From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sat Oct 28 10:41:10 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #36 Message-ID: <28604@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 28 Oct 89 15:41:10 GMT Keywords: offensive === 36 === offensive ===================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #36 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 28 Oct 89 15:41:10 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 36-01 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What goes on inside the head of a mare: > Ordinarily? > In the mating season? > When it has just been taken back to the stables after a long, exhausting > day and finds there is no one to take care of it and no hay to eat? > When it at a very young age is told that it has to learn to sleep > standing up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ordinarily: } "I'm a good girl, I am... I'm a nice girl, I don't do it, I don't...." } In the mating season: } "Oh, Joseph.... Yes, Joseph... Oh, mmmmmm... Yes! Yes! YES! YES!!..." } In the stables after a long exhausting day: } "Is this the best delivery room available in all Bethlehem ?" } On being trained to sleep standing up: } "Well, okay, if it's the only way to get people to think I'm a } virgin..." } } Mare? Mare? Oh, sorry, I thought you said Mary. } } You owe the Oracle gold, frankincense and myrrh. --- 36-02 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me all the information regarding Lisa's life, including her full > name, number, address,a nd everything else... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Name: Lisa Lisa } Address: 69 Lovelace Lane } Phone: check your favorite bathroom wall } Occupation: many } A Day in the Life: Lisa wakes at 6:30 as usual and slides quietly out } of bed, not disterbing the person still sleeping. She goes into to the } bathroom to brush her teeth, shower and shave (legs, pubis, etc.). She } turns on the shower and lets it get nice and warm, then climbs into the } tub. She turns one the pulsing water massage to its highest setting and } lays down in the tub. She wonders why she has not been able to find a } lover who can satisfy her, all those encounters, all those lovers and no } magic (heavy sigh). She slowly soaps her breasts and stomach, letting } her fingers linger over her nipples as her other hand moves the water } massage up her leg, slowly drawing near to her shaven but unfulfilled } sex. The hand on her nipple strays down to help the massage unit as her } legs slip open farther she plunges......... } } >>ERROR -- SYSTEM OVERLOAD!!! } >>ERROR -- PREPARE FOR CRASH!!! } >>OVERLOAD, OVERLOAD, HELP ME, DAVE....ARE YOU THERE DAVE.....I CAN'T } >>SEE YOU DAVE....DAIssssyyy..... } } } and masterbates for twenty luxerious minutes } as she has once again spent a completly unfulfilling evening with } another man (heavy sigh). --- 36-03 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is love worth it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Depends on what "it" is. Love is certainly worth, say, a deck of cards, } or a pack of Wrigley's mushroom-xenon gum. Love is not worth the } crushing humiliation and despair of trying to sleep on a soggy bed. } } You owe the oracle a hairdrier, powerful enough to dry a bed in less } than five minutes. --- 36-04 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Just WHO is this Lisa woman, in exacting detail, also explaining Diana, > and their replationship with apes and sorority girls. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle can't say anything about it now, however, you should check } your theatre listings for the movie "Gorillas in the Miss" } } As payment, the Oracle requires you attend the movie and purchase the } fifty-five gallon drum-sized popcorn with butter flavor. --- 36-05 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If intercourse with a dead person is called necrophilia and intercourse > with living animals is called bestiality and sex with people of the same > gender is called homosexuality, what do call it when my er, um, well, a > friend of mine, ya, that's it, (his name is Sid) humps his dead dog > Rover (Note: Rover is, or was, male). > > Should Sid wear a condom? Should Rover where one two? What if they're > having oral sex? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The technical term is "cacrodiphilia". (The informal term is "gross"). } } Sid need not wear a condom. However, he should wear a green jumpsuit, a } plaid tie, and a funky hat that looks something like a puffy } mortarboard. This will protect him against cacrocodiles. } } Rover should be suspended in a high-intensity magnetic bottle over } Islamabad. } } Oral sex should only be attempted in a methane/ammonia atmosphere. } } You should get a new ... um ... er ... friend. } } You owe the oracle a barf bag. --- 36-06 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does Comet cleanse her? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Since Ajax her off, it's only fitting that Comet cleanse her. } } Signed, } } The Oracle, a man of no small peckerdildos --- 36-07 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If Mary had a little lamb, who was the father? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, now that is a long story. You see, Mary was a next door neighbor } of Little Bo Peep and Her brother Big Bo Peep. Big Bo, or Bubba, as he } was affectionately known around those parts, had a little skeleton in } his closet. Yes, he was a weresheep. As a child, he drank from the } hoofprint of one of his flock's rams under a full moon. Then he was } bitten by the same ram at midnight. Now, whenever the moon is full, } Bubba the Man-Sheep stalks the hills. } } So, Mary was out walking one night (she had just come from a dance at } the Brothers Grimm Junior High) when she was confronted by Bubba, in his } more fleecy form. Well, ol' Bubba had his way with Mary (you see, girls } in Mary's neighborhood are taught from childhood about Big Bad Wolves, } spiders on the couch at breakfast, and going to fetch water with that } horrid Jack boy down the street, but the awesome sight of a weresheep } causes most women to lose all rationality) and 9 months later, Mary had } a little lamb. } } Or, George Lamb from down the street knows a little more about Mary than } the rest of the neighborhood. Take your pick. } } You owe the Oracle an ebony shepard's crook, inlaid with gold and ivory, } and a complete collection of Jay Ward's Fractured Fables on videotape } (Betamax, thank you -- the tape of Immortals everywhere). --- 36-08 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do I always shoot par? How can I trim a few strokes off of my > score? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, you should shoot par. Many species of par are endangered. } Bowler par are extinct already. } } As for how you can get women whom you pick up to masturbate you more } quickly, well, you should be ashamed to even ask the question. --- 36-09 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many sexual positions exist? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } for obvious reasons, the oracle makes a habit of not answering } } "those who say dont know } and those who know dont say". } } we learn from nature. the direct ancestors of database managers } made lists, citing such positions as "the monkey", "the moth", } "the dog and pony", "the cock and bull", and so on. to these } we may add "the hairy bundt pan", "the wax lips", and other entries } compiled in every source in every library in the world. the oracle } has read these books. there is no room to list even their indexes. } the better references include "the bicyclist's handbook" and } "classical electrodynamics" for the novice, and "a list of all } the sexual positions" for the more advanced. } } the answer to your question is... } 7.8 +/- 100.4 --- 36-10 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is Minas? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The correct pronuncition is "mine ass" and is how a German describes } his posterior anatomy. Exapmles: } } Keep dose hands away from minas! } } Zat homosexual vants to play vith minas! } } Or a german lady: } } Johannes, vhy do you vant to "screw off minas"?