From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Oct 16 15:53:49 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor,in.bizarre Subject: Usenet Oracularities #19 Message-ID: <27923@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 16 Oct 89 20:53:49 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler Xref: iuvax rec.humor:30581 in.bizarre:278 === 19 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #19 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 16 Oct 89 20:53:49 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 19-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My, aren't you a the School of Hard Knocks graduate? You fuming > mega-quisling with the fist of a wage slave! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, yeah? Well, same to you but more of it! I know you are, but what } am I? Nyeh. } } You owe the Oracle your women's lingerie collection. --- 19-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey: > You know, how when you call the bank, someone tells you the time > and the temperature? No matter when you call it's always the same guy. > How does he do it? How does he stay awake? How does he know the > correct temperature all the time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's the same guy for all the banks,too. The International Banking } Cartel kidnaps someone every few weeks, pumps him full of hypnotics and } stimulatts, and makes him answer all the bank phones until he croaks. } He's got this immense array of thermometers, one reaching each city of } the USA. Goddam amazing. --- 19-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is Barbara Bush really George's wife, or is she his mother? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Barbara Bush is *really* Dan Quayle's mistress. That's her only role in } the Bush administration. However, Bush needed a "wife" to persuade the } U.S. population that he was a human being rather than a rubber model } (he is, in fact, a rubber model), and Barbara Bush had the same last } name, and everyone would *assume* they were married. But, she said that } they had to make Dan Quayle the vice president, or she'd reveal the } whole truth -- and they couldn't get rid of her easily. Watch, though. } She's unnecessary now, and she'll get offed pretty soon. } } You owe the oracle two high-seated administration sources. --- 19-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh dorky oracle, do you want to have sex in the thornbushes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay. Mail me at xxxxxxx@xxx.xxx.edu with some more detailled } information about yourself, and we can talk it over in more detail in } the privacy of out own accounts. --- 19-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is Internet so slow on my end? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The internet is slow because millions of geeks, everywhere, are trying } to find girlfriends using it. Not very smart, but they're not the } oracle. I am. } } You owe the oracle one arrogance remover. --- 19-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What do you see in my future? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In your future I see days and nights, breakfast, lunch, and dinner, } making orgasmic love with a tall dark stranger on a bearskin rug in } front of a fire, going for an AIDS test eight months later (negative), } and a truly amazing number of chickens. --- 19-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I suddenly got single. Why am I seeing double? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has found several things that could cause this: } } 1) Your ex has won possession of your glasses -- get a court order for } visiting rights. } } 2) Your ex has punched your lights out -- See an expert for } re-alignment. } } 3) You have gone cross-eyed scoping out potential SO's -- See an expert } for re-alignment. } } 4) You are still under the shock of no longer having and "other half" } and your brain has overcompensated. } } Most likely, however, you are inebriated. A bottle/12 oz can makes a } very agreeable partner, but I wouldn't recommend sleeping with one. Or } performing any other bedroom activities, for that matter. } } You owe the Oracle a six-pack of Fosters. --- 19-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey: > How big was John Holmes really? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How big? Just let me put it this way... The Oracle knew John Holmes, } and y you're NO John Holmes! --- 19-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much of a good thing is too much? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This depends on what the good thing is. } } - Kissing: six hours. Your lips get sore. } - chocolate cheesecake: 4.3 kg / 100 kg body weight } - elephants: 2 } - enchiladas: 2x10^14 } - Beethoven symphonies: 10. } - broken arms: 4 (at one time) } - polygons: 10,432 sides } - George Bush assassinations: 4. (After being assassinated four } times, the Living Dead stuff will start to wear thin and the bullet } holes will drip corrosive green slime, and it'll be all over the } evening news. Disgusting.) } - ducks: 3. } - cross-country airplane trips: 12/hour. --- 19-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The question is moot. } } The key phrase here is "IF a woodchuck...." Since woodchucks can't } and never will be able to chuck wood (I have consulted my _Small and } Furry Creatures Handbook_), this question is rhetorical and therefore } needs no answer. } } I can however give you the answer to the question "How much wood could } a Beaver chuck if a Beaver could chuck wood?" } } One day Wally came home from school early. "Wally!" shouted June } Cleaver. "Whatever are you doing home early from school?" } } "Gee, mom," replied Wally. "Miss Landers caught the Beave chucking wood } and sent me home to tell you to come and get him." } } "Well, Wally, why didn't Miss Landers just call me on the phone?" } } "Well, mom, she would have, but he chucked the telephone pole on the } corner and there's no phone service for this whole block!" } } June went to pick up the Beaver, when Ward got home from work he gave } him the customary talk, and Beaver went to bed after taking a bath to } get rid of all the wood chips in his hair. "June," asked Ward when } the kids were safely asleep, "just how much wood DID the Beaver } chuck anyway?" } } "Well, dear, he chucked half the desks in Miss Landers' classroom, } the bleachers at the high school, and a telephone pole before he ran } out of steam." } } "That's our Beaver!" } } You owe the oracle one number 2 pencil.