From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Wed Dec 6 17:03:54 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #74 Message-ID: <30977@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 6 Dec 89 22:03:54 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 74 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #74 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 6 Dec 89 22:03:54 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. --- 74-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My friend says he writes shit for the newspaper. > Is shit hard to write? > I know it's hard to eat... > Shit on a shingle is always good though. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually it's rather easy to write shit, be it for a newspaper or a } class or a love letter. The hard part is making the shit sound good } when read. } } In spite of this however. . . Shit is becoming more and more } attractive as a way of communicating the news. It first began with } newspapers and magazines but has now invaded the airwaves and is the } preferred style of journalists. Evidence of this was CBS' recent news } story 'God and Gorbachev'. This was the 'shit of shits,' a perky } Entertainment Tonight correspondent recently quipped. } } President Bush has embrassed shit with the White House News staff. } Introduced by Reagan in the early 80's shit has been 'raised to a new } level, consistant with the expectations of a nation in love with itself' } staff member Lee Atwater said. } } In America shit has gained exceptance and is now brought into the } livingroom every evening at 6:30pm and smeared across the great papers } of this great nation. At a recent press conference Gary Hart summed it } up, giving credit where credit is due by saying 'If it weren't for the } shit in the papers these days, I wouldn't be where I am today!' --- 74-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have a tune going round and round in my head. It goes > > Dum dum dum dum diddle-iddle-um > Diddle um-dum-dum dum dum, > Dum-dum-dum-dum diddle-iddle-um > Diddle-um-dm (rest) dum dum. > > Diddle-um-dum diddle-diddle-iddle-iddle-um > Diddle-um-dum (rest) dum DUUUUM > (rallentando) Dum dum diddle-diddle um dum dum > (pause then a tempo) Diddle-um-dum (rest) dum dum. > > What is it? Who wrote it, and what are the words to it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, actually, I did. I wrote it, yeah that's it. It came to me one } summer evening in a dream, yeah. I wrote the words, the music, AND } recorded it, that's the ticket! It is actually a waltz and is best } played on the ukulele Following are the words: } } Until we meat again } } My love is like lunchmeat } He's got Oscar Meyer beaten. } When he makes me a sandwich, } It's for sure it will be eaten. } } Although he is no longer mine } I still think of him first } Especially at lunch time } When I'm eating liverwurst. } } Thank you, thank you. --- 74-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > rattle! > > <****==============================(:-) ---< > > hisss!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We are infinitly sorry, but the Oh Most Wise Oracle can not answer } your question. This is not the DRUG HELP-LINE! Please try to have your } questions in the FORM OF A QUESTION(!), as this makes things move along } a lot swifter. Thankyou, and I hope you find help....Really.... } } As Payment the Oh Most Wise Oracle demands whatever you've been } taking(!). --- 74-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why can't we seem to elect a vertebrate to the White House? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THE ORACLES TOP TEN REASONS WHY WE DON'T ELECT VERTABRATES TO THE } WHITE HOUSE: } } 1. Presidential candidates rarely make their opponents phyllum an } issue. } 2. American voters prefer breasts and thighs. } 3. All those vertabrate perverts should be shot! } 4. Vertabrates actually do get elected to the White House--the Chief } of Staff's first official duty is a spinalectomy. } 5. Only lower life-forms qualify. } 6. What's the White House? } 7. The tri-lateralist commission actually appoints the president, } disregarding the informed, carefully considered opinions of the } American public. } 8. The constitution prohibits it. } 9. Because. } 10. No self-respecting vertabrate would consider the job. } } You owe the Oracle a marine invertabrate cooked in a lactic solution. } (no tomatoes, please. They give Us hives) --- 74-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the BFD? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1) Brown Fecal Deposits } 2) Bavarian Forest Demons } 3) BVD spelled wrong } 4) Bowling For Dollars } 5) Bullwinkle For Dinner } 6) Bologna (made) From Dachsunds (didn't you always suspect?) } 7) Boise Fire Department } 8) Barney, Fred, Dino (the implications are staggering!) } 9) There is no meaning -- it's just there to make you mad } 10) Big Fucking Deal --- 74-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What thoughts run through a woman's mind when a man has sexual > intercourse with her? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Women are reported to ponder polydimensional integral calculus while } having intercourse. It is believed that elegant solutions may be the } source of multiple orgasm. } } You owe the Oracle two quarts of soy sauce. --- 74-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty oracle this is an urgent question. I need, soon, a rhyme > having to do with mistletoe and handcuffs. (Note- both are Secret Santa > gifts from a girl to a girl. Thus, no comments about using the stuff on > Santa will apply. Also the lucky recipient will probably be offended if > the poem is too crude.)Thank you, Oracle! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mistletoe and handcuffs } } Oh mistletoe, oh mistletoe, how do you } make;asdkjflkasdjfiekldjcmbngvdjfeji } } } sorry about that, let me begin again } } Oh mistletoe, how do you do? } we like to handcuff you with glue. } we hope you don't sue, } because if you do, } we will handcuff you too } } } You owe the oracle a rhyme having to do with lawyers. --- 74-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the words to the national anthem of Libya? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The theme (oddly enough) is sung to a tune similar to that of } The Gary Shandling Show. } } This is the national anthem of Libya } The Libyan national anthem! } } This is the national anthem of Libya } The Libyan national anthem! } } Momar called me up and ask me to write it } how do you like it so far? } It's almost halfway over } } Here's the part where I start to whistle: } too too too tee tooo } to tee too too tooo } too too too tee tooo } to tee too too tooo } } This was the national anthem of Libya } The Libyan national anthem! } } This was the national anthem of Libya } The Libyan national anthem! --- 74-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If money is the root of all evil, what is the square root of all evil? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } yes, the root of all evil is money } } the square root of all evil is money } o e } n n } e o } yenom } } and the cube root of all evil is yenom } e oo } n n n } o e e } money y } o e e } n n n } e oo } yenom } } any other questions? --- 74-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I write all my papers in English. However, when I go to print the final > copy to turn them in, they invariable come out of the printer written in > Italian. I look at the input file -- it's English. I have had to hire > translators and typists to turn them in. Why is this happening, and > what can I do about it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Benito Mussolini has been reincarnated as a computer virus (they ARE } alive, by the way) and a copy of him is infecting your printer. Call an } exorcist, or ask O.S. Lane to contact Superuser so he can start his own } series of movies. } } You owe the Oracle a canonical list of Italian swear words with } translations.