From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Nov 20 22:51:34 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #63 Message-ID: <30091@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 21 Nov 89 03:51:34 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 63 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #63 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 21 Nov 89 03:51:34 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 63-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle, Why does Capt. Kirk get so many women, and why is > Bones such a jerk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 'twas Capt Kirk } Who was a jerk } 'cos no woman did } ever he ferk } } unlike the ever so coy } good doctor McCoy. } u owe the Oracle a squid } (To rhyme,a silly ploy) --- 63-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have just arrived on the Earth from a far distant planet that you have > never heard of. The first thing I have done is to make contant with > you, O Grape One. The return half of my ticket expires next Thursday. > What should I do while I am here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You should grep. Then you should find a fine porteroo, and recline upon } its balcony. If you are in a hurry, you should rent a car and drive it } northward at an agonizing pace for several minutes. Otherwise, you } should be sure to klodn with the Organizer of Organizement. If these } measures are firmly taken, you should have no trouble surviving your } visit. } } The main tourist attractions of Earth are these: } - The Grand Esplanade in Watertown, Conn. } - The Great Barrier Reef } - The grave of the great and noble John Cabot. } - Chateau Hydrophobia, a superb restaurant in Indianapolis. } - Mark Twain's birthplace in Hannibal, Mo. } - The quaint peasant dances in Maygargrad, Yugoslavia. } - The inexpressible grandeur of Merremac Caverns, not too far from St. } Louis. } } As you can see, we are a very splendid planet. --- 63-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the meaning of life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } the manig of lif is typig skill. witthouf typing sills live itself has } no pt. --- 63-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does a donut have the Bagel-nature? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Boo! --- 63-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I sexually attracted to garden implements? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Imprinting. } As an infant. } By a deviant hoe. } In cahoots with a perverted weed-whacker. } Po' chil' } } You owe the Oracle all those issues of "Gardening Today" beneath your } mattress. --- 63-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Last night I had this dream. I was in a bedroom in my grandma's house > (my grandma was not around) with one of the TAs from my ECE 105A class > (a female one, of course.) I carried her into the room, onto the bed, > removed her clothes, and was about to do The Nasty when I got up and > left. (The dream was color, I could see her nakedness, I could make out > all the pertinent details, and I remember feeling how soft and supple > her skin was.) I don't remember why I left. Once outside, I was in the > middle of an unrecognisable complex of buildings, where I was promptly > arrested for blowing up a mailbox. I said I hadn't done that in years, > but they dragged me in anyways. Inside the police station, they tried > to force me to sign an affidavit declaring that marijuana was much more > dangerous than alcohol or tobacco. I wholeheartedly refused to sign it; > they got very mad and frustrated at me, and threw me out. I went back > into the bedroom and started up with the girl again, but I woke up > shortly thereafter. > > Does this dream mean anything? Do you need more background info? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a very common dream. At least among potheads. A manifestation } of frustration because their sexual ability is shot all to hell by the } weed. They want to blame authority, thus the imagined police } persecution. Next time, sign the affidavit. You'll be well on your way } to Goot Zex! --- 63-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the proper way to mail oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu? > a) alone in the dark late at night bathed in the eerie glow of a CRT > b) only in groups with an prime number of members with males never > exceeding females and cannibals never exceeding missionaries > c) drunk and nekked > d) barefoot and pregnant > e) in polite society, one should never mail oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My favorite way is standing in a pentacle (a pentagram inscribed in a } circle), with the syllables TET RA GRAM MA TON on the sides of the } pentacle, with four hexagrams in the cardinal directions, ... --- 63-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are women so confusing ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Usenet Oracle is pretty dern tired of this question, which, after } all, has been asked since time immemorial. In fact, this question } predates the Oracle Itself, which has been around for thousands and } thousands of, uh, hours. } } Another facet of this question which has never unduly charmed the Oracle } is its subtext, which is "I happen to be a man, and, although I may be } intellectually aware that the problem I face isn't really due to the } fact that all women are space aliens from the Planet Z, I'm bloody well } going to behave as if it were! And why? 'Cause it feels good! So buzz } off!" If the Gentle Questioner really does believe that women are space } aliens from the Planet Z, he just hasn't been around much, and should } probably celebrate his eighteenth birthday at his earliest convenience. } } Nevertheless, the Usenet Oracle is going to deign to answer this } question, because just this weekend the Oracle had a fairly substantive } conversation with an ex-girlfriend of Its, and the topic is fresh on Its } mind. } } The mistake which the questioner is making is one which zillions of } people (of all varieties of plumbing arrangements) make every second: } it is to assume that all one has to do in order to keep a lover happy, } or to win one in the first place, is to be polite, to clean up one's } messes, and to pick up the check at least 50% of the time. It is to } believe that a love affair is a continuous time of wine and roses, and } that if dischord intrudes, dischord did so because THINGS ARE SUDDENLY } MAJOR BADSVILLE, AND ONE OF US DID SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG, AND THE } UNIVERSE IS GOING TO COME CRASHING TO A LOATHSOME, HIDEOUS DEMISE UNLESS } THE GUILTY PARTY FESSES UP POST HASTE!!! It is to believe that if } someone refuses to be perfectly unamiguous about whether he or she would } like to be wined, dined, and hopped into the sack with, that refusal is } due to A FUNDAMENTAL, YEA, EVEN PRIMORDIAL DESIRE TO MAKE YOUR LIFE A } LIVING HELL!!! } } These beliefs are (may I be so blunt) false. } } Look, pal, the English language is a limited tool, and the scope of } human emotions makes even, say, Mandarin Chinese look like the crudest } excuse for a communication system imaginable. Having a love affair with } another human being is like trying to cut a diamond with a two-by-four. } Unfortunately, the two-by-four is all you got. } } The Number One Rule is: "Be honest: learn to stop trying to edit what } you say." Women aren't any more confusing than you are; if you had been } paying more attention, the fact that women have been heard to ask "Why } are men so confusing?" might have clued you in to something. } } The Other Number One Rule is: "Be patient: you're going to mis- } understand one another regardless." Ever notice that things feel better } after a confrontation? Maybe you should stop dreading them so much. } } You owe the Oracle a promise that you will tack the following word up } next to your desk: "NELTHILTA." --- 63-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My 8-year-old daughter decapitates her dolls and Scotch-tapes their > heads onto the wrong bodies. Is this a sign of mental illness? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, not in the slightest. It is a sign of great mental stability, to } see and tolerate and even encourage the great transience of the } universe. She has grasped the principles of reincarnation better than } most other humans, even at this young age. She will become one of the } greatest gurus in the New Age movement, telling multitudes of the } glorious lives they lived before, and of the wonders they will } experience in later lives. They will gather around her, and beg the } sanctity of her touch. She will heal the sick, raise the dead, stop the } sun and the moon in heaven, turn water into wine, turn wine into vodka, } and turn vodka into Amaretto. She will introduce the New Age, the time } of heaven on earth, which will last forever. } } Then she'll get sick of it and become a fundamentalist Christian, and } repudiate everything she's ever done. Fortunately for the rest of the } world, it won't matter. --- 63-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Am I full of shit? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. Take a generous dose of a really good laxative and send me } another message in the morning.