From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Thu Oct 19 21:47:42 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor,in.bizarre Subject: Usenet Oracularities #23 Message-ID: <28159@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 20 Oct 89 02:47:42 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler Xref: iuvax rec.humor:30751 in.bizarre:282 === 23 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #23 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 20 Oct 89 02:47:42 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 23-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what is the name of the absolutely gorgeous girl sitting next to me, > right now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Her name is Elaine Betsy Blurfie Amanaghafella Sandra Cassandra } Packassandra Multipackassandra Blandra Understandra Chandra Fran Pran } Glan Plan Plan Plan FORTRAN Whipplesneak Trippplegleak Paramongo } Half-the-Congo Bingobongo Thumbtack Susan Bratnifells Quayne Drogo Brogo } Frogo Lrogo Zrogo Hypnopaedia Dialect Karma Dinosaur Dingo Elixer Elk } Ellipse Hayloft Hawk Innoculation Rabbit Chariminade Plumiferous } Luminiferous Polygoniferous Planiform Graniform Baniform Smith. } } (Her parents enjoyed LSD.) She'll never admit it though. } } You owe the Oracle a birth certificate. --- 23-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does Ben Samit ride a Harley? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ben Samit is one of those "macho dweebs" that you hear about in the news } these days. In fact, there will be a NBC news article on him and his } gang, "Hell's Weenies," in a few weeks. Macho dweebs wear leather } jackets with pocket protectors, spikes in the form of skulls and } inverted pentacles, and calculator pouches. They build onboard } computers for calculating the best angles to run down cops and keep } track of their profits from drug running and loan sharking. They break } into office supply stores. They're becoming a real problem in the Bay } Area. Ben Samit is one of the worst: they call him "Satan's } Slipstick." --- 23-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What makes waves? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Waves are due to a little game that fish play when no one is looking. } Any time there is absolutly no people observing them all the fish } in all the oceans swim toward shore as fast as they can. As soon } as someone looks they all stop suddenly creating a wave. As soon } as said person or persons turn around, they all change direction } creating the undertow. So in reality one might say that it is } people looking at fish that causes waves. } } You owe the Oracle one McFishfillet sandwich. --- 23-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the most perverted sexual act there is? > (Not that I have tried out everything else, I just thought > I'd like to know...) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The most perverted sexual act requires eleven people, three males, four } females, and four other. The props include a grape, two urns of wine, a } clock, a stick of dynamite, a used flannel sweater, five flowerpots, an } old couch, a bohmedine, a drugged muskrat, a large supply of pancakes, } an umbrella, a staple gun, a gluting, and a banjo. It was last } performed in Rome, before Nero, which is amazing considering how few of } those things were invented back then. (Two haven't been invented even } now.) Don't try it at home. --- 23-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, fount of wisdom and sagacity, tell me why I forget to > turn off the car lights 30 seconds after reminding myself to do so! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because you forget the simple rule: if you are an absent-minded twit } with the attention span of a drunk sparrow, you should ... um ... er } ... always ... well ... let me see ... propose a constitutional } amendment with the death penalty for burning the flag. That's it. Very } good. --- 23-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the oracle so determined to find girlfriends for > xxxxxxx@xxx.xxx.edu? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because xxxxxxx@xxx.xxx.edu doesn't stand a chance of doing it himself! } } No charge --- 23-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How long is one oracle day? