From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Thu Oct 12 19:59:27 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor,in.bizarre Subject: Usenet Oracularities #12 Message-ID: <27681@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 13 Oct 89 00:59:27 GMT Xref: iuvax rec.humor:30407 in.bizarre:267 === 12 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #12 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 13 Oct 89 00:59:27 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 12-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where can I order a new intestinal parasite? I don't like this one. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Parasites R Us, 677 Gook Ln., Okaskokie, OK } } You owe the oracle a tapeworm. --- 12-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the source of the greatest knowledge and wisdom in the world > located out in the boonies? (Indiana) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } By George! You've discovered the eighth mystery of the world.... } } But actually, if all this knowledge was located in an easily accesible } place, there would simply be more confusion, stress, late night studying } (which, in turn, would make Jolt cola the largest company worldwide). } But the price of textbooks just might drop a couple percent. --- 12-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 6 million and 7 years ago there was the dog named Spludike. Spludike } was a very large dog that liked to eat large containers of liquid } refreshment. But one day he was introduced to solid food. The solid } food had a strange effect on Spludike. Spludike suddenly started to } grow horns, and could change color at will. Will needless to say was } not happy about this, so he shot Spludike. This is why my son. --- 12-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My maraschino cherries melted! What'll I do now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Deep mental/anal analysis seems to be the only answer --- 12-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did my lover leave me for a 7' statue of Richard Nixon, made > of tofu? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is quite a common occurance, and has something to do with the } combined sexual potency of tofu and deposed presidents. The study } or impeachofibrosis covers this. Perhaps you've read my book, "The } oracle speaks on impeachofibrosis" Penguin Books, $16.95 } } You owe it to yourself to buy 4 copies in case this happens to someone } else you know --- 12-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me something that you wouldn't tell anyone. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries! } And you should be thankful that I won't tell anyone about it! --- 12-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are you male or female? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Foolish Mortal, } } I am neither male or female, and am both and yet none. (I know this is } beyond your punny comprehension) This'll teach you to bother your } betters. } } For payment I demand 1000 quarts of sperm if your're male and 1000 } quarts of milk if your're female. If you're neuter you can skip } payment. --- 12-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you train lemmings to breathe helium, > would they survive the plunge from the cliffs by floating away? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, but their squeaks would become ultrasonic. Then you could market } them as dog whistles. } } The oracle has spoken. } You now owe the oracle a book on microbiology. --- 12-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there still a place in the world for real programmers ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. } } Oh, you expected a fuller answer? The Oracle will enlighten you. } By `real' programmers I assume that you mean good programmers, or } programmers devoted for programming for programming's sake. (Repetively } redundant, I know.) } There is a great demand for real programmers in two places. The Oracle } project, and the GOD project. } The Oracle project is concerned with... hold on. This is Top Secret, but } I shall enlighten you. NO ONE ELSE LOOK! } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } The Oracle project is attempting to link people's souls with computing } processes. (Minds have already been linked in other secret projects, } that was easy) As you might suspect, this is where the REAL programmers } go. } The GOD project, (Generated Operational Deity) is an AI project. The } BIGGEST AI project. Intelligence projects started off simulating the } mental processes of Dan Quayle, and have, in public knowledge, advanced } to the level of slugs and flatworms. Actually, Albert Einstein has been } simulated on a computer, but crashed when he discovered that the } technology which had brought him back was based, in part, on quantum } theory. We are now shooting for Jesus Christ and Buddha, and are } scheduling the culmination of the project for 1995. The demand for real } programmers here is large, as well. } So you see, there are some very good spots for real programmers. } You owe the Oracle your frontal lobes. --- 12-10 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracular splendence, I humbly beg of you a minute > portion of your enlightenment. > > What is sex? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sex is a system of currency. It is used for payment for goods or } services rendered, such as the Oracle's advice. } } You owe the Oracle a blow job.