From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sun Oct 29 11:51:04 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #37 Message-ID: <28633@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 29 Oct 89 16:51:04 GMT === 37 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #37 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 29 Oct 89 16:51:04 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 37-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a cromorne? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O Foolish Mortal, delving into nooks and crannies where Mankind was not } meant to delve! Listen now and prepare for yor doom! } } Cromorne is the name of an ancient race that existed even before Pop } Tarts were invented. They are the Elder race from which the middle } class of our society has drawn values and taste. They are the } originators of all Ronco products, plastic dog doodle, whoopee cushions, } Commodore computers and disgusting kids' breakfast cereals. } } Cromornes live for all that is tacky. They idolize all styrofoam lawn } ornaments as religios icons and plastic Jesus ornaments and the little } Garfield suction cup things that are everywhere. } } Cromornes plot to overthrow our society by diverting technology to } useless items that will accumulate and eventually bring the high } standard of living down to that of living off of cheesy-weezies and lite } beer in styrofoam prefab shanties. } } Beware the cromornes!!! } } You owe the Oracle a pink flamingo. --- 37-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > At what age does "middle age" start? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Middle age is not a thing that starts or stops. Rather, it is a state } of mind, a gestalt. Its major symptom is a growing awareness of one's } own mortality. This awareness makes an individual ask questions such as } "Why was I put on this Earth?" and "At what age does `middle age' } start?" } } Take heart. You are right on track in life's collision course with } death. } } The Oracle is very depressed now. --- 37-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > where can i get a good lisp interpreter And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At any good speech rehabilitation center. --- 37-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is that guy who always writes Minasized Oracularities, and why > doesn't he ever use capital letters? oy, you are of the knowing what i > mean. oy, the sex question, always the being of the sex question. so > much the minasizing. always the minasizing. never the capitals being > at the beginning of the sentences wird haben gewesen worden ist. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } i am not with great pleasure of the minasized oracularities foolery! } the my english mockery is not the good thing! i am not very much like } it! the minasizing is the hard thing for to learn, very great the } effort, many of the years of the small child practice, very much of the } anguish, very few the grants of minasizing, so very few the grants of } government for the non-citizen. oy, the years with the working as the } waitress in dillie's 24-hour coffeeshop. not very much the fun thing! } the dislike of the parents of the new art! the foolery of the friends! } always the mockery! even the neh grant of the minasizing, very justly } funded last week, not the slowing of the foolery! } } you are for to owe the oracle the shift key keyboard. --- 37-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, oracle, tell me this fall: who is the fairest one of all? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The fairest one of all is a young woman by the name of Godzilla Mary } Smith, currently in the Harvard Law School. She usually doesn't use her } first name, but she understands that her parents were on LSD at her } christening, and she doesn't resent it either. She'll make a superb } judge and mediator in seven or eight years. --- 37-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do so many people at my college use this "oracle" thing- what is > so great about it anyway? And what is all this talk about someone named > Lisa? Is there a large group of people fantasizing about a girl, or are > they fantasizing about owning an Apple Lisa computer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle gives insight into the Cosmic All. It is thus very valuable } -- if used correctly. } } Lisa is the current net.sex.goddess. Many people think that she is } human (or at least humanoid), and fantasize about her. Several think } that she was recently involved with them, and are wondering why she } dumped them. Others, more mechanically inclined, think of her avatar as } an Apple Lisa computer, but this is perverse and it's a good thing the } network is open-minded about human-computer love or there'd be a massive } flamefight. --- 37-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sould I have avoided appending my .signiture to my last two questions ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nah. In fact, the Oracle PREFERS you to include your account with your } question } } It allows my associates your identity, who have therefore autorized me } to make you this exciting offer: } } Congrasdulations! You are the GARUNTEED winner of one of the } folowing prizes! } } 1. A Chevy S10 Blazer } 2. $1000 in CASH } 3. a genuine 14K gold electroplated diamelle ring! } } simply call our representative at 1-900-AN-IDIOT to set up an } appointment to claim your prize. } } -------------------- } } note: prize is awarded conditionally upon attendance at our 3 day } seminar, "The wonderful world of mail forwarding." You must make } reservations at the Oracle hotel at least 3 weeks in advance. All } travel expences and accomodations must be paid for by the recipient. } Void where prohibited. --- 37-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does my tape player sound bad? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There is actually nothing wrong with your tape player that some } head-cleaning won't fix. The major problem with it is that your } roommate (the one in the fraternity) tried to play a roll of masking } tape on it last week, and the heads are rather gumed up. } } You owe the oracle a "Elvis Sucks Dead Bats" tee-shirt. --- 37-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey! What's a pneumogloid?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You see, the gloids were a race of beings who used to inhabit sewers } throughout the Lost Continent of Atlantis (which really isn't _lost_ per } se, just misplaced. I wish they'd find it, the Atlantean Government } borrowed one of my favorite priestesses just before The Disappearance, } and I'd like her back (and her front, and her top, and her bottom)...er, } I digress) where they would live on the wastes of the Atlanteans. This } wasn't such a horrible existence as it sounds, as the Altlanteans only } used their sewers to dispose of their unused chocolate and occasionally } a nubile slave girl or boy or two. Of course, the gloids liked to "go } topside" every once in a while, and so they would get to the streets } through the manhole covers. Now, gloids had this problem of leaving } slimy trails of chocolate wherever they went, which did nothing to } improve the mood of the perpetually grumpy Atlantean Street Cleaners. } So, the City Planners started making the manhole covers much thicker and } heavier. The gloids soon found that they would need some new way of } moving those blasted covers, so they started enhancing their strength } with pneumatic exoskeltons (which they got from some Troll Mechanics who } were sidelighting for the Piss Off The Council Hepcats (P.I.T.C.H)). } Any gloid who was fortunate enough to posess one of these devices became } known as a pneumogloid. Eventually, jealousy between the pneumogloid } "haves" and the gloid "have-nots" resulted in a messy little sewer war } which wiped out the species. } } You owe the Oracle an oil-change. --- 37-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why zits? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zits, because the Creators were feeling merciful when they got around to } implementing adolescence. There are races afflicted with epilepsy, } arthritis, aneurisms, diabetes, heliocentrism, unbearable lightness of } being and/or engine knock during those years (and some races, it lasts } millennia). Really, wouldn't you rather have a few small pus-filled } sores on your face than a steel rod bashing on your temple every 15 } seconds? Or sudden, periodic flashes of X-ray vision (too bad it's } fashionable for female Oracles to wear clothes with lead in the } weave...) or even a craving for Spam. Anyway, there are simple, } effective ways to permanently remove zits [note lack of word `painless' } though]. Simply ask the Oracle. However, it will have to wait for } another question. } } You owe the oracle a case of Clearasol -- effective sunspot remover.