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29 May 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 1:54:15 GMT

Internet Oracularities #D1K

  1. 000-01
  2. 000-02
  3. 000-03
  4. 000-04
  5. 000-05
  6. 000-06
  7. 000-07
  8. 000-08
  9. 000-09
  10. 000-10

Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>


[ Please see the introduction to the real Digest #1000 for the        ]
[ revelation and explanation of this April Fool's Day digest posting. ]

@@@                               WE MADE IT!
@@@
@@@ The Thousandth digest has arrived!  They said it couldn't be done.
@@@ They said it'd never happen.  They said it'd all end.  But here it is.
@@@ One thousand digests of ten thousand selected Oracularities.  What an
@@@ accumulation!
@@@
@@@ However ... *sigh* I thought we were ready for this.
@@@
@@@ Please excuse the noncanonical number on this digest (#000).
@@@ Having approached the big #1000 with confidence that all D1K (digest
@@@ one thousand) bugs were exterminated from the Oracle's systems,
@@@ I discover that now, as the moment is here, some nasty ones remain.
@@@ Since it seems that it'll cause less trouble to let out the digest
@@@ with #000 for now than #1000, that's how it is.  I wouldn't want
@@@ to disappoint our faithful readers and delay this landmark digest.
@@@ We'll be working around the clock to get everything fixed before
@@@ #1001 is due.  Wish us luck
@@@
@@@ ... and remind me to retire from the computer biz before Jan 1, 2000.
@@@
@@@ Yours in millennial celebration/trauma,          Steve Kinzler

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@internetoracle.org with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
    000
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

995   91 votes  dHFfp iAOrr gpOoi epLme sywOs tAIRt 1pSAh 0rHCo 0IELo 0LSEd
995   3.1 mean   3.0   3.1   3.0   3.0   3.1   3.1   3.3   3.4   3.3   3.1


000-01

Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@cts.com>


The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Como consigo una tarjeta verde de inmigracion de los E.E.U.U.?
>
> Muchas gracias,
> Esteban Cazador

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Did you know that 'Verde' is a character in the book 'Dance of the
} Tiger'? Except that it's spelt slightly differently.
}
} You owe The Oracle a one ton tomato.


000-02

Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>


The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Lisa. Woodchuck. Zadoc. Og. Fighting fish. Grovel. <ZOT>.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} London, Paris, New York, Moscow, Tokyo, Sydney, Prague.


000-03

Selected-By: "Julsy" <avedon@usa.net>


The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, what's your favourite recipe for Chili?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle's Mild Red Chile Posole with Meat
} === ======== ======== ==== === ===== ====== ==== ====
}
} 20 New Mexico (or Anaheim red) chiles, stemmed and seeded
} 1 cup dried chiltepines
} 3 cups cooked posole corn
} 4 medium-sized garlic cloves, peeled
} 6 cups beef broth
} 1/4 cup olive oil
} 2 pounds game meat, preferably javelina, cut into 1" x 1/2" chunks
} Salt
} Freshly ground black pepper
} 1/4 cup dried leaf oregano (for garnish)
}
} Put red chiles, chiltepines, garlic and 2 cups of broth in a blender
} or food processor; process until chiles are pureed. In a large pot,
} heat oil over medium-high heat. Season javelina generously with salt
} and pepper and saute until evenly browned, about 5 minutes. Pour off
} half the fat and add pureed chile mixture. Saute 2 minutes more. Add
} remaining stock, posole, and 1 teaspoon salt. Bring to a boil, reduce
} heat, partly cover and simmer--stirring occasionally--until meat is
} tender and sauce is thick, about 1 1/2 hours. Garnish lightly
} with oregano. Makes 4-6 servings.


000-04

Selected-By: clemenr@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)


The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Life a river
> A sapphire in the swift
> current illuminated
> swirling through immense
> hard space
> small decayed rock;
> sand.
>
> Life a river
> by a field where a gull
> wings by once
> gray, a color
> unremembered as all
> fades.
>
> A river
> for nothing;
> an offer;
> no taker;
>
> Snow-trickles, creekbed, earth.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There once was a life like a river
} A sapphire in the swift would sliver
} A small decayed rock
} Some wings that would lock
} An offer no taker no giver
}
} You owe The Oracle some snow-trickles in my creekbed.


