|17 Aug 2019||home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests||15:13:29 GMT|
Compiled-By: David Sewell <email@example.com>
Once upon a time, the Usenet Oracle took little more notice of a certain software company based in Seattle than would a grizzly bear of a spider mite on the tip of its tail, or a True Hacker of an operating system that wouldn't let him produce a sorted concordance of the King James Bible with a single-line command while compiling 5000 lines of C code and reading rec.humor.funny at the same time. In the first 3000 published Oracularities, running from late 1989 through mid-1991, the name Microsoft appears a grand total of only four times. ("Unix", by contrast, shows up 119.)
But times have changed. Everyone and his dog is on the Net, and Bill Gates is in the Vatican (or was that just a rumor?). And they are all staring anxiously toward a vast clearing where, on August 24, a great cardboard obelisk with a familiar logo and the fateful inscription "Windows 95" will rise up to the strains of Richard Strauss (or was that Mick Jagger?) as millions of computer users leap about it uttering cries of awe, rage, or helpless laughter. So even the immortal Usenet Oracle has had to open at least half an ear to the increasingly frequent questions of his worried or bemused supplicants about this force--this creature--this Microsoft--that sucks the marrow out of competing software and now comes bearing the fearsome runes "MSN" to challenge the very Internet itself.
In honor of Windows 95 Official Release Day, then, the Priesthood of The Usenet OracleTM is pleased to share with you a dozen of the best Oracularities about Mr. Gates and his software, from the archives of the Oracle digests.
Selected-By: firstname.lastname@example.org (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh really rather quite decent and actually not half bad Oracle > (sorry, this is a British grovel): > > In his latest "Inside Track" column in PC Magazine John Dvorak mentions > the "rumoured desire of Microsoft to find a way to put Windows on home > appliances such as microwave ovens and VCRs." > > Oh (what the devil, I'll be brash) super nifty one, can you tell me how > a microwave oven running Windows would work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh really seely English knnni-get (sorry, zis is a French Oracle): } } A mahcrowave ouven running Windoes ouill ourk verry slowly. Eet ouill } leek radiacion and make you eento a large meutated cabbage. Eet ouill } be impossibl to use eet without the proper interfas, which, instead of } ze mouse you probably use, ouill be a jiant hedgehog named Spainy } Norman. Ze Oracle oulde adviz avoideeng all such Maicrosouft products. } } You oue ze Oracle a toaster zat runs Unix.
Selected-By: email@example.com (Michael A. Atkinson)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does BILL GATES use public domain software? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, as all of the public has become Bill Gates' domain. } } You owe the Oracle something that Bill Gates does not yet own.
Selected-By: Darkmage <Ian.Davis@ludwig.edu.au>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, all powerful Oracle, whose toe nail clippings I am not worthy > enough to grind onto my chicken pot pie: > > I suspect that Bill Gates of Microsoft is really a Lemur. Is this > true? Does his wife know? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lemurs are of the prosimian branches of the ape family (as opposed to } the arthropoid branches, wherein reside humans). The were so named } because the appeared to the Romans to be the spirits of the unburied } dead. The are extremely territorial and possessive and spend the } entire day eating and making haunting noises to warn off potential } intruders/thieves. As they walk, they urinate on their own paws so } that their scent will be everywhere they have walked, thereby marking } off their territories with widely recognized signs. } } It is sometimes difficult to tell what Bill Gates is...I presume he's } some sort of ape. He appears to the public to be some sort of } demonic programmer. He is extremely territorial and possessive and } will sue anyone who "steals his programs." As he codes, he marks } every line he has typed with widely recognized copyright symbols. } } Hmmm. Could be.
