From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sat Nov 25 21:26:06 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #66 Message-ID: <30280@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 26 Nov 89 02:26:06 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 66 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #66 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 26 Nov 89 02:26:06 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 66-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle! On this Thanksgiving holiday, what are you thankful for? > > Happy Thanksgiving! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am thankful for: front-opening bras; happy children; axolotls; } Meccano; Cadbury's milk chocolate; caffeine-free, sugar-free Coke, life } on Earth; meatless sausages; mashed potato; the European Standard } Garment Care Labelling Regulations; pin-up pictures of nude women; The } Times; Arran sweaters, and above all, YOU, my dear reader. Thanks to } God for you. --- 66-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There are always a lot of arguments between computer users on the topic > of which microcomputer is the "best", or which architecture is the > "best". Which is actually the best? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The 2V125 microchip and the Turbana disk drive. } } Actually there is a story behind this. On my desk I had, for several } years, a computer which had been built for me with special hardware, and } which could not be bought in the shops. It was in a plain black metal } box, slightly smaller than that of an IBM PC, with noisy ventilation } fans. One day I peeled the label off a Spanish banana and stuck it on } the front of the disk drive: it was a bright red label that said } `TURBANA' in big letters. } } Thereafter, whenever I had visits from educational inspectors and senior } teachers they would look at the unfamiliar machine and say `Oh -- a } Turbana disk drive', and some remark indicating that they knew about it } already, such as `I've heard of them, they're good'. And I would reply } that it had the new board fitted with the 2V125 microchip; and they } would nod in agreement and admiration. } } 2V125 was actually my daughter's mathematics and language class group at } school. } } Therefore, in my capacity as Oracle of the Day, I commend the 2V125 } microchip and the Turbana disk drive unto you: Widely acknowledged to } be The Best In The World. --- 66-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are there any good jobs available in Bournemouth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Indeed there are, my child! The position of Town Rat-Kisser has just } been vacated, since the former holder of that job has left in search of } greener pastures. In addition, there are numerous openings on the Board } of Tree Measurement, and I hear that they're looking for a part-time } whistle filler. } } You owe the Oracle a blank 90-minute cassette tape. --- 66-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O huge and hairy one, why have you refused to answer my inquiries or > responded to my requests? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pah. Bloody humans. Always so impatient. YOU try being an all-seeing, } all-knowing Oracle for a few days. It'd be enough to make your brain } explode. } } That's why all us Oracles are fitted with a spare brain, mounted in a } quick- -release bracket. Many's the time I've been engaged in a } particularly tricksy bit of philosophical cogitation only to feel my } cerebellum suddenly detonate and see bits of cortex and motor neurons } spray all over the screen. It's a bugger to clean up, I can tell you. } Ask David Cronenberg. } } If you want to imagine how it feels, try thinking about any of the } following concepts: } (1) Being in the front row of a ZZ Van Bon Dead Def Leppard Von } Whitesnake Halen Osbourne concert, just in front of the speakers. } (2) Supergluing your nose shut and your lips around a high-pressure } air hose. } (3) Trying to commit suicide by overdosing on MSG. } (4) President Dan Quayle. } } Don't worry - YOUR brain won't explode. That's why humans such as } yourself don't need an extra brain. In fact, if you had an extra brain } it would be lonely. } } You owe the Oracle a paracetamol and a quiet lie down. --- 66-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the funny black thing on the 20p stamp? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That is a representation of the carbon-black-enriched india-rubber } condom first unveiled at the Great Exposition and used by the Royal } Consort during sex with Her Majesty. It prevented a whole slew of } useless princes and princesses. In these days of AIDS and free love, } the Government have decided to call attention to this early Royal Use of } rubbers. The particular specimen depicted on the stamp was actually } worn by the Royal Consort and is now in the British Museum (_not_ the } Victoria and Albert). --- 66-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do dog owners let their dogs run in front of my bicycle and then > when I swerve to avoid the damned animal, say `Good dog!' to it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They think that it is the dog's mental powers and extreme discretion } that caused you to swerve away from it, not your own common sense. Dog } owners attribute incredible virtues to their animals, including } mind-control on humans. --- 66-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Would it be a good idea if the letters