000-05

Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>


The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> +----------------------------------------------------------------------
> | Visit GodzillaMan's  %%%%  friends, free software can't survive if we
> | Mega Awesome        %@@%%%        don't cooperate with stealing it!!!
> | Warez and     %%%   %%%%%%% # #    crack osme code today! email me at
> | Crackz site  %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%####   GodzillaMan2000@juno.com with file
> | on the WWW!   VVVVVVVV%%%%%%#####   reqeusts!!! ---------------------
> | New stuff     AAAAAAAA%%%%%%%##      --------------------------------
> | added daily! %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%        ------------Wared Board---------
> | All crackz          %%%%%%%%%%  # #   -------------------------------
> | are elite only ----  %%%%%%%%%% ####    ---------GodzillaMan---------
> | no lames crap    ---  %%%%%%%%%%#####   ---------Annihilated---------
> | like the      \\  -- %%%%%%%%%%%%##     ----------PotRoast-----------
> | other so    \\%%%    %%%%%%%%%%%%%      ----------Defender1----------
> | called     \\%%%%%  %%%%%%%%%%%%%%% # #  ----------------------------
> | sites out   %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% ####  ---------------------------
> | there! 1000's %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%#####  ----We Rule! SPA sux!-----
> | of files ready   %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%##    ---We will not be ruled---
> | for download now    %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%      ---by the so called law!--
> | like Wolfenstein 3D  %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%  # #  ------------------------
> | Sopwith Ultima III   %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% ####  ----GodzillaMan says---
> | Moira Wordstar Basica  %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%##### -------"ROAR!"---------
> | and tons more! Tradez   %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%##   -----------------------
> | only 1 file up for each  %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%   # # --------------------
> | file down! Look for the  %%%%%%%%   %%%%%%%  #### -------------------
> | site at 127.0.0.1, login  %%%%%%% --  %%%%%% ##### ------------------
> | as anonymous with your    %%%%%%% ---  %%%%%%%##    # # -------------
> | email address as password %%%%%%%  ---  %%%%%%%     #### ------------
> | logins are not            %%%%%%%% ----   %%%%%%%%%  ##  ------------
> | logged! Pass the   <<%%%%%%%%%%%%% ------    %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% ----
> | word to your     <<%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% ---------     %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
> +----------------------------------------------------------------------

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do you have Oracle DBMS software?  I'm also looking for some expert
} Oracle programmers, if you know of anyone who might be interested.


000-06

Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>


The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> My meat parts are fond of you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What is your % body fat?


000-07

Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@sdd.hp.com>


The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh wonderous Oracle ,
>
> I need to write a program that takes an input string, randomises
> it and then outputs the identical same string. I really don't
> know if this is possible but if anyone knows it would surely
> be you! I would be more than greatful!
>
> Humbly Yours,
> Mr C

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (define randomly-permute
}    (letrec ((fact (lambda (n)
}                     (if (<= n 1)
}                      1
}                      (* n (fact (- n 1)))))))
}           (lambda (str)
}             (begin
}               (display (list->string (list-ref
}                              (generate-all-permutations
}                               (string->list str))
}                              (randomnumber
}                               (fact (string-length str))))))
}               (newline))
}             str)))
}
} (define generate-all-permutations
}   (lambda (lst)
}    (letrec ((remove-first
}           (lambda (x lst)
}             (if (eqv? (car lst) x)
}                      (cdr lst)
}                      (cons (car lst) (remove-first x (cdr lst))))))
}          (map-append
}           (lambda (f lst)
} (if (null? lst)
}                '()
}                (append (f (car lst))
}                        (map-append f (cdr lst)))))))
}      (if (<= (length lst) 1)
}        (list lst)
}        (let ((prefix-to-every (lambda (elt)
}                                 (map (lambda (lst-elt)
}                                        (append (list elt) lst-elt))
}                                      (generate-all-permutations
}                                       (remove-first elt lst))))))
}          (map-append prefix-to-every lst))))))
}
} (define randomnumber
} ; n0t 5t4t15T1c477y r4nd0m, but c7053 3n|_|ff!!1! k3w7!
}   (lambda (less-than)
}     (inexact->exact (modulo (round (runtime)) less-than))))


000-08

Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU


The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Hey you, i found this in my e-mail box, and i thought that i
> should forward it to every person that i know, pretty cool offer.
>
> Now there is a way to get a free web page on the internet.
> There's free e-mail and irc server too. You get 100 meg of space
> and free tech support. Let me know at freewebsite555@juno.com if
> you are interested in this valuble offer. Thanks dude. Haven't
> you always watned your own Web Site?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} your a jerk
}
} ***************mew*************mew********mew*************************
} *"To be or not to be thats the mother-f--king question." - me        *
} *"I used to have a brain but then I started reading."                *
} *"Dance all night go go go." - Talking Heads                         *
} *              ====================================                  *
} *If you like cats as much as I do check out my mewsite!!! Its way    *
} *kewel!                                                              *
} *            (all opinions are mine so screw it)                     *
} *                                                                    *
} *my website can be found at:                                         *
} * http://www.krpsht.quirk.pds/smile/~marge/mew                       *
} **********************************************************************
} ********mew***********mew*************mew*************mew*************


000-09

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>


The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, if you're so witty and wise, why do I keep getting empty answers
> to my questions?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HOI! ZADOC!
}
} You called master.
}
} Zadoc. What time is it?
}
} 3:15pm master.
}
} I knew that, worm!
}
} You owe The Oracle an omnipotent wristwatch.


000-10

Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>


The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> If I mention Lisa, Zadoc, Og, woodchucks, lemurs, and bright red
> Siamese fighting fish in my query, will it appear in the Digest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} **ZOT!**

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