Selected-By: The Gabungmeister
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Is it just me, or is Bill Gates actually Satan whom is > coming from his fiery hell to drag all of humanity down with him, and > use our souls as he pleases for eternity? > > - A religous assasin > (who is waiting) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } MICROSOFT-HELL MERGER ANNOUNCED } } William H. Gates III, Chairman of Microsoft Corporation,and Lucifer } Satan, chairman of Hell Ltd., have announced the merger of the two } companies. Satan will be given the title of "Vice President for } Corruption" at Microsoft. } } Wall Street looks favorably upon this merger as Microsoft's control of } the material world will now be supplemented by Hell's control over the } spiritual. } } "When we agree on methods and motivation, there is no need for us to } compete further", said Gates. } } "As an original investor in Microsoft, I have been delighted with its } progress and welcome the opportunity to work with its clients at a more } intimate level", said Satan. } } Philippe Kahn, President of Borland International, and Yahweh Elohim, } chairman of Heaven Associates, were not available for comment. } Speculation is rife that a merger between Word Perfect and the Angel } Moroni is to be formalized this week. } } PC Week, 3/12/94
Selected-By: firstname.lastname@example.org (Michael A. Atkinson)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm running Windows 3.1, with RPRINTER loaded. As soon as I'm loading > Word for Windows 6.0 the PC hangs. Do I need to change my Config.sys or > my System.ini file. > > [name and address elided by Priest to protect the innocent] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You need to change your operating system. } } Please send a note to email@example.com with the subject "help."
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <firstname.lastname@example.org>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When will we be upgraded to 2.0? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You mean you haven't been reading the trade papers? } } After God subcontracted the Millennial operating system to Microsoft, } Bill Gates announced a new OS code named "Uebermensch" that would } remedy the most glaring defects of Humanitas 1.0: mortality, the 7 } Deadly Bugs, inability to multitask or achieve simultaneous orgasm, } and frequent General Protection Faults. } } Microsoft has been plagued by cost overruns, difficulties in making } the new system backwardly compatible with the large installed base } of Cro-Magnon and Paleolithic software still in use, and most } importantly staff defection to the Great Enemy, the Antigates, } Linus Torvalds, whose free Humix system is already running on several } million hackers. Most humiliating of all, billions of ordinary users } are turning to IBM's new release of HumOS/2, which is said to be } even capable of running the wildly popular shareware theology } game "DAMN". } } Uebermensch has been re-named "Humanitas 3001", though Microsoft is } not actually committing to a firm 3001 release date.
Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <email@example.com>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where oh where has my little dog gone ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } UNIX Answer: } Try 'grep little.dog'. } } Macintosh Answer: } Use the 'Find Dog' utility that's on your original system disks. } } DOS Answer: } Sorry, but the current version doesn't support little dogs. } You can try some third-party dog-management utilities if } you think that might help, though. } } Windows Answer: } Edit your DOG.INI file. Find a line that starts with "LOC_DOG=". } After the equals sign, type the full directory path like this: } "LOC_DOG=C:\WINDOWS\PETS\HOUSE\LITTLE.DOG" Restart Windows. } } You owe the Oracle an upgrade to MS-DOG.
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh! So sorry! Did I get the wrong apartment again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa: "Orrie, I think there's someone here to see you." } } [The Usenet Oracle, dressed in silk smoking jacket and slippers (a la } Heff), ambles to the front door.] } } Oracle: "You again, eh? You're beginning to annoy me. This is the } apartment of the Usenet Oracle. You want the apartment of the } Microsoft-Net Debacle, right next door." } } [The Oracle slams the door and storms back to the bedroom.] } } Lisa: "Orrie, dear, who was that and what did he want?" } } Oracle [off camera]: "It's the Gates boy from next door. Whenever he } comes home drunk he gets the wrong apartment." } } [Fade to black. Fade in to a Windows desktop with multiple apps, all } frozen.] } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Windows 95 that doesn't crash.
