From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Fri Dec 20 16:08:28 1991 Newsgroups: alt.humor.oracle Path: news.cs.indiana.edu!kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu From: Steve Kinzler Subject: Best of Usenet Oracularities #276-300 Message-ID: <1991Dec20.210917.28389@news.cs.indiana.edu> X-Face: %Mz-_My%|8Y#+Dghgh,Owh]Y.wswC(Sr"9$Yxo>,y2|lC]st $*`Oi=Xk;O-^xC=eu>[1;(HMb(!:`;V$i'=z{ZjV x.g*4`x70T3%o3O=[3*ZxF6Z12vu` Sender: daemon@news.cs.indiana.edu X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University Date: Fri, 20 Dec 91 16:08:28 -0500 === 276-300 - 4.1 ======================================================== Title: Best of Usenet Oracularities #276-300 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 20 Dec 91 16:08:28 -0500 *** As far as I can tell, this edition of the "Best of the Usenet *** Oracularities" never made it onto rec.humor.funny. It was accepted *** but may have gotten dropped or forgotten somewhere along the line. *** So, I'm posting it here for everyone's enjoyment. -kinzler Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants. This collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #276 through #300 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as among the funniest. To find out more about the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup alt.humor.oracle. --- 293-03 0033b 4.5 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What did the Tibetan monk say to the hot dog vendor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The most famous exchange between a lama and a hot dog vendor occurred } one block south of Times Square in July 1988. } } Hot Dog Vendor: What can I get for ya today? Footlong } with the works? I said, what can I get } for ya today? Hey, ya wanna hot dog or } not? Listen if yer not going to order } willya move on, I gotta business to run. } Stop starin' at me, man. And wipe that } silly grin off yer face. Say something, } dammit, yer givin' me the creeps. Hey, } I get it. Ya don't any English, do ya? } Uh, lessee, yo, uh, tengo los, uh, hot } dogs, uh, perros calientes. Okay, fine! } just stand there. See if I care. Just } don't scare away the customers. Jeez. } Forget it. Ya wanna Coke? Coca-cola? } I don't care where yer from, ya gotta } understand "Coca-cola". Coca-cola? } Stop smiling. People'll think yer up } to something. Hey, I got all-beefs, } beef-n-porks, turkey dogs, polish } sausage, and kielbasa. You can get } ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, relish, } pickles, or onions on them. I've got } plain and whole grain buns. I don't } care what you want, just order something } or leave. I'm serious, man, if you don't } go away, I'll call the cops and have them } arrest you for loitering. Jesus Christ, } will you stop staring at me! STOP IT! } At least blink once in a while. You're } driving me crazy! You wanna Coke? Wait, } no, I already tried that. Listen, man, } I'm serious, stop starin' and grinnin' at } me. I gotta gun under the counter. I'll } use it. I mean it. STOP STARING AT ME! } STOP IT! STOP IT! STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT! } YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! AAAAARGH! } STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT! PLEASE LOOK } AWAY! HERE! OKAY! I'M MAKING YOU A } HOT DOG FOR FREE! TAKE IT! EAT IT! } JUST GO AWAY! STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT! } YOU WANNA COKE? OKAY! HERE'S A COKE! } IT'S ON THE HOUSE! NOW PLEASE GO AWAY! } I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS! YOUR } EYES ARE DRIVING ME INSANE! PLEASE } STOPITSTOPITSTOPISTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP! } } Then the lama widened his grin just enough to barely show } his teeth. At that moment the hot dog vendor was } enlightened. } } You owe the Oracle a better koan. And a new deli. --- 285-06 00344 4.1 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > so what do I do???????? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My, my. Five words, eight question marks. You must like punctuation } more than you like writing. No matter, I _like_ writing. } } WELCOME TO THE ORACULAR VERSION OF "WHAT'S MY LINE?" THE INTERNET'S } FAVORITE GAME SHOW. HERE IS YOUR HOST, THE ORACLE. } } (applause) } } Thank you, and welcome to "What's My Line". Please meet the } distinguished members of our panel: } } Our first panelist is the hottest thing on Broadway since Nathan's added } peppers to their hot dogs. Please welcome Andrew Lloyd Webber. } } (applause) } } (singing) I'm really glad to be here tonight, Although I've just had a } terrible fright, Aspects of Love recently closed, Guess I'll have to } stay on my toes. } } Our second panelist is the producer of "Twin Peaks", David Lynch. } } (applause) } } The shadow of the evening will underscore the futility of life. Are } there