From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Wed Oct 18 16:58:28 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor,in.bizarre Subject: Usenet Oracularities #22 Message-ID: <28079@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 18 Oct 89 21:58:28 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler Xref: iuvax rec.humor:30679 in.bizarre:281 === 22 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #22 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 18 Oct 89 21:58:28 GMT @@@ ====================================================================== @@@ CALL FOR VOLUNTEERS @@@ ... for the Oracularities Selection Committee. I need the opinion of @@@ readers of these Oracularities postings to compile a selection of only @@@ the very best Oracularities to submit to rec.humor.funny. I feel I'm @@@ personally too jaded from compiling the rec.humor postings to do the @@@ selection myself. To help out, mail kinzler@cs.indiana.edu with: @@@ - how many Oracularities you think should be in the @@@ rec.humor.funny submission @@@ - your favorite Oracularities from these rec.humor postings and @@@ the announcements of the Usenet Oracle (sorted in order of @@@ preference, if possible) @@@ To be unbiased, you should not include Oracularities that you yourself @@@ wrote the answer or question to. Your participation will be credited @@@ in the rec.humor.funny submission. I can provide previous postings if @@@ you need them. Thanks! @@@ ====================================================================== To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 22-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I a slave to my penis? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have sinned in a previous lifetime, committing chastity and } virginity and self-denial, and not allowing lovers to come together when } they willed. Your current body has been inflicted upon you by the Laws } of Karma. --- 22-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Whenever I eat pastry I am compelled to hit myself on the head with a > blowtorch (off, thank God). What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahh, a truely worthy question. There are serveral solutions to your } problems. } } The first that comes to mind is the following: Find an attractive } member of the opposite sex. Explain your problem to them, then ask them } to tie you up. I suggest you use the notorious "spread eagle" position. } You can then be fed pastries without fear of hurting yourself. } } The second method is more dangerous & may elicit scorn from your peers. } I suggest you turn ON the blowtorch. I think you will find that after } hitting yourself several time with a lit torch, you will cease this } senseless behaviour. --- 22-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where is this wondrous wpi, and wpy are they writing so much to the } oracle? > are they reclusive paranoids? > Are they Kafkaesque racists? > Are they Satanism-hating reactionaries? > Are they hateful goofs? > Are they slimey dentists? > Are they palindromic drug addicts? > Are they scabrous maniacs? > Are they religious pigeons? > Are they fundamentally squalid wet noodles? > Ore are they just malignant bigots? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } wpi is actually the well-known-secret Word-Pushing Institute, } founded in 1928 by Frank Word and Robert G. Pushing. Under } the highly successful cover of a technical-university type } institution, they are actually training the future dem--oops, } I mean public thinkers and leaders of this nation. Except for } a few bigots (and bigots will slip in anywhere), most of them } are simply playing devil's advocate. --- 22-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are there any anagrams of "Usenet Oracle" more interesting than > "Tea Enclosure" ? Where can I buy a good tea enclosure these days? > You oughta know. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer to this question can only be found in that ancient Norwegian } book of Oracles; "Trond Torsk og Andre Historier for Snille Barn", and } thus very difficult to translate. The original text read as follows : } "Te-avlukker selges ikke lengre i loes vekt, men maa bestilles spesielt } fra fabrikanten. Dette har sin aarsak i at den store interessen for } denne type produkter ( Te-avlukker er antakelig det mest interessante } fenomen i den vestligverden i dag ) har foert til et markert underskudd } paa produsent-siden. " } } The only certain element that can be obtained from this excerpt, is that } *nothing* is as interesting as Tea-enclosures. --- 22-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the best way to meet women. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You, my son (or daughter) have been very blessed. It is a little known } fact that there are very few female Oracles available in this world or } the next who can relate to the position of the human female on the } planet earth. I Sheoracle say to you: I know the answer! Go up to } females on the street and say "Hey, Baby, I like your style." Keep doing } this until you get a positive response. 1,000 slaps in the face will } eventually get you one night in the sack. } } Sheoracle requires a written journal of the 999 slaps and a complete } description of the one night in the sack. Go with Sheoracle. --- 22-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What happens to the rest of an uncompleted sen And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } g that happens to a sentence that starts in the middle. --- 22-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have the impression that "We have met the Oracle and he is us." Is > this true? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The oracle isn't me. --- 22-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What if I CAN'T answer the question you ask me to??? If I don't know > the answer I'll take a guess, but I wonder if I will be "penalized" in > any way. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The oracle is wise and great, and knows all things. You will not be } given a question that you are unable to answer. You will take a guess, } and the intellect of the oracle will suffuse and enlighten your spirit, } and the guess will be perfect and ultimately correct. Except the } speling. } } You owe the oracle three questions and seven answers. --- 22-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did I just insult the president of ibm to his face? or is "you, sir, > are a weenie and a dweeb, and I spray sauerkraut juice on your expensive > Dior jacket" a polite comment in high executive circles? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually that Is a polite comment in high executive circles. Had you } said "you, sir, are a dick and a geek, and I drip mustard puss on your } cheap K-mart polyester sport coat", that would have been an incredible } insult. } } Don't worry about it. } } You owe the Oracle one foot long hotdog. --- 22-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where in the world is Carmen Santiago? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Carmen Santiago (who is actually your half-sister) is lying sprawled in } a pile of spilled champaign (why does that stuff pile up that way?), on } a bearskin rug, in front of a blazing fire, on a flying saucer, looking } up with terrified eyes and a running nose at an alien who is an exact } clone of Elvis who is about to plunge a long, sharp, vaguely phallic } knife into his left hand (by accident.)