Selected-By: firstname.lastname@example.org (Christophe)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most financially astute Oracle, whose monopoly on great wisdom, after > the recent out-of-court settlement that was in all the news, will > certainly never be the target of an investigation by the Justice > Department of the United States, nor of the Economic Ministry of the > European Union, I ask of you the following: > > I've decided to sell my immortal soul to Microsoft: whom do I contact, > and would I get a better price from someone else, such as Lotus > Development Corporation? (I also considered IBM, but I've heard they > have started re-selling the souls of all their employees to raise cash > and leasing them back as contractors.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're in luck! MicroSoft recetly released MicroSoft SoulCapture 2.1, } and really handy utility for just this purpose! It's Windows-only, } but its simple point-and-click interface allows you to follow its } easy procedures in minimal time. And, before you know it, your soul } will indeed be part of the great conglomerate of programming patches } and not-so-intuitive pull-down menus that we've all come to love! } } My favorite part is the free screen saver that comes with it - a } devil-suit clad Bill Gates laughing maniacally as he shoves copies } of Windows 95 down uesrs' throats. } } By the way, if the program crashes your PC, it's because of something } you did. It's not the fault of MicroSoft. Nope. Never. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of OS/2 Warp.
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, the one who sees all and knows all, please accept > this humble question from thy grovelling supplicant... > > Why is Windows 95 Beta so bug-ridden it's not funny? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THE SCENE: A dark antechamber of the Gates estate, dimly lit by three } 20" monitors suspended from the ceiling. In the middle of the room is } a Pentium/100Hz, sheathed in a black casing. Three programmers dance } around the machine, chanting horribly. Their pale, clammy complexion } is cast hideously by the light of the monitors, rendered even more } repugnant to the watchful eye bye the 60Hz flicker of the monitors. } } FIRST PROGRAMMER: Thrice the brinded net hath mewed. } } SECOND PROGRAMMER: Thrice, and once the Warp-pig whined. } } THIRD PROGRAMMER: MacHarpier cries. 'Tis time, 'tis time! } } FIRST: Round about the terminal go; } In the poisoned upgrade throw. } Code, which by a student done } In minutes numbering sixty-one. } Run-time error, protection fault, } Crash ye first, crash ye shalt. } } ALL [as they dance around the Pentium]: } Double, double, toil and trouble; } Tempers burn and data bubble. } } SECOND: Fillet of a Sound Card bake, } In the Pentium no sound make; } Point of arrow, click of mouse, } Scream of user, frightened spouse, } OS/2's net use appeal, } Steve Jobs' look and Wozniak's feel. } For a charm of powerful trouble, } Like a hell-broth boil and bubble. } } ALL: Double, double, toil and trouble; } Tempers burn and data bubble. } } THIRD: Click "Start" button, speed of slug, } You would think you forgot the plug. } Multitasking, ha ha ho } If just one worked you'd be good to go. } This should grab those straggling few } Who aren't using DOS 6.22. } Now we shall the Mac eclipse, } While curse words cross our users' lips. } Leave the errors in so we can fix } And sell more...Windows 96! } And so we will release the Beta } For corruption of their data. } } ALL: Double, double, toil and trouble; } Users buy, our profits double. } } SECOND: Compile it with errors through, } Since the users have no clue. } } [Enter BillGate to the other three programmers.] } } BillGate: O, well done! I commend your pains, } And everyone shall share i' the gains. } And now about the program get, } But NEVER use it on OUR net. } Security is scarce put in. } [Beeps of PONG heard in the background.] } [Exit BillGate.] } } SECOND WITCH: By the usage of my UMBs } Wicked Windows this way comes. } Open locks, } Whoever knocks! } } [Fade to black.] } } Remember, Obsolescence isn't an accident, it's an art form. } } You owe the Oracle a signed, handwritten manuscript of MacBeth, and a } copy of the Windows upgrade for the P6.
