From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Nov 6 11:13:24 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #47 Message-ID: <29138@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 6 Nov 89 16:13:24 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler === 47 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #47 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 6 Nov 89 16:13:24 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 47-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is Daniel Ortaga, dictator of Nicaragua, such a jerk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well now, Oraclite, put yourself in his position. Here you are, a third } rate dictator to a third rate country, of which its only claims to fame } are illegal drugs and a big ditch, which wasn't even built by your own } country. Add to that the fact that the weather is always hot and } sweaty, you know what humidity can do to one's temperment, not to } mention all of your generals and advisors always trying to get your job. } And on top of all that, CIA agents are chasing you around, the economy } sucks, AND you have the WORST case of acne you have EVER seen. With all } those problems, I believe even I, The Oracle, would have trouble being } cheerful and nice all the time. Gee, the gall of some people. } } You owe the Oracle one Central American country and a shipment of } drugs(the holiday assortment). --- 47-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is my living room suddenly full of these fucking murderous elves? I > do not like elves when they are trying to kill me. c And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You obviously have a leak in the back of your computer and have been } playing Adventure too much. The elves with the knives are escaping from } the back of your system. The solution to your problem is to take the } small pointy knife when it is thrown at you and throw it back at the } elves which will die and disappear in a cloud of black smoke. --- 47-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a lexical asfdojih, and why does the very thought of the word > make me jump so much? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The definition for Lexical is not so hard to find. Webster's Unabridged } Dictionary Oracular Ed. defined it as such: } } Lexical (lex-a-kel) adj. returns information about character strings } and attributes of the current process. see also IRS. } } To find the definition for "asfdojih", I had to delve deeply into the } *Official* Oracular Dictionary of Strange Made Up Words. It said this: } } Asfdojih (ass-fe-doe-jee) n. a condition under which a person's } buttocks clench spastically, causing the afflicted to "dojih", ancient } Sumerian for "jump slightly as if startled or prodded by the horns of a } ram". see also goose. } } Therefore, it is not surprising the very thought of Lexical Asfdojih } makes you feel like jumping...it is returning to you information on how } a person afflicted with asfdojih feels. } } } Or, if you don't like that, they are aborigine words of black magic, and } every time you repeat them to yourself, you become more like a kangaroo. } } You owe me a whoopee cushion and a kangaroo. --- 47-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What did Hansel and Gretel panic about? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hansel and Gretel were child prodigies, but came from broken homes. } They met in a shelter for runaways, and at age 16, decided to become } lovers. On their daily frolic to a deep, secluded part of the nearby } forest, they came upon a house made entirely of candy. Hansel, a } budding architect, panicked at the thought of using a sugar-based } building material in such a damp climate. Gretel was the sturdier of } the two, and did not even panic when greeted by a butt-ugly old woman } practicing the supernatural. Gretel did eventually panic, although it } is not known whether she panicked at the thought of rent control } making candy housing unaffordable for the poor, or at the consequences } of the big bad wolf invading from the forest of the fairy tale next } door. } } You owe the Oracle one Mars bar and one trowel. --- 47-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My SO just kicked me in the balls and hit me over the head with an > ironing board. Is this a bad sigh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle perceives that you meant to type "sign" rather than "sigh." } No, this is an excellent sign. Clearly she desires you to be entirely } hers; unless you want to sleep around a bit, or aren't certain that you } love her, you should be very happy. She is insanely in love with you, } and desires your head (seat of your intellect) and genitals (seat of } your sexual power) to be utterly devoted to her, and is punishing them } because she thinks that they are not. } } The Oracle suggests that you embrace her passionately and crush her body } against yours -- for starters. --- 47-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do rock stars enjoy such a reproductive advantage in our society? > What is it about their behavior that attracts the opposite sex? > Is it because the guitar looks like a big, appropriately positioned > phallic symbol? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's strictly due to apparent self-confidence, which is the _only_ thing } that a man needs to attract a woman, and almost as important as beauty } in a woman for attracting a man. Look, it requires a vast amount of } self- confidence to get up on a rock-concert stage and howl incoherent } rubbish to third-rate music -- one would expect that the normal reaction } to such a thing would be volleys of rotten vegetables and buckets of } slightly aged shit. Similarly it requires incredible _chutzpah_ to sell } honest, hard- working folk a lot of noise under the name of music. Any } day now the world in general might see through these frauds, and they } damned well know it, and nevertheless they go on, because they know that } they are effectively in power. Power is sexy, and rock stars reek of } power. } } The Oracle disagrees that these vermin have a _reproductive_ advantage. } A _sexual_ one, certainly, but they are often sterile or impotent or } both from abusing their bodies with drugs. The female ones get } abortions until their bodies automatically miscarry. One would hope } that the breed of rock star will die out, but the pool of rock-star } genes in the general population is large, and the rock stars that become } famous enough to be barren are relatively few in number, so that these } noisome, ugly creatures with howling voices and minimal talent will be } with us indefinitely } } The Oracle knows that you disagree with Its opinions on rock music, but } you must agree that Its basic idea is correct. Any kid who resembled } Michael Jackson or Prince and went to a normal high school in an } industrial town in the Midwest would be called a ``faggot'' by his peers } and beaten up several times a day, but there's something attractive to } women in a man who can get away with it in the Real World. --- 47-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Last night, I took off all my clothes, locked the door, and went to bed. > I woke up today with short black fur all over my body, a long hairless > tail, and wearing an electric orange blue blazer and maroon and violet > checked rubber gloves. What is happening to me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are undergoing a metamorphosis, obviously. However, the form you } are wearing is merely a protective shell over your true one. Press your } right thumb against the inside of the left corner of your jawbone (below } the ear) and your left thumb against the corresponding right corner. } Your skin will split in half from forehead to crotch, and you will be } able to peel it off readily, revealing...well, suffice to say that no } man will be able to resist the new you. } } You owe the Oracle a date with your new self. --- 47-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > does john holmes pass out every time he gets a little excited? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When I was still at God U., we talked about this person in class. Since } I had been in my female incarnation, I'd never heard of him, but all the } ones in their male incarnation had. I'll ask one of them your question. } } ... Ok, I'm back now. He said that you are being too specific, & that } you should look for the symbology in his body of work. } } You owe the oracle a real question. --- 47-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh might oracle, > > What is love? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I think the following quotes by various late 20th century philosophers } answer your question: } } "Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in } restraint." -- Dave Sim, author of Cerebrus. } } "Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom; Wisdom } is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not love; Love is not } music; Music is the best." -- Frank Zappa } } "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it } flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." } --Matt Groening } } You owe the oracle 2000 new fortunes. --- 47-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does one get their questions posted in the Usenet Oracularities > postings in rec.humor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One does not "get" their question in rec.humor. One is CHOSEN. } } The Oracle's answers, while always witty, are not often funny. Hence, } The Oracle has employed some graduate student sex-slaves to cull through } all the responses and chose (on the Oracle's permission) a sampling of } the more humorous queries and responses. } } Owing to the fact that one of these slaves was particularily frisky last } night, and the fact that the Oracle's coffee machine is broken, this } response is not too funny. Hence, don't look for this one in rec.humor. } In fact, I defy my slaves to post it there! } } The Oracle would also like to point out that good responses require GOOD } questions and yours is not of that genre. } } You owe the Oracle one Henny Youngman joke.