From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Wed Nov 22 14:53:49 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #64 Message-ID: <30228@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 22 Nov 89 19:53:49 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 64 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #64 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 22 Nov 89 19:53:49 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 64-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ho, where de plank road? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ho, where the fucking plank road is, } Yo, ho, blow the squid down } There my fucking escape from the muck is, } Yo, ho, the squid's gone to town. } There will go tramp I all shoeless and bootless } Yo, ho, blow the squid down } And so ye shall find me all stark and computeless, } Yo, ho, the squid's made me drown. } And there will you catch me five crayons and bad tidings, } Yo, ho, blow the squid down, } And we will all eat them with blackings and whitings, } Yo, sir, keep your squid off my gown! --- 64-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why don't Touch-Tone phones play proper musical notes? Is it to keep > people from playing tunes on them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fal-la-la-la-la (533312) } Fal-la-la-la-la (531212) } The phone makes such sweet noise (723512) } The phone makes sweet sweet sound (723521) } Fal-La-La-La-La (533312) } Oh listen to its sweet ring-a-ding (63984323) } Its ring-a-ding-a-day (533312) } Oh hear its sweet sharp bleeping (9237855) } Each ring-y-ding-y-day (533312) --- 64-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What famous person is quoted as saying, "I'll clean the lint out of your > navel anytime!" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This was Madonna's response to Clint Eastwood's famous quote, } "Go ahead, make my day." } } This was also Madonna's response when President Regan repeated } this same quote. --- 64-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can I have a net.goddess for Christmas? Huh? Can I? Huh? Just one? > OpleaseOpleaseOpleaseOplease? I been good all year! pleasepleaseplease? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My! Aren't we an eager one! } } Well I must say that you were very good this year. } } However, the records dept. has brought something to my } attantion. The following is an excerpt from the } official Records Of Human Existance. } } May 21, 1989 } 3:34 pm } } Subject #RNH1245EX4711Z (That is you.) was driving } an auto, and blew the auto's horn to acknowledge } a friend passing in the other direction. This noise } disturbed the white poodle Bitzy, belonging to } Subject #FHR2365RT3873H (Mrs. Elenore Jenkins), } when the dog was in the act of excretion. Let the } record show that the Bitzy was never again able } to go out side, let alone take a crap. The dog } died nine days later. } } As you can see, there may be some difficuly in sending you } a net.goddess for Christmas. But I'll try to pull some strings } for you since you said please, and I despise poodles. --- 64-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O knowledgeable one, which is better, length or width? And I am not > referring to the size of a baseball bat either. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are so grossly mistaken, my imagination fails to find words for my } contempt. The better one is of course depth. } } You owe the oracle 'The TeX book'. --- 64-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are people constantly putting up messages saying:'Kill the Oracle!' > Did you rape someone?Pillage a village?Rob a bank?Why do these angry > mobs want you dead?Why?WHY?!?!?!Tell me!!You're hiding something from > us,aren't you!?!?!?!? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh questor of periphery knowledge: } } Ever read Greek plays? Remember Cassandra? She could tell the future, } but no one would listen to her and eventually killed her. } I would like to say that this is why I am hated, but, alas, such is not } the case. } The truth is this... } Deep in the unprobed subconscious of every child is the knowledge that } I, The Oracle, am responsible for ever one of those Malted Milk Balls } (Whoppers too) that have nothing in the middle but air. } It is this secret knowledge that all children have that surfaces at the } name of the oracle, and while they don't know why, they find hatred } within themselves. } Why do I sabotage innocent Malt Balls? } Well, now that's another story... } } In confession, } The Oracle. --- 64-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why O Oracle, is "Password:" capitalized, but "login:" not? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A fascinating question. I asked Ken Thompson, who is Lisa's current } love slave, and he related the following story: } } He and Dennis were hacking away at the password code one night when a } drunken, misguided college student staggered into the terminal room and } said, "Dudes! Where's the party?" Ken, who thought he'd heard "Where's } the parity", handed over his last parity bit, which happened to be the } one for the "p" in "password". (It was naturally in lower case.) This } changed it to a "P", and the rest is history. } } You owe the oracle a more interesting question. Oh, and a beer. I just } had four boxes of chips (80386's), and they were SALTY. --- 64-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that sometimes, late a night, Brian Kernighan, Dennis Ritche, > Ken Thompson, and all those other guys, get together over a few beers > and make sarcastic comments like "Unix? Yeah, I guessss it's a good > idea Dennis!" and generally sit around being incredibly smug about this > whole Unix/C thing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, but the smug remarks are just a cover. When they get home, they } work on the language D and the operating system Binix, which will make } them millionaires by the end of 1992. They're also hacking away at } Y-windows (1995) and Fmacs (1997). --- 64-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do I so often forget on which side of the building I've parked my > bike? In about 75 % of the cases, I go out through the wrong exit, and > have either to go back in and take the other exit (which feels > ridiculous) or to go around the entire physics department (which *is* > ridiculous). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fear not, and take comfort: it is because you are destined to be a } Great Scientist. Only the truly great ones are this forgetful. Bohr } frequently forgot who his wife was. Fermi used to fill his cup with hot } coffee in the morning and wonder how it had gotten so cold so quickly } when he remembered to take a sip in the afternoon. Gauss kept } forgetting how to have sex, and his wife had to show him again about one } time in three. Newton couldn't remember if he was heterosexual or } homosexual, and kept buggering Colin Maclaurin, finding each time that } he didn't really enjoy it very much and therefore must be straight. } } Forgetting about your bicycle indicates a talent high in the second rank } of scientists -- Nobel Prize caliber, if you're lucky. But actually you } will be one of the greats, because of that little problem you haven't } admitted -- you keep forgetting how to put on a condom. --- 64-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, last night I had to replace the cranks on my bicycle. > As you know, the left hand crank is held in place by a left-handed > screw. I couldn't find a matching left-hand screw so I used a > right-handed one instead. As I ride the bicycle now, will my left leg > fall off? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, but be careful about all that left-handed screwing. There's } something sinister about it unless you are ambisexterous.