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, enlighten me: > > How long will it take after the release of Windows 95 for Microsoft > to get it to actually work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am reminded of a koan. } } A hacker once bought a computer, and that computer ran Dos 4. } However, Dos 4 did not work. The hacker asked Microsoft, when will } you get Dos 4 to work? Microsoft said, forget about Dos 4! Buy our } newest product, Dos 5, which has all bugs fixed. } } The hacker bought Dos 5, but it did not work. The hacker asked } Microsoft, when will you get Dos 5 to work? Microsoft said, forget } about Dos 5! Buy our newest product, Windows, which has all bugs } fixed. } } The hacker bought Windows, but it did not work. The hacker asked } Microsoft, when will you get Windows to work? Microsoft said, forget } about Windows! Buy our newest product, Windows 95, which will have } all bugs fixed. } } While he was waiting for Windows 95 to come out, the hacker asked the } Oracle when Microsoft would get Windows 95 to work. Before he even } finished his question, the Oracle shouted "LINUX!" and began } bludgeoning the hacker with a clue stick. At that moment the hacker } was enlightened. } } You owe the Oracle an 8mm tape drive for his PC.
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <email@example.com>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great, voluminous, mammoth, gargantuan, so absolutely huge Oracle, > please tell me... > > When Bill Gates has a software problem, what help desk does he call? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, the answer is...<ring ring>...just a sec, gotta get the phone... } } (muffled, in the background) } Oracular Help Desk, Orrie speaking. ... Yes Bill, I understand what } you're asking. Are you in front of the machine? ... And the lever is } in the inactive position? ... Okay, then just sit on it facing the } stall door and the input should be hanging from a roll on the wall to } your right. ... No, that should be it until the job finishes. Bye, } bye. } } ...well, as a professional I'm not permitted to reveal this } information. } } Had I answered, you would have owed the Oracle a sign stating "the job } is not finished until the paperwork is done."
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <firstname.lastname@example.org>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderful and wise Oracle tell me how would one implement a version > of Windows TP ...... windows for telepaths ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You open the box labeled "Windows TP", carefully extracting the pouch } labeled "License Agreement". You examine the contents of the pouch, } finding an inflatable beanie bearing the Windows logo rather than the } familiar 3.5" diskette package. You inflate the beanie, insert two } "C"-size batteries (not included), and carefully place it on your head. } } You press the Start button. } } Immediately, the image of an hourglass comes to your mind. You find } yourself trapped; unable to move anything in your body save your eyes. } } After an indeterminable delay, you regain control of your senses. } You are suddenly compelled to speak your name and business affiliation. } You then retrieve your Windows TP package and chant the Product-ID } number. } } Suddenly you see the words "Windows is detecting new hardware" flash } before your eyes. } } You crash to the floor, writhing in agony. You feel every muscle in } your body contract and retract in turn. Your mind is filled with } the image of a blue inchworm, creeping slowly across a grey field. } The creature finally reaches the edge of its domain, and your seizure } ceases. You take a moment to regain your composure, and you are } reminded of your high school anatomy course as a complete listing of } every organ in your body appears before your eyes. You browse the } list for a moment, and utter the phrase "OK". After a short delay, } you hear the sound of a trumpet echo through the recesses of your mind. } } You find yourself in a large, barren space. You look around, and } discover images labeled "My Brain", "Recycle Bin, and "Set up the } Microsoft Network". You feel compelled to utter the word "Start", } after which a list of options floods your mind. Weary from the } detection phase, you utter the word "Shut down". You close your eyes, } and blackness surrounds you. You feel yourself start to drift into } sleep. Your peace is interrupted, however, as a bright orange light } invades your nothingness. "It's now safe to shut down your mind". } } You drift into unconsciousness, and sleep for several hours. } } When you awaken, you are frozen in place as you see clouds and blue } cycling colors. After a short eternity, the familiar "My Brain" } icon reappears in your mind. But something is terribly wrong; } you can feel it in your gut. Just outside the range of primary } vision, you can sense something lurking about you on all four sides. } You slowly look up, and see the word "Safe Mode" glaring back at you. } You back away slowly, swivel your head, and there it is, behind you } as well. Your heartbeat quickened and you are terrified as you turn } to your left and your right and it meets you there as well, its cold, } heartless glare filling your soul with despair. Quickly, you summon } Control Panel, System, Device Manager. You feel yourself frantically } gasping for air as you run through the list of installed devices. } You come upon "Respiratory System" and are horrified to see a black } exclamation point on a yellow field next to the entry "Lungs". } You close your eyes and utter the word "Properties". On the closed } curtains of your eyelids, you see your life flashing before your eyes. } } You force yourself to concentrate on your situation, attempting to } discover which system devices are in conflict, when suddenly your } entire body seizes up in pain. } } You lose all sense of reality. You are floating through the clouds as } you hear a voice echo through your mind: "This program has performed } an illegal operation and will be terminated." You start to black } out and suddenly you remember your situation. You