of the alphabet weren't kept in > alphabetical order, but were re-arranged from time to time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This would be amusing (and incidentally cause no problems for the } all-knowing Oracle), but for most people it would be quite a nuisance. } In ancient time, when alphabetisation hadn't been invented (and it's } less than 500 years old, believe it or not), it wouldn't have mattered. } But if you were magiccally endowed with the power to change about the } letters of the alphabet, and did it, you would probably be hunted down } and killed by a host of angry teachers, typesetters, Irish setters, } librarians, contrarians, castrati, nostril-hook manufacturers, Lisa } impersonators, drag racers, drag queens, and Archimedean polyhedra, just } for starters. --- 66-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please help. I am hungry and the only things I have in the cupboard are > 17 lentils, a brazil nut, a tin of dog food, a chocolate biscuit and a > piece of string. What can I cook with these ingredients? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You can cook the lentils in a little water, meanwhile heating the dog } food slowly in a pan. When the lentils are done, add them to the dog } food and make a sort of hash out of the result. Garnish with chopped } Brazil nut. Have the biscuit for afters. The string is indigestible } and should not be eaten. } } Another thing to do is use these ingredients and a few common household } items to perform a black-magic ritual. Reserve two lentils and arrange } the other 15 into a pentagram 1 metre across. Mash the nut and add to } it some fat from the dog food (often found sticking to the lid and sides } of the tin); put this in a little dish and put into it a wick fashioned } out of a bit of string. Now put the biscuit at the centre of the } pentagram, put the makeshift lamp (nut and fat and wick in dish) atop } it, and strip yourself naked. Smear dog food over your genitals and } chest and face. Put the two remaining lentils into your mouth. Light } the little lamp, chew and swallow the lentils, and then repeat the magic } phrase, "Knickers, knackers, knockers" 666 times. If you've done } everything properly, an invisible Hell Hound should then lick the dog } food from your body, and you will undergo a rapid metamorphosis that } will leave you permanently as a buxom, fair-haired young woman, not at } all hungry. If in your beautiful new body you can't find a man to take } you to dinner, or at least a job with a newspaper that value your } physique, you deserve to be hungry. --- 66-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What does my boyfriend want for Christmas? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To make love to you while possessed by Lisa, the net.sex.goddess and } embodiment of essential female sexuality as perceived by all computer } geeks and with the gymnastic suppleness of Gumby. } } Or a new Infocom game. Either will do. } } You owe the Oracle a red-nosed reindeer. --- 66-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, why have I chosen the rigors of engineering as my major > and why do I continue with it though I know it is so painful and > unattractive to women? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My child, the answer to your question lies in your belief systems, or } b.s. for short. Most engineering majors have many beliefs in common; } many are kept personal, and many are shared with friends, but these } beliefs engineers have maintained throughout the ages: } } 1. I don't look nearly as geeky as all the other guys in my } thermodynamics class. } 2. I'm not getting laid, but I'm building the future. } 3. All the Asian students get A's } 4. The lab T.A. hates me. I can tell. } 5. I know it's painful now, but it will be worth it someday. } 6. The recruiters for all the major companies were impressed with me } during our E-week display day. } 7. Once I get out of here, I'll be makin' $35K a year for a 40-hour } work week, I'll be buyin' that Porsche I've been keeping my eye } on, and since I'm so much more suave than the geeks in my thermo } class, I'll be havin' more women than I know what to do with. } } #7, my child, is why you continue to pursue engineering. #'s 1,2,5 } and 6 are how you justify staying there. #'s 3 and 4 are the excuses } you give when you get a C in a class. Your b.s. is B.S. The cold } hard reality of your situation is, respectively: } } 1. You look like as much of a geek as the guys in your thermo class. } 2. You're not getting laid. Period. } 3. All the Asians get A's, unless you're Asian; then you get C's. } 4. The lab T.A. forgot your name, and frankly, he doesn't really care. } 5. You know it's painful now. Philosophy sounds like a good major. } 6. The recruiters forgot your name, and frankly, they don't really care. } 7. Once you're out of here, you'll be makin' $35K a year for a 50-hour } work week, you'll be makin' payments on that Porsche, not to } mention insurance, and since you're no less suave than the geeks in } your thermo class, you'll settle for marrying the first woman who } lets you fuck her. Chances are, it'll be that floozie secretary } golddigger five cubicles away from you, and chances are, she'll be } pregnant with someone else's kid. } } Kind of makes me wonder why anyone stays in engineering. } } You owe the Oracle a change of major. And if you can't do that, at } least get an 'A' in your stupid thermo class. If you're gonna be a } celibate geek, you might as well get a good grade in the process.