From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sat Oct 7 19:37:07 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: alt.sources Subject: The Usenet Oracle is now available! (#0-altsrcs) Message-ID: <27326@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 8 Oct 89 00:37:07 GMT === 0-altsrcs ============================================================ Title: The Usenet Oracle is now available! (#0-altsrcs) Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 8 Oct 89 00:37:07 GMT The Usenet Oracle is now available to answer all your questions! To find out how to ask the Oracle a question, send e-mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the subject titled "help". You will be mailed a helpfile. Example "oracularities" are included below and different sets have also been posted to these newsgroups: alt.sex misc.misc rec.humor alt.sources news.misc rec.misc --- 0-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If time reversed itself, would anybody notice? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } :elcarO eht ekaps suht ,esnopser ni dnA } } ?eciton ydobyna dluow ,flesti desrever emit fI > } } :saw noitseuq ruoY } .ylpeed noitseuq ruoy derednop sah elcarO tenesU ehT --- 0-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Okay, who did it? No one leaves until I know who did it. Was it you? And in response, thus spake the oracle: } What's it to you? Oh wait, I suppose the Oracle cannot answer a } question with another question. OK, I did it. But you started it. } } [You owe the oracle 3 cases of root beer.] --- 0-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Everything's going dark. My life is beginning to flash before my > eyes. Help me, Oracle! What should I do? And in response, thus spake the oracle: } You should immediatly sign up for the } } U. GYPTME } } weight loss program. Nine out of ten health professionals surveyed } everywhere recommend U. Gyptme's special formula of L Carotine and } Clorinol [tm] for your health needs. U. Gymptme is available only for } this limited time offer. Send $19.95 cash (please, no checks or credit } cards) to U. Gyptme, inc. P.O.Box 666, Uxtapul, Mexico. U. Gyptme } has been shown successful in weight loss programs throughout the world. } It has also been proven to prevent heart attacks, stop cancer 'cold', } and even to prevent AIDS from mosquito bites. It's sedative effects } have also been shown to bring patients from experiances of life flashing } before their eyes and darkness to a state of prolonged peace. } } As an added bonus, U. Gyptme's special patented formula is recommended } by morticians and embalmers everywhere for stiffs like you. } } Remember. Order now. } } [You owe the oracle 2 cases of root beer.] --- 0-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great Oracle! What message should I glean from tomorrow's full > lunar eclipse? Will the world come to an end? Will the Universe > implode upon itself only to come in with another bang? What's the > significance of that ultimate answer, 42? And in response, thus spake the oracle: } Look ye deep into the blackness of that awful ecliptic emptiness. See } there the futility of all human travail on this pathetically spinning } globe. *Will* the world come to an end? Why think you that it has not? } In the Vast One-to-One-Hundredness of Universal Banging, our poor plane } of existence rates but a 42. } Indeed, this is a GOOD time to avoid eucalyptus trees. } } [You owe the oracle 5 of your children.] --- 0-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What do you do with all the soy sauce you so rightfully demand of your > wisdom seekers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } RECIPE FOR A HAPPY ORACLE } } newt's eyes a staple of the Oracle's diet } soy sauce makes everything taste better } root beer something to wash down the newt's eyes, A&W please } } dollars and cents $$$ makes the world go round } big kisses awww, gosh, *blush*, golly-gee } years of slavery well, someone's gotta keep the place clean } minutes of life doing my part to control the overpopulation problem } children The Future Oracles of America --- 0-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you say "Bingo at nine on the pier" in Swahili? And in response, thus spake the oracle: } The answer is so secret that it has been encrypted in DES on the } following line. The key is the translation into Inca of 'your mother } wears military issue combat boots': } } I8as(lDf87#`.KlPa>juIO[@zsPu } } [You owe the oracle 4 dollars.]