stare in horror } at your blue extremities, knowing that, without oxygen, you will } not last much longer. With all the consciousness you can muster, } you force yourself... } } To reboot. } } You awaken in a place that is dark, but familiar. A solitary white } prompt on a black field greets you. You look behind you and see the } wreckage of the operating system that nearly spelled your demise. } "Cannot find a file that may be needed to run Windows". You turn } around to face the prompt, and a wide grin comes across your face. } You take a deep breath and revel in the life-giving atmosphere. } You laugh as you utter the words, } } "DELTREE WINDOWS". } } Suddenly you find yourself on the floor of your home. You find } the charred remains of the Windows TP beanie littering the floor. } You carefully gather them up, stack them neatly on an altar, and burn } them, promising yourself never to risk your life with Microsoft again. } You bury the ashes, knowing that your life is again in order. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Windows TP and Bill Gates' home address.
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@BEST.COM>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh wise, magnificent, splendid, too-cool-for-words, > always-in-thright-place-at-the-right-time Oracle: > > What if Data (from Star Trek Next Generation) were Microsoft Windows > compatible? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead. } } PICARD: On screen. } } [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each } only a single pixel wide.] } } PICARD: Data, what's wrong here? } } DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video } memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select } a lower resolution? } } PICARD: Make it so. } } [The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square } pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan } warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space } Invaders.] } } PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans. } } DATA: Aye, sir. } } [Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, } and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons } on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of } light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.] } } WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain! } } PICARD: Shields up! } } DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your } last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before } you issue your next command. } } PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want } those shields up *right now*. } } DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your } last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before } you issue your next command. } } LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data. } } [Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the } floor.] } } DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to } cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this } communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any } information sent by the Romulans. } } [LaForge pulls Data's left ear.] } } PICARD: Shields... } } [There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all } the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts } from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away } from the console.] } } PICARD: Up, Data! } } DATA: Aye, sir. } } RIKER: All decks, damage report! } } WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be } unconscious. } } [Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and } punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the } hourglass back on the floor.] } } DATA: Shields are now up, captain. } } PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead } Romulan ship. } } WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.] } } PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action. } } DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver } installed for that console. } } PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one. } } DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril. } } PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants? } } RIKER: I left them with Geordi. } } LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them! } } PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal } memory? } } DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right } nostril. } } PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1. } } DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail? } } PICARD: Abort! } } DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail? } } PICARD: Well, fail, then! } } DATA: Current nose is no longer valid. } } [Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship } lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side } of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming } from somewhere else in the ship.] } } LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing? } } PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data? } } RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold } for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person } wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized } in industrial control robots. } } [Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all } the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a } few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the } console, absolutely motionless.] } } PICARD: What's going on? } } LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a } General Protection Violation in the warp engine core. } } PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do } anything with them. } } [The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in } full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a } Ferengi, appears moments later.] } } FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh, } Captain? } } You owe the Oracle a little model of the Enterprise, with an "Intel } Inside" sticker on it.
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