From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Fri Nov 10 19:36:57 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #50 Message-ID: <29466@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 11 Nov 89 00:36:57 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler === 50 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #50 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 11 Nov 89 00:36:57 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 50-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've just changed into Lisa! One of your incarnations, O Oracle, warned > me that this might happen if I didn't stop mentioning her in questions. > But I want Lisa, I don't want to _be_ her. How can I become the old me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, don't worry about it. I don't have any real power; I'm just } informational, that's all. Take a look at those things you mistook for } Lisa's bountiful breasts. They're just your shirt pockets, stuffed with } Kleenex, which you put there last night because you had a cold. Check } your groin, and you will find that you still have a penis. } } You owe the oracle ... } } No, no, you dodo! Check the *FRONT*! } } ... some more questions about Lisa, but some good ones this time. --- 50-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am addicted to being the Oracle. Every day I send up to 30 "ask me" > requests, and whenever any of the responses I give as the Oracle appears > in the Usenet Oracularities, the addiction grows even stronger. My work > is suffering. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Usenet Oracle is not a toy! } } How dare you, a small puny mortal, pretend to be the mighty Oracle. The } Oracle suggests that you take 10 asprin evry time you send an "ask me" } request; this should soon cure you of your affliction. This will also } cure you of any other worldly feelings that you may have. (Those under } the age of 18 can use 10 gravel chippings instead) --- 50-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Aren't you really a unwed Wendy-Dilemma'd lesbian humpback whale-nun who > got pregnant by sitting on a toilet seat in a public restroom in Grand > Central Station? > > If so, I'm the father of your child. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So there you are, you bastard! You never write, you never call, and } little Johnny has to tell the kids at school that he's an orphan!! I } have to work at being this stupid Oracle all day long, and all I get for } it is stupid questions and stuff I can't use, like 300 bottles of Dr. } Pepper, or 25 used condoms! } } You owe the Oracle $32,547,891.17 in back child support payments. --- 50-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where does the pollen go? (refer Grease II). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, some of it goes up, and some of it goes down, } and some of it goes all about and pollens up the town, } and some just goes up Bush's nose, and makes the poor geek sneeze, } and some of it drifts here and there, as happy as you please. } and some goes so far off to sea, and some hangs in the air, } and some of that which drifts and hangs gets in my lover's hair. --- 50-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there any point to Tarot? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To mere mortals, Tarot has basis only in superstition. However, to } powerful Oracle-type beings, Tarot is extremely powerful. Some weeks } ago, I had friends over, and we accidentally used the Tarot deck to play } poker. I drew a full house, and there was a powerful earthquake in } which several people died. } } You owe the Oracle one Woody Allen book. --- 50-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If I'm having sex with Immanuel Velikovsky, where should I put the glue? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Around your navels. Be certain to use lots of a good-quality } cyanoacrylate: it's a real turn-on for old Manny to be glued by the } navel to anybody, and with such a glue one has the illusion that the } bond is permanent. Acetone or nail-polish remover will unglue you two, } though only slowly. } } Have fun! Haff Goot Sex! } } Ach, schidt! the Oracgle hass schanged indto Doktor Ruth Vestheimer! --- 50-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did Fred Sabernick choose to place the following in his kill file > /: *Usenet Oracularities #*/:j > ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because: } } 1. In Unix, * matches an arbitrary string of characters. } } 2. The /string/:j command deletes all news messages which match string } (remembering that string is interpreted as a pattern; see 1.) } } 3. Fred Sabernick is a lout and an ignoramus, and therefore prefers not } to read wisdom communicated to him by netnews, with this particular } string of characters in the header (remembering that the *'s in the } string match any string of characters; see 1.) } } 4. Fred Sabernick had, at a young and tender age, had his fingers tied } together with strings, and is therefore psychologically unable to } deal with strings. (remembering that * may match a string; see 1.) } } You owe the Oracle a blue otter. --- 50-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I have wild sex with Helmut Kohl? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. First determine what sex Helmut Kohl actually is. } } 2. Learn to moan in German } } 3. Have liberal views on global conquest. } } 4. Most importantly, large quantities of mind-altering drugs. } } Not required, but helpful, would be: } } experience with german shepards. } b: a map of Europe tattoo. } c: experience with high-voltage equipment. } d: Extremely low self-esteem. --- 50-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why not? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why not? How can you ask such a silly question? There are so many } reasons why not that even an idiot could find them. } } 1. The latex would disintegrate -- you *have* to use water-based } lubricants. } } 2. The dog would be far too small. } } 3. You couldn't fit all that chocolate pudding in one car, not even a } stretch limo. } } 4. The wrestler wouldn't be strong enough to pick her up without } mechanical assistance. } } 5. Nobody can eat *that* many rutabegas. } } 6. You have not taken into account the possibility that someone will } call the police, simply because of the smell. } } 7. Even if the butler is able to get the drugged Chambourd poured over } the salmon mousse in time, he will not be able to make the bed with } the new silk sheets before the ocelot arrives. } } I could go on, but there's no point. } } You owe the oracle a new plot. --- 50-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I went to a party yesterday - or anyway I think so, I can't really > remember what I did last night. When I woke up this morning, however, > my body was aching in strange places and there was a strong scent of > perfume in the air. Also, there were some long, dark hairs on my > pillow. To add to the mystery, there's a dress and a bra lying on the > floor. And someone is taking a shower in my bathroom!!! > > Could you please explain to me hat has happened???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here's what happened. You went to the party, and there were some } oysters there. You had an oyster, with horseradish, and then another } one with lemon. Then you went a bit crazy, and had three more with } assorted condiments. You left the party as if possessed by furies, } stole a weight set from an innocent sports supply store, and ran home } and worked out with it. You have concealed it in a closet. You then } tore off your clothes, forgetting to put them in the laundry basket } (that's the dress and the bra), dyed your hair, and tore it out and } threw it on your bed. Then, you threw all the little jars of cosmetics } and such on your dresser at the opposite wall, just for the fun of } seeing them smash. That explains the perfume. However, you forgot to } lock your door last night, so Dan Quayle (who had forgotten where he } lives) came in and is taking a shower in your bathroom. } } You must stop eating those oysters. } } You owe the oracle a dozen quahogs.