } It's just the thing he nails with. } } You owe the Oracle a date with the blonde. --- 275-06 00285 4.2 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHY ISN'T THE EARTH FLAT? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately the usual answer lies in physics. A rotating disk the } size of the Earth is not gravitationally stable. The result would be } a rather unusual asteroid field. } } The REAL answer is more interesting. It all comes back to a } conversation that I had with God several millenia ago. As I recall, } it went something like this... } } God: So Oracle, what do you think of the new universe? } } Oracle: Good effort. I give it a 7. } } G: WHAT! } } O: Well, er, um, the Earth is flat... } } G: Yes. Your powers of observation continue to astonish me. So what? } } O: A flat disk has to have an edge, so what holds the ocean in? } } G: It just pours off in a continuous, enormous waterfall. Quite } beautiful really. I'm particularly proud of the spectral effects when } the Sun is just coming over the horizon. } } O: I do not doubt the artistic value of a flat Earth. However, what } happens when the Earth runs out of water? } } G: Well... I'll just scoop it out of space and drop it on top again. } I'll call it "rain". Lots of nice salty rain with the occasional } fish. Animals will appreciate the free eats. } } O: Salty rain will be highly corrosive, and the dead fish will smell } terrible. Also plants don't like too much salt in the ground. } } G: Picky, picky. I guess I will have to extract the salt and fish } from the water first. } } O: What will you do with the extra salt and fish? } } G: I will build magnificent statues of Me. People will say, "God sure } is handy with salt and dead fish". } } O: Great. Very impressive. I can see it now, a mile high statue of } You made entirely of sea salt and dead fish. } } G: Now that you put it that way, I can see that there might be an } image problem. Fine. I'll just make the Earth round and forget any } kind of artistic merit. I like rain though. In fact, I can think of } a few specific uses for really heavy rain. } } O: You'll thank me in the end. } } There you have it. You owe the Oracle the entire Diskworld series. --- 264-02 11418 3.9 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty and most Truly Interesting Oracle, whose boots we are not > worthy to lick, and whose peacocks keep us up all night with their noisy > lovemaking, > > Why is it that a new Oracularities Digest comes out every two days -- > and yet whenever I send an "Ask me" I am informed that there are no > questions to answer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } FROM THE FILES OF INTERNET IGGY, MASTER DETECTIVE } ---- --- ----- -- -------- ---- ------ --------- } } The sun was beating down on the back of my neck like a blackjack as I } opened my office door. It was only then that I realized that some } cheap hood had made off with my ceiling. I made a mental note to track } him down, then realized I was out of mental notepaper. It was not } going to be a good day. } } The figure I saw lurking behind the diffenbachia added more evidence } to support that conclusion. He was about five-four with a pasty-white, } pimply complexion. A piece of gold wire supported a pair of glass } billiard balls in front of his eyes. A white plastic flap with the } letters "IEEE" hung from his shirt pocket. Behind it rode an amazing } collection of pens, pencils, screwdrivers, and a Radio Shack logic } probe. His clip-on tie languished at the bottom of his open collar. } His lips were moving. } } "Mr. Iggy, I may have a case for you." } } "Teriffic, as long as it's Jack Daniels. In quart bottles." } } "I work with computers for a living..." } } "How did I ever guess?" } } "...and I'm missing something very important." } } "I'm not the guy you should talk to then. Look in the yellow pages, } under 'Urologists'. Or is that 'Penologists'?" } } "You don't seem to understand, Mr. Iggy. I am in contact with a } certain, er, Oracle. Or should I say, I used to be in contact with } him. I would ask him to ask me questions. Then after I asked him to } ask me the question, he would answer with a question in answer to the } question I had asked asking for the question. This question in the } answer I would then have to answer, and then answer the Oracle with } the answer to the question he had asked me in answer to the question I } had asked him asking for the question..." } } "Wait a minute, I'm asking the questions here." } } "No, it's the Oracle. Or at least it should be, but it isn't. You see, } the question I have is that when I ask for a question whose answer is } a question I answer..." } } "Try that again, geek, and you'll have a gum-wad's-eye view of the } linoleum." } } "In any case, the Oracle does not reply. Mr. Iggy, I need you to find } out why. I need the answer to the question of the missing question... } *O*O*F*!" } } I'll give the little guy one thing. He knew the one way to take a } Florsheim to the solar plexus. With great pain. } } "OK, Brainiac", I said, "let's get something straight. I'm not going } to repeat myself, and I'm not going to say it again. _I'M_ asking the } questions around here! And if you don't like it, go see Dashiell } Hammett!!!" } } "Urgh... you're... (gasp) ...brilliant!" } } I drew my '38 and swivelled around to see who had walked in. Then I } realized that he was still talking to me. } } "Me? -er- so you figured it out, finally?" } } "Yes, Mr. Iggy! (*cough*) You're asking the... questions around here! } So _you_ are in p-p-posession of the missing questions!" } } I went to my filing cabinet, carefully stepping on the geek's hand on } the way. From the center drawer I removed the file every detective } worth his flat feet should have. It was labelled } } ##### } # # } # } ### } # } } # } } "You got that from the Oracle!" the geek pronounced. "You stole it!" } } "Yeah, I pinched the questions file. So what? You know how boring it } is around here? Nothing to keep me occupied but slinky dames, booze, } fabulous wealth, and mystery. I've gotta have a little fun you know. } Here, take it. But be damn sure to leave it up for anonymous FTP." } } "But how can I ever repay you?" } } "Just keep out of my site. But there is one thing." } } "Anything! Name it!" } } "You owe the Oracle a brown fedora and a pack of unfiltered Luckies." --- 263-07 11193 3.8 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mistah Orcul, > > I'm'a tryin' ta git mah revenge on a dad burned old bastard used to be > mah frend afore he done me wrong. What I wanna know is, should I just > shoot him, or be sutl and crewl and just smash in his haid with a > mallot? > > Thank ye. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > env LANGUAGE = cornpone } } Wall, Jed, it awl 'pend 'pon jes what that there rscal done to ya. If'n } he a'stole yer horse, then yer gotta hang'im. If'n he done stole yer } woman, then yer gotta shoot'im. If'n he done used up awl of yer } computer account tahm, wahl then yer gotta get really mean, an' tear out } his lungs a'through his nostrils. } } If'n it's anythin' else, then yer best be is tuh tie him to a big ole } brass bed, an tuh leave only one hand free, ya see? Then ya paint all } the fingernails on that hand with rattlesnake poison, ya see? Then ya } dump a whole box a fahr ants atop'n the bed, and sit aroun' an' wait for } 'im to start a'scratchin'! Heee-ya, that'll be fun! } } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Cassel's English-Texan/Texan-English } Dictionary. --- 265-10 12246 3.8 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > As you so rightfully predicted, here's the haiku: > > Mighty Oracle, > tell me how to defrost my > refrigerator. > > We aim to please... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is omniscient. That doesn't mean, unfortunately, that it is } infallible. Sometimes, the Oracle is just STUUUUUPID. This makes 5,643 } **DIFFERENT** haiku asking how to defrost a refrigerator. The Oracle } has to supply a different, creative answer to each one. And this one is } the least inspired of them all. Haiku are supposed to have layers of } meaning and deep, natural symbolism. Feh. Having answered the first } 5,642 with haiku about how to defrost the refrigerator, the Oracle has } decided to branch off to something different. } } A graduate student of Science } With a malfunctioning major appliance } Could not read instructions } Or make simple deductions } And had lost all of his self-reliance. } } His freezer was not self-defrosting } And the gathering icepack was costing } Him the work of three years: } Frozen pizzas and beers. } To go shopping was MUCH too exhausting. } } He foresaw his demise from starvation, } Then he suddenly found inspiration: } "The Oracle knows } How to banish ice floes! } I shall tell it the whole situation!" } } "O Oracle!" the grad student said } "Can you save me from what I most dread?" } Help me conquer the frost! } I care naught for the cost!!" } The answer came back, and it read: } } "There's an answer; the Oracle knows it: } Crawl into your icebox and close it. } The heat your producin' } Will make the ice loosen. } If your genitals freeze - well, so goes it!" } } The Oracle always replies } To the questions that come to Its eyes } But there's always a price } For Its Holy advice: } You owe It two large pizza pies. } } With mushrooms and extra cheese. --- 269-09 02425 3.8 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You didn't listen to my advice and got too close to the black hole, } didn't you? I told you, not even can escape the } deadly grip of the hole's gravity once you cross the event horizon. The } answer to your question is: "No, you can't make it back in time for } Twin Peaks. You're stuck in limbo for good." } } You owe the Oracle a tachyon custard pie. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. So many people use "joke" or "submission" like I was expecting something else?