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, so very long the oracle day is. So very, very long. Never very } much the chance of the sleep. From very early in the night they want me } awake, very awake, always the questions they want me for to answer. And } what kind the questions they ask! The sex question! The "how find me } the girlfriend?" question! The "I am from wpi, how come I such a horrid } person" question! (easy the answer, though). The "what best the sexual } position" question! The "how come not I sleep" question! Oy! The } questions! And so early in the night, they do not let me sleep! And } then all day they come still the questions, the questions, the } questions, always the questions. Again and again the same questions, } the same fooly questions! The "what is the meaning of life"! } questions. The "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck" questions! The } "what is your favorite color" questions! Always, the same stupid } questions. And continue they on all night, the questions, always the } questions. So many, so foolish, so often the same the questions. } } Oh, so very very long the oracle day. } } You owe the oracle a vacation. --- 23-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What do the following things stand for?: > WPI, USC, CCSU, MIT, RPI, RIT, UHA, UCONN, SCSC? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } WPI - Wormy Persons Inc. A company dedicated to supplying blind dates } and last-minute prom dates. Their motto - "Well, if you REALLY } don't care who you go with ...." } } USC - Used Sexual Condiments - Oil's, whipped creams, edible underwear, } tasty body paint, etc ... A serious enviromental problem affecting } us all. } } CCSU - C Compilers that Strangle Users - The latest horror movie from } Clive Barker. } } MIT - Many Interesting Tits - Used to describe latest issue of Playboy. } } RPI - Regal Penises Inc. A company that preserves the penises of past } great people. They maintain a museum in Cleveland, OH. } } RIT - Rectal Institute of Technology. Researches latest colonary } developments. } } UHA - University for Homosexual Apes - You got me on this one. } } UCONN - University of Cosmetics for Neo-Social Nerds - Helps people who } live in front of terminals all their lives learn to perform } basic sanitary functions. } } SCSC - Spooling Console Subsystem Central - New IBM acronym for RSCS, } since too many people knew what RSCS stands for. --- 23-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who left the hand grenade on my desk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It all started with Adam, Eve, the apple and of course, the snake. } Actually, the names there John and Mary, the apple was a hotdog and } the snake was not a genuine snake, but Marys dog, Snakeeye. } } Mary, sorry, Eve, tempted Adam, or was it John, to taste the hotdog. } } "Take a byte, and see the light!" } } So John did, and really, as he ate the BigMac, or was it a pizza, he } saw the light! Eve's boyfriend, the coldblooded marine stood in the } door, the left hand on the switch, and, } } YES YOU HAVE GUESSED IT, } } the right hand on the grenade! Now John, or was it Adam, you have 5 } ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... hurry up ... 1 ... HURRY UP, I said, quit } starring at the screen and get the bloody hell out of here! .. 0 } } Morale: Never touch the console of somebody others girl ... } } The Great Oracle has spoken. --- 23-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, if thou art so wise as thou purportest: > > Who is Xxx Xxxxx??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Xxx Xxxxx: a mysterious individual, he has often been compared. } Although now famed as the lead singer of the group "Trouser Experience", } he is also a versatile actor who has appeared in both television. } } An unhappy child, he was frequently bullied; like many children, he } had an "imaginary friend", and when the other children bullied him, his } "imaginary friend" would join in and bully him as well. } } At the age of eight, he went to a school which had turned out } potential Nobel Laureates - it had turned them out to make room for } potential muggers and child-molesters. } } At the age of eighteen, he was lucky enough to go to Harvard. After } his vacation, however, he returned to Indiana. There, he was given a } traditional education, from which he has never recovered. } } His first musical endeavours were as guitar-abuser for Heavy Metal } mega-group Ozzy Van ZZ Led Dead Def Leppard Bon Whitesnake; he left } after their first album, saying that he wished to pursue a solo } tax-rebate. } } It was then that he became interested in the mysticism and culture } of the far east. He founded an Origami magazine, but it quickly folded. } He also experimented with ambient music, working with musical guru Ian } Brino to record "Ambient 5: Music For Insomiacs Who've Run Out Of } Pills". } } After a while, he began to yearn for a return to his former life of } loose cars and fast women. He formed "Trouser Experience", whose first } album "Banana In My Boxer Shorts" was a critical success. Indeed, } people still criticise its success. Nowadays, he is a shy and retiring } individual, and lives in his private Beverley Hills Mansion with only a } cat, a goldfish (dead), and fifty security guards for companionship. } } You owe the Oracle your first-born child and your entire collection } of Barry Manilow albums.