From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sat Nov 11 17:18:13 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #53 Message-ID: <29491@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 11 Nov 89 22:18:13 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler === 53 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #53 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 11 Nov 89 22:18:13 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 53-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh great, wise master of all knowledge: > What happens to all the pens that disappear in my daily travels? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A few fall by the path -- the Oracle is forever picking them up along } sidewalks and in the gutters of streets and consequently has bought none } in years. Others are capable of locomotion, being in fact living } organisms that mimic everyday objects such as pens, pencils, rubber } bands, paper clips, and the like. The mimicry is so perfect that one } never suspects a thing (unless one is the Oracle) -- the creatures even } secrete ink or graphite when necessary to maintain the pretense. } } A researcher at a Major Midwestern University has captured some of these } mimic-creatures and, through breeding, diet, and training, is making } them impersonate attractive young secretaries. He expects to be able to } sell them as pets to lonely engineers, once he solves a few little } problems, such as how to force them to keep secretarial form for at } least a few days. In his test trials, graduate students each received a } mimic-creature, impersonating a pretty secretary in a revealing little } dress, and trained to snuggle against the student and make sweet } murmuring sounds. Within a day, every mock-secretary had changed form, } and the unfortunate students were left with false filing-cabinets, } deskside workstation boxes, trash cans, and the like, smeared with a bit } of makeup, wrapped in the remains of sexy dresses, and following them } around and snuggling up to them, making murmuring noises and smelling of } sweet perfume. Most disconcerting when one is trying to work. --- 53-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that some people in rec.humor are so hostle about your > postings? Are they afraid of the wisdom you possess, or are they just > jealous? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Neither, actually. They are very serious no-Fundamentalists, who } believe that Truth and Humor are total opposites. (They are wrong: } look at the world.) They fear me, because I am a symbol and an exponent } of the unity of Truth and Humor. } } You owe the Oracle an ocelot and a kitchen timer. --- 53-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who's this "Lisa" person who keeps following me around? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Lisa person who keeps following you around is named Lisa Lisa } Anna-lisa Di Lisa-lisa-lisa Opal-Lisa No More Da Fucking } Lisa-Lisa-Lisa-Lisa. She is a lawyer from Pteranodon, Xymodont, } Triceratops, and Weasel, specializing in suing the pants off of random } computer nerds. Her typical strategy is to be mistaken for Lisa the } net.sex.goddess (which is quite easy, because they are frequently the } same person), and get their pants off by obvious methods. However, if } you are chaste or gay or something like that, she has other methods. } Once she suspended one nerd over a pit of moths, and watched and } laughted fiendishly as they gnawed his pants off. Another time she } strapped a nerd to the table, and with a small, sharp scalpel she } slowly, slowly *dissected* his pants to shreds. } } You should immediately start to climb over buildings, hijack taxies, and } otherwise behave like a character in a chase scene of an adventure } movie, or else your pants are doomed. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of Levis, 34 x 32. --- 53-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A friend asks: why do we pay $20,000 to work our butts off? > (that's verbatim). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An enemy replies: "It's not nearly enough!" } } A surrealist replies: "The stir-fried threepenny nails! Can they help } me twice?" } } A politician replies: "It is very important that we maintain the } ultimate objectives clearly in mind, while at the same time } nonwithstanding continuing to remember the intended payoff at the end, } and the preservation for future generations of all the things we hold } dear, especially the flag which you can see that I am wearing as } underwear because I do not wish to ever be parted from its sacred } folds." } } You owe the oracle a large cheeseburger, with flags. --- 53-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why the heck did Dan Quayle just piddle all over my nice new couch?? > I'm not having him over to dinner again, that's for sure! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dan Quayle's medical reports show that he has a urinary bladder } dysfunction. It dysfunctions whenever he eats something that reminds } him of excreta, particularly of the human variety. The fact that he } urinated on your couch signifies that he had some traumatic experience } on a couch in his childhood, and his subconscious is trying to conquer } the fear he experiences whenever he perceives a couch. } IF YOU DON'T WANT HIM URINATING ALL OVER YOUR COUCH, SEAT HIM AT } YOUR DINING TABLE. IF YOU DON'T WANT HIM URINATING AT ALL, DON'T SERVE } HIM ANYTHING COOKED BY YOU. --- 53-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where can I meet the woman of my dreams? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look through all the articles in your news spool directory, & take out } all the names of females who have posted (you have to make a script to } do this yourself). Mail to all of them (not a mailing list - that's too } gauche) the following note: } } } hey-baby-hey-baby-hey-baby HEY! {put your name, address,tel. number, & } experience here} } } } Odds are that you will get a response from someone who is the woman of } your dreams [hopefully before you loose your USENET and email access]. } } In other words, you can meet the woman of your dreams in USENET, but } you'll have to tell me which newsgroup. } } You owe the Oracle the email address of a great blond, preferably from } North America. --- 53-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why aren't men and women created equal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To give them something to do in their spare time. } } I know what you're thinking, but don't be misled. Humans spend a small } amount of time engaged in sex, and an inordinate amount of time } wondering about it, worrying about it, reading about it, watching it on } television and in films, and participating in various activities to } sublimate the desire for it. Given that the average human male lasts } less than three minutes after penetration has taken place, the ratio of } time spent thinking about sex to the amount of time spent engaged in sex } is greater than 500 to 1. If sex did not occupy the human mind, then } hate, paranoia, and the solutions to most of the world's problems would } certainly settle in. } } You owe the Oracle one pornographic magazine and one condom. --- 53-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When is the end of the world, any signs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's hard to believe that no human has guessed the signs of the } apocalypse, considering the huge amount of time and energy spent } considering the prospect. The end of the world will occur when } literally hundreds of humans construct and detonate their own nuclear } warheads in a vain attempt to rid themselves of the tremendous, mind- } numbing boredom that has pervaded their lives. The signs that precede } this: } } -- Popular comedy television shows will cease to be funny and will } start moralizing about any random social problem. } } -- Tens of thousands of people will file into stadiums and arenas to } watch men over 50 years of age perform "rock and roll". } } -- Most governments of the world will outlaw recreational drugs and } start simplistic, dogmatic propaganda campaigns to support their } position. } } -- Most posts in rec.humor will not be humorous in nature, but will } instead contain flames and unreasonable complaints about the Oracle. } Similarly, most posts in alt.sex will not speak of sex, but in lieu } of complaints about the Oracle, there will be posts of awe-filled } wonder concerning the big O's powers and abilities. --- 53-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have stumbled, or was it pushed?, upon the great Oracle of the > Midwest. Being from New York City, I have great doubt that Oracles > could actually live in the Midwest, especially when they are called > Hoosiers! So, tell me, oh Great and Wise One, those to whom no others > can compare, what might be the source of your great and mighty powers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Power of the Oracular variety is actually _dimmed_ by proximity to big } centers of population -- all those Little Minds causing interference. } Indiana and Illinois are actually not deserted enough for the } incarnations of the Oracle to be at their peak of performance, but you } can hardly expect them to give up _all_ the delights of civilization and } more to (say) Montana or North Dakota. (Note that the Keeper of the } Oracle is in fact from North Dakota -- need the Oracle explain } further?). --- 53-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mystic Oracle, I ask thee a humble question: > 1: Why didn't anyone think to shoot Wonder Woman in some part of her > body where she couldn't block them with her bracelets (like her > back)? > 2: Why didn't anyone think to shoot Robocop in the face? > 3: Why doesn't anyone think to shoot the people who are in charge of > all the Nintendo hype and promotion? > 4: Why am I so obsessed with shooting? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, you ask me four arrogant questions, but no matter. } } > 1: Why didn't anyone think to shoot Wonder Woman in some part of } > her body where she couldn't block them with her bracelets (like } > her back)? } } You have not grasped the true essence of Wonder Woman's strategy. She } pays villains a good deal to only shoot at her wrists. DC superheroes } do this a lot, I might add. Superman pays people incredible amounts to } only use ping-pong ball pistols when he's around. The only honest one } of the lot is (you guessed it) Blue Beetle, who doesn't have enough } money for that kind of crap. If this sort of thing bothers you, I } recommend that you stick to Marvel superheroes, who are generally quite } honest. } } > 2: Why didn't anyone think to shoot Robocop in the face? } } They did. He just laughed. He's got this huge retractible mask of } high-impact clear plastic over his head. } } > 3: Why doesn't anyone think to shoot the people who are in charge } > of all the Nintendo hype and promotion? } } You are confusing fiction and reality. The people in charge of Nintendo } advertising are *not real people*. Nobody has thought of shooting them } because it was not convenient for the script-writers to have them shot. } That's all. } } > 4: Why am I so obsessed with shooting? } } You were George Washington in a previous life. All your life, you } yearned dreadfully to study Cello at McDonald's Institute of Burgers, } but an almost infinite sea of forces prevented you. First, your father } refused to pay for it. Then you got tangled in politics, and were sent } into the army for most of a decade. When you got out of the army, they } caught you in politics again, and no matter how many clandestine affairs } you had they just *would not* let you go. Finally, after eight years, } you caused such disruption in the country that they let you resign, with } an immense pension. Finally, finally, the cello lessons! } } But then you learned that McDonald's Institute of Burgers wouldn't open } for a century and a half, and even when it did you couldn't study cello } there, so you decided that your whole life had been wasted, and you shot } yourself. You have been obsessed with guns in every subsequent } incarnation. } } You owe the Oracle carp. Huge heap carp. ugh.