From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Oct 9 9:30:56 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: in.bizarre,rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #1 Message-ID: <27379@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 9 Oct 89 14:30:56 GMT Xref: iuvax in.bizarre:252 rec.humor:30270 === 1 ==================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #1 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 9 Oct 89 14:30:56 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 1-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > One of the many branches of computer science uses oracles to solve > many of its problems. Perhaps the great usenet oracle can tell us, > is P=NP? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, this is one of those P and NP and completeness problems ... } to wit, you have asked if } } P = NP (1) } } If you take into account the widespread use of equation numbers } such as the one appearing here, then I can say unequivocally } that the equation number is correct and proper. Unfortunately, } though, this implies that the equation P = NP is equivalent } to equation number (1) in any other tome of knowledge you could find! } Therefore, the answer is beyond comprehension, and best left } to the contemplation of the oracle. I have spoken. --- 1-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and mighty oracle, whose excrement I am unfit to lick ... > > Tell me how to attain knowledge and wisdom as great as thine own! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I have pondered the question you haved asked, the way you asked it, } and what you are really asking. Your question does have an answer, } but I don't think I should answer it. The toils on the path of } becoming an oracle are long and tedious and someone who uses the } English language as you do does not have the determination, or the } character to devote himself to pure, unbiased truth. } } As an oracle, my food (input) is words, my excrement is truth. } You wording tells me you could never attain the level you seek. } Cleanse your heart and mind and you may get a sense of TRUTH. } } So says the oracle. --- 1-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When I open up the refrigerator, where does all the dark go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Silly mortal, have you never heard of a light bulb? Obviouslly not. } A light bulb is a small device ussually in the back of the } refrigertator, that when not lit, is a very low-pressure vacumn. When } you open your fridge, a small switch opens an itty-bitty hole at the } base of the bulb. This vacumn then pulls all the dark in, exposing the } natural state of order, light. } } This is alos why parents tell you to make sure that you close the } fridge "ALL the way", if you didn't some of the dark would escape and } the inside would always be lit. } } Occasionaly, you may find your fridge does not keep food cold, nor } does it suck up all the dark, when this happens you need to recharge the } freon (freon is latin for vacumn). } } If you have any more questions, simply call the GE help line (24 hours } a day, 365.25 days a year) --- 1-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've found a huge gapping hole in the MAKEKEY program. it seems that > there really is a way to make an unMAKEKEY. and I have in fact made > one. Now, what should I do? My girlfriend says that I should use it to > break into government computers, because it gets her hot. My wife says > that I should forget how to do it, and must pretend it never happened. > My brother-in-law second time removed says that we should sell it to the > ruskies. My dog just looks at me strange And worst of all the other 4th > graders in my class don't believe me. > > HELP!!!!!! I don't know what to do. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Mr. Weshley Crusher, first you should go to Capt. } Puckard and tell him that you have done a very bad thing. 4th graders } are not allowed to be married in most cultures. The CERT division of } the CIA has been alerted to your breaking of UNIX security, and their } death squad should be there in a few minutes. } } As punishment for desturbing the oracle, you must post the } source code to comp.unix-wizards before the death team arrives. This } would settle a great debate that has bothered the oracle for many years. --- 1-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why must a fool and his money be soon parted? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O foolish, foolish mortal. This is so simple I almost decided to give } this question to a disciple. If a fool and his money wasn't parted, } just think of what the fool would spend his money on? A decade's supply } of spam? The complete Barry Manilow collection? A house straddling } Love Canal? No, these don't compare to what a fool's money would be } used for: a better network that } wouldn't garble !%&%#&gdso 02 27ry206320e734rrfts Ad#!($& } 32 dasd %%% } 31038 *#############109328741] --- 1-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why did the paper on my printer just get stuck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because you dropped cookie crumbs into the print head. Listen! } Printers do not eat cookies! Hard disks eat cookies. Printers eat ice } cream--spoon it right in and soon your paper will be humming along like } a car with sugar in the gas tank. (The CPU chips of IBM PCs like to } have pineapple-and-ham pizza smeared all over them, but we all know that } IBM is weird anyway.) --- 1-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is a computer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } MU. } } If the Oracle were physically present, it would now strike you a } sharp blow with a stick and you would reach enlightenment. Since it is } not, you must go find a long wooden stick and rap yourself many times on } the head until you become enlightened. Fail in this, and you will } become known as an untrue student of Zen. (Hang your head in shame.) --- 1-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle: > Can a man acheive true happiness by fasting, praying, > and assembly language programming? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, it is possible! But that is perhaps the most arduous path } possible! Praying will certainly help. But fasting will be difficult, } at best. You might consider a diet of just root beer, watered down, if } you wish. } } Yet, the aspect of that path that is most horrible--most difficult to } overcome will be assembly language programming. Communicating with the } system on its own terms ... you must not only conquer the system, } conquer YOURSELF. For, after only two years of assembly language, } several of my high priests could no longer speak normally. They just } wandered around saying `dbra d1, label' and `movqw a3@(#0xa, d1:w), d2.' } Avoid this fate ... and you will find happiness. } } You owe the oracle a box of Wheat Thins. --- 1-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHY????: And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, why not? It's not like the general existence of the universe is } specifically intended to waste *your* time. C'mon, Grumble Puppy, } lighten up! Get a hobby! Find a member of the appropriate gender and } party your butt off! Don't assume that these silly rhetorical questions } *have* good answers; there's no real answer to "WHY?" save 1) "Why not?" } and 2) "Because." } } so there. --- 1-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many angels can dance on the head of a beer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer to this question can be determined by a rather complex } equation. The Oracle, however, cannot go into detail because of } its complex nature. What can be said is that there are two } main factors involved in the equation: } } 1) The amount of beer drunk by the person viewing the angels dancing. } 2) The amount of Pat Boone albums playing in the background. } } The amount of beer drunk by the angels is also a variable in the } equation, but it drops out as the amount of beer drunk approaches } infinity.