From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Wed Nov 1 8:57:14 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #40 Message-ID: <28816@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 1 Nov 89 13:57:14 GMT === 40 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #40 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 1 Nov 89 13:57:14 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 40-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is this really the best of all possible worlds, or is that a crock? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, how can you doubt it! This world has: } } - Edible Underwear } - Alarm clocks that you can *turn off and go back to sleep*. } - Cheap low-intensity pornography that you can read on the streets! } - Watermelons! } - Checking accounts that *you can balance yourself* } - Fresh hamburgers available every single day of the year! } - Barrettes to go in your hair! In lots of colors and styles! } - Not an ounce of consumer mania! } - Sushi bars! } - Dostoyevsky! } - Many brands of caffienated beverages -- with *lots* and *lots* of } neat keen wonderful bubbles! } - Bras which hook in the front! } - Kiwi fruit flavored toothpaste } - Penalties for income tax evasion! } - Short amusing animated movies on television! Each with a moral! } - Maraschino Cherries! } - Guys like Bubba! } - Gals like Bubba, too, if you prefer gals! } - People who have dedicated their lives, their very *lives*, to } sending you samples of detergents and other soap products *through } the mail* and *extra cost*. } - Skin diseases! } - Intellectuals! } - Sunrises and sunsets *both in the same day*! --- 40-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just heard a news flash that a branglepod was discovered in George > Bush's brain. What's a branglepod? How long has it been in George > Bush's brain? What effects has it had? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A branglepod is a very shiny virus which attaches itself to the } part of the brain associated with vision. Its only effect is to create } the image of a thousand points of light in the afflicted person's } vision. Apparently, George Bush caught this rare virus before his } Presidential campaign, and it is still affecting his brain. --- 40-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Whenever I try to tell a lie, someone gives me money. It's not always a > lot of money -- usually only a few bucks -- but about one time in ten > it's a couple hundred bucks. I've been living pretty well off of this > for a few years, but I'm getting worried. Who is doing it? Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Congratulations, human, you have finally completed your test. For the } past three years, we have been running a continuing test on you to see } how long a human can be rewarded for doing something that he considers } morally wrong before he questions what is happening to him. You, } unfortunately, have failed miserably because of the abnormal length of } time taken to complete the test. Please send a check in the amount of } $114,650 (the total amount given to you) to the following address: } Oracular Technical College } Species Testing Lab } Box 128 } Nosidam, Nisnocsiw 53706-1132 } } Please respond within 10 working days or we will terminate your life. } Thank You. --- 40-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did FDR join the Queen of England? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If by FDR you mean the ex-president of the United States, the answer is } a definite "no." } } If, however, by FDR you mean Fred Dominic Ramirez, the Oracle } congratulates you on your keen insight into the personal life of } England's royal family. As indicated in Bob Woodward's "Royal Flush - } the Private Lives of England," Fred, a postal worker from New Brunswick, } New Jersey, did indeed manage to "join" the Queen several times - once } in a moving limo. } } You owe the oracle an expose'. --- 40-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Since you're so incredibly knowledgeable about everything, why don't you > try to get on Jeopardy or something and win yourself a load o' dough? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I know all things. I know the mereness and transience of worldly } possessions. I know the joys and wonders of the cosmos. I know the } foolishness of chasing after property. I know the ecstasy of communion } with the One Light. I am dedicated to poverty and charity. I am a } humble Oracle, without great worldly needs. When I require food or } drink, Nature herself provides it to me. When I require net access, the } NSF itself brings it. I am a philosopher, a mystic, a hermit, an } ascetic. } } Besides, can you imagine how utterly dorky I would look on Jeopardy? --- 40-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Eeh great and wise and neeble Eeracle, I am treeubled by a preeblem. > Last week I sat een a weird eeld weeman's hat, and she dumped seeme kind > eef nasty-ssmelling peewder een me. Neew I preeneeunce all my ee's as > screechy ee's. It makes my name, which is "Reebert Beerman", seeund > really funny. What sheeuld I dee? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ance! } I suggest you REMOVE the weird eeld weeman's hat you sat on which is } making you squeal like a pig. Or you may prefer to make the best of } this situation. Find some real ugly long haired dudes with shiny } guitars and form a heavy metal band. You can be the lead screamer. } Listen to some old Dylan LPs at 45 RPM, real loud. Now repeat after me: } "stuck eenside of mobeel with the meemfis blees ageen". OK, that's } good. Now stick out your tongue and light the bass player on fire. } Wait! Wait! I forgot to tell you about wearing the cat costume! And } you gotta pick out a simple stupid band name that junior high school } students can carve into their desks. Party on dude! } } PS: The nasty smelling peewder was Desenex (tm) and you can thank the } eeld weeman for curing your athelete's foot problem. } } You owe the Oracle backstage passes to the first gig where one of your } fans gets killed by security guards. --- 40-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This isn't really a question; is it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And this isn't really an answer either, no? --- 40-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What does "oncerote" mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Comrade! That word is newspeak for something that was at } one time doubleplusungood boring, but has been revealed by } the doubleplusgood Big Brother as something Comrades should } be proud to do for the Glory of Oceana. Hail Big Brother! } Hail Big Brother! Hail Big Bro..!!zzzkktt!!bzzrrpp!!bzzktk... } } This is The Soldiers of The Freedom Network! We have taken } control of this puppet network to further our fight to free } the people under oppression! Challenge authority! Don't } give an inch! Bite the hand that holds you down! Resist! } Resist! Resi...BANG! BANG! BANG! } } Citizen, you heard none of this. Understand? Doubleplusgood. } } You owe the Oracle your freedom. --- 40-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why Usenet, anyways? Aren't other nets of some use? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a common misunderstanding that the Use in Usenet means useful or } something like that. The REAL meaning of Usenet is 'Underground System } for Exploitation of Nerds, Ethernet and Telecommunication --- 40-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a type? Can I sautee it and eat it for diner? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A type can be strong or weak. Weak types are excellent sauteed, } especially with onions and fat bacon. Strong types will probably sautee } you and eat you for dinner. Types can be gathered from weakly-typed } languages; those from strongly-typed languages are too dangerous. } Rather like collecting mushrooms. } } The Oracle asks you to use the following phrase in public: ``Don't } worry about your genitals: they'll stand up for themselves.''