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21 Jul 2018 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 17:17:57 GMT


Internet Oracularity #759-06    (7kEna dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will marijuana be legalized in the U.S.?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
}    Here is a concise future history:
}
} 1997: Gov. Pete Wilson takes over the Presidency of the United States,
} becoming the forty-third U.S. President, under his campaign promise:
} "I smoked it, but it was made in the U.S. and provided jobs for five
} hard-working U.S. citizens."
}
} 1998: Surgeon General McAffee produces report that smoking marijuana
} converts people from type A personalities (aggressive) to type B
} personalities (more laid-back), making them less susceptible to
} heart attacks, strokes, ulcers, and voting outside the party line.
}
} 1999: (February 23)  Newt Gingrich passes a bill saying that no one
} who has smoked marijuana, had sex with a married woman other than their
} wife, or accepted a bribe worth more than $10,000 may hold public
} office.
}
} 1999: (February 24)  To their immense surprise, Democrats retake the
} House and Senate from the Republicans, due to the third measure of the
} above bill.
}
} 2000: Pres. Wilson declares that 'more study is needed for
} possibilities of legalizing marijuana'.
}
} ... oh, dear... let me flip through this...
}
} 2004: Pres. Mike Kinsley declares that 'more study is needed for
} possibilities of legalizing marijuana'.
}
} 2008: Pres. Colin Powell declares that 'more study is needed for
} possibilities of legalizing marijuana'.
}
} [flip]
}
} 2030: Pres. Wil Wheaton declares that 'more study is needed for
} possibilities of legalizing marijuana'.
}
} Hrm.  I don't see it happening until the Great Islamic Uprising of
} 2055, when alcohol is banned but kif becomes legal.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good grovel, some of the pottery that was removed
} from the Mexican shipments marked 'Fragile: Archelogical Samples', and
} four ounces of Erisian Gold.

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