From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sat Oct 7 19:37:09 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: misc.misc Subject: The Usenet Oracle is now available! (#0-miscmisc) Message-ID: <27329@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 8 Oct 89 00:37:09 GMT === 0-miscmisc =========================================================== Title: The Usenet Oracle is now available! (#0-miscmisc) Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 8 Oct 89 00:37:09 GMT The Usenet Oracle is now available to answer all your questions! To find out how to ask the Oracle a question, send e-mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the subject titled "help". You will be mailed a helpfile. Example "oracularities" are included below and different sets have also been posted to these newsgroups: alt.sex misc.misc rec.humor alt.sources news.misc rec.misc --- 0-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What can we do about Dan Quayle? And in response, thus spake the oracle: } Many things. } 1) We can pray that George never gets assasinated, or otherwise } croaks, leaving Danno behind.... } 2) We can tell Hinkley that Danno lusts after Jodi Foster... } 3) We can tell Son of Sam's dog that Danno just has to go... } 4) We can ignore him. Remember, if he had brains, he'd be dangerous. } 5) We can give him the coloring book Ronnie R. never finished } coloring in during his second term. If we tell him not } to color outside the lines, it may even keep him occupied } thru the next election. } 6) We can send him back to boarding school, where he can brush up } on his Latin, and he may even learn that Latin is not the } language spoken by Latin Americans. } He may even learn what _Quid pro quo_ means! } 7) We can wish he'll go away...... } 8) We can hope it's just a bad dream...... } } The great Oracle is depressed. } } [You owe the oracle 5 quarts of soy sauce.] --- 0-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which came first, the Chicken McNugget or the Egg McMuffin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the beginning, when God created the American fast food franchise, } restaurants were slow and cumbersome. Zero billions had been served. } Then the Almighty McFather commanded, "Let there be grease" -- and } grease appeared. God was pleased with what he tasted. } } On the second day, the McCreator commanded, "Let there be burgers and } buns" -- and so it was done. ... On the fifth day, the Heavenly } Burgermeister commanded, "Let there be Egg McMuffins, plain and with } ham" -- and it came to pass. On the sixth day, He commanded, "Let } there be Chicken McNuggets, in boxes of six, nine and twenty" -- and it } was done. } Chapter One: "You Want Fries with That?" } McDonald's Employees Training Bible } by Ray Kroc --- 0-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is life? And in response, thus spake the oracle: } A magazine. } How much does it cost? } Ten cents. } That's tough. } What's tough? } Life. } What is life? } A magazine. } ... } } [You owe the oracle 2 cents.] --- 0-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did the chicken cross the road? And in response, thus spake the oracle: } To get the Herald-Times! Get it? } No. } Neither do I, I get the Indianapolis News! Ha ha ha! } Hee hee hee. Ooooh boy that's funny. Ha ha. } Hey! You've got a banana in your ear! } } [You owe the oracle 4 of your children.] --- 0-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I always seem to contradict myself, but I really never do. I'm > beginning to suspect this may become a major problem, but, of course, > it's of no real significance. Oh Great Wise and All Knowing Oracle, do > you have any of your typically stupid and inane advice for me? And in response, thus spake the oracle: } No. You wouldn't be able to understand it anyway. Good day. } } [You owe the oracle 5 cents.] --- 0-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What if velcro had been a naturally occuring element? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Human beings would never have evolved, since the velcro would have } allowed the dinosaurs to "stick" around a while longer.