to be more deaths once the shortage of Saran Wrap is over? } } Our third panelist is the boy wonder of Redmond, Washington, Bill Gates. } } (applause) } } The User Interface for the USENET Oracle is directly copied from } Windows. You'll be hearing from our lawyers, assuming Scully doesn't } file suit first. } } Our final panelist is none other than the ghost of Bennet Cerf. } } (applause) } } Thank you John, I mean Oracle. It's true that the quality of mercy is } not strained. These days, its pureed. } } Will tonight's mystery guest sign in please. } } (scribble scribble) } } Now panel, please remember to ask questions that can be answered Yes or } No. We'll begin our questioning with Mr. Webber: } } (singing) You type like a hurried lad, are you perhaps an undergrad? } } Guest: No. } } Oracle: That's one down and nine to go. Mr Lynch: } } Damn, that's good singing! Are you employed in something which requires } very little training, then? } } Guest: Yes. } } The Log Lady thinks you might be a computer salesman. Are you? } } Guest: No. } } Oracle: That's two down and eight to go. Mr Gates: } } My question is in beta test and will be available during the third } quarter. } } Oracle: That's three down and seven to go. Mr. Cerf: } } Are you, perhaps, one of the voice stand-ins for Milli Vanilli? } } Guest: No. } } Oracle: That's four down and six to go. Back to you, Mr. Webber. } } (singing) Cats are mystical, and so I say, Do you work mostly by day? } } Guest: Yes. } } At last the puzzle starts to unravel, does your work require a lot of } travel? } } Guest: Yes. } } I ask two questions, twice I get 'yes', are you, perhaps, a stewardess? } } Guest: No. } } Oracle: That's five down and five to go. Mr Lynch: } } Diane, I'm sitting on the panel of this ficticious game show, being } created by an otherwise bored computer geek. Get his address in case we } need some odd character for the season finale. Does your work involve } driving a vehicle? } } Guest: No. } } Oracle: That's six down and four to go. Mr. Gates: } } Having acquired the software division of Mr Lynch's company, we have } released a patch to version 1.0 of his question. Are you a computer } saleswoman? } } Guest: No. } } Oracle: That's seven down and three to go. Mr. Cerf: } } Your typing sounds familiar. Didn't I see you on the Letterman show? } } Guest: Yes and No. } } Oracle: We'll interpret that as a yes. } } Are you a member of that most octavian fraternity, a musician? } } Guest: No. } } Oracle: That's eight down and two to go. Mr. Webber: } } (singing) The questioning is nearly done, are you the producer's son? } } Guest: No. } } Oracle: That's nine down and one to go. Mr Lynch, I'm sorry but your } question was acquired by Mr. Gates' company which has elected to } withdraw it from the market in favor of Excel. That's ten down } and none to go. Mystery guest, would you identify yourself, } please. } } Guest: I'm Dan Quayle. } } Panel: Who? } } Oracle: That's all the time we have today. Thank you for tuning in and } tune in next time for the Oracular version of "What's My Line". } } (applause) } } GUEST ACCOMODATIONS BY FDDI, THE 100 MEGABIT AIRLINE. WHEN YOU WANT AN } OPEN CHANNEL TO ANYWHERE, JUST ASK YOUR NETWORK MANAGER TO BOOK YOU ON } FDDI. } } You owe the Oracle a guest appearance on the Arsenio Hall Show. --- 285-10 00425 4.1 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, wise one, > My school just built a new athletic building. What is its scriptural > significance? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Scriptural significance? Hmm. . . let me check. The only scriptural } database I have is on an old Apple //e. I think I can download it. } } $ ftp apple.hayes.oracle.god } TCP Wollongong FTP server ready (0.0.00.0) 31-MAR-1991 22:31:24.93 } Connection established } (Connection will close if left idle for more than 5 minutes.) } APPLE.HAYES.ORACLE.GOD> LO ORACLE } Enter password: } (User ORACLE logged in at 1-APR-1991 04:31:24.93 GST) } ] pr#3 } ] run } Wholly Holy -- the Biblical Processor } Copyright (C) 1983, 1985 Heritage Enterprises } Concordance Copyright (C) 1985 Microsoft, Inc. } } Hallelujah!> help } Press "B" to Begin reading } Press "C" to Continue reading where you left off } Press "O" for additional Options } Press "Q" to Quit } Press "S" to initiate Search } Press "T" to Tithe } Press "V" for random inspirational Verse } Hallelujah!