From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sat Oct 7 19:37:09 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: The Usenet Oracle is now available! (#0-rechumor) Message-ID: <27328@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 8 Oct 89 00:37:09 GMT === 0-rechumor =========================================================== Title: The Usenet Oracle is now available! (#0-rechumor) Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 8 Oct 89 00:37:09 GMT The Usenet Oracle is now available to answer all your questions! To find out how to ask the Oracle a question, send e-mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the subject titled "help". You will be mailed a helpfile. Example "oracularities" are included below and different sets have also been posted to these newsgroups: alt.sex misc.misc rec.humor alt.sources news.misc rec.misc --- 0-32 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will your answer to this question be in the negative? And in response, thus spake the oracle: } Memory fault. Core dumped. } } [You owe the oracle 2 years of slavery.] --- 0-33 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does time exist in heaven or hell, neither or both? Oh great oracle > please respond soon for I must know! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle may only speak with authority on one of the two places in } question. It is left to the asker to infer which of these realms is } referred to. In my realm, time exists for some souls but not others, } depending on the degree of depth of the soul or entity in question. For } example: Jack the Ripper must plod slowly along in her (a minor } correction) high heels and leather miniskirt, forever roaming the } streets of London in fear of molesters. So this is a timeless state, or } nearly so. Meanwhile, Genghis Khan constantly rebuilds his meager } village over and over again, as Russian hordes mow it level every year. } So he sees time extremely clearly as a set of contiguous, if repetitive } events. As to that Other realm, I cannot say. --- 0-34 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > i cin nver;git anny ov mi kumputar, pprogrammz 2 run.. > Y du I hav- dis probblim ?& And in response, thus spake the oracle: } i: Command not found. } No match. } [1] 12035 } Y: Command not found. } } [You owe the oracle 2 newt's eyes.] --- 0-35 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I nuke the gay whales for Jesus (with a handgun)? And in response, thus spake the oracle: } Only after you've hugged your Nazi secular humanist starving Ethiopian } child today. } } [You owe the oracle 2 big kisses.] --- 0-36 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What does it mean to be truly insane? Can an omnicient being such as > yourself comprehend of such a thing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm having trouble answering your question because of the interference } from the radio waves the space aliens are beaming into my brain. The } voices tell me that Satan is standing right behind me, so if you'll be } kind enough to excuse me ... --- 0-37 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If oranges were green, would they be called 'greens'? If so, what would > greens then be called? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If oranges were green, } it would create quite a scene, } in this counterfactual world we've created. } For a green orange would be, } a contradiction, you see, } and all rational folk would need be sedated.