> S } Enter string to search for: athletic } Enter books to search ( for all, ? for help): } Searching: } } Numbers 23:21: "And verily, there shall be athletic buildings, } and the athletes shall sweat therein, and the } number of athletes shall be seventy times seven. } And they shall abide therein, and by their sweat } they shall serveth the Lord." } } Matthew 2:37: "And Nezrahiah begat Jehilipha, who was athletic, } and Jehilipha lived to be two hundred, four and } twenty years, when he begat Hectel, who was not } athletic, . . ." } } II John 4:2: "Then Jesus bowed his head and said, 'With this } loaf I feedeth you, with this salve I anointeth } you, and with this fig leaf I art thine athletic } supporter.'" } } 3 references found. Search Apocrypha? (Y/N): Y } } Judith 1:4: "And it will come to pass that the finest athletes } will come to this athletic building to sweat unto } the Lord, and the number of the athletes will be } seventy times seven plus seventy times seven again, } but the number of the buildings shall be just one." } } 1 additional reference found. } Hallelujah!> Q } Amen. } } ] init } Connection closed by remote. } FTP> ^Z } $ lo } } ORACLE logged out at 31-MAR-1991 22:34:24.93 } } Well, there, you have it. I'd search the Koran and the Torah for } you, but alt.religions is down right now. --- 290-09 01558 4.1 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB)) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wisest of the wise oracle, please explain to me, > > Why is it that every time a female describes her relationship > with me, the word 'plutonic' is always used? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They mean that, like Pu-225, your relationship had a half-life } of 26 minutes. } } You owe the Oracle a cyclotomic accelerator. --- 297-08 01386 4.1 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle of wonders, > I want to marry my girlfriend Cathy. What does our future look > like? Children? Money? Affairs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your future looks bleak, oh young hormone-infested mortal. Your } inability to communicate in complete sentences will be nothing but } trouble for you. You will drive Cathy crazy saying things like, "How } are the wedding invitations coming? Envelopes? Stamps? Post?" Later, } after you are married, Cathy will become increasingly irritable after } being exposed to your odd mannerism for a month or two. "Honey, where } are my socks? Argyle? Sweat? Dark?" Unfortunately, things will only } go downhill from there. "Cathy, why don't we have any friends? Turtle? } Banana? Apocalypse?" You will become increasingly moody and withdrawn. } "Dammit, don't let the Kaiser steal my string! Swingtown! Megaphone? } Grunties." As a last ditch effort, Cathy will dunk your head in a vat of } strawberry yogurt to shake this affliction from you. Ultimately, you } will die a solitary man, feeble and wrinkled. Your last words being, } "Curse you Red Baron! You and all your ugly kin! Greenspan? Rosebud! } Phlegm." Hey, you asked. } } You owe the Oracle a Sears mediterranean style color console television } set with 25" screen and real simulated woodgrain finish. (mine is on } the fritz) --- 286-07 02355 3.9 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If a user is really stupid, and just can't quite grasp the concept of > a high-density vs. a low density disk, is it OK to shoot them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, but you're on the right track. Here's how to explain it, using a } coffee can, some water, and a gun. } } Fill the coffee can with water and set it on the table next to the } user. Tell him that this is like a high-density floppy disk, which } can hold quite a bit of water (ie. data. Since your user is stupid } you may have to explicitly point this out.) } } Aim the gun at the can and shoot a hole in the side. Some of the } water will run out. Explain that by decreasing the density of the } metal making up the can (by introducing discontinuity,) you have } lowered the storage capacity of said can. Mention that a similarity } exists between coffee cans and diskettes. } } Now turn to face the user. Act like you've forgotten you're still } holding the gun, but actually, aim it carefully at the user's } chest. Ask him if he understands the difference now. } } If he doesn't, you have a perfect legal right and moral responsibility } to shoot him. But try not to let him get blood on the computers. } } You owe the Oracle six kilowatt-hours. --- 288-04 11265 3.9 ----------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle oh wise, I'm stressing real hard! Should I get a trip to Europe > or a "nice" NeXT computer for graduation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My son, let us compare the two options systematically and the } choice will become clear... } } NeXT Europe } ---------------- ------------------------ } voltage 110V 220V } storage CD-ROM 2 bags + carryon } operating system UNIX/Windows socialism } speed 10.5 hz 2 cappuchino/day } standard languages C/Pascal/Fortran no standards } expandability unlimited unlikely } M.T.B.F. 24000 hours 24 hours } displays VGA+ museums, nude beaches } networking LAN ready EEC } documentation 3 volume user guide _Foder's_ } portability with special case not hardly } expected date 1992 1